Charlie Sheen Is A Maverick And Nicolas Cage Is The Shittiest Actor Ever

Every once in a while someone comes along that redefines life as we know it. A maverick, a maven. Somebody you would consider calling Primetime. I had the privilege of appointing all of these nicknames to myself over the course of my life. But another man deserves some credit too. If you don't know who I'm talking about then just read the title dummy. Charlie Sheen has crossed boundaries that put him in the legendary record books. No one will do the things Charlie Sheen does and be considered cool for the next 20 years. Let us embrace him.

After doing a shit-ton of movies that nobody saw because they were pretty fucking awful, Charlie disappeared into the abyss for a couple of years. He returned in 2002 or so with the not-so-funny sitcom "Two and a Half Men." Every episode of that show has been the same since it premiered all those years ago. But this here is a celebration of a class act and genuinely nice guy.

Last year he entered rehab for a sex addiction and probably a drug addiction too. Then a couple of months ago he threatened a porn star while high on coke and locked her in the bathroom. And just this past weekend he had an orgy with 3 more pornstars. If this guy does any cooler shit, he might be allowed to be spoken in the same sentence as me. Oh shit. Regardless, Charlie Sheen is getting by on his knack for coke and having sex with whores. The ideal life.

Which leads me to his polar opposite. Nicolas Cage. He can be identified as the worst actor of all-time. If you don't believe me watch Ghost Rider for 4 minutes. And what's most sad about that last statement is that Ghost rider isn't even the worst movie he's done in the past 5 years. Have you ever heard of "Knowing"? Or what about "The Wicker Man"? If you ever have some free time, take a look at his IMDB page and let me know what you think about this clowndick. Whereas Charlie Sheen gets away with shitty acting by fornicating with lots of women and doing cool drugs, Nic Cage does not get away with it because he's stupid.

Name one good movie of Nicolas Cage's that you've seen in the past 10 years. I bet you can't do it. Because in all honesty he has never done a good film. Not one. Not ever. 'Con Air' was lame as shit. 'Gone In 60 Seconds' was a remake and it was still shit. 'The Rock' was a wrestler in the late 90s. No good has ever come from anything Nic Cage has been associated with. 'Face-Off'? Holy fucking shit I almost had a seizure after watching that whack production. I will never watch another Nic Cage movie ever again.

So when our children have conversations when we get older, or should I say my children because none of you will get married or have kids because you are too ugly and stupid, they will ask me "Daddy, who did you like as an actor when you were a little shit?" (and he'll curse too because I won't raise a pussy). I'll tell little whatever his name is, "I liked Charlie Sheen because he got to fuck a lot of people when he was in his prime. But I didn't like Nicolas Cage because 'The Wicker Man' was the worst spent 2 hours of my life. Even worse than waiting for your birth." And then we'll take a shot of pomegranate Burnett's and sing a song that goes something like this, "I am better than you."

Summer Camp Is For Liberals And Assholes

Yeah yeah, I know it's the wrong season. Fuck you. Today we're going to talk about summer camp. If you had the unfortunate privilege of going to a summer camp when you were younger, I feel sorry for you. Growing up, I went to a private school that graduated 12 in my 8th grade class. We had one attractive girl and the rest were all Polaks. Out of 10 boys, myself included, five looked like a fried kielbasa. In many ways that school ruined my life.

One way in which it didn't ruin my life was that all the kids in my class were all losers and definitely didn't have the ability to go to summer camp because they were too stupid. So I never felt out of place amongst them because even from an early age, I was clearly more superior. It wasn't until I got to high school and even college that the premise of summer camp was brought up.

I went to another private school for high school and most of the kids there were either wealthy as shit or complete fuckups. All the wealthy ones did drugs and slept around, like most high school students. I saved myself until college because I wanted to be the end-all to everything great. I was.

College rolls around and now real conversations take place. None of this backstabbing dramatic hee-haw bullshit. Real conversations about summer camp. I had a Jewish roommate for 3-4 years. He went to Jewish camp. I think they call it 'Yom Kippur' Day Camp or something else really Jewish. Right then and there I knew going to summer camp was liberal.

What can you possibly do at summer camp that is soooo cool? Sleep on extra small twin beds with a fat kid who pisses the bed? Or play in the woods and get lyme disease? Have a picnic with kids who can't tie their own shoelaces? Swimming in a lake infested with leeches? None of these things sound remotely cool. When I was a kid I played video games and watched 'American Gladiators', easily the greatest show of all-time.

And when I wasn't crushing Nintendo 64 I went outside and played sports like a real man. Sometimes I even played Manhunt. I bet if you played manhunt at a dumb summer camp you would get lost in the woods and eaten by a huge black bear. Not my idea of fun. Plus, living in the comfort of my own home I got to eat cool ass shit. Not that pubic infested black bean casserole bullshit or sloppy joe with rat blood.

So don't tell me 'Yom Kippur' Day Camp helped shape your identity and made you more social with people. All it did was lead you to make poor decisions, like voting for Obama. Summer camp is officially the reason why he is in office. Because look at me. I didn't go to summer camp and I turned out just fine, wouldn't you agree? The next time you consider talking about summer camp to me remember that I didn't go because "I am better than you."