The Top 10 Worst Baby Names In The History Of The World (Part 2)

Welcome welcome welcome back. Let's get into this. On to the top 5.

5. Kal-el (Nicolas Cage + Alice Kim)

If you are a devoted reader to the blog, you already know my feelings on Nicolas Cage. (See January: Charlie Sheen Is A Maverick etc.) So in spite of him being the shittiest actor ever, he decides to ruin his child's life from birth. Kal-el Cage. Since 99% of you aren't huge nerds, let me explain the name Kal-el. Kal-el is also known as Superboy, you know the guy who grows up to become SUPERMAN. Are you fucking kidding me Nic? You think your half-Asian child is going to grow up to be Superman? What a pipe dream. Why didn't you just name him Clark like every other parent who has fantasies about Superman. Why choose Kal-el? Oh right. Because you're a piece of shit actor with a just as shitty wife. Fuck off idiots.

4. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee + Beth Riesgraf)

Your name is Earl and you are a fucking moron. What more can be said after naming your child that? On your dumb sitcom, the premise of the show was to go back and make amends for all the wrongs you did in your life. It was called the Karma Payment Plan. (Now I have a friend with the same title for a blog. Loser) Too bad you aren't more like Charlie Sheen and let your art imitate your life because then you could go back to the day your child was born and rename him/her. This is easily the biggest regret of your life. Were you a fan of Inspector Gadget or something as a kid? Do you not know how to spell? These are questions that I don't have the answers to but I wish I did. P.S. Your wife is hot as shit.

3. Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow + Debbon Ayer)

I've always joked, kinda, about how I was going to name my child Dracula Scooter because in reality Dracula is a powerful name and my kid is going to get the shit kicked out of him regardless. So let him have a cool name at least. But this name clearly came from somebody who lost a bet. Or was double-doggy dared to name his kid Tu. Rob Morrow is another actor who has little success in the film industry but made a real splash by naming his kid Tu. Tu Morrow. Tomorrow. Is your daughter a representation of the things that you wish would get better like your movie career, tomorrow? Huh, Rob? Because this is clearly the meanest name you could possibly give someone. It isn't even funny or cute. It's just pure evil. At least the other names on the list are stupid because they're completely made up. But this was just done with malice. I hope you never make another movie you dirtbag.

2. Moxie CrimeFighter, Zolten (Penn + Emily Jillette)

Two summers ago, we had just signed up for DirecTV in my house. With the package came 3 free months of HBO, Showtime, Starz, and Encore. During said time there was a show on Showtime late night featuring Penn and Teller. Now, I've never found these two to be all that great magicians, illusionists, entertainers, or whatever you call them nowadays. But I watched in earnest because, well, it was free. If I hadn't lost all respect for Penn watching the show, it certainly came after I saw what he named his children. Moxie CrimeFighter and Zolten. Google image his wife and then you'll see why this was allowed. I'm not even against the Moxie portion of the name, it's the CrimeFighter. Why did you have to put that there Penn? Why? And Zolten? Were you watching a really bad porno and that was one of the black Greek gods? It hurts me to think that there is a worse name /s than these two.

So here it is. The Number 1 worst name/s in the history of the world. What could be worse than Moxie CrimeFighter and Zolten...

1. Moon Unit, Diva Muffin, and Dweezil (Frank + Gail Zappa)

I'm not kidding. Those are actually those adults' names. Frank Zappa was a musician in the 60s and gained his notoriety with the band, The Mothers of Invention. It's kinda sad though, that he was more noted for the horrible horrible names he gave to his children as opposed to the music he wrote and played. But it's all thanks to him and his wife Gail that all these celebrities give their children atrocious names. So he's a legend for all the wrong reasons. I remember when my uncle first told me about Dweezil and Moon Unit. I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever heard. Like why would you name your child that? But here I am, making a reference to them all these years later. The power stupidity has is scary. Thanks Frank and Gail for helping me make a mockery of you and your children.

There it is. The top 10 worst names in the history of the world. Do you think I missed out on anyone? Any names you think are worse? Write them down, put it in an envelope, and shove it up your ass because your opinions are wrong and mine are right. That's what happens when "I am better than you."

Dinosaurs Are NOT Real And I Can Prove It

When I first made this statement off-hand a little while ago, I was looked at like a buffoon. Little did my detractors know that I had proof that dinosaurs never existed. My proof? A brain. From the very beginning of our lives, we learned in school about dinosaurs that used to walk the earth and run shit. They ate plants, each other, or both. But nobody saw any of these dinosaurs because they existed 34,000,000 million years ago or some other bullshit like that. So first you want me to believe that something like 25x the size of an elephant existed? And then you want me to believe that the earth is that old? Now that's some psycho-babble bullshit.

Yes I saw Role Models. Yes I am aware of birds. No don't be a dumbass and think to yourself that they are what's left of the dinosaurs. Dinosaurs never existed. They were made up by people who wanted to travel the world and needed an excuse from the government for funding. I'm almost 100% certain that a liberal was in office when archaelogists became a profession. It is almost as respectable as being a climatologist. Whereas we watch the weathermen/women be wrong in predicting weather three days in the future, we have people who watch patterns over a longer period of time and try to predict it. So they don't know the weather at the end of the week but can tell me what it will be in June? Hot, I'm sure.

Think about it. I live in New Jersey. One of the shittiest states in the Union besides Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Connecticut. Why is it that there are no dinosaur fossils anywhere near the United States? If this whole Pangaea nonsense is in fact true and the entire world was connected together at one point, wouldn't the fossils be spread around evenly? So they typically only find fossils in Canyon-like areas in the Middle East or Africa or Australia. But never in North America? Hmm. That seems a bit off to me. Needless to say, archaelogists have also never found an entire dinosaurs' remains. And don't you dare say because it's 34,000,000 million years old. It's because they never existed.

So what is it that you say those fossils are then? Simple. Just plain animals. They predict based on the fossils they found what the dinosaur would have looked like instead of accepting what that animal they just found actually looked like. Stop believing everything you read. Dinosaurs aren't real. And this doesn't have anything to do with my religious beliefs. In fact, I don't have any. At all. I simply don't believe dinosaurs existed because it seems too improbable. That's why I never saw Jurassic Park. And because I think Jeff Goldblum is the second worst actor of all-time, behind Nicolas Cage. However, you already knew that.

The only good thing about dinosaurs are the films "The Land Before Time". All of them. Great story, great editing, strong script, and superb voices. In all honesty, those movies are more believable than actual dinosaurs. Littlefoot is the most badass character in any animated film ever. You wouldn't want to mess with him because he was on a mission, going for some payback for his momma getting killed. Excellent film that gets my approval. Not an easy feat.

Down the road, when somebody chooses to have sex with you and get pregnant with your first child, make sure you teach that ugly piece of shit that dinosaurs never have existed. It will be in your best interest as well as the future generations if they are taught from an early age not to believe in fake things. Much like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. They will turn out living a much better life and you have me to thank for it. Let's applaud me for doing a great service for these United States. All just because "I am better than you."

Charlie Sheen Is A Maverick And Nicolas Cage Is The Shittiest Actor Ever

Every once in a while someone comes along that redefines life as we know it. A maverick, a maven. Somebody you would consider calling Primetime. I had the privilege of appointing all of these nicknames to myself over the course of my life. But another man deserves some credit too. If you don't know who I'm talking about then just read the title dummy. Charlie Sheen has crossed boundaries that put him in the legendary record books. No one will do the things Charlie Sheen does and be considered cool for the next 20 years. Let us embrace him.

After doing a shit-ton of movies that nobody saw because they were pretty fucking awful, Charlie disappeared into the abyss for a couple of years. He returned in 2002 or so with the not-so-funny sitcom "Two and a Half Men." Every episode of that show has been the same since it premiered all those years ago. But this here is a celebration of a class act and genuinely nice guy.

Last year he entered rehab for a sex addiction and probably a drug addiction too. Then a couple of months ago he threatened a porn star while high on coke and locked her in the bathroom. And just this past weekend he had an orgy with 3 more pornstars. If this guy does any cooler shit, he might be allowed to be spoken in the same sentence as me. Oh shit. Regardless, Charlie Sheen is getting by on his knack for coke and having sex with whores. The ideal life.

Which leads me to his polar opposite. Nicolas Cage. He can be identified as the worst actor of all-time. If you don't believe me watch Ghost Rider for 4 minutes. And what's most sad about that last statement is that Ghost rider isn't even the worst movie he's done in the past 5 years. Have you ever heard of "Knowing"? Or what about "The Wicker Man"? If you ever have some free time, take a look at his IMDB page and let me know what you think about this clowndick. Whereas Charlie Sheen gets away with shitty acting by fornicating with lots of women and doing cool drugs, Nic Cage does not get away with it because he's stupid.

Name one good movie of Nicolas Cage's that you've seen in the past 10 years. I bet you can't do it. Because in all honesty he has never done a good film. Not one. Not ever. 'Con Air' was lame as shit. 'Gone In 60 Seconds' was a remake and it was still shit. 'The Rock' was a wrestler in the late 90s. No good has ever come from anything Nic Cage has been associated with. 'Face-Off'? Holy fucking shit I almost had a seizure after watching that whack production. I will never watch another Nic Cage movie ever again.

So when our children have conversations when we get older, or should I say my children because none of you will get married or have kids because you are too ugly and stupid, they will ask me "Daddy, who did you like as an actor when you were a little shit?" (and he'll curse too because I won't raise a pussy). I'll tell little whatever his name is, "I liked Charlie Sheen because he got to fuck a lot of people when he was in his prime. But I didn't like Nicolas Cage because 'The Wicker Man' was the worst spent 2 hours of my life. Even worse than waiting for your birth." And then we'll take a shot of pomegranate Burnett's and sing a song that goes something like this, "I am better than you."