Wine, Pretzels, Friends And The Nobel Prize

Today I had a very long, lengthy conversation with a friend. We talked for nearly 2 hours. But we didn't talk about anything relevant to our lives. Okay maybe a little bit relevant, but not particularly. And aren't these the kinds of conversations that determine what a true friendship is? How many people can you honestly think of that you talked to steadily for a long time without many meaningful words being spoken? These people you come across in life are few and far between. So when you do find them, you should probably keep them around because they seem to be good people. And that's what I plan on doing.

I never drink wine. I have never gotten intoxicated from drinking wine. But I have drank wine. Red wine and white wine. Something about it offends me. It's typically bitter and sweet. But not bittersweet. I'm sure 99% of those reading this have tasted wine before. Maybe you are Italian and drink it on your Sunday lunch/dinner. Maybe you went to France and drank some exquisite wines like the pompous asshole you are. Or you went to Napa Valley and guzzled down some fermented grapes. Either way, wine tastes like shit. Unless of course it involves a Tour de Franzia. A classic case of binge drinking. Finish the box of win before your opponent to win!

Pretzels are a delicious snack. I can eat pretzels all day every day until my molars are filled with its remnants. I like salty pretzels, Goldfish pretzels, SuperPretzels, and chocolate-covered pretzels. M&M's Pretzels and that's all. Honey Wheat pretzels are disgusting and a travesty bestowed upon the American public. If you like Honey Wheat flavored pretzels, I no longer like you. And what's the deal with Butter Snaps? I really like butter. On bread, popcorn, or my hair, you name it I like it. But on packaged pretzels? No way Jose. Lather some up and dump it on a SuperPretzel and I'm all for it. But please don't ruin my cold pretzel with fake-flavored butter.

I really miss my friends. Sometimes I tell them I hate them and that I don't miss them because I don't want them to see how weak I am. The hardest part of college isn't leaving behind the academics and the stress and the assholes on campus who are smarter than you. The hardest part of college is missing coming home to your friends laying in bed playing Tetris or watching Tourette's Guy videos on YouTube. Wishing that somebody was around to talk to and hang out with or maybe even watch the Food Channel with. Saddle up and play Gears of War for a solid hour or two. You don't get any of that when you live at home. And it sucks. That's why I miss my friends. But don't tell them I said so.

How do I go about being nominated for a Nobel Prize? I know they have categories for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, Peace and most importantly Literature. Can someone who knows some laureates get them to nominate me for this accredited literature I produce on a daily basis? Is it too much to ask? Did you know that people who win the Nobel Prize receive a gold medal and a million dollars or so? Chances are if you're winning a Nobel Prize, money is not an issue for you. They should donate to the Human Fund or something. That's what I'm not going to do when you all help me achieve that goal.

See how easy it is to get wrapped up in all the hodgepodge? Don't you feel that much closer to me now than you did 3 minutes ago? I tend to have that effect on people. I've been told on numerous occasions that when people read the blog, they can hear my voice through the words. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I guess it evokes some kind of emotion in you. To my amigo (Spanish for "friend") that talked to me for 2 hours, who I was a piece of shit to at times, thanks for still being my friend. I appreciate your loyalty and ingenuinity. I feel like I'm growing up. Not enough to stop me from saying, "I am better than you."

St. Patrick's Day Has Come Early. Why America Drinks For No Reason

March 17 is a "national" holiday. I say "national" because people still have work on it, but it's considered to be something that everyone celebrates in some regard. It is on this day that we all become Irish. Looking back at what I was taught growing up, St. Patrick's Day was a day to celebrate an Irishmen who lifted the boundaries on the Catholic teaching and became an icon of sorts. So we celebrate in America because we are all Catholic? No, I'm mistaken. We celebrate it because we are all Irish. Nope, that doesn't sound right either. The real reason we celebrate it is because Americans are alcoholics and find it necessary to get hammered for no real reason.

Think about it. There appears to be one day in every month that we find a reason to get fucked up. In January, we have Martin Luther King Jr. Day, February has the Super Bowl, March has St. Patty's, April has my birthday, May has Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence), June has Flag Day, July has Independence Day, August has the end of summer day somewhere in there, September has Labor Day, October has Halloween, November has Thanksgiving, and December has Christmas or Hanukkah. There you have it. A run-down of all the reasons we find to drink as a country. Why?

Alcoholism. Mitch Hedburg once said, "Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having." But let's be honest with ourselves. Deep down we are all a little bit alcoholics. Who's to say that a glass of wine or 2 with dinner is wrong? Or watching Legends of the Hidden Temple and having a drink every time Kirk Fogg touches a kid. It's okay to have a drinking problem, as long as you don't drive or beat the shit out of your partner, Chris Brown. Life presents some very difficult challenges and stresses, and sometimes the only way to alleviate it is with a drink. But you shouldn't get carried away.

Beerfest is a film that celebrates the kookiness and spontaneity of drinking. Games and chugging contests. What isn't fun about drinking? Nothing. Everything is fun. You get to make excuses for making out with ugly people or doing worse things. You get to throw up and/or dry-heave for a solid 5-10 minute ab workout. Heck, you can even find a reason to sleep-in the whole next day. Of course we find days to drink. Everything about it is great. Everything that is but the almighty hangover. How some freakshows never end up with one is beyond me, but maybe, just maybe one day, I'll figure out the mystery to end the hangover. It's more important than world hunger, in my opinion.

This weekend is going to be a real special one for me. I'm going to see some friends from college for the first time since I left their beautiful faces in May. Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine that it was that long ago. But time flies when you're unemployed and living at home. So I would like to take this time to thank Mr. St. Patrick for finding three-leaf-clovers and keeping the tradition of Catholicism alive and prevalent. Because without you Patty, us Americans would have to find another reason to get tanked. But I won't need another reason to tell you, "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://unrealitymag.com/wpcon

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How To Lose A Girl In 3 Dates Or Less

I have an unnatural and uncanny ability to give the worst first impressions in the history of the world. I don't know if it's because I say stupid things, do stupid things, or a combination of the two. I once told a girl's mother, who I was friends with, that I didn't care if her daughter got raped. While I said it in a very clear, sarcastic tone, it still was not the right thing to say. Let me "try" to explain the situation. I was helping this person move in and I was having a nice conversation with her mother. She told me "You better take care of my daughter and make sure that nothing happens to her." I then went on to say, "No, I'm going to let her walk home by herself and I don't care if she gets raped." Ouch. It's never funny to joke about rape and I made it a point to refrain from doing so from that point forward. Kind-of.

So where does this leave us? Considering I make the worst first impressions, I recently came across a man who has made an even worse first or second or even third impression. Whereas I went the rape route, he went on the "I have zero self-confidence route". There is about a 0% chance he is reading this, but if he ever comes across this blog one day, I hope I can make a difference in his life. My guide on how NOT to lose a girl in 3 dates or less.

1.) Never ask her if she's interested in you - For this particular doofus, he had been on a date with this girl at least 3 or 4 times. They had gone to an ice rink, a restaurant, and maybe even a bar just to have a couple of drinks. Well, one night he walked her back to her apartment and asked her if she was interested in him. "No, I am not interested in you. Not even a little. I guess the first 3 dates weren't enough for you to realize that I keep giving you another chance." Don't ask stupid ass questions.

2.) Can I give you a kiss? - Why do people find this a necessary question to ask? What if I say no? Now it's going to be really awkward, even more so than when you asked for a kiss. Easily one of the worst questions to ask anyone at any given time. If I don't want to kiss you, I will turn my face to avoid the lips. Or I will grab you by the shoulders and tell you goodnight. Or I will just say no and let you drown in self-defeat. Possibly more awkward than asking if she's interested in you, but that's on your own discretion. (I was also speaking as if I was a girl. I'm not into guys.)

3.) Avoid the wine bar - Sure wine bars are a great place to try some fascinating flavors of fermented grapes. But, how old are we? I don't think it's socially acceptable to go on a date to a wine bar until at least she has gone through menstration or I need a blue diamond pill to get it up. So, where does that leave us in terms of age? 29? Seriously, a wine bar? That is the extreme definition of lame. And what else are you going to do, swirl the wine in your glass and smell it? Drink it with your pinky in the air, as opposed to its usual place - your asshole. Next, you'll be showing off your ship-in-the-bottle collection in your den. Grow down, asshole.

I can't think of any more boring ass shit you can turn a girl away with. So I'll leave it at three. A most holy number. And just remember first, second, and third impressions are everything. If she's willing to give you another chance and then another one, don't make her feel like a dumb-dumb by regretting it. And don't tell girls mom's that you don't care if their daughter gets raped. I can't reiterate it enough. It's not funny, even if you tried really hard to make sure they knew you were being sarcastic even if you had just met them 5 minutes earlier. Sorry BF. We all have our regrets, but that doesn't mean that I forgot that, "I am better than you."