The Best Way To Get In A Girl's Pants Is Magic

I once received a text message on my phone sometime during the 2007-2008 school year. The text read "I can't stop thinking about magic." It was from a friend of mine, the same friend who found it necessary to camp in our apartment watching shitty movies on HBO because he didn't want to pay for cable. And heck, I never minded walking into my house to see him sitting there watching anything. His presence alone ensured a fun time. One day he saw a video of David Blaine on Youtube, and magic became a new fascination that would only be quenched once it was fully mastered. These next 3 weeks were beyond entertaining for me. (P.S. He really thought this was David Blaine)

It all started with card tricks. Finding the 4 Jack's who robbed the bank, or throwing them at the wall and holding some Ace was what I became accustomed to. I didn't get to see any of those lame quarter behind the ear tricks or doves flying out of hats. It mostly started and ended with card tricks. Once he got comfortable enough, he took his talents on the road. The road meaning our next door neighbors apartment. Four girls, 2 of which had boyfriends. But really nice, cool down to earth chicks. Time for the magic show. He performed his patented two card tricks and did them well. I think they pretended to care. I was in awe.

After that show was when magic really took over. I received a text message at 5:14 am stating the above message. I knew it had engrossed him and wouldn't stop until it failed. The true test would be if it worked at a party. Get a girl really drunk, show her some magic tricks, and see if her panties will drop. But we had one problem. Our master illusionist was in a long-term, committed relationship. There would be no panty-dropping. So we settled on watching the 'The Prestige' with Christian Bale on repeat. I never found out if magic tricks worked on drunk chicks. That is until today. I'm taking up magic.

I spent the early portion/my whole day going to local magic shops finding a cape and top hat that fit me perfectly. I went to a pet store and bought one of those albino-looking rabbits. I went to an animal rescue in my town and asked if they had any doves. They didn't, so I captured some pigeons in my backyard. Spray paint will work, won't it? I bought trick cards, trick coins, a wand, cups and balls, and last but not least, a Criss Angel DVD for beginners of magic. Since you already know all my secrets of how I became so good, don't be disappointed when I show you the neat tricks.

None of my friends respect me or would have sex with me, so I thought the next best thing to do would be to create a posting on Craigslist. In my posting, I wrote that I am an executive magician and that I can make a girl's panties drop with one flick of my magic wand. Whether they want to dive deeper into that and assume my private part is a wand is entirely up to their discretion. Otherwise, I showcased a picture of myself and my contact info. Not five minutes had passed before I received a phone call from a girl asking me to come show her some of my magic tricks. I simply had to oblige.

So I drove down about 25 miles from my house to this girl to show her some magic. I clearly didn't think this through because I don't know this girl at all and it could actually be a perverted man looking to have his way with a stellar young adult. Fortunately for me, it was a decent looking girl and my magic act began. I showed her several tricks, 1 or 2, until she told me to come up to her room. At this point in time if you have believed anything happened from paragraph 3 until now, you clearly are entirely too gullible. The only thing that drops girl's panties is her low self-esteem. That and a picture of me because "I am better than you."

The Top 10 Greatest Songs Of The 90s. And By 90s I Mostly Mean 1996-1999. (Part 1)

I really like 90s music. It's as if I'm living in the past and I can't get unstuck. So I sit in my room and listen to my iTunes. And when I'm not listening to that I put on Pandora. By the way, Pandora really sucks dick now. They have commercials for soap.com literally every other song. I don't want to hear about code soap guy anymore. It ruined the integrity of the website. But back to business. Anyone who has the ability to listen to music should know that the 90s provided some of the best music ever recorded in the history of the Earth. Bands like Nirvana, Third Eye Blind, and The Backstreet Boys dominated the airwaves. So I give you the honor of reading the Top 10 Greatest Songs of the 90s. And by 90s I mean mostly from 1996-1999.

10. Duncan Sheik - "Barely Breathing"

First of all, what is a Duncan Sheik? I know it isn't his name because noone would allow their child to go through that daily living hell. However, this song is one of my personal favorites. Lyrically, it's fascinating, relaying the pains of an ended relationship. Marvelous Duncan. The guitar tickles my eardrums and his voice is like a virgin goddess. It's a real shame that he decided to quit making popular music and start a Tony-award winning career on Broadway. Heard of Spring Awakening? Me neither.

9. Paula Cole - "I Don't Want To Wait"

If the first thing you think of isn't Dawson's Creek, you are totally full of shit and an asshole. This song represents the greatest drama produced for teenagers and young adults for the year ending 1998. Katie Holmes in her prime and a dieseled James Van Der Beek. Beautiful. I'm also pretty confident that Ms. Cole and her hairy armpits won a Grammy for this love ballad. And in all honesty, if it wasn't the theme song for the aforementioned cult classic drama, I wouldn't have included it in this list. But today you get a reprieve Paula. You're welcome.

8. Sugar Ray - "Fly"

Perhaps a guilty pleasure to like Sugar Ray. Or perhaps it's the ability to hear what good music sounds like. Mark McGrath probably got more than a handful of girls and guys to drop their panties in the late 90s. The music was so generic and bland that it had mass appeal. There was nothing special about Sugar Ray. McGrath has a shitty voice, but it all came together for everyone's enjoyment. Plus, how could you not like a former host of Entertainment Tonight and currently, Don't Forget the Lyrics!

7. Ricky Martin - "Livin' La Vida Loca"

It's not possible to bypass Ricky Martin on this list. This song made it socially acceptable to enjoy listening to Latin music again. It was previously banned after the whole Selena incident and movie that Jennifer Lopez ruined. But thanks to Ricky Martin, "Upside inside out. She's livin la vida loca." I don't know what the fuck that means, but it doesn't take away from blowing my mind. And did you see those sweet leather pants/assless chaps he's wearing? Incredible to have so much audacity. I'm also not surprised that he is a homosexual, not that there's anything wrong with that.

6. Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Under The Bridge"

So I included one song not from the Golden Age of music. But that's ok, this song rocks my socks. Any time you can open up to the masses about something that's really sensitive and personal, I have to give my respects. True story, it's said that Anthony Kiedis wrote this song in his journal as a poem only to be discovered by his agent. His agent in turn asked him to write music to it because it was a sure-fire hit. Hesitant at first, he finally obliged and well as they say, the rest is history. He's not the first person to suffer from drug addiction, and certainly he won't be the last. But to tell everyone and their mother about it, I'm impressed. You win 6th place.

(To be continued tomorrow.)

Wine, Pretzels, Friends And The Nobel Prize

Today I had a very long, lengthy conversation with a friend. We talked for nearly 2 hours. But we didn't talk about anything relevant to our lives. Okay maybe a little bit relevant, but not particularly. And aren't these the kinds of conversations that determine what a true friendship is? How many people can you honestly think of that you talked to steadily for a long time without many meaningful words being spoken? These people you come across in life are few and far between. So when you do find them, you should probably keep them around because they seem to be good people. And that's what I plan on doing.

I never drink wine. I have never gotten intoxicated from drinking wine. But I have drank wine. Red wine and white wine. Something about it offends me. It's typically bitter and sweet. But not bittersweet. I'm sure 99% of those reading this have tasted wine before. Maybe you are Italian and drink it on your Sunday lunch/dinner. Maybe you went to France and drank some exquisite wines like the pompous asshole you are. Or you went to Napa Valley and guzzled down some fermented grapes. Either way, wine tastes like shit. Unless of course it involves a Tour de Franzia. A classic case of binge drinking. Finish the box of win before your opponent to win!

Pretzels are a delicious snack. I can eat pretzels all day every day until my molars are filled with its remnants. I like salty pretzels, Goldfish pretzels, SuperPretzels, and chocolate-covered pretzels. M&M's Pretzels and that's all. Honey Wheat pretzels are disgusting and a travesty bestowed upon the American public. If you like Honey Wheat flavored pretzels, I no longer like you. And what's the deal with Butter Snaps? I really like butter. On bread, popcorn, or my hair, you name it I like it. But on packaged pretzels? No way Jose. Lather some up and dump it on a SuperPretzel and I'm all for it. But please don't ruin my cold pretzel with fake-flavored butter.

I really miss my friends. Sometimes I tell them I hate them and that I don't miss them because I don't want them to see how weak I am. The hardest part of college isn't leaving behind the academics and the stress and the assholes on campus who are smarter than you. The hardest part of college is missing coming home to your friends laying in bed playing Tetris or watching Tourette's Guy videos on YouTube. Wishing that somebody was around to talk to and hang out with or maybe even watch the Food Channel with. Saddle up and play Gears of War for a solid hour or two. You don't get any of that when you live at home. And it sucks. That's why I miss my friends. But don't tell them I said so.

How do I go about being nominated for a Nobel Prize? I know they have categories for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, Peace and most importantly Literature. Can someone who knows some laureates get them to nominate me for this accredited literature I produce on a daily basis? Is it too much to ask? Did you know that people who win the Nobel Prize receive a gold medal and a million dollars or so? Chances are if you're winning a Nobel Prize, money is not an issue for you. They should donate to the Human Fund or something. That's what I'm not going to do when you all help me achieve that goal.

See how easy it is to get wrapped up in all the hodgepodge? Don't you feel that much closer to me now than you did 3 minutes ago? I tend to have that effect on people. I've been told on numerous occasions that when people read the blog, they can hear my voice through the words. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I guess it evokes some kind of emotion in you. To my amigo (Spanish for "friend") that talked to me for 2 hours, who I was a piece of shit to at times, thanks for still being my friend. I appreciate your loyalty and ingenuinity. I feel like I'm growing up. Not enough to stop me from saying, "I am better than you."