5 Things You Need To Eat Before Your Overweight Body Quits On You

Relax your boner, quit seizuring, and listen up. I know what you're thinking. I'm a man amongst men. I've conquered things that only few can dream about. I have the appetite of a 3-year-old girl. Yep, that's right. I choose my choice of foods very carefully. I like pizza and chicken and that about covers it. Sure things can get pretty terrible at the dinner table every night. But do you see me complaining? Nope, because you don't live with me. But in all seriousness, I like really just a handful of things and I wanted to provide some hope for people who like even fewer than me. If I like the shit I'm about to mention, you need to heed my advice and trust that I'll lead you to the Promised Land. Buckle up, idiots.

5. Plain pizza with pepperoncini's

I wanted to start off rather simple, because isn't it the simple things in life that make you the happiest? Like watching your neighbor when he's, I mean, she's in the shower, looking up a girl's dress/skirt when she's in a stairwell, or lying in bed with the person you love the most and watching shitty movies. Well, at least that's how it is for me. Watch this quick video.

So pizza with pepperoncini's you say? Absolutely. Pizza consists of some of the best stuff in the world. Bread, cheese, and marinara sauce. I personally like to add a little kick to it so I tell the assholes in the kitchen to toss some pepperoncini's on top. They aren't too hot for an avid spicy food eater like myself or any other human with a penis. However, some girls might have some trouble putting it down, because they are girls after all. Very basic, very simple. If you can't master cooking this, you better be hot as fuck.

4. Blueberry glazed donut

If I only had the option of eating one more dessert/slash breakfast item for the rest of my life I would have no hesitation in saying the blueberry glazed donut after careful consideration over waffles with ice cream. It's fried dough, blueberries, and sugar. Plus, you could be like one of those liberal assholes who goes on and on about antioxidants and healthy life food or shit like that. Just give me the fried dough and sugar and I'll be on my way. Take the time out of your worthless life to try this magnificent treat. Believe me, it's the best.

3. Cucumbers with lemon juice and red pepper flakes

My Jewish roommate in college loved watching the Food Network. He also liked to cook using his favorite ingredients: bacon, butter, bacon butter, fat, and nutella. It was no small wonder that he could never get a date, but I digress. One day watching one of those shows, one of the chefs made this simple recipe. Dousing some freshly cut cucumbers into a bowl with lemon juice and red pepper flakes. I was hesitant at first, but it literally blew my mind. So three of us sat in the living room with 3 forks and 1 bowl aggressively attacking this novel treat. What did I tell you about the simple things people? Marvelous and elegant.

2. The Sho-Walter

Don't mind the size of the photo. It serves its purpose. As for the Sho-Walter, downtown from where I previously went to college, they had a burger place. This place was called "Jack Brown's." In four years of attendance, I visited this restaurant 2 times. It's quite possible that it's my biggest regret ever in life, but then again I don't regret anything. This sandwich, which consisted of a hamburger patty, bacon, a fried egg, cheese, and get this, a glazed donut instead of a bun, was the second greatest thing to ever enter into my mouth. No small feat as a lot of things have been placed in there. It's photos like these that I'm tagged in on Facebook that put me into a manic depression. No burger can ever compare to this. Ever.

1. Salami and pastrami on rye/white/wheat bread featuring pickles

I couldn't afford pastrami in college because I was unemployed my whole life. So I made an audible. I took salami and pickles and made a sandwich out of it. Disgusting? Guess again shit-brain. This sandwich was introduced to me by my father. Well, he used to wrap turkey, salami, or cheese around a pickle and eat as some sort of snack. I elaborated on it and put it on some bread. Then when I went to go visit my liberal friends from school in New York City, we ventured into Katz's Deli and boom, salami and pastrami on rye with a side a pickles. Oh Mr. Katz, you slay me! Before you die, you have to try this ensemble of food. It will melt your brains because it is so good. Trust me, I've never lied ever before.

I hope all you assholes reading this right now are in work and that your mouth is salivating because it's almost lunch time. I hope you forgot your lunch. I hope you starve for the rest of the day. But in all honesty, you need to eat everything I just mentioned. Preferably in one sitting. Then I can consider you half the man that I am and I won't be so inclined to tell you that, "I am better than you."

Wine, Pretzels, Friends And The Nobel Prize

Today I had a very long, lengthy conversation with a friend. We talked for nearly 2 hours. But we didn't talk about anything relevant to our lives. Okay maybe a little bit relevant, but not particularly. And aren't these the kinds of conversations that determine what a true friendship is? How many people can you honestly think of that you talked to steadily for a long time without many meaningful words being spoken? These people you come across in life are few and far between. So when you do find them, you should probably keep them around because they seem to be good people. And that's what I plan on doing.

I never drink wine. I have never gotten intoxicated from drinking wine. But I have drank wine. Red wine and white wine. Something about it offends me. It's typically bitter and sweet. But not bittersweet. I'm sure 99% of those reading this have tasted wine before. Maybe you are Italian and drink it on your Sunday lunch/dinner. Maybe you went to France and drank some exquisite wines like the pompous asshole you are. Or you went to Napa Valley and guzzled down some fermented grapes. Either way, wine tastes like shit. Unless of course it involves a Tour de Franzia. A classic case of binge drinking. Finish the box of win before your opponent to win!

Pretzels are a delicious snack. I can eat pretzels all day every day until my molars are filled with its remnants. I like salty pretzels, Goldfish pretzels, SuperPretzels, and chocolate-covered pretzels. M&M's Pretzels and that's all. Honey Wheat pretzels are disgusting and a travesty bestowed upon the American public. If you like Honey Wheat flavored pretzels, I no longer like you. And what's the deal with Butter Snaps? I really like butter. On bread, popcorn, or my hair, you name it I like it. But on packaged pretzels? No way Jose. Lather some up and dump it on a SuperPretzel and I'm all for it. But please don't ruin my cold pretzel with fake-flavored butter.

I really miss my friends. Sometimes I tell them I hate them and that I don't miss them because I don't want them to see how weak I am. The hardest part of college isn't leaving behind the academics and the stress and the assholes on campus who are smarter than you. The hardest part of college is missing coming home to your friends laying in bed playing Tetris or watching Tourette's Guy videos on YouTube. Wishing that somebody was around to talk to and hang out with or maybe even watch the Food Channel with. Saddle up and play Gears of War for a solid hour or two. You don't get any of that when you live at home. And it sucks. That's why I miss my friends. But don't tell them I said so.

How do I go about being nominated for a Nobel Prize? I know they have categories for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, Peace and most importantly Literature. Can someone who knows some laureates get them to nominate me for this accredited literature I produce on a daily basis? Is it too much to ask? Did you know that people who win the Nobel Prize receive a gold medal and a million dollars or so? Chances are if you're winning a Nobel Prize, money is not an issue for you. They should donate to the Human Fund or something. That's what I'm not going to do when you all help me achieve that goal.

See how easy it is to get wrapped up in all the hodgepodge? Don't you feel that much closer to me now than you did 3 minutes ago? I tend to have that effect on people. I've been told on numerous occasions that when people read the blog, they can hear my voice through the words. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I guess it evokes some kind of emotion in you. To my amigo (Spanish for "friend") that talked to me for 2 hours, who I was a piece of shit to at times, thanks for still being my friend. I appreciate your loyalty and ingenuinity. I feel like I'm growing up. Not enough to stop me from saying, "I am better than you."