I Had Cyber Sex With A Stranger In A Chatroom

The year was 2011. It was another uneventful Memorial Day and I felt the need to do something spectacular. Something so marvelous, that I would be able to inscribe the memory on my tombstone or urn after my passing. But since everyone that I associate with was still down the shore with their friends, or getting drunk and having sexy time, I had to think of something on my own. So I started thinking about all the really cool things you can do by yourself: take shots, watch pornography, smoke weed. But none of those things really seemed like a good idea at the time. That is until I remember what AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) was good for. Cyber sex.

Back in the early 2000s, AIM was the shit. It was a forum where you can get screen names from all your friends and talk to them on the computer. You know, instead of meeting them in person and having a jolly time. The premise of it was just mind-shattering and I think it set the benchmark for all the future social media sites that we are accustomed to today. So while Mark Zuckerberg is blowing lines with $100 bills and wiping his ass with $50s, he should pray to his heavenly Father thanking him that AIM took off the way that it did. Otherwise that goofball would probably be the president of Google or something way less cooler.

(2008 Gold Medal at the Virgin Olympics. More details to come)

The great thing about AIM was that it inhibited chat rooms. These were private rooms that held about 40 or so people and allowed them to talk about a certain topic together. It probably started out just like that until one day some creep messaged a girl and asked her one simple question: A/S/L? For those who lived under a rock, or were cool enough to hang out in real life, that stood for age, sex, location. So if you were honest, 13/m/nj, you pretty much got dismissed immediately. All the creepy, pervy guys wanted to talk to 11/f/la. But every so often you hit the jackpot and got a 14/f/fl. Bingo bango bongooooooooooo.

The next hour was spent discussing stupid fucking topics such as, Blink-182, Yellowcard, Doug, and other queer things that you thought were cool at that age. And the next 3o minutes were make-or-break. They would usually ask for a pic followed by: s2r. Send to receive. Do you send a real picture? Will she find you disgustingly hideous? Do I send a picture of my 1 inch penis? What do I do? The answer was simple, really. Find a picture on Yahoo! images and send it to her. If you were lucky she would send one back. Probably in the same manner that you just did, because let's be honest. Attractive, skinny girls did not go in chat rooms. They were too busy peforming oral sex on the cool boy in the 8th grade.

(Me before college)

Finally you would ask the fateful question. "Hey, wanna cyber?" And they'd usually say yes and then you would type to them that they were so hot and how you wanted to kiss their mouth and touch their private parts. And they would repeat the same things to you, even though they were 42-year-old men looking for a little excitement. But heck, what did we know at that age? Not that we were cybering with an old man, that's for sure. Either way, we got ours and they get theirs and everybody was considered a winner. At least that's how I felt until they shut the chat rooms down. Gone are the days of cyber sexing with someone via text. That is until Skype was born.

My Skype sex post is by far my most popular. People like reading it because they are excited about this new technology. You can sit at your computer and pretty much video sex with the person on the other side. It's still considered cyber sex, I guess, but now you can see the person in real time. And still type dirty things to them. Skype actually dominates AIM in every single category because if you pay $8.99 per month you can have group video chats and if you're an uber-horny fuck you can pretty much orgy cyber-sex. Technology never ceases to amaze me. So before the world ends in 2012, you have to try cyber-sexing. It's pretty cool and so am I but you already knew that because "I am better than you."

Mega Millions, More Like Mega Horseshit

If you were one of say, I dunno, a lot of people to have played the lottery last night, it appears you lost. The final jackpot came out to $380 million, the second largest jackpot in the history of these here United States of America. It also turns out that we have two winners. Some dipshit from Idaho and another rascal from Washington. What the hell is an Idaho anyway? Is that some sort of Indian name? Excuse me. Native American name. Who lives in Idaho? What kinds of things do they do there?

I bet the guy who won it (I don't think they're allowed to have girls live there) name's Jeb or Willy or something dumb. I can see it now, reading his press release with the other dipshit liberal winner, "Oh golly I dern been playin' da lottery for 2o-suttin odd years now. I can't believe I done won it. Aww heck I'm gonna buy me a dandy potato farm." Way to go Idaho. Instead of letting a person from a real state win the lottery, you had to oblige and sell tickets there.

And what kind of dumbass numbers were drawn? Holy shit, I feel like I can't avoid that fucking 'Lost' show. I'm embarrassed I ever laid eyes on that worthless piece of shit program. But enough about that. All day yesterday I saw articles published on accredited websites, such as Yahoo! (and that's the only place I get my news from). But out of all the one articles I read it posed the question, what would you do with $355 million dollars?

Let me think. Since I'm going to have that much money in due time, I don't have to dream about it. However, for the average person, like you, it serves as a great question. Most of you will probably answer with a house, a vacation house, clothes, and fucking stupid 3d televisions. Unfortunately, you are leaving out the most important things. Like a lifetime supply of McDonald's, llamas, fountains spewing Sir Francis Drake, and gold statues depicting me.

As I grow older and become more and more wise, especially more than you, it's plain to see that winning the lottery is a false dream for people of my caliber, or even you. Those who are privileged to win the lottery must be from states that end in vowels. Like Idaho or Virginia, or Alabama or Louisiana, Mississippi and Georgia, the Carolinas, and even Florida. It's no small wonder to me that all the hick states in this absolutely wonderful country seem to end in vowels. There are others too, but you already knew that. And I chose to ignore Washington because they are all hippies and depressed because it rains 300 days a year.

In conclusion, don't play the lottery unless a) you are an uneducated hick, b) you enjoy losing, or c) you need me to reiterate to you that I didn't play because "I am better than you."