Oral Sex Is Causing Oral Cancer In Men. I Know What I Won't Do Anymore

A recent article published has declared that there is a correlation between men getting cancer in their mouths with the amount of oral sexes they are providing to women. (http://www.aolnews.com/2011/04/19/research-oral-sex-puts-men-at-risk-for-oral-cancer/) Since that appears to be the case, girls can forget about me doing that for them anymore. As a matter of fact, they can forget about me doing a lot of things for them. Who's to say that any other things I do out of the goodness of my heart won't result in some sort of illness. I've taken the liberty to provide a list of things I will no longer do for women because I value my life. Fuck yeah.

5. Take pictures

I know how much girls love to take pictures when they're out drinking. Back when Facebook used to be cool and allowed you the ability to stalk people's pictures, you'd always come across 3 girls pissing in a toilet or in the shower or even worse, in the sink. Those days are gone and thank goodness. I don't know how many pictures I've seen of girls taking pisses. What's the point? Of course I'd like to see you bottomless, but not while you're secreting urine from your hole. Staring at such pictures will probably cause cataracts or ocular cancer or something along those lines. I'm done taking pictures for you.

4. Work out

(Sweatshirts went out in '93 bro)

Rumor has it that girls like guys who work out. The bigger the muscles, the wetter the panties. I find that hard to believe considering the amount of girls I've made out with in my life. (8 by age 23? Not too shabby) But it's now something I'm not doing anymore. Sometimes I would go for a run and lift the 3 lbs. dumbells that my mom has, but I won't touch 'em again. They say the way to a girl's heart is to buy her Tiffany's, agree on everything, and the ability to throw her against the wall, of course in a completely consenual way. By not working out, I save myself the probability of acquiring bicep/tricep/shoulder cancer. 2 for 2.

3. Clean

I don't mean that kind of cleaning, you know the kind that women are especially good at. I mean the kind of cleaning that I do. Do you know what I did with my toothpaste, shampoo, soap, and shaving cream once I heard about the oral cancer? Yep, you guessed it. It went right in the trash. Girls love it when guys take care of themselves and make themselves presentable. I won't subject myself to it anymore. Nope. I used to trim my beard, wash my body, clean my hair, brush my teeth, but I can't see myself doing any of those things anymore. Not with the risk of hair cancer, skin cancer, or gum cancer. Way too risky. Sorry girls, the juice ain't worth the squeeze.

2. Watch tv

This one hurts me a lot. Like a whole lot. I really like watching tv. It's probably my greatest pastime. But the next time I get a girlfriend, I mean if, I will not cuddle in bed and watch television with her. Not when I'm forced to watch 'The Bachelorette', 'Desperate Housewives', 'Grey's Anatomy', '90210', and other terrible shows. That guy in the picture is only smiling because deep down he hopes that by wasting 2 hours of his life watching a slut make her decision about who she wants to get fucked by next week, that he will be rewarded with oral sex. Little does he know that oral sex is the devil now. I bet it was a female researcher. My brain and eyes are safe from cancer.

1. Shop

Oh give me a break asshole. Everyone who is looking at this picture knows you're full of shit. You have two bags in your hand and neither look like they're from Victoria's Secret, so we know you aren't having sexy sex tonight. I can't understand why girls love to shop. But I won't partake in it anymore. I never really did anyway. Shopping is my least favorite activity in the whole wide world. I'd almost rather eat a stalk of celery than waste 6 hours of my day watching you shop for things you can't really afford. Going shopping with women probably results in hand cancer, arm cancer, brain cancer, mouth cancer, ear cancer, and heart cancer. There's only so much a man can take before his body gives out on him. This is why I will never go shopping again.

Aren't I great or what? I single-handedly am abandoning all those great things that I used to do for women because I'm terrified of getting all those different kinds of cancer. And now by writing about it, I'm saving all the guys from cancer too. When they make more statues of me you can say you were there when I achieved such a lofty, prestigious honor. Until then, keep women away from. I do because "I am better than you."

Ready? OK! C-H-E-E-R-L-E-A-D-I-N-G Is Not A Sport

I'm not an athlete, but I'd consider myself to be somewhat athletic. I played baseball for 12 years and basketball for about 6. I never could play football because my mom told me I was too small. Every year I heard a different excuse. Put on 10 lbs. Grow 6 inches. Stop wearing your sister's Ruby Red Slippers (The Wizard of Oz). And I obliged with each and every one of those demands, except for the last one. But still, no football. I guess you can say I've gotten over it. But I'll never get over people who say that cheerleading is a sport. Because it isn't.

There are many reasons as to why I feel this way. Cheerleading doesn't involve a ball, you only get hurt because the fatty who threw you in the air probably dropped you, and doing cartwheels is something you can excel at from about the age of 4. So I've taken the liberty of criticizing this, as well as other "sports" that people claim to have played in high school and/or college. And just because you got a varsity jacket does not exclude you from this list. There were people in my high school who had Varsity Choir jackets, and clearly, singing is not a sport. I do not expect any disagreement there.

For many years, I've gotten into arguments with people as to whether or not cheerleading is a sport. They claim the risks involved in it and how difficult it is to perform certain stunts. But the truth of the matter is that cheerleading does not involve any kind of natural or physical ability. I'm pretty sure that anybody can take up cheerleading at any point in time and be just as good and successful as everyone else. The only competition you have is if you're prettier than the other girls. And sometimes that's not even a requirement. I've seen some pretty disgusting, overweight cheerleaders in my day.

Some other "sports" that don't fit the bill include, but are not limited to: swimming, dancing, diving, equestrian, skiing, track and field, snowboarding, pretty much anything winter, and bowling. Although bowling does involve a ball, it is quite possibly the furthest thing from a sport. And don't complain to me about the difficulties of snowboarding and how it's so hard and the spins and flips in the air are cool. I don't give a shit. If you want to waste your parents hard-earned money on a piece of shit board and do flips and twirls in the air, be my guest. But please, don't make a mockery of people who actually are athletic and do things much more respectable.

I ran track in high school. I would consider myself a little better than average. I was fast, but I wasn't blowing by or blowing anyone. But never did I consider what I was doing to be a sport. It's more like an activity that takes a really long time to become decent at. I don't know how many hours I spent in my life running. And to what end? Once you stop running for a while, it's gone. All that hard work and time and energy spent for absolutely no reason. Same goes for every other activity I listed above. Same shit. It takes all this time out of you, but then it just vanishes once you realize what you're doing is fucking stupid.

Some college friends of mine were swimmers and God bless them because they were all great kids. But I still will not classify swimming as a sport. It involves moving your arms and legs in a really fast motion. And sure they were in elite shape and made people who use workout videos look like little virgins, but it's still not a sport. Same goes to the liberals who played Ultimate Frisbee on the Quad. You people are not athletes. You're just a bunch of tree-hugging Obama-loving assholes. When you become a parent one day, only purchase your child a varsity jacket if they played a real sport because you're going to end up with people like me telling your kids that, "I am better than you."

Workout Videos Are Good For Muscles, Not For Getting Girls Excited

Most of the male population in the United States finds it necessary to have a work-out regimen. I however, am not one of those men. Simply put, I don't really care if you find my 12'' biceps unattractive or feminine. I am comfortable within my body. Realistically, would you rather I look like I do now or grow muscle from a workout I saw from videos I bought from the television? If you are a shallow piece of shit, you probably said option 2. But if you were any self-respecting human, you will take me for what I am. P90X is fucking stupid as are all workout videos.

If you do a lot of sitting around watching television, chances are you've seen infomercials for a product called P90X. What it is is a workout that you do daily and jot down your results in a nifty notebook. After how many ever days, you're supposed to see improvement or your money back, yada yada yada. I don't give a flying fuck if it makes you look like the David Statue.

Or even Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1978 (see above). You still have to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm getting ripped using a workout video. Do I have any self-respect?" No. No you do not.

If you are courting a girl and really feel like she might be something special, your best bet is to NOT tell her that you just got done doing a P90X workout. The reason being she will laugh at you and consider you a total dweeb. Plus workout videos are the personification of miserable. But let's say she doesn't know you are using said product. Is that okay? Abso-fuckin-lutely. Why do you need to go into specifics as to what kind of workout you are doing? You don't. As far as she is concerned, just tell her you got back from the gym. In all honesty, she probably won't even be able to tell the difference. It's just the principle of telling somebody that you use a workout video.

Harsh? Of course. But somebody has to teach people how to behave appropriately in a social setting. And luckily for you, you have me. The ultimate gentleman and baron of socially acceptable behavior. You never, ever, tell the person you are courting what it is you are actually doing, if it could be embarrassing. You don't tell a date that you're trimming the hedges before you pick them up, do you? Of course not, because that would be creepy and just flat-out weird. Same goes for working out. You went to the gym. You weren't in your living room doing Pilates with your roommate, or doing crunches on the giant medicine ball thing, or even doing P90X. It's that simple.

The point is, honesty is not the best policy. It is almost always better to lie in every situation. "Honey, does this make me look fat?" No. "Is there anything stuck in my teeth?" Yes. "Have you ever used P90X?" No way, Jose. This is a valuable lesson to learn in life. Because one day you are going to be in this exact scenario and you are going to have a choice. Taking the easy way out and being honest or being a real person and lying. Choose lying. I have never used nor will I ever use P90X because I'm already assured that, "I am better than you."

P.S. This is one of my favorite videos ever...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi6oPP40hrI

***Photo courtesy of http://www.muscle-build.com/arnold-schwarzenegger.html