Naked Gym. What A Novel Idea

You have to hand it to Spain. Not only are they an exclusive member of P.I.G.S. (Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain) and depleting the European Union, they may or may not have initiated the worst idea in the history of ideas. (http://www.metro.co.uk/news/861754-gym-offers-naked-exercise-sessions) One of their gyms, Easy Gym, is offering its members the opportunity to exercise naked. Now, it isn't a nude-only club as you have the option of keeping them on or taking them off. The president of the gym said his only motivation for marketing the gym in such a way was to help generate interest and to recoup most of the money he lost due to the recession over there. He thinks people aren't going to the gym because of the recession. Wrong!

Now I can't say for sure what it's like over in Spain, but I know that in the good ole U.S. of A. people don't go to the gym not because of the lack of money, but mostly because we are all lazy pieces of shit. It isn't a coincidence that we have the highest obesity rate in the world. So maybe people aren't going to the gym because they actually don't have the extra money. But your bright idea, Merche Laseca, is to offer your members the option of exercising naked? Is that some sort of sick joke?

What kind of people go to the gym? I know of three. 1) People with low self-esteem who are trying to make themselves feel better on the outside by compensating for the worthlessness they feel on the inside. 2) People who are genuinely trying to improve their look because everything seems to go their way anyway. 3) People who are fat and disgusting and are actually trying to lose weight because they are fat and disgusting. And group number 3 probably makes up a large chunk of the gym population. So now the naked gym doesn't seem like such a good idea, does it? Right again.

(Weak piece of shit)

And how embarrassing would it be if you go to the gym at a real location, say Los Angeles, and there's a hot chick with huge implants and a small frame. You get to the butterfly machine, but she's already taken the spot. Next thing you know, you're in the corner of the gym hiding your erection because you can't stop looking at the girl compressing her big fake boobs together. Now what? Is a gym the ideal place to be wandering around with a boner? Do you know how many guys are at the gym, especially the roided out douchebags? This has tragedy written all over it. I could never go to the gym naked, just because that would happen the one time I go.

(I know the black one is Gemini)

The owner also made it a point to make up some story about how the ancient Greeks used to perform in the nude during the Olympics. Didn't they use to feed you to the lions if you came in 4th place? Yeah, just what I'd like. To be running from a lion in the buff so he could rip apart my man area and eat it like the sick son of a bitch that he/she is. The athletes definitely did not participate naked in the Olympics. I don't care what fake drawings and illustrations have been made. I don't believe it. Not for one second. I would assuredly make fun of my opponent for that angel hair pasta that he called a penis. Gold medal for me.

(I told you they weren't nude)

The whole reasoning behind the naked Olympics was so that women couldn't participate. And they wonder why I yell at them to continue cooking and cleaning? It's always been that way. During fake Jesus' time, to the Olympics, and now to the present day. Women have always had a role and it was to serve man. These aren't my beliefs, just what I witness on a day-to-day basis. Don't shoot the messenger. But this article did at least one thing for me. It made me realize how much smarter and better America is than everywhere else. Because people in Spain think of nude gyms. Sorry Spain, I hate to break it to you, but "I am better than you."

Regrets. A Fun Word, But Not A Fun Thought

I bought a Limp Bizkit CD, Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water, when I was in 7th grade. I listened to it probably around 70 times. I knew all the lyrics by heart. That was one of the worst regrets I have in my entire life. Are you shocked? Something as meaningless as a CD in 7th grade as one of my biggest regrets? Well don't be because if you knew me at all, you would understand that I don't regret anything. That's not necessarily true, but there are very few things in my life that I regret. A Limp Bizkit CD is most assuredly one of them. Now let's take a look back at some of the dumber things I can be noted for.

(Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin', uh)

I previously mentioned my making out with baby seals in my 'Beer Goggles' piece. However, I don't mark that or any other ill-conceived make-outs in college because they made for funny stories. All my friends know them and mock me for them on a somewhat consistent basis. Also because I keep bringing them up. I can say I have 3 real regrets in my entire life. Things that I would change if I could go back in time right now and fix them. Just 3. And now I will put them in the order of smallest-to-biggest regrets. Brace yourselves.

3. I was somewhat popular in high school. I was voted class clown and people knew me as the funny kid who never got ass. That was 5 years ago. But there was one particular moment of my lack of ass-getting that I never seemed to let slip away. I can recall distinctly that it was my sophomore year of high school. I had just finished track practice and was on my way back to the boys locker room via the gym. A girl approached me. But she wasn't just any girl. She was a smart, pretty girl. One of the prettiest girls in my grade. I should mention that at this point in time I had yet to makeout with a girl. (Or guy for you jokesters out there) She told me that she was willing to "help me out" with my problem. That was it. Nice and simple. But guess what? You know where this is going. I didn't take the offer. I still don't have a reason.

2. I brought this up earlier also in another blog post. My sophomore year of college was a swell time. No RA's. Beer whenever we could get someone to buy it for us with a fake I.D. The works. Life was pretty sweet. But it didn't start out so sweet. I was helping to move-in a former neighbor from freshman year. I was talking to her mom. She told me to take care of her and make sure nothing happens to her. I told her mom that, "No. I don't care about her. I'm just going to let her walk home alone and get raped." Her mom didn't like me much after that and heck, who could blame her. Rape is no joking matter. I guess the hint of sarcasm in my voice wasn't enough to soften the blow of telling her I didn't care if her daughter got raped. Yep, that's me.

1. I was in Kmart with my mom. She told me I could pick out one toy that I wanted. Any toy. At this point in time I was a huge geek for Inspector Gadget. It's a brilliant cartoon with some zany moments. He always fucked up. Hilarity ensued. They just so happened to have some Inspector Gadget toys. A field day for me! But which one do I pick? If you know the cartoon you should be aware that Dr. Claw never showed his face. Not once. Not ever. He was available at Kmart. It even said on the package, "See Dr. Claw's face revealed!" But not that day. I didn't choose Dr. Claw. Guess who I chose? Guess? (drum roll)............................Penny and the stupid fucking dog. It was so memorable that I can't even remember the fucking dog's name. And I literally remember everything. Everything. I chose wrong.

(The package that haunts my dreams)

There you have it. My personal regrets. I choose to not have any regrets in life because it's way too short to dwell on the shit you've done. Fuck it. It felt right at the time, didn't it? You regret it because of the outcome that came out later. But if you didn't choose "wrongly" than you would never know. It felt right at the time. Live by that and you won't give a shit about any of the rest of the dumb things you do from now until forever. Sponsored by me because, "I am better than you."

Workout Videos Are Good For Muscles, Not For Getting Girls Excited

Most of the male population in the United States finds it necessary to have a work-out regimen. I however, am not one of those men. Simply put, I don't really care if you find my 12'' biceps unattractive or feminine. I am comfortable within my body. Realistically, would you rather I look like I do now or grow muscle from a workout I saw from videos I bought from the television? If you are a shallow piece of shit, you probably said option 2. But if you were any self-respecting human, you will take me for what I am. P90X is fucking stupid as are all workout videos.

If you do a lot of sitting around watching television, chances are you've seen infomercials for a product called P90X. What it is is a workout that you do daily and jot down your results in a nifty notebook. After how many ever days, you're supposed to see improvement or your money back, yada yada yada. I don't give a flying fuck if it makes you look like the David Statue.

Or even Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1978 (see above). You still have to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm getting ripped using a workout video. Do I have any self-respect?" No. No you do not.

If you are courting a girl and really feel like she might be something special, your best bet is to NOT tell her that you just got done doing a P90X workout. The reason being she will laugh at you and consider you a total dweeb. Plus workout videos are the personification of miserable. But let's say she doesn't know you are using said product. Is that okay? Abso-fuckin-lutely. Why do you need to go into specifics as to what kind of workout you are doing? You don't. As far as she is concerned, just tell her you got back from the gym. In all honesty, she probably won't even be able to tell the difference. It's just the principle of telling somebody that you use a workout video.

Harsh? Of course. But somebody has to teach people how to behave appropriately in a social setting. And luckily for you, you have me. The ultimate gentleman and baron of socially acceptable behavior. You never, ever, tell the person you are courting what it is you are actually doing, if it could be embarrassing. You don't tell a date that you're trimming the hedges before you pick them up, do you? Of course not, because that would be creepy and just flat-out weird. Same goes for working out. You went to the gym. You weren't in your living room doing Pilates with your roommate, or doing crunches on the giant medicine ball thing, or even doing P90X. It's that simple.

The point is, honesty is not the best policy. It is almost always better to lie in every situation. "Honey, does this make me look fat?" No. "Is there anything stuck in my teeth?" Yes. "Have you ever used P90X?" No way, Jose. This is a valuable lesson to learn in life. Because one day you are going to be in this exact scenario and you are going to have a choice. Taking the easy way out and being honest or being a real person and lying. Choose lying. I have never used nor will I ever use P90X because I'm already assured that, "I am better than you."

P.S. This is one of my favorite videos ever...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi6oPP40hrI

***Photo courtesy of http://www.muscle-build.com/arnold-schwarzenegger.html