A Lot Of People In This Country Speak Like Dipshits

I can't say too much here regarding the way people pronounce things. I'm from New Jersey and damn proud of it. But on more than one occasion, since I went to school in Virginia, I've been critiqued for the way I say things. My accent is strong. I say things like coffee (cawfee) or dog
(dawg). I've even been made fun of for saying things like radiator (rad-e-a-tor instead of ray-de-ator). But what do they know? I've heard them say some stupid ass shit too. Between having friends from that shithole of a state, Pennsylvania, to Maryland, to Virginia, and as far west as Kansas. They all say stupid shit and now I'm going to write about how stupid they really are.

Crayola makes what? Crayons (cray-ons or crans)? This is probably going to be my shittiest example, but I actually have a hatred of people who say crans. What the fuck is a cran? Where did you put the Y? You know, that letter that we rarely use because it's such a lame fucking letter? I don't understand it. Same goes for roof (roo-f or ruff)? Well that depends. Are we talking about sounds that dogs make or the tiling on my house that prevents rain from getting in? If we're talking about the latter, than it is most assuredly a roo-f. Same shit with aunt (ant or awnt) Don't be some prissy, upper class, pompous piece of shit. The U is there for decoration. At no point in time should we give it the satisfaction of being pronounced. Don't you know anything?

What about the main ingredient of guacamole? Avocados, right? Not unless you are a dumbass and you call it an alligator pear. I'm not sure where this dialect comes from, but something tells me either Pennsylvania or the South. Both groups of people seem to be dumber than rocks, so it makes perfect sense. Don't they know that alligators don't eat pears? I think their favorite meal is humans, but that's according to Lake Placid, which is a completely credible movie. I'd be lying if I told you avocado sounded better, but that's just the way the world works sometimes. I'm much more accepting of an avocado than I would be of an alligator pear. I hope that I never have to hear of it ever again after today.

You just went to the store. The total is $69.00 (giggles). You pay the cashier. Then they hand you your...receipt or ticket? Since they aren't police officers, they hand you your receipt. I'll never forget the day this happened to me. I was in Buffalo Wild Wings (that glorious establishment) and I was with two knuckleheads from Kansas. We were watching them get trounced by Texas Tech in basketball or something. The waiter asked us if we wanted the check. We all agreed. One of those goobers picked it up and the other asked "How much does the ticket say?" I spit out my beer and fell to the ground while convulsing. What the fuck does the ticket say? Are we under arrest? Were we doing 55 in a 40? It's a fucking receipt. Go to any ATM or fill up your gas tank. It always asks if you want your receipt, not a ticket. Learn to speak English idiots.

(Your welcome for the free publicity, Bank of America)

And my favorite reason to hate people from Pennsylvania, specifically the Philadelphia region...sandwich/hoagie/sub/or hero? Now, I consider a sandwich to be two pieces of bread with some sort of meat and a condiment. That immediately detracts itself from the other 3. A hoagie is traditionally sold at delis and is the shape of a penis. However, only pieces of shit call it a hoagie. What does that mean? Hoagie? So now you assholes are just making up words? The only proper name for that type of sandwich is a sub. The reasoning is because it looks like a submarine, you know the underwater vessel that people in the Navy float around in. This shows your patriotism to the armed forces and the fact that you have a brain in your head. Anybody who calls it a hero deserves to be shot in the face. "Can I have a meatball hero?" If I was the cashier, I'd serve them up a Batman action figure. When they ask where there hero is I'll point to Batman. When was the last time those pieces of bread saved anyone? The answer is never, so therefore we shall not call it a hero. A submarine and that's final.

I just saved you from looking like an asshole in front of everyone. I taught you to say things properly like, CRAYON, ROOF, AUNT, AVOCADO, RECEIPT, and SUBMARINE. I didn't want to delve into the whole soda/pop fiasco. I feel like that one is more than self-explanatory. Just because there are bubbles doesn't give you the right to call it pop. Seltzer has bubbles, but you still call that seltzer, don't you? I'm so good at speaking English I think I should be awarded some sort of medal. Something that clarifies my position that says "I am better than you."