I Make Up Names And My Profession When I Meet People

I'm sure you've heard about "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." I mean, it's pretty much the slogan in all of their tourism commercials. Sometimes they might even attempt to be funny, which they usually aren't. But I can't give Vegas all the credit in my decision to make up a name and profession for when I go out. Heck, I can't give them any credit because it's me that made up all the material. Plus, it's a lot more fun to be somebody that you're not. Just ask any sorority girl. They're all phonies. So what's to stop me from making up everything when I go out?Absolutely nothing.

(Typical slutty sorority behavior)

It's a pretty risky game, making up shit about yourself. My usual go-to is a combination of the name "Werner Bigsby" and my profession ranging from "financial advisor", "member of the U.S. Dive team", heck, I've even used "child of real estate moguls." You'd be foolish to criticize me for the last one because you'll say, "That's not a profession. What are you stupid or something." Being the offspring of rich parents is most definitely a profession. In fact, it's really hard work. You have to look presentable at all times, make sure your high-end European car is washed, go to fancy dinners. More of a job than I've ever had.

But usually when you make up a pretty sweet alias, it comes with some high risks. What if the girl you are talking to ends up being someone that you're interested in? What if she's more than just cute, but she's smart and has a good career? Now what's the solution? Do you fold at the end of the night and come clean about all your lies? Has she now lost all trust in you? Will she find it funny? These are questions that I don't have answers to because I'm not a fucking genius. Don't put all your eggs in one basket with me, people.

I also think it goes a lot better when you do it with multiple people. For instance, my sister and I pretend that we are going to do it at the bar, but we never do. Not because we chicken out or because there isn't a surplus of targets, more so because we are too busy standing at the bar downing beer after beer. By that time, neither of us gives a shit about introducing ourselves to anyone and end up getting pizza at the shop around the corner. I guess I can't say that I'm surprised to be single, but I also tell myself it's because at this point in time in my life I want to be. Right?

To get back on track, I once went to a college party and managed to pull off being an Australian diver for the entire night. I did it with one of my roommates at the time. Anytime we got questioned about our validity, we would cry out "I miss Steve". You know, Steve Irwin, the jungle guy who got speared by a sting ray? That would buy us enough time to change the subject and get back to talking about marmite. And for that whole evening, we played it off. Everyone seemed to believe we were Australian or at least pretended to, just so my ego wouldn't take a bigger blow. But I generally have the feeling that most people are gullible/retarded.

(Careful Steve!)

Haven't you ever seen Catch Me If You Can? Leonardo DiCaprio plays a con man who cashes fake checks and travels around the world and has sex with beautiful women and he's smart. That's pretty much how it goes every time I use my alias. It's all about having the confidence to back up what you're saying and to make the lies totally unbelievable. If the girl, or in my case the guy, has had enough to drink, they'll eat it up like a piece of candy. The only problem is, how do I wake up in the morning feeling morally sound after all the lies I told the previous night? Not a problem for me because I don't have morals. And that makes me say "I am better than you."