If You Could Be Any Animal, What Would You Be?

On several occasions throughout my very successful life, I have been asked that very question. And whenever I was asked the question, I kind of just blew it off and gave a quick response because it was something that I didn't really care to think about. Until today. I started working for my summer camp again today and I was an active participant. I played a game with the kids called "Cheetahs and Gazelles." They told me I could be the cheetah. My heart melted. But all that talk about being a cheetah or a wimpy ass pussy gazelle made me think of what animal I really wanted to be. Instead of working today, I thought about which five animals I would want to be.

Moooooooooooo. Think of the grandiose lifestyle a cow has. You get to graze the pastures, eat whatever the fuck cows eat, and then you get slaughtered so that humans get to consume almost all the parts of your body. I will never forget the story I heard about my former roommate driving past a herd of cattle and explaining in detail about how he would choose to be a cow. I don't really want to be a cow, but I felt compelled to make fun of him for one paragraph. In fact, I think a cow would be the last animal I would choose to become. Their lifespan is short as shit, they get chopped into one hundred bazillion pieces, they don't make nice furniture, and they have their nipples squeezed for hours on end. Nothing about being a cow is luxurious. Nothing.

Ruff ruff! Maybe I'm plain Jane, but I really like dogs. Dogs are the fucking best. I've never had a dog, but I've played with so many in my day. There's a reason they are called man's best friend: they are loyal, they are good listeners, they love keeping you company, and they will perform oral sex on you for the small price of a swab of peanut butter. It doesn't seem to get any better than that. Dogs get to run around fields and pick up dead birds, shit on the sidewalk, and piss on fire hydrants. Everything about a dog's life is incredible. They always have sex doggy-style and hump the shit out of anything that moves. The only setback? The pussy stroke they do in the water, known as "the doggy paddle."

Splash splash splash (that's the sound a shark makes). Who doesn't want to be a shark? You get to swim in the ocean while also breathing. You can eat anything you want because you are so incredibly bad ass. There have been really high quality films made after you (see Jaws). And R.L. Stine dedicated an entire book to you. The name of the book was Deep Trouble and I believe it was #19 in the series. Unfortunately I had a friend in high school that wanted to get a tattoo of a Great White Shark on his entire thigh. That really puts a bad name on the shark when asshole douchebags decide to get something like that done. Otherwise sharks are a completely solid choice for being an animal.

Slurp slurp (giraffe tongue). I know I fooled you by making it appear that I chose to be the wildest of all animals, a slutty girl, but I didn't. Instead I chose the giraffe. Have you ever been to the zoo and looked at the giraffes? They would either make: A) The best basketball players B) The best oral sexers or C) The dumbest looking animal. They look almost like those Indian women who put those neck bracelets around their necks to stretch them out, but they are animals, not humans. My mom is a big fan of the giraffe and so am I. The color scheme is superb and they live on the greatest continent on Earth, Africa. If I ever decide to get a tattoo, I'm going to get a giraffe starting from my hip working its way up to my armpit, where it will serve as a tree and the giraffe will be picking fruit from it. Creative? I know.

Caw caw. Birds are pretty magnificent creatures. Sometimes they have beautiful colors and other times they look like pigeons. But they have the one ability I always wish I had minus invisibility. The ability to fly. According to the film Role Models, birds are the last form of dinosaurs around. Since I don't believe in dinosaurs because I am an intelligent human, that is my only turn-off. Otherwise, they get to go to the south in the winter to stave off the cold. They go wherever the fuck they want in the spring and start fucking and chirping and taking care of the chicklets. And then in summer, they hang out on the phone lines and keep me up all night. So if I can have the ability to sit outside of the windows of people I despise, like all of you, I would do it. Just because I can.

I didn't pick any fancy animals because I'm not a dickhead. I don't really give a shit about any animals as I would eat any of them because I'm smarter, better looking, and more dependable. But if I could be any animal, I would choose the dog. And I would name myself "Mr. Puppy Pants." Why? Because "I am better than you."