Auto-Correct Is Always Fucking Up

Let me start off by saying I don't own a smartphone. I'm too poor and too unemployed to be able to afford one of those things. But I have a big sister who has one. And I also have friends that have them. And one of the biggest complaints I hear about them is auto-correct. You can be in the middle of a captivating conversation and then you type something and it corrects in the most wrong way possible. What I'd like to know if how pathetic we've become as humans that we need auto-correcting? Sure it can make texting quicker, but does it by how many mistakes it makes? No. No it does not. So I'm going to comment on 5 of the most ridiculous auto-corrects I've come across.

First of all, Steven has no game. Tell me something about you that I don't know? Smiley face emoticon? Very poor opening, Steven. Very poor. I can assure you that when you are chasing girls, you never give them an opening to talk. Talk until you drop dead because once you get them going, you'll never get them to stop. Your ears will bleed from all the pointless, worthless bullshit stories you'll have to endure. Just don't ask them any questions and you will surely have a healthy, meaningful relationship. And why are you even interested in a girl that listens to Metallica? When was she born, 1974? Time to find someone who listens to contemporary music and prefers not slashing their wrists on the weekends.

Something tells me that Thomas didn't make any mistakes because he said "ass" twice. Now I'm not a genius when it comes to auto-correct but I think the general idea is that it corrects word that are of similar length and spelling and use. When he wrote "Can we cram them in my ass?" I think he really meant to say "Can we cram them in my ass?" Thomas clearly has a lot of experience with craming things in his ass, at least that's what I gather. Hatchback and ass aren't even remotely close to being similar in terms of spelling, definition, or length. "Will they fit in my ass". Based on your track record it seems as if you won't have any problems fitting anything in there. I must say auto-correct is good for one thing: it eases the burden for bashful guys to come out of the closet swinging. Well done, Thomas.

Poor Jason. All he wanted to do when he got home was jump on Jenna. I interpreted that in a sexual way. Like I'm going to jump on you and we're going to have sex! But Jenna was okay with the news and said yeah let's go on a break so I can fuck other guys. This is where auto-correct gets tricky. Jenna already spilt the beans. There is no retracting from her previous statement of wanting to take a break. Nothing worse in a relationship when one person wants to end it while the other is perfectly content. And what kind of disgraceful response is that? Well this is awkward. No shit Sherlock. How about you apologize and say listen, I meant what I said because (fill in the blank). Don't just say this is awkward. Everybody involved knows that it's awkward. I hope I never meet Jenna in real life because I'll have mean things to say to her!

I've had the obvious fortune of being raised by a single parent. I was too young to see my parents happily married being inappropriate. I actually don't know how I'd respond if I saw my parents in the act of love-making. Or even worse, reading about it. If I were to ever receive a text from my mom asking about rubbers and lube for her and my dad's alone time, I'd shit myself. And then vomit on myself. But I'd also have to consider that they would have a better idea as to where that stuff in their bedroom is than I would. So it was by accident right? Not necessarily. I know of friends whose parents talk openly about their sexcapades. I'll take single parents for $200, Alex.

I would bet everything that I will make during my lifetime that these two whores are college students and both are in a sorority. Probably the same sorority. And the fact that she has cum in her spellcheck dictionary means she's frequently sending updates to her friends about the guys she's blowing/fucking. And only a true friend wouldn't be surprised in the initial text. She even said is it bad that I wouldn't have been surprised. There's nothing wrong with showing a lack of surprise when your friend tells you she almost swallowed a huge wad of cum, but don't be offended when I call you out for being a giant slut. That's what I learned in 4 years of college. All girls are sluts.

I provided 5 examples as to why auto-correct is a feature that should be left out of phones that are currently in the process of being made. People will be better off if they learn how to write properly anyway. Instead of having to backtrack and send out multiple texts explaining the situation. Smartphones, more like stupidphones (See what I did there?) Until I join the club and get a smartphone "I am better than you."