The Top 10 Worst Baby Names In The History Of The World (Part 1)

I have to hand it to Mariah Carey. All this time I thought she was just an old, fat piece of shit with seemingly nothing to live for. She married a loser former cast member of "All That" in Nick Cannon, and her music career was virtually nonexistant. I think her last year of good music came in 1994 when she released "Daydream", a modern marvel of wonderful music. But it turns out that just a couple of days ago, she had twins! A boy and girl. Guess what their names were. Moroccan Scott Cannon (boy) and Monroe Cannon (girl). The reasoning? Well it makes a whole lot of sense. Moroccan because that's the decor of their luxurious New York City apartment. Monroe because Mariah was inspired by Marilyn Monroe her whole life. I'm so happy for the Cannons that I decided to dedicate this blog post to them because of the shitty names they gave their children. So here we go, the top 10 worst baby names in the history of the world.

(Are you sure that's twins? Looks like Octomom II)

10. Coco Riley (Courteney Cox + David Arquette)

We'll start it off real slow. Coco isn't the worst name I've ever heard for a child. Heck, when I was just a kid I had a stuffed teddy bear named Cocoa and he was like a brother to me. But then again, that was a stuffed teddy bear and this is a human being. At least she has the distinction of being able to say my mom was on one of the funniest sitcoms of all-time and my dad is pretty much a loser. Let's be realistic though, what family doesn't have that exact same scenario, a loser father? Here's to hoping that little Coco turns out to be just as good looking as her mom was in her prime.

9. Apple (Chris Martin + Gwyneth Paltrow)

Is it wrong for me to say that's an ugly fucking child? Not only is her name stupid, but she looks like some sort of genetic freak. Like her eyes are 30 feet apart from each other. Disgusting. Anyway, her dad is the lead singer of the gayest band in the entire universe, Coldplay, and her mom is the most overrated actress in the United States. She's never done a good movie, minus "Shallow Hal" (it teaches a valuable lesson: beauty is not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. Some real horseshit.) What sort of concoction did they make? I wouldn't be surprised if in 25 years I turned on CNN to see Apple Martin terrorizing the streets of London. She might be the second coming of Godzilla.

8. Harlow Winter Kate, Sparrow (Nicole Richie + Joel Madden)

Alright, minus the stupid fucking hairdo on what appears to be a boy, we are making progress. What is a Harlow anyway? They might as well have named her Harlot because in about 15 years, she's going to be running up and down the streets of Hollywood blowing anybody she can for a line of coke. And then Sparrow is going to swoop in (see what I did there?) and rescue her. This is all wishful thinking, but when you come from parents who have had drug problems (Richie) and stupid fucking tattoos (Madden) these are the consequences. How did she end up with that reject from Good Charlotte anyway? It certainly wasn't because she liked his music. "Lifestyles of the rich and the famousssssssss."

7. Story Elias (Jenna + Bodhi Elfman)

I used to find Jenna Elfman attractive. She had this quirky-something about her that I found cute. Plus, Dharma and Greg was a genuine success for the few short years it was on. Now Greg is rocking shit on Criminal Minds. However, Jenna thought it would be a good idea to convert to Scientology while naming her child Story Elias. Story? Let me tell you a story, Jenna. Once upon a time, there was a pretty attractive young actress who was on a funny sitcom. Then she married a bozo named Bodhi and converted to scientology. Next came marriage and the impending pregnancy. The result was a baby boy named Story. The End.

6. Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson + Pete Wentz)

Now we're making some real progress. Bronx Mowgli. Somebody obviously likes the shittiest borough in New York City and the worst Disney cartoon ever created (The Jungle Book). What the fuck are you two idiots thinking? Bronx? Manhattan, Harlem, Queens, or Brooklyn would all have been better choices for a child's name. At least they would be associated with success. Minus the Queens because that's where the Mets play. But come on. And Mowgli? Why not Pinocchio you shitty excuses for humans. The only reason Ashlee is famous is because her cow of a sister could sing and used to be sexy as hell. Pete Wentz is famous because people part of this new generation must all be deaf. Fall Out Boy could be considered the worst band ever. Ever. "Thanks For The Memories" or not.

Come back tomorrow for Part 2. "I am better than you."

For This Time Only, A Threesome Becomes A Travesty

I would like to have a threesome. Give me a couple shots or 12 and two people willing to get dirty in the sheets and let's see where it takes us. It's one of life's greatest mysteries, for those of us who have never had the opportunity to partake in such events. At times I've heard that threesomes are only good when the 3 people involved don't give a shit about each other. When you're dating a girl for 4 years and she brings her friend into the equation, things can only get shitty. Jealousy ensues and somebody ends up getting hurt. Or maybe you're a swinger and it gets you off while some douchebag starts nailing the shit out of your girlfriend. Who am I to say? But this is where the line needs to be drawn.

http://www.truecrimereport.com/2011/04/daniel_gay_shepard_married_tea.php

Did you read it? I didn't think so. To sum it up, two married teachers in Cali invited one of the dude's students home, invited him to hot tub naked, and then the two of them went to town on the kid's asshole and penis for several months. He seemed to be into it, so whatever. But you have to click on it just to see their picture. They are easily the two creepiest, disgusting, and vile creatures my two big brown eyes have ever laid on. 61 and 59? Try 85 and I can't even guess the wife's age. Why would a 17-year-old male even consider this? I was desperate to lose my virginity in high school, but Jesus Christ show a little bit of self-esteem.

(Even they would have been an improvement)

The really sad part is that it happened with a teacher. Not that it happened with a teacher, but with these two teachers. Every guy, and maybe girl, thinks about their teacher in some sort of inappropriate way. And very seldom do students get the opportunity to bang out their teacher. In this kid's case, I doubt he fantasized much about banging the guy or girl. Yet, it happened anyway. He probably thought his friend would think he was cool for finally boning a teacher, when in fact he will be ridiculed for the rest of his existence for banging the latest additions to Shady Oaks Retirement Villa.

I really like the double standard we set as a society as well. When a male teacher bangs out a 15-year-old girl, he's looked at as if he was the devil himself. But when an attractive female teacher does the same thing, we applaud the boy for sticking it to her. (See what I did there?) Where is the problem? Guys don't have the same problem when it happens to one of their own, as long as she is attractive. I don't know if I necessarily agree with that, but I'd have been pleased to add a couple of teachers to my resume, if you know what I mean.

However this boy clearly got lost in the meaning of "cougar."

(This is an example of a cougar.)

That old hagrid witch in the above link is NOT a cougar. She is ugly, boiled, and inexplicably horrendous. So just because banging out cougars was the cool thing to do in 2007, doesn't mean it's okay to do it now. And I know this actually occurred in 2009, but it's just being reported about now. Cougars are attractive, have lots of work done, fake tits, lip fillers, and a face that doesn't show emotion. Make sure you get the premise down before you go all willy-nilly on a near-decrepid couple. Shame on you, kid. Shame on you.

And like I mentioned before, threesomes can be very dangerous. What if your girlfriend gets really upset that you are spending more time with her friend, instead of her? Or if your best friend is spending too much time with your girlfriend, instead of you...That's why couples can't have threesomes. It rocks the foundation of the relationship and disallows it to be normal afterwards. Threesomes are best served if you are just trying to be a good friend with a not so virginal girl, or if you are just a slut trying to get double-teamed. If you don't care that you're a slut, I won't either. To your face. Maybe I shouldn't have a threesome, even though it won't affect me like that because "I am better than you."