If I Was Invisible I Would Just Watch You In Your Room. Relax Clay

If I had a dollar for every time I've had a conversation about what superpower I would want if I could have any, I would have enough money to fill up a tank of gas. Throughout my supreme life, whether it be at the Boys & Girls Club, grammar school, high school, college, at home, with friends, or even with strangers at bars, I've talked about superpowers. Why? Because superpowers are pretty fuckin' cool. You get to do shit that nobody else could. Imagine being able to fly anywhere you want, without the courtesy of a private jet. Or steal all the money in the Federal Reserve. That would be so cool. So today, I've taken the liberty of jotting down some superpowers that would be neat to have and rank them in my order of preference.

5.) Super strength - I don't necessarily see this as a superpower. I went to high school with some pretty buff kids who could kick the shit out of me without even really trying. And that goes for a lot of other guys and girls that I know. There's only so much you can actually do with being really strong, so I think I'll have to pass up on this one. All that super strength can get you is a job at the circus throwing cars or bending metal or some stupid shit like that. Next.

4.) Underwater breathing - This should be higher, but I really like what's ahead. It has always been my dream to see what the bottom of the ocean looks like. Unfortunately, that is never going to happen ever. Even if I could breathe underwater, I'd only be able to go so far. Then my body would explode from all the intense pressures. Plus, I wouldn't be able to make it very far without some sort of octopus or shark eating me. Next.

3.) Mind-reading - Bam! How fuckin' cool would this be? You would technically be the smartest person in the world. You would know the answer to every question that somebody asks you, unless of course they don't know the answer. That would suck. But still, telling people what they want to hear is easily the gift that keeps on giving. You would be insatiable to women and know what your doing sexually all the time. That's what I learned from "What Women Want". Great film. Next.

2.) Flying - This was hard for me to rank second. Everything about being able to fly would be badass. You could go anywhere in the world any time you want. Mt. Everest? Be there in 3 minutes. Vietnamese jungles? There in a jiffy. Plus, you can fly up to the clouds and see if angels actually play harps on them. I'm still pretty convinced they do. And you never have to worry about perverts at the airport touching your penis and asshole ever again. That reason alone is fabulous. But not enough. Next.

1.) Invisibility - You know you want to be invisible when Clay Aiken sings a song about it and how he wants to watch you in your room. No one at the time seemed to care that those were the creepiest lyrics ever written. Ever. Now he's on Broadway in Rent! or some shit, irrelevant to society. However, being invisible would be really cool. You could go into famous celebrities houses and look at them naked, steal money from banks, or do anything that you ever really wanted to do. I was inspired after seeing Hollow Man. How Kevin Bacon didn't win a Best Actor Oscar for that performance still blows my mind. Without a doubt, the greatest love story ever told. Being invisible would be incredible. It would definitely be much cooler than beating people up, or swimming, or flying. Winner!

So as you can see, I put a lot of thought into this. I spent countless hours and too many breaths arguing with people on why my list was better than theirs. I would love to hear what kinds of superpowers you would like. Write some comments. Send me some texts. Message me on Facebook. Tweet at me. Call me on the phone. Pick me up from my house. Send me a letter in the mail. Send me a letter in the electronic mail. Write on my wall. Chat me on Facebook. Just so I know that, "I am better than you."