The Artist Formerly Known As Lindsay Lohan And Other Famous One-Named Celebrities

And so, over the weekend, actually I believe it was Friday, Lindsay Lohan decided to drop her surname. She will officially be referred to as "Lindsay". The reasoning her publicity team gave was that there was so much negativity surrounding the name Lohan. Some people think back to her father, Michael, who appears to be the grandest of pieces of shit walking the planet. You might also think about her mother Dina, who clearly is a money-hungry whore who could give two shits less about her daughter. But never in their press release did they make any mention of Lindsay getting 12 DUI's or 6 arrests pertaining to the possession of cocaine. Clearly, she still is not at peace with herself and must blame her family for her dumb ass behavior. Fuck you Lindsay.

But what this did for me, more importantly, was to compile a list of all the best one-named celebrities to ever dominate Hollywood. So now I give you the pleasure of providing the best of the best one-named wonders.

Bono - If this isn't the best picture to describe a total douchebag, then I don't know what is. Yeah, maybe deaf people enjoy his music as a member of U2, but anyone with a knack for quality music knows this asshole hasn't made anything good since The Joshua Tree. Great humanitarian you are, Boner, I mean Bono.

Prince - What would this list be without the most putrid musician of all-time? I've had numerous arguments with friends and strangers over the course of my life, discrediting his heterosexuality. Now I have nothing against those who are homosexual, but please don't undermine my intelligence by telling me he has sex with women. I know it's not true. And his Super Bowl halftime show a couple of years ago made me want to puncture my eardrums.

Cher - DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVEEEEEEEEE?

Sting - Humma Humma Humma. Easily the best musician of those I have named thus far. The Police is a super talented band and have produced some of the best songs ever. "Roxanne", "Don't Stand So Close To Me", "Every Breath You Take", and many more. And not only does he bang models and other hot people, he was mentioned on an episode of Friends, t.v.'s second greatest sitcom ever produced. And last but not least, he has the distinction of getting confused with a professional wrestler. Sting used to be the best with his colorful facepaint and the Scorpion Death Lock, an obvious play on Bret Hart's more credible Sharpshooter, but I digress. Sting is the Don.

Beyonce - I'm not racist or blind.

Yanni - The ultimate insult when you were in 6th grade was to call someone Yanni. It might also hold that distinction today.

Seal - Seal did something for me that no other person can come close to. He boosted my self-esteem and confidence off the charts. I don't give a shit if he writes personalized poems to Heidi Klum every morning when they wake up, this is one ugly motherfucker. If he can marry and re-populate the Earth with his seed with one of the best looking supermodels of all-time, I am capable of anything. I have to admit however that "Kissed By A Rose" is a great song to lose your virginity to. Fact.

There you have it. My list of all the best one-named celebs in the history of the world. In the next 20 years when someone is compiling the next list of best one-named celebs in the world, I have a strong gut feeling that Lindsay Lohan, excuse me Lindsay, will not be included on the list. And as a matter of fact that list won't be nearly as good as mine is, because you already know "I am better than you."