Beer Goggles Are Real. I Tried Them On In D.A.R.E.

When I was in 5th grade, Officer Heath came into my classroom and taught my class about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. He was the local police officer and went around the schools promoting D.A.R.E. which is an acronym for Drug Awareness Recommend Ecstacy or something along those lines. So me and the rest of my 14 classmates sat and listened while the cop talked about alcohol and drugs and what to do in certain situations. He even brought a pair of beer goggles for us to try on. The exercise allowed us to see what it would be like to be drunk. Our mission was to walk in a straight line in the front of the class. We all failed because it's impossible to win. It's like those games at carnivals. Set-up to have you lose. Regardless, beer goggles in real life actually exist.

I wasn't much of a drinker in high school because I was a huge loser. No one ever wanted to hang out with me, nevermind get shit-faced. That left me with waiting four years until I got to college to try out my real beer goggles. I excelled in high school and found myself getting accepted into an above-average college. August 2006 was the first time I let my true colors show. I went to a party with some of my newly-made friends and embarrassed the shit out of myself. I tried picking a fight with a firefighter, I spilled some beer on some hoe, and I threw up on the side of the apartment. Not bad, right?

Some of that isn't true. Only the part where I tried to fight the firefighter and throwing up. But it was at this time that I first came in contact with beer goggles. My memory immediately shot me back to 5th grade. However, these goggles were about 1000% not as strong. I had been living a lie. All that mumbo-jumbo they teach you just to get you to lay off the booze was a scam. If you can't walk when you're drunk, than you're just an asshole. And yeah yeah, I've gotten to a point where you stumble and fall, but give me a break. That happens once a year, on your birthday or some shit. But, beer goggles do exist. Let me explain.

I was at a house party in September of '06 with a kid named Tony Hawk. (No not the skateboarder) We had met up with some friends of his that he had met not so long ago. We were in the kitchen of the party and I saw myself fancying (I don't think that's a word) a remotely attractive female. I worked up some beer muscles to start flirting with her. Things seemed to be going pretty well until she started making out with her friend. Who was a girl. I was stunned. I thought things like that only happened in American Pie movies. But right there, in the flesh, two girls aggressively making out. I proceeded to ask the girl I was courting if I could get a piece of the action, like a creep. She obliged. But little did I know that she had pulled a swap. Her disgusting friend, who has been compared to as a baby seal, was licking my tongue. I vomited again.

That next day, I was ridiculed and mocked and sometimes I'm still mocked for it. She was the definition of treacherous and her whole body can only be regarded as abysmal. But I took it in stride because that's what college is for. It made for a fun story. I can assure you however, that had I been sober, such a disgraceful act never would have taken place. I was duped. So over the course of the next year and a half, I made plenty of more mistakes with girls that I don't ever want to see again. But it built character. Not many people can say they have made-out with the lowest quality looking girls of all-time. And I'm sure some girls feel the same about me. Clearly, they are idiots.

I know deep-down that beer goggles are real. There have been studies done to prove that your eyes see what they want to see or some other scientific jargon like that. And then you do stupid things and nearly regret it in the morning. But not this guy. Nope. I take what I have done and I let it shine through. For all the baby seals, and Snooki's, to the chicks that looked like dudes, I commend you for making me realize how incredible I am. Sometimes I miss the beer goggles bug, but maybe it's time to grow up. Either way, "I am better than you."