If You Don't Vaccinate Your Child, I Don't Give A Shit. And You Shouldn't Either

There's a lot being said in the media right now or there was regarding vaccinating our children against deadly diseases. Since there was an outbreak of measles in California, specifically Disneyland, there are a reported 131 confirmed cases of measles in the state. I've read both sides of the argument (vaccinating/not vaccinating) and I'll clearly share my position over the course of the post. Actually, I'll share it right now. I think parents have the right to choose whether or not to vaccinate their child. Why? Because it's their child. Not mine. Not yours. Not America's. But Great One, what about the spread of diseases and the possibility of death? We're going down a slippery slope.

I failed one class in all of my life. Just one. Philosophy, in my second semester of my freshman year. It was a MWF class at 2:30. Attendance was not required. Guess how many Friday classes I attended? I think the answer is less than zero. What does this have to do with vaccinations you may be asking yourself? I learned about the slippery slope fallacy in that class. Probably the only thing I learned from that dickhead Dr. Hutchens. What an asshole he was. But I digress. A slippery slope is simply defined as when a person asserts that some event must inevitably follow from another without any rational argument or demonstrable mechanism for the inevitability of the event in question.

America forcing our children or all people to be vaccinated is a slippery slope. Yeah I'm sure these vaccinations have prevented numerous outbreaks of deadly diseases. And I'm sure it's probably the right thing to do. But I can't ever imagine forcing someone to get a vaccination is the right way to go about things. And I'm not sure banning anti-vaxxers from attending public school is a good option either. "How stupid can you be? This could be a matter of life and death. I don't want my son/daughter to potentially be exposed to these diseases." That was me making up a quote from what I'd consider a concerned parent. If we're all forced to be vaccinated, then what will we all be forced to do next? Getting microchips implanted? Watch the entire State of the Union address? Eat vegetables for dinner? When does the madness end??

If you're a such a great parent and are worried about your child, then get them vaccinated. If little Timmy is vaccinated against measles or polio or rubella, it shouldn't matter if little Johnny isn't. If or when little Johnny dies, then the parents will have to live with that decision for the rest of their lives, all while your kid is in the clear. I've seen comparisons and comics ridiculing those who are anti-vax. Claiming that these are the same parents that would make a fuss if their child is severely allergic to peanuts and another student brings them in for lunch because they should be considerate of their child's condition. Just like they should be considerate of other children by ensuring their kid is all up to date with his vaxx. I don't see how they correlate. There is no vaccination for a peanut allergy, at least as far as I'm concerned. We should be concerned for kids regardless of the issue.

I thought we were a nation clamoring for acceptance. We're pushing diligently for equal rights for gays, but want to punish people who don't vaccinate their child. It's their fucking child! Who are you to judge them for it? This also reminds me of a story I saw recently regarding Steve Jobs. If you live under a rock, Jobs was the head honcho of Apple. Created the iPhone you use to Facetime with your S/O. The iPad you don't use because laptops are superior. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in its early stages. The doctors recommended he get surgery and do chemo as it provided him the best chance to survive. Jobs decided to go the alternative route. He used some herbs, drank some tea, ate fruit and shit. And as we all know, Jobs is dead. Heroes of the internet have the audacity to call him a moron! A moron! The man who was more successful and accomplished than any one of them will ever be. And it's because he didn't get surgery and do chemo. 

I didn't know that treating cancer with chemo was the only tried and true method. As far as I know, people still die. "But why wouldn't you try the most effective method to treat it? Why risk it for an alternative that has NEVER showed any positive results on a consistent basis?" That's another made up quote. My response? Who gives a fuck? It's his life and it was his decision. There's no guarantee he would have survived either way. But my point is, it was his decision and his alone. I'm not going to fault the guy, I'm not going to criticize him. He tried something and failed. Life goes on. I think it's a mistake to ridicule those for not following the sheep.

My whole point whether you think people are dumb or not for choosing not to vaccinate their child, that decision is entirely theirs to make. Being vaccinated might save their life or maybe it might give them autism, at least according to Jenny McCarthy. I think our acceptance of people and their decisions has changed since I was a kid. Everybody has to act a certain way. Look a certain way. Get vaccinations like everyone else. Nobody wants to be an individual anymore. Nobody wants to march to the beat of their own drum. Instead they are coerced to get vaccinations by the media for made up diseases like H1N1. Remember that bullshit for like 2 weeks? If you want to get your kid vaccinated, go for it. If you don't, don't. But don't force my hand either way. I'll just end up saying I am better than you.

Songs That Would Torture Me And Should Probably Torture You Too

So earlier this week the CIA declassified a list of songs that they used to torture Muslims or terrorists or some combination of both. Considering the fact that I'm a self-proclaimed music lover, I needed to take a look at what eardrum piercing we gathered up to induce our punishment. Some of the songs on the list include, "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem, "Dirrty" by Christina Aguilera, "I Love You" by Barney the big fucking purple dinosaur, "Bodies" by Drowning Pool and "Saturday Night Fever" by the Bee Gees. I personally find all of these songs great and would willingly listen to them on repeat for several hours in a dark room by myself. But that got me thinking of some of the songs that would cause me to sell out my battalion, captain, president, mother, and/or first-born child. So here's my list of torture-inducing songs by the greatest person to ever exist.

1) Hotel California - The Eagles

I don't know what kind of piece of shit wrote this song, but good god, this is at the top of my list. I don't know exactly when I started to hate this song, but I have a general feeling. My sister was in a sorority in college and one weekend during my senior year, I went to go visit her. Seemingly, this song was her and her roommates theme song. There was even some block lettering in the kitchen to remind everyone of the travesty of this song. Nothing bad happened to me that weekend, except for an ugly fat girl telling me she watches Jenna Jameson porn and The Real World. And that was before she hit the Smirnoff Razz bottle. Good grief women don't know how to drink alcohol. But this song would have me sell out my peers in less than 30 seconds. I can't stand this song or people who willfully listen to it.

2) Uptown Funk - Bruno Mars

This is a new one. I'm glad I waited this long to compile this list because this song wouldn't have been on it about 6 months ago. Don't believe me? Just read. Bet I gotcha there. I heard that shitty line from the song don't believe me just watch in commercials for horrific Kevin Hart movies. I heard it in commercials for the Voice. Serously, singing shows in 2015? When is that madness going to end? I hear it on the radio on every fucking station. I hear stupid ass kids singing along to it with their Beats by Dre. And I don't hate Bruno Mars. I actually think he's really talented and an excellent performer. I gotcha again, didn't I? That short ugly fuck needs to stop making shitty music with shitty hooks because it pisses me off. He also lacks charisma and most importantly, talent.

3) Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

Before you even get testy, fuck you. When I was in high school and we were getting drunk off of Parrot Bay and Malibu and this song came on at 11:30pm, it was the shit. We'd all sing away and hug each other and be sloppy messes. That's fine and cute and all, but then I got to college and people continued to play it at 1:30-2am when everybody was shitfaced and looking to hook up. Listen, I want to have sex tonight, not listen to some troll "sing" along. But I carried on because house parties have to stop at some point. Then I started going to bars and before the final call, every DJ in America has decided that this is a great song to play! I can't get away from this fucking song. It wasn't good in 1981 when it was released, It isn't good in 2015. Stop believin' that this is a good song; it's not.

4) 7/11 - Beyonce

I honestly didn't want to add newer songs to this collection, but Jesus Christ, this might be one of the worst songs of all time. Let me pull some lyrics for you. You know what? I'm going to post the lyrics to the entire song.

Shoulders sideways, smack it, smack it in the air
Legs movin' side to side, smack it in the air
Legs movin' side to side, smack you in the air
Shoulders sideways, smack it, smack it in the air
Smack it, smack it in the air
Legs movin' side to side, smack it, smack it in the air
Smack it, smack it in the air

Wave your hands side to side, put it in the air
Wave your hands side to side, put it in the air
Clap, clap, clap like you don't care
Smack that, clap, clap, clap like you don't care
(I know you care)

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap it
Foot up, my foot up
Hold up now my foot up
I'm spinnin' my foot up
Foot up yeah my foot up
I'm spinnin' my foot up
Put my foot down yeah my hands up
My hands up, my hands up
(Flexin')
Flexin' while my hands up
My hands up, my hands up
I stand up with my hands up
Then I put up, my hands up
I put up, my hands up
I put up, my hands up
Then I'm spinnin' all my hands up
(Spinnin')
Spinnin' while my hands up
(Spinnin')
Spinnin' while my hands up
(Spinnin')
Spinnin' while my hands up
Then I'm tippin' all my hands up
Spinnin', I'm spinnin', I'm spinnin' while my hands up
I'm Spinnin', I'm spinnin', I'm spinnin' while my hands up
(Drank)
Hold that cup like alcohol, hold that cup like alcohol
Hold that cup like alcohol
Don't you drop that alcohol
Never drop that alcohol, never drop that alcohol
I know you thinkin' bout alcohol
I know I'm thinkin' bout that alcohol
Man it feel like rollin' dice, man it feel like rollin' dice
Seven eleven, seven eleven, seven twice, man seven twice
Man it feel like rollin' dice, man this feel like rollin' dice
Man it feel like rollin' dice
Seven twice, seven twice
Girl I'm tryna kick it with you
Girl I'm tryna kick it with you
Man I'm tryna kick it with you
My feet up, I kick it with you
Man I swear I kick it with you
Man I swear I kick it with you
Girl I wanna kick it with you
Man I know I kick it with you
Yeah I spin' around and I kick it with you

I don't know who wrote this song. nor do I care really. And I don't really want to make fun of people with mental development problems, but I think someone with an IQ of 50 can write a better song than this. There's a max of 17 different words in the entire song. It's the same fucking words over and over and over again. It might have taken 15 seconds to write this piece of shit. And I hate the girls who post all that shit online, on the social media pages, "Always be yourself unless you can be Beyonce. Then always be Beyonce." I'll admit, the only thing I wish I had of Beyonce's is her bank account. Otherwise, her and I have given birth to the same number of children, we have the same amount of talent, and we're both incredibly attractive people. Be yourself ladies, everyone else is already taken.

5) Hotel California - The Eagles

I hate this fucking song with a passion. It's my least favorite song of all time. If I didn't give a shit about people reading this blog, I would have put it 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. Instead I put it 1 and 5. I hate it. I hate it.

So there's only 4 songs that would get me to crack. Probably more, but as of March 2, 2015, these songs make me want to drop cinder blocks on my dick and face. Torture isn't a strong enough word to convey how much these songs pain me. What doesn't pain me, however, is knowing that I am better than you.

Road Rage: Like 'Roid Rage, But I Still Have A Big Dick

Now that I've been living in Virginia for about a year and a half, I feel like I have the right to make fun of the state and its dumb inhabitants. What caught my eye more than anything else in this God-forsaken state is the amount of shitty drivers it has. I typically have no control over my emotions. Some might even say I have a "bad temper". Well, when it comes to driving with these shitdicks, the inner lunatic in me comes out. Road rage is a real thing and I feel like within the next 3 years I'll start to see commercials on television for pharmaceutical branded pills to help control road rage. I mean, for Christ's sake, we have pills for Restless Leg Syndrome. The inability to stop moving your legs. Fuck me.



I first truly learned about road rage when I was a sophomore in high school. We had to watch this shitty video in driver's ed about the dangers of driving. Realistically, I don't think there could be a worse time to have people watch about the perils of driving then right before you give someone the ability to drive. For the first time. Ever. So we start watching this video and it's a re-creation of a guy getting pissed off about getting cut off. So he follows the car who cut him off and then catches him and cuts him off! Talk about exhilarating. Next thing you know, they're pulled over and the one guy goes to his trunk and pulls out a crossbow. A fucking crossbow. Boom! Right through his chest. "But you didn't have to cut me offffffffffff."



So that's when I learned about road rage. From a video in driver's ed. And a guy pulls out a crossbow and kills someone who cut him off. I don't care. I get road rage. The worst case of road rage I get, and it's on a consistent basis, is when two cars in front of you, on a two lane road, go the exact same speed, side by side, usually 5 mph below the speed limit, and do so for about 10 miles. Get the fuck out of my way you cockboys! That's the shit that makes me want to drive my car 100 mph into a divider. Am I the only one who gets those urges? Should I consider getting psychiatric help? The answer is no way Jose.



There's also a stereotype that Asians can't drive. But that's not a stereotype. Asians can't drive. Asian men, women, animals, babies, you name it. They can't drive. They all have Honda Accords and drive them like they have mounds of rice shoved up their ass. There's no truer stereotype here in America except for the blacks being lazy. Just kidding Jibril, I love ya bud. Sort of. It's bad enough that the Asia people can't drive in ideal conditions. But if you throw in some rain or snow, good golly! These assholes are driving on highways like they're avoiding a-bombs in Hiroshima. That was insensitive. I lived with an Asian in college and he let me drive his orange Acura all the time. He liked smoking illegal plants. I miss him, but he couldn't drive neither.



Which brings me to my next point. Steroids. All this going on in baseball about so and so using steroids or HGH or adderall or whatever nonsensical PEDs. Who gives a shit really. If they all use them, it's not really cheating is it? The only reason I haven't used steroids yet is because my dick can't get any smaller. I'm twerkin' with a solid 2'' now, what happens when I start poking needles in my ass. It's hard enough (no pun intended) getting other things shoved in there. You think I have the time for needles to go in there too? Yeah right. So in no way are road rage and roid rage remotely close to the same thing. I just needed a reason to talk about the length of my johnson in the title.



I hate driving slow. I hate driving behind someone. I hate when people text and drive, except for me. I hate people who wear bluetooth headsets. I hate using your blinker when changing lanes. I hate waiting at red lights. I hate when people don't yield at a yield. I mostly hate everyone and everything that has to do with driving. If everyone drove like me, the world would be a much better, faster place. You'd get from A to B in like 4 seconds. You wouldn't be a pussy when it comes to rain or snow. And overall, road rage would cease to exist. But since nothing in life happens the way I want it to, I'll still be stuck with this baby dick but nothing will make me stop saying, "I am better than you."

Yoga Is Harder Than Saying Goodbye To Friends And Former Lovers

Life is filled with lots of comings and goings. I came into the world Tuesday, April 13 1988. It was at 10:34am that the doctor cut my mom's stomach open and yanked me out to wreak havoc on the world. I've always had this idea that I'm something special. I have this innate ability to connect to people via my words. I  command a room when I call for it. Regardless of topic, people will tend to stop what they're doing and listen to me. I'll be inappropriate. I'll be emotional. I'll be humorous. Sometimes it's all rolled into one. Most times. With that being said, I've come to understand I have to keep meeting more and more people. Why? Because people need to know who I am.

Recently, I've had those closest to me, I believe they are called friends (sometimes best friends), depart. It started with one leaving for Dubai. It continued with one leaving for San Diego. And now, in the next week or so, it will continue with 3 more leaving for Nashville. So what is my next move? This person who's clamored all his life for attention, for friends, for people. What do I do to impart my gift? My guess is nothing because I've seemed to learn that people, all people, are selfish by nature. They will do whatever it is they set their sights on and maybe it's time for me to do the same. Not take it so damn personally that people have different ideas of how to live life.

This all ties in to the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Saying goodbye is never easy, and yeah I know it's not goodbye, it's see you later. But not really. And that's not the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But yoga is. What? Yoga. Whoever started that shit is some sort of maniac. I thought for the longest time that yoga was the total coming out of the closet technique. And then I saw that viral video of the paratrooper who had walking sticks and was like 400 lbs. because he couldn't walk or work out. And he lost a shit ton of weight and was running. I was like holy shit! that's incredible. I'll dominate yoga.

Wrong. So so wrong. Never in my wildest dreams did I think stretching would be hard as shit, but it is. Downward-facing dog, the warrior, runner's pose, child's pose. All of them are ridiculously tough and my body ached 10 minutes into the workout. And then you continue watching others do it because you don't want to feel bad about yourself, but the truth of the matter is I felt worse. People touching down the ground with their palms, squating on dicks, and other phenomenal feats that words can't describe adequately. The worst part about it is that I was sore the next day. From 10 minutes of stretching. It wasn't bad enough that a lot of the women in the class were laughing at my bulge, or should I say, lack thereof, but I couldn't even keep up with them in my incredibly tight compression shorts. Detrimental to my ridiculously large ego.

Yoga and saying goodbye. Two totally different concepts on the spectrum of hard things. Heck, they probably aren't even on the same spectrum they're so damn different. But in so many ways they are the same. Both leave you feeling depleted because you can't do either of them. Yet, there you stand trying to tell your friend or your instructor, "This isn't what I want. I don't want to want to give up." Just like in a game of poker, sometimes it's best to fold. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Whether that be a friend moving away or a yoga instructor telling you you're not good enough. It builds character and ultimately makes you stronger. Another stop in the game of life. Or so I hope.

Ultimately I've realized that I'm not doing anywhere near enough coming and everyone else is doing way too much going. But so is life. In my own bizarre, twisted way I've come to accept the fact that I'm happiest when I'm not happy. Because what is happiness really? Watching the sun rise in the back of a truck at 6:00am passing around a bottle of Sir Francis Drake? Splitting a pizza with someone you've come to care about a whole lot and realizing the true definition of love? Or watching The O.C. and eating a bag of popcorn with about 20 starburst and 100 skittles on the side? I don't know. Those days and those times pass much like everything else. Sometimes I feel like a modern-day Holden Caulfield. And that's what makes me know that "I am better than you."

Things That Girls Like That Are Stupid

Have you ever slept in a girl's bed? Whether she was with you or you crept in? I'm more familiar with the latter situation, but did you happen to notice something about her bed? The absurd amount of pillows that were located on it. Two pillows for actually sleeping on. Two for decoration. And maybe another two that they call 'throw' pillows. Well guess what? I'm going to throw them at your face because they are fucking stupid, like girls. Do you think your bed looks that much better because it contains six different pillows? Are you all of a sudden a Martha Stewart of bedroom decor? Probably not. So I've decided to enforce my superiority over the female race by reviewing most things that girls like that are stupid. Like their faces.

(comfortable, no?)

"Let's go out to get dinner", says some whiny, annoying girlfriend. "Where would you like to go?", says myself. "Mmmmm. Sushi!". Fuck you. Why do girls like sushi so much? They won't perform oral sex because it's gross, but they'll shove raw fish down their mouth. Well here's to hoping that you get mercury poisoning.  To go further along with that thought, they all seem to like Panera Bread too. Of course I love spending my hard-earned money on you, especially when it's for an $8 four-inch sandwich. As long as it makes you happy, right? Plus it's already pre-made, so it's not like your getting fresh food. Just girl's logic I tell you...

This one is one of my favorites. Babies. Girls love little babies. I can't tell you how many times my newsfeed has been polluted with pictures of cute, wittle babies the last year or so. "Look at my 3-year-old niece, isn't she so precious?" or "My coworker's child is so beautiful. She's the cutest thing I've ever seen!!" If that happens to be the case, why won't you let me have sex with you without a condom? If you like babies so much and think they're so cute, let's make one. So the response you get is, "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't want one of those things. It'll ruin the rest of my life." Why yes, yes it will. So you find babies to be cute and wonderful, but when it comes to being your own, they're despicable?  Good logic girls. Well done.

There's about a 99% chance that Instagram is one of the worst app inventions ever. Here we are using our cellular telephones to take pictures of things that we eat, duck faces, a close-up of your acne-covered face, and your bikini body that can stand to lose 5-10 pounds. I'm not quite sure I've ever seen a picture on Instagram that I thought a 4-year-old blind child couldn't take. They're blurry pictures with shades of grey in the background. Please make note of my reference to Shades of Grey, a book that women love despite the fact that it is degrading and immoral. A guy tying up women for his sexual escapades, getting them close to climax and stopping. Lather, rinse, repeat. Why are you subjecting yourselves to that? If I ever did that to you in real life, you'd murder me, so why read it in a book while your panties are saturated? Skanks.

Pinterest is pretty much the equivalent to Instagram. Let me "pin" my interests and then post about it all over Facebook. I promise you I could give 2 fucks less as to what you are pinning. That shit is stupid. I also love the fashion tips Pinterest provides. For some odd reason, all girls seem to think that they are fashionistas and could wear anything they want and guys will compliment them on it. Here's the thing. I read on the internet a couple of times the past few months that if girls dressed for guys, they wouldn't wear anything at all. Girls dress to impress other girls and then talk shit about them behind their backs. It's totally true and not one female acquaintance of mine can deny it. In my good conscience, the less clothing you're wearing, the closer I am to conquering you. Facts.

(thank you Pinterest!)

So to sum things up, girls love making their beds with elegant sheets and comforters and designer pillows, just to take it all off when the go to sleep. They love eating sushi because it's much more wholesome than swallowing a load. They love babies, so long as they're not theirs to keep. They love taking shitty photographs and claim they are artistic. They love showcasing their fashion-side and go outside wearing stupid fucking rainboots and bright yellow pants. In every regard, men are better than women. They like better things. They are smarter. Have bigger brains. And lastly, they eat real food. So not only are men better than women, but "I am better than you."

Wiz Khalifa Is As Talented As A Piece Of Shit

"Uh, black stripe, yellow paint

them niggas scared of it, but them ho's ain't

soon as I hit the club look at them ho's face

hit the pedal once, make the floor shake"

So this is a line from 'Black and Yellow.' A song most notably released late in the year 2010. The artist you ask? His name is Wiz Khalifa. Like the wizard of being a piece of shit musician/lyricist/human. I actually read on Wikipedia that he took the khalifa name from an Arabic word meaning "successor". I can assure you that he successfully allowed me to lose all faith in America and others that are a part of my generation. His music fucking blows. I would rather become a hermit with leprosy, a paralyzed diabetic, and a degenerate white trash with AIDS than to listen to any other piece of music that comes out of this guy's mouth. I'm only getting started.

Wiz apparently stands for "wisdom." He was given that name as a child as well because he was good at everything. Everything except for making decent music it seems. I don't know what kind of cocky, inconsiderate dickhead thinks that they are good at everything as a child. Are you even sure what wisdom means? Let me define it for you, you fuckass. Wisdom  - "knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action;sagacity, discernment, or insight." What in God's name do you think you know that is right or just at the age of fucking 10? How to wipe your ass? Why you shouldn't tell on your siblings? Because I personally didn't learn that until I was roughly 17. You are the least wise person in the history of the planet.

I would rather be a miserable, lonely, poor fucking asshole than to go around, parading the US "singing" that song and any other shitty song you've made from when you became the wise successor to now.  I don't even think this is a matter of opinion. It's just a blatant fact. I found it to be entirely too humorous that your musical inspiration as a child came from, wait for it, Jimi Hendrix, Camp Lo, The Notorious B.I.G., and Bone Thugs-n-Harmony. Now I'll admit. I have no idea who the fuck Camp Lo is, but I for sure can tell you who the other 3 are. And you got your inspiration from them? Jimi is probably seizuring in his casket and B.I.G. probably had a fucking stroke or 3. What a goddamn joke.

I could probably think of 3 things associated with the Wiz that are worse than you, but I wouldn't go around mentioning it to people. 1) The Wiz - the black remake of the 'Wizard of Oz', probably the most classical movie ever made in American cinema. But you're no worse than the remake that featured an all-black cast and that child-fucker Michael Jackson, who God bless the world that he's dead. Right idea. Terrible execution in the movie. 2) The Washington Wizards - the epitome of a terrible franchise with dumb ass fans living in the DMV area that think they are so close to being good. I don't think the Wizards/Bullets have been good since 1977. So you got those guys beat out too. 3) The Wiz - but Mike, didn't you already mention The Wiz? Why, yes. Yes, I did. But now I'm talking about the electronics store that featured Derek Jeter and a slogan that said "Nobody beats the Wiz". Except everyone did because they went bankrupt relatively quickly. So fuck the Wiz. 

(several careers lined up at Blockbuster)

And let me just celebrate him for his uncanny ability to reference marijuana in 99% of his outings. Bravo! Who the fuck are you? You sound like a typical 14-year-old high schooler that thinks they're so cool because they smoke pot. You're not fucking cool. It's not that cool to smoke pot. And I think you're a huge pussy because you reference it so much. So what? You smoke pot. Do you want some kind of medal or medallion for your efforts? People have been trying to legalize that shit for a long time now, so don't think you've come up with some incredible idea. Rolling blunts and smoking onstage. How bold of you! I mean, just to think if only something like that happened where people gathered and did drugs for long periods. You could call it something like, I dunno, Woodstock. Great ideas keep unfolding for you!

(mystifying artwork!)

Thank you America and my fellow generational members as you keep promoting this fucking loser of a musician to greater and greater heights. It's because of your non-stop attitude and devotion to becoming more and more uneducated, that people like Wiz Khalifa continue to reap the rewards of being a talentless hack, who can do no more than say black and yellow 100 times in a 3:30 span. I applaud each and every one of you who purchased or illegally downloaded Rolling Papers. You've done the right thing. As for me, I shall continue my reign of superioity. A little expression I like to use that goes something like, "I am better than you."

Veganism: The Key To Living A Happy And Healthy Lifestyle

It's been nearly 6 months since I last wrote a post and I figure now is as good a time as ever to write another one. Lots and lots of thoughts have been circulating in my brain during this timeframe, but none worth putting into writing. That is until today. They say that when you're going through a lot, it's best to write it down. It's easier to write than say out loud or some bullshit like that. Well, I want to do my part. I want to help those who might be going through some shit right now as well. I dedicate this post to something that currently is the key to helping me live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Strap on your strap-ons because shit's about to get fucked.

Veganism. If you can recall any of my rants last year, mostly all of them had to do with being a liberal to some degree. Voting for Obama under several different aliases, going to summer camp, buying Apple products, etc. Unfortunately for me, things have changed. I purchased an iPhone because I can afford it. I worked at a summer camp for the second consecutive year (who would let me around children?). I'm still not voting for Obama. But something new has been instilled in me. Becoming a vegan.

It's changed my life. It's great not eating any animals. Fish, poultry, beef. They're all terrible for you, but more importantly, it's cruel to animals. But I want to take it one step further. Let's not eat anything that's ever been alive. That includes vegetables, fruits, other shit that grows in the ground, you name it. I don't want to be cruel or vicious to anything that's ever been alive. I've thought of a great name for this new idealogy. We can call it...RETARDATION. Fuck you. I'll eat what I want, when I want it. Being a vegan is pretty much being a virgin, except worse.

I just read some bullshit article about some has-been actress named Anjelica Huston crying about the upcoming CareerBuilder.com Super Bowl commercial. The commercial features infant monkeys that are fully trained doing menial tasks in the workplace. It's supposed to be funny because there are humans in the ad too and they get frustrated working with these monkeys (dumbasses). So the point of the commercial is to use careerbuilder to find a different job where you can work with people who are smarter than monkeys. Makes sense, right?

I thought so, but what about this buffoon? No, that isn't a picture of one of the monkeys. That's Anjelica Huston. She's been in about zero good movies and looks menacing. I wouldn't have sex with her if you gave me $30. She went on this whole rant about the working conditions on the set of this commercial. Ripping these infant monkeys away from their mothers in captivity just so we can use them to film a "funny" television commercial. It's cruel and inhumane and no one is laughing about it. A quote from Ms. Huston, “Innovative companies use animatronics or computer-generated imagery. … These chimpanzees are set to endure a lifetime of abuse for your 30-second spot—a point that no thinking person will find funny in the least.” It isn't innovative is they all do it, is it now Anjelica?

She's like an unpaid spokeswoman for PETA. The same people who do things like this:

I mean I can respect people who choose to go the vegetarian route, heck even being a vegan. But don't shove it down my fucking throat and give off the impression that you're better than me or some shit. Because that shit won't fly. Not here. Not anywhere. Maybe I like my mink coat and my tiger carpet. But it's my prerogative (Britney Spears insert). As you can see, not much has changed with me and by not much I mean nothing at all. I plan on continuing to write because for some odd reason, I've gotten more viewers to look at the blog when I wasn't writing than when I was. My only guess? "I am better than you."

I Started Working, I Moved To Virginia, My Leg Is Going To Fall Off. I'm Going To Try Blogging Again

It's been a little more than 3 weeks since my last blog post and these are my sins. Just kidding. We all know I don't believe in that hocus pocus, hodge-podge, religious bullshit. My goodness it feels great to start writing again. I'm sorry to all my devoted readers who would spend countless hours reading up on the things that piss me off. Or to the other reader who just wants something to waste their time. But I promise to write more on schedule than usual, it's just that I was structuring my life for the past few weeks to see what would be expected of me. It turns out that I don't have to give up writing politically incorrect blog posts, but I wouldn't have anyway. So onto my current life.

I started working on August 1. It's a decent sized company with mostly all dudes. And no that's not what I prefer. But sometimes you've got to roll with the punches. As for a typical day...I wake up every morning at 7:10. I proceed to bathe myself to get myself invigorated. I eat breakfast at roughly 7:30-7:35. I get to work at 7:50. And then I cold call people from 8-12, when I go out for lunch. I get back at 1 and cold call from 1-5:30. I get home around 6 and lay in bed and watch television until I go to sleep at 11. That's my life in a nut shell. I wake up to work and then get home and go to sleep. Cool.

Many times throughout the course of my life, people have said to me, "If you find a job that you love doing, you'll never work a day in your life." Fuck you asshole. You can love what you're doing, but it's still work. What kind of idiot do you have to be? And don't tell me not to take things so literally. That's the only way to take things. I'm a man. I don't beat around the bush. I don't play games. I speak my mind and that's all. Take it or leave it. But aside from that I love my job. I know cold calling seems like it's the worst thing to do in the history of the world, but the environment I work in is incredible. Everybody is incredibly nice. The atmosphere is very relaxed, despite the fact that people are cranking out phone calls all day. I couldn't fit in a more reasonable place.

Enough with work. So I moved to Virginia. I found a room for rent on Craigslist, looked at it, loved it, and moved in. One roommate is clean, one is straight-up German, and the other is Chinese. I pretty much live with the United Nations. Unfortunately, the German and Chinese guys are moving out and soon I'll have new roommates. And you never know what kind of freaks are going to come marching through that door. So I'm making it a point to see them first. They need to like sports, girls, beer, and potpourri. If they don't meet all of those criteria, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say "No." Liberals.

This past weekend I went to a cabin in West Virginia. I had a reunion with a whole bunch of people that I hadn't seen since graduation. It was a really great time. It consisted of a pig roast and gallons and gallons of beer. From the moment I got there to the moment I left, somebody was drinking. If that isn't dedication to a good time, I don't know what is. The first three weeks here have left my salivating anticipating the next weekend because I don't know what's going to happen. And before I forget. I got bit by a spider on Saturday. It was the most itchy experience of my entire life. Today, Tuesday, it has turned a nice shade of purple. I'm not one to care about anything, but good lordie I needed to get this shit checked out.

I go to an urgent care center and the doctor takes a look at my leg. He tells me there's nothing to be concerned with, for now, because the bite is only superficial. If it busts open, then it's time for panic mode. That's when infection can make its way in and my leg can get severed. Thanks, doc. I wasn't at all nervous or skeptical before you had told me that and I definitely have no reason to now. Idiot. So here's to hoping that I have my leg next week or the week after or however long it takes for the poison to travel. This will be my payback for being perfect.

I saw my old roomie who joined the Peace Corps in Ethiopia. He's doing well. I miss him. I saw Brian, Melissa, Jonny, Russ, Parker, and more this weekend, too. You don't know how much you truly miss something until it's gone. And that holds true to everything in life. Take this blog for instance. When all of you goobers came clicking around for it and saw that I hadn't updated for what seemed like eternity, you probably thought I retired it. Wrong. I'll never retire it until I turn 25 or something. Because I still have way toooooo many reasons to tell you that "I am better than you."