Things That Girls Like That Are Stupid

Have you ever slept in a girl's bed? Whether she was with you or you crept in? I'm more familiar with the latter situation, but did you happen to notice something about her bed? The absurd amount of pillows that were located on it. Two pillows for actually sleeping on. Two for decoration. And maybe another two that they call 'throw' pillows. Well guess what? I'm going to throw them at your face because they are fucking stupid, like girls. Do you think your bed looks that much better because it contains six different pillows? Are you all of a sudden a Martha Stewart of bedroom decor? Probably not. So I've decided to enforce my superiority over the female race by reviewing most things that girls like that are stupid. Like their faces.

(comfortable, no?)

"Let's go out to get dinner", says some whiny, annoying girlfriend. "Where would you like to go?", says myself. "Mmmmm. Sushi!". Fuck you. Why do girls like sushi so much? They won't perform oral sex because it's gross, but they'll shove raw fish down their mouth. Well here's to hoping that you get mercury poisoning.  To go further along with that thought, they all seem to like Panera Bread too. Of course I love spending my hard-earned money on you, especially when it's for an $8 four-inch sandwich. As long as it makes you happy, right? Plus it's already pre-made, so it's not like your getting fresh food. Just girl's logic I tell you...

This one is one of my favorites. Babies. Girls love little babies. I can't tell you how many times my newsfeed has been polluted with pictures of cute, wittle babies the last year or so. "Look at my 3-year-old niece, isn't she so precious?" or "My coworker's child is so beautiful. She's the cutest thing I've ever seen!!" If that happens to be the case, why won't you let me have sex with you without a condom? If you like babies so much and think they're so cute, let's make one. So the response you get is, "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't want one of those things. It'll ruin the rest of my life." Why yes, yes it will. So you find babies to be cute and wonderful, but when it comes to being your own, they're despicable?  Good logic girls. Well done.

There's about a 99% chance that Instagram is one of the worst app inventions ever. Here we are using our cellular telephones to take pictures of things that we eat, duck faces, a close-up of your acne-covered face, and your bikini body that can stand to lose 5-10 pounds. I'm not quite sure I've ever seen a picture on Instagram that I thought a 4-year-old blind child couldn't take. They're blurry pictures with shades of grey in the background. Please make note of my reference to Shades of Grey, a book that women love despite the fact that it is degrading and immoral. A guy tying up women for his sexual escapades, getting them close to climax and stopping. Lather, rinse, repeat. Why are you subjecting yourselves to that? If I ever did that to you in real life, you'd murder me, so why read it in a book while your panties are saturated? Skanks.

Pinterest is pretty much the equivalent to Instagram. Let me "pin" my interests and then post about it all over Facebook. I promise you I could give 2 fucks less as to what you are pinning. That shit is stupid. I also love the fashion tips Pinterest provides. For some odd reason, all girls seem to think that they are fashionistas and could wear anything they want and guys will compliment them on it. Here's the thing. I read on the internet a couple of times the past few months that if girls dressed for guys, they wouldn't wear anything at all. Girls dress to impress other girls and then talk shit about them behind their backs. It's totally true and not one female acquaintance of mine can deny it. In my good conscience, the less clothing you're wearing, the closer I am to conquering you. Facts.

(thank you Pinterest!)

So to sum things up, girls love making their beds with elegant sheets and comforters and designer pillows, just to take it all off when the go to sleep. They love eating sushi because it's much more wholesome than swallowing a load. They love babies, so long as they're not theirs to keep. They love taking shitty photographs and claim they are artistic. They love showcasing their fashion-side and go outside wearing stupid fucking rainboots and bright yellow pants. In every regard, men are better than women. They like better things. They are smarter. Have bigger brains. And lastly, they eat real food. So not only are men better than women, but "I am better than you."

Oral Sex Is Causing Oral Cancer In Men. I Know What I Won't Do Anymore

A recent article published has declared that there is a correlation between men getting cancer in their mouths with the amount of oral sexes they are providing to women. (http://www.aolnews.com/2011/04/19/research-oral-sex-puts-men-at-risk-for-oral-cancer/) Since that appears to be the case, girls can forget about me doing that for them anymore. As a matter of fact, they can forget about me doing a lot of things for them. Who's to say that any other things I do out of the goodness of my heart won't result in some sort of illness. I've taken the liberty to provide a list of things I will no longer do for women because I value my life. Fuck yeah.

5. Take pictures

I know how much girls love to take pictures when they're out drinking. Back when Facebook used to be cool and allowed you the ability to stalk people's pictures, you'd always come across 3 girls pissing in a toilet or in the shower or even worse, in the sink. Those days are gone and thank goodness. I don't know how many pictures I've seen of girls taking pisses. What's the point? Of course I'd like to see you bottomless, but not while you're secreting urine from your hole. Staring at such pictures will probably cause cataracts or ocular cancer or something along those lines. I'm done taking pictures for you.

4. Work out

(Sweatshirts went out in '93 bro)

Rumor has it that girls like guys who work out. The bigger the muscles, the wetter the panties. I find that hard to believe considering the amount of girls I've made out with in my life. (8 by age 23? Not too shabby) But it's now something I'm not doing anymore. Sometimes I would go for a run and lift the 3 lbs. dumbells that my mom has, but I won't touch 'em again. They say the way to a girl's heart is to buy her Tiffany's, agree on everything, and the ability to throw her against the wall, of course in a completely consenual way. By not working out, I save myself the probability of acquiring bicep/tricep/shoulder cancer. 2 for 2.

3. Clean

I don't mean that kind of cleaning, you know the kind that women are especially good at. I mean the kind of cleaning that I do. Do you know what I did with my toothpaste, shampoo, soap, and shaving cream once I heard about the oral cancer? Yep, you guessed it. It went right in the trash. Girls love it when guys take care of themselves and make themselves presentable. I won't subject myself to it anymore. Nope. I used to trim my beard, wash my body, clean my hair, brush my teeth, but I can't see myself doing any of those things anymore. Not with the risk of hair cancer, skin cancer, or gum cancer. Way too risky. Sorry girls, the juice ain't worth the squeeze.

2. Watch tv

This one hurts me a lot. Like a whole lot. I really like watching tv. It's probably my greatest pastime. But the next time I get a girlfriend, I mean if, I will not cuddle in bed and watch television with her. Not when I'm forced to watch 'The Bachelorette', 'Desperate Housewives', 'Grey's Anatomy', '90210', and other terrible shows. That guy in the picture is only smiling because deep down he hopes that by wasting 2 hours of his life watching a slut make her decision about who she wants to get fucked by next week, that he will be rewarded with oral sex. Little does he know that oral sex is the devil now. I bet it was a female researcher. My brain and eyes are safe from cancer.

1. Shop

Oh give me a break asshole. Everyone who is looking at this picture knows you're full of shit. You have two bags in your hand and neither look like they're from Victoria's Secret, so we know you aren't having sexy sex tonight. I can't understand why girls love to shop. But I won't partake in it anymore. I never really did anyway. Shopping is my least favorite activity in the whole wide world. I'd almost rather eat a stalk of celery than waste 6 hours of my day watching you shop for things you can't really afford. Going shopping with women probably results in hand cancer, arm cancer, brain cancer, mouth cancer, ear cancer, and heart cancer. There's only so much a man can take before his body gives out on him. This is why I will never go shopping again.

Aren't I great or what? I single-handedly am abandoning all those great things that I used to do for women because I'm terrified of getting all those different kinds of cancer. And now by writing about it, I'm saving all the guys from cancer too. When they make more statues of me you can say you were there when I achieved such a lofty, prestigious honor. Until then, keep women away from. I do because "I am better than you."

Regrets. A Fun Word, But Not A Fun Thought

I bought a Limp Bizkit CD, Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water, when I was in 7th grade. I listened to it probably around 70 times. I knew all the lyrics by heart. That was one of the worst regrets I have in my entire life. Are you shocked? Something as meaningless as a CD in 7th grade as one of my biggest regrets? Well don't be because if you knew me at all, you would understand that I don't regret anything. That's not necessarily true, but there are very few things in my life that I regret. A Limp Bizkit CD is most assuredly one of them. Now let's take a look back at some of the dumber things I can be noted for.

(Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin', uh)

I previously mentioned my making out with baby seals in my 'Beer Goggles' piece. However, I don't mark that or any other ill-conceived make-outs in college because they made for funny stories. All my friends know them and mock me for them on a somewhat consistent basis. Also because I keep bringing them up. I can say I have 3 real regrets in my entire life. Things that I would change if I could go back in time right now and fix them. Just 3. And now I will put them in the order of smallest-to-biggest regrets. Brace yourselves.

3. I was somewhat popular in high school. I was voted class clown and people knew me as the funny kid who never got ass. That was 5 years ago. But there was one particular moment of my lack of ass-getting that I never seemed to let slip away. I can recall distinctly that it was my sophomore year of high school. I had just finished track practice and was on my way back to the boys locker room via the gym. A girl approached me. But she wasn't just any girl. She was a smart, pretty girl. One of the prettiest girls in my grade. I should mention that at this point in time I had yet to makeout with a girl. (Or guy for you jokesters out there) She told me that she was willing to "help me out" with my problem. That was it. Nice and simple. But guess what? You know where this is going. I didn't take the offer. I still don't have a reason.

2. I brought this up earlier also in another blog post. My sophomore year of college was a swell time. No RA's. Beer whenever we could get someone to buy it for us with a fake I.D. The works. Life was pretty sweet. But it didn't start out so sweet. I was helping to move-in a former neighbor from freshman year. I was talking to her mom. She told me to take care of her and make sure nothing happens to her. I told her mom that, "No. I don't care about her. I'm just going to let her walk home alone and get raped." Her mom didn't like me much after that and heck, who could blame her. Rape is no joking matter. I guess the hint of sarcasm in my voice wasn't enough to soften the blow of telling her I didn't care if her daughter got raped. Yep, that's me.

1. I was in Kmart with my mom. She told me I could pick out one toy that I wanted. Any toy. At this point in time I was a huge geek for Inspector Gadget. It's a brilliant cartoon with some zany moments. He always fucked up. Hilarity ensued. They just so happened to have some Inspector Gadget toys. A field day for me! But which one do I pick? If you know the cartoon you should be aware that Dr. Claw never showed his face. Not once. Not ever. He was available at Kmart. It even said on the package, "See Dr. Claw's face revealed!" But not that day. I didn't choose Dr. Claw. Guess who I chose? Guess? (drum roll)............................Penny and the stupid fucking dog. It was so memorable that I can't even remember the fucking dog's name. And I literally remember everything. Everything. I chose wrong.

(The package that haunts my dreams)

There you have it. My personal regrets. I choose to not have any regrets in life because it's way too short to dwell on the shit you've done. Fuck it. It felt right at the time, didn't it? You regret it because of the outcome that came out later. But if you didn't choose "wrongly" than you would never know. It felt right at the time. Live by that and you won't give a shit about any of the rest of the dumb things you do from now until forever. Sponsored by me because, "I am better than you."

Marijuana: America's Seemingly Favorite Plant

If I gave you one million dollars to name 25 of the 50 State Flowers, could you do it? I doubt it seriously. The reason I doubt it? Because unless you're a botanist or stegosaurus, you don't give a shit about plants. But I know of one plant that most Americans as well as humans around the globe do know about. That plant is cannabis, most commonly referred to as marijuana. There are way too many other names that it goes by so I'll leave Ali G to give you all the fun names. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdmuVS7O6FY...skip to about 4:23 or watch the whole thing) Since this isn't history class I'll only tell you that its use goes back as far as the 3rd millenium BC. Whoa that's a long time.

For most people growing up, they aren't made aware of marijuana until they reach high school. At least that's how it was for me. And since I'm too much of a pussy, I never tried it either. But I was friends with some kids who smoked "pot" and they were decent individuals. But as a child I was always taught that marijuana is a "gateway drug", one that opens the gates for more intense drug use down the road. That's why I always played sports. My mom wanted to keep me as far away from the streets as she could. Looks like it worked because I haven't touched it. Plus, it's illegal.

Then I went to college. College is fun. You get to hook up with girls, drink until your liver implodes, experiment with friends, and justify using recreational drugs. Your parents aren't around to tell you what to do and you cross that boundary of making your own decisions. Well I decided to yet again not smoke it. That doesn't mean I didn't like the people who did. Some of my closest friends that I made in college liked smoking the reefer on very non-monumental occasions. I was oblivious and didn't know what 4/20 was. As far as I knew, it was the 20th of April. But it's like pot-smoking day or something. Whatever.

And who woulda thunk that a majority of people I know parents still smoke to this day! All of our parents are typically around the same age, between 50-65. So that means they were very alive for Woodstock. That was when drug use was somewhat okay and hippies shot out of the woodwork. Tie-dye and all that other horrendous shit that people still think is cool today. Even the Beatles did some drugs, evidenced by their album Revolver amongst others. So once upon a time drug use was cool. That's why it makes sense that we're all a little off the rocker. We're like drug babies or something.

In spite of my disinterest in marijuana, I think it should be made legal. With the whirlpool of shit our economy is in right now, it just might be the jumpstart we need. California got the ball rolling by legalizing it and look at them. A financial juggernaut. But, not really. I think with a little bit of tweaking we can make this work. We can set up stands on street corners, or get the ends of long buildings and supply the stuff out of there. Maybe we can even get the prostitutes involved somehow in a two-for-one deal. But that's for another blog post. Take out your blunts and smoke it up because "I am better than you."