I Started Working, I Moved To Virginia, My Leg Is Going To Fall Off. I'm Going To Try Blogging Again

It's been a little more than 3 weeks since my last blog post and these are my sins. Just kidding. We all know I don't believe in that hocus pocus, hodge-podge, religious bullshit. My goodness it feels great to start writing again. I'm sorry to all my devoted readers who would spend countless hours reading up on the things that piss me off. Or to the other reader who just wants something to waste their time. But I promise to write more on schedule than usual, it's just that I was structuring my life for the past few weeks to see what would be expected of me. It turns out that I don't have to give up writing politically incorrect blog posts, but I wouldn't have anyway. So onto my current life.

I started working on August 1. It's a decent sized company with mostly all dudes. And no that's not what I prefer. But sometimes you've got to roll with the punches. As for a typical day...I wake up every morning at 7:10. I proceed to bathe myself to get myself invigorated. I eat breakfast at roughly 7:30-7:35. I get to work at 7:50. And then I cold call people from 8-12, when I go out for lunch. I get back at 1 and cold call from 1-5:30. I get home around 6 and lay in bed and watch television until I go to sleep at 11. That's my life in a nut shell. I wake up to work and then get home and go to sleep. Cool.

Many times throughout the course of my life, people have said to me, "If you find a job that you love doing, you'll never work a day in your life." Fuck you asshole. You can love what you're doing, but it's still work. What kind of idiot do you have to be? And don't tell me not to take things so literally. That's the only way to take things. I'm a man. I don't beat around the bush. I don't play games. I speak my mind and that's all. Take it or leave it. But aside from that I love my job. I know cold calling seems like it's the worst thing to do in the history of the world, but the environment I work in is incredible. Everybody is incredibly nice. The atmosphere is very relaxed, despite the fact that people are cranking out phone calls all day. I couldn't fit in a more reasonable place.

Enough with work. So I moved to Virginia. I found a room for rent on Craigslist, looked at it, loved it, and moved in. One roommate is clean, one is straight-up German, and the other is Chinese. I pretty much live with the United Nations. Unfortunately, the German and Chinese guys are moving out and soon I'll have new roommates. And you never know what kind of freaks are going to come marching through that door. So I'm making it a point to see them first. They need to like sports, girls, beer, and potpourri. If they don't meet all of those criteria, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say "No." Liberals.

This past weekend I went to a cabin in West Virginia. I had a reunion with a whole bunch of people that I hadn't seen since graduation. It was a really great time. It consisted of a pig roast and gallons and gallons of beer. From the moment I got there to the moment I left, somebody was drinking. If that isn't dedication to a good time, I don't know what is. The first three weeks here have left my salivating anticipating the next weekend because I don't know what's going to happen. And before I forget. I got bit by a spider on Saturday. It was the most itchy experience of my entire life. Today, Tuesday, it has turned a nice shade of purple. I'm not one to care about anything, but good lordie I needed to get this shit checked out.

I go to an urgent care center and the doctor takes a look at my leg. He tells me there's nothing to be concerned with, for now, because the bite is only superficial. If it busts open, then it's time for panic mode. That's when infection can make its way in and my leg can get severed. Thanks, doc. I wasn't at all nervous or skeptical before you had told me that and I definitely have no reason to now. Idiot. So here's to hoping that I have my leg next week or the week after or however long it takes for the poison to travel. This will be my payback for being perfect.

I saw my old roomie who joined the Peace Corps in Ethiopia. He's doing well. I miss him. I saw Brian, Melissa, Jonny, Russ, Parker, and more this weekend, too. You don't know how much you truly miss something until it's gone. And that holds true to everything in life. Take this blog for instance. When all of you goobers came clicking around for it and saw that I hadn't updated for what seemed like eternity, you probably thought I retired it. Wrong. I'll never retire it until I turn 25 or something. Because I still have way toooooo many reasons to tell you that "I am better than you."

The Best Way To Get In A Girl's Pants Is Magic

I once received a text message on my phone sometime during the 2007-2008 school year. The text read "I can't stop thinking about magic." It was from a friend of mine, the same friend who found it necessary to camp in our apartment watching shitty movies on HBO because he didn't want to pay for cable. And heck, I never minded walking into my house to see him sitting there watching anything. His presence alone ensured a fun time. One day he saw a video of David Blaine on Youtube, and magic became a new fascination that would only be quenched once it was fully mastered. These next 3 weeks were beyond entertaining for me. (P.S. He really thought this was David Blaine)

It all started with card tricks. Finding the 4 Jack's who robbed the bank, or throwing them at the wall and holding some Ace was what I became accustomed to. I didn't get to see any of those lame quarter behind the ear tricks or doves flying out of hats. It mostly started and ended with card tricks. Once he got comfortable enough, he took his talents on the road. The road meaning our next door neighbors apartment. Four girls, 2 of which had boyfriends. But really nice, cool down to earth chicks. Time for the magic show. He performed his patented two card tricks and did them well. I think they pretended to care. I was in awe.

After that show was when magic really took over. I received a text message at 5:14 am stating the above message. I knew it had engrossed him and wouldn't stop until it failed. The true test would be if it worked at a party. Get a girl really drunk, show her some magic tricks, and see if her panties will drop. But we had one problem. Our master illusionist was in a long-term, committed relationship. There would be no panty-dropping. So we settled on watching the 'The Prestige' with Christian Bale on repeat. I never found out if magic tricks worked on drunk chicks. That is until today. I'm taking up magic.

I spent the early portion/my whole day going to local magic shops finding a cape and top hat that fit me perfectly. I went to a pet store and bought one of those albino-looking rabbits. I went to an animal rescue in my town and asked if they had any doves. They didn't, so I captured some pigeons in my backyard. Spray paint will work, won't it? I bought trick cards, trick coins, a wand, cups and balls, and last but not least, a Criss Angel DVD for beginners of magic. Since you already know all my secrets of how I became so good, don't be disappointed when I show you the neat tricks.

None of my friends respect me or would have sex with me, so I thought the next best thing to do would be to create a posting on Craigslist. In my posting, I wrote that I am an executive magician and that I can make a girl's panties drop with one flick of my magic wand. Whether they want to dive deeper into that and assume my private part is a wand is entirely up to their discretion. Otherwise, I showcased a picture of myself and my contact info. Not five minutes had passed before I received a phone call from a girl asking me to come show her some of my magic tricks. I simply had to oblige.

So I drove down about 25 miles from my house to this girl to show her some magic. I clearly didn't think this through because I don't know this girl at all and it could actually be a perverted man looking to have his way with a stellar young adult. Fortunately for me, it was a decent looking girl and my magic act began. I showed her several tricks, 1 or 2, until she told me to come up to her room. At this point in time if you have believed anything happened from paragraph 3 until now, you clearly are entirely too gullible. The only thing that drops girl's panties is her low self-esteem. That and a picture of me because "I am better than you."

February 14: Singles Awareness Day

Once upon a time St. Valentine shot some arrows at some people and then they fell in love. That's the accurate history of February 14. St. Valentine's Day. For those of us who are not in committed relationships, February 14 is the worst day of the year. You get to look at people who are happy to be with each other, and make kisses, and eat exquisite dinners, and have tons of sex. All things that sound pretty good right about now. But what do those who are single do on this fine holiday? Commiserate and console each other, that's what. So for those who are single just like me, I've compiled a list of things you could do so you don't lie in bed all day crying and wishing you were in love.

1.) Go see a movie. Have any friends who are single? Family members? Go see a movie. Nothing says I'm single like a good old-fashioned film. You're best bet is something that isn't too lovey-dovey because you'll end up wanting to kill yourself. Stick to some sort of action movie or comedy to let those feelings of self-loathing subside. My pick would be Justin Bieber: Never Say Never because you definitely won't be thinking about anything sexual.

2.) Get really drunk. Any time I get really down or upset about something, I sit in my room alone and take shots of Captain Morgan. Because when you get drunk, all of your problems seem to be alleviated. Getting drunk is also relatively cheap, cheaper than going to the movie theatre. And instead of crying yourself to sleep, you can just pass out which is also pretty great. You just have to make sure you don't txt an ex-lover because things could get emotional.

3.) Have your dinner delivered. My mom, my sister, and myself are all single at the present time and nothing says family unity like delivered dinner. We'll probably get Chinese food and complain about all the times we've had our hearts broken. At least my mom and my sister might, I'll probably be enamored with what the fortune cookie says. And then after dinner, have some drinks and just enjoy each other's company. Just because you don't have a partner doesn't mean you don't have anyone who cares about you. Keep it positive.

4.) Buy yourself some presents. I'm unemployed, so I can't, per se. But what about you? I know that usually the best time of the year is Christmas. Why? Because you get some presents. Valentine's Day should be the same for single people. Nothing says happiness like buying yourself shit you can't really afford. But it's better than wallowing all day and thinking about the times you had with somebody special. What is that really going to do for you? Probably just make you more upset. Materialism always feels better.

5.) Find a fling on craiglist. If you're a really sensitive bastard, love-making might be the route to go. Check on websites like craigslist.com or other escort services that can hook you up. That way you can make love, cry about it to them afterward, and then go on living your normal life. But for those 3 minutes, you'll forget about being a miserable piece of shit and that's what we're trying to accomplish, right? For some, it's the intimacy that they long for, not the feelings of love. This option is strictly for those individuals.

There you have it. A survival guide on how to make February 14 the best day it can be. If none of these options sound good to you, fuck off and make your own damn survival guide. As for me, I will check off options 1-4. I would never bang somebody from craigslist. That's just weird. Give me a call tomorrow if you're single and we can wish each other a happy Singles Awareness Day. I might be single, but still, "I am better than you."