Songs That Would Torture Me And Should Probably Torture You Too

So earlier this week the CIA declassified a list of songs that they used to torture Muslims or terrorists or some combination of both. Considering the fact that I'm a self-proclaimed music lover, I needed to take a look at what eardrum piercing we gathered up to induce our punishment. Some of the songs on the list include, "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem, "Dirrty" by Christina Aguilera, "I Love You" by Barney the big fucking purple dinosaur, "Bodies" by Drowning Pool and "Saturday Night Fever" by the Bee Gees. I personally find all of these songs great and would willingly listen to them on repeat for several hours in a dark room by myself. But that got me thinking of some of the songs that would cause me to sell out my battalion, captain, president, mother, and/or first-born child. So here's my list of torture-inducing songs by the greatest person to ever exist.

1) Hotel California - The Eagles

I don't know what kind of piece of shit wrote this song, but good god, this is at the top of my list. I don't know exactly when I started to hate this song, but I have a general feeling. My sister was in a sorority in college and one weekend during my senior year, I went to go visit her. Seemingly, this song was her and her roommates theme song. There was even some block lettering in the kitchen to remind everyone of the travesty of this song. Nothing bad happened to me that weekend, except for an ugly fat girl telling me she watches Jenna Jameson porn and The Real World. And that was before she hit the Smirnoff Razz bottle. Good grief women don't know how to drink alcohol. But this song would have me sell out my peers in less than 30 seconds. I can't stand this song or people who willfully listen to it.

2) Uptown Funk - Bruno Mars

This is a new one. I'm glad I waited this long to compile this list because this song wouldn't have been on it about 6 months ago. Don't believe me? Just read. Bet I gotcha there. I heard that shitty line from the song don't believe me just watch in commercials for horrific Kevin Hart movies. I heard it in commercials for the Voice. Serously, singing shows in 2015? When is that madness going to end? I hear it on the radio on every fucking station. I hear stupid ass kids singing along to it with their Beats by Dre. And I don't hate Bruno Mars. I actually think he's really talented and an excellent performer. I gotcha again, didn't I? That short ugly fuck needs to stop making shitty music with shitty hooks because it pisses me off. He also lacks charisma and most importantly, talent.

3) Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

Before you even get testy, fuck you. When I was in high school and we were getting drunk off of Parrot Bay and Malibu and this song came on at 11:30pm, it was the shit. We'd all sing away and hug each other and be sloppy messes. That's fine and cute and all, but then I got to college and people continued to play it at 1:30-2am when everybody was shitfaced and looking to hook up. Listen, I want to have sex tonight, not listen to some troll "sing" along. But I carried on because house parties have to stop at some point. Then I started going to bars and before the final call, every DJ in America has decided that this is a great song to play! I can't get away from this fucking song. It wasn't good in 1981 when it was released, It isn't good in 2015. Stop believin' that this is a good song; it's not.

4) 7/11 - Beyonce

I honestly didn't want to add newer songs to this collection, but Jesus Christ, this might be one of the worst songs of all time. Let me pull some lyrics for you. You know what? I'm going to post the lyrics to the entire song.

Shoulders sideways, smack it, smack it in the air
Legs movin' side to side, smack it in the air
Legs movin' side to side, smack you in the air
Shoulders sideways, smack it, smack it in the air
Smack it, smack it in the air
Legs movin' side to side, smack it, smack it in the air
Smack it, smack it in the air

Wave your hands side to side, put it in the air
Wave your hands side to side, put it in the air
Clap, clap, clap like you don't care
Smack that, clap, clap, clap like you don't care
(I know you care)

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap it
Foot up, my foot up
Hold up now my foot up
I'm spinnin' my foot up
Foot up yeah my foot up
I'm spinnin' my foot up
Put my foot down yeah my hands up
My hands up, my hands up
(Flexin')
Flexin' while my hands up
My hands up, my hands up
I stand up with my hands up
Then I put up, my hands up
I put up, my hands up
I put up, my hands up
Then I'm spinnin' all my hands up
(Spinnin')
Spinnin' while my hands up
(Spinnin')
Spinnin' while my hands up
(Spinnin')
Spinnin' while my hands up
Then I'm tippin' all my hands up
Spinnin', I'm spinnin', I'm spinnin' while my hands up
I'm Spinnin', I'm spinnin', I'm spinnin' while my hands up
(Drank)
Hold that cup like alcohol, hold that cup like alcohol
Hold that cup like alcohol
Don't you drop that alcohol
Never drop that alcohol, never drop that alcohol
I know you thinkin' bout alcohol
I know I'm thinkin' bout that alcohol
Man it feel like rollin' dice, man it feel like rollin' dice
Seven eleven, seven eleven, seven twice, man seven twice
Man it feel like rollin' dice, man this feel like rollin' dice
Man it feel like rollin' dice
Seven twice, seven twice
Girl I'm tryna kick it with you
Girl I'm tryna kick it with you
Man I'm tryna kick it with you
My feet up, I kick it with you
Man I swear I kick it with you
Man I swear I kick it with you
Girl I wanna kick it with you
Man I know I kick it with you
Yeah I spin' around and I kick it with you

I don't know who wrote this song. nor do I care really. And I don't really want to make fun of people with mental development problems, but I think someone with an IQ of 50 can write a better song than this. There's a max of 17 different words in the entire song. It's the same fucking words over and over and over again. It might have taken 15 seconds to write this piece of shit. And I hate the girls who post all that shit online, on the social media pages, "Always be yourself unless you can be Beyonce. Then always be Beyonce." I'll admit, the only thing I wish I had of Beyonce's is her bank account. Otherwise, her and I have given birth to the same number of children, we have the same amount of talent, and we're both incredibly attractive people. Be yourself ladies, everyone else is already taken.

5) Hotel California - The Eagles

I hate this fucking song with a passion. It's my least favorite song of all time. If I didn't give a shit about people reading this blog, I would have put it 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. Instead I put it 1 and 5. I hate it. I hate it.

So there's only 4 songs that would get me to crack. Probably more, but as of March 2, 2015, these songs make me want to drop cinder blocks on my dick and face. Torture isn't a strong enough word to convey how much these songs pain me. What doesn't pain me, however, is knowing that I am better than you.

The Artist Formerly Known As Lindsay Lohan And Other Famous One-Named Celebrities

And so, over the weekend, actually I believe it was Friday, Lindsay Lohan decided to drop her surname. She will officially be referred to as "Lindsay". The reasoning her publicity team gave was that there was so much negativity surrounding the name Lohan. Some people think back to her father, Michael, who appears to be the grandest of pieces of shit walking the planet. You might also think about her mother Dina, who clearly is a money-hungry whore who could give two shits less about her daughter. But never in their press release did they make any mention of Lindsay getting 12 DUI's or 6 arrests pertaining to the possession of cocaine. Clearly, she still is not at peace with herself and must blame her family for her dumb ass behavior. Fuck you Lindsay.

But what this did for me, more importantly, was to compile a list of all the best one-named celebrities to ever dominate Hollywood. So now I give you the pleasure of providing the best of the best one-named wonders.

Bono - If this isn't the best picture to describe a total douchebag, then I don't know what is. Yeah, maybe deaf people enjoy his music as a member of U2, but anyone with a knack for quality music knows this asshole hasn't made anything good since The Joshua Tree. Great humanitarian you are, Boner, I mean Bono.

Prince - What would this list be without the most putrid musician of all-time? I've had numerous arguments with friends and strangers over the course of my life, discrediting his heterosexuality. Now I have nothing against those who are homosexual, but please don't undermine my intelligence by telling me he has sex with women. I know it's not true. And his Super Bowl halftime show a couple of years ago made me want to puncture my eardrums.

Cher - DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVEEEEEEEEE?

Sting - Humma Humma Humma. Easily the best musician of those I have named thus far. The Police is a super talented band and have produced some of the best songs ever. "Roxanne", "Don't Stand So Close To Me", "Every Breath You Take", and many more. And not only does he bang models and other hot people, he was mentioned on an episode of Friends, t.v.'s second greatest sitcom ever produced. And last but not least, he has the distinction of getting confused with a professional wrestler. Sting used to be the best with his colorful facepaint and the Scorpion Death Lock, an obvious play on Bret Hart's more credible Sharpshooter, but I digress. Sting is the Don.

Beyonce - I'm not racist or blind.

Yanni - The ultimate insult when you were in 6th grade was to call someone Yanni. It might also hold that distinction today.

Seal - Seal did something for me that no other person can come close to. He boosted my self-esteem and confidence off the charts. I don't give a shit if he writes personalized poems to Heidi Klum every morning when they wake up, this is one ugly motherfucker. If he can marry and re-populate the Earth with his seed with one of the best looking supermodels of all-time, I am capable of anything. I have to admit however that "Kissed By A Rose" is a great song to lose your virginity to. Fact.

There you have it. My list of all the best one-named celebs in the history of the world. In the next 20 years when someone is compiling the next list of best one-named celebs in the world, I have a strong gut feeling that Lindsay Lohan, excuse me Lindsay, will not be included on the list. And as a matter of fact that list won't be nearly as good as mine is, because you already know "I am better than you."