Veganism: The Key To Living A Happy And Healthy Lifestyle

It's been nearly 6 months since I last wrote a post and I figure now is as good a time as ever to write another one. Lots and lots of thoughts have been circulating in my brain during this timeframe, but none worth putting into writing. That is until today. They say that when you're going through a lot, it's best to write it down. It's easier to write than say out loud or some bullshit like that. Well, I want to do my part. I want to help those who might be going through some shit right now as well. I dedicate this post to something that currently is the key to helping me live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Strap on your strap-ons because shit's about to get fucked.

Veganism. If you can recall any of my rants last year, mostly all of them had to do with being a liberal to some degree. Voting for Obama under several different aliases, going to summer camp, buying Apple products, etc. Unfortunately for me, things have changed. I purchased an iPhone because I can afford it. I worked at a summer camp for the second consecutive year (who would let me around children?). I'm still not voting for Obama. But something new has been instilled in me. Becoming a vegan.

It's changed my life. It's great not eating any animals. Fish, poultry, beef. They're all terrible for you, but more importantly, it's cruel to animals. But I want to take it one step further. Let's not eat anything that's ever been alive. That includes vegetables, fruits, other shit that grows in the ground, you name it. I don't want to be cruel or vicious to anything that's ever been alive. I've thought of a great name for this new idealogy. We can call it...RETARDATION. Fuck you. I'll eat what I want, when I want it. Being a vegan is pretty much being a virgin, except worse.

I just read some bullshit article about some has-been actress named Anjelica Huston crying about the upcoming CareerBuilder.com Super Bowl commercial. The commercial features infant monkeys that are fully trained doing menial tasks in the workplace. It's supposed to be funny because there are humans in the ad too and they get frustrated working with these monkeys (dumbasses). So the point of the commercial is to use careerbuilder to find a different job where you can work with people who are smarter than monkeys. Makes sense, right?

I thought so, but what about this buffoon? No, that isn't a picture of one of the monkeys. That's Anjelica Huston. She's been in about zero good movies and looks menacing. I wouldn't have sex with her if you gave me $30. She went on this whole rant about the working conditions on the set of this commercial. Ripping these infant monkeys away from their mothers in captivity just so we can use them to film a "funny" television commercial. It's cruel and inhumane and no one is laughing about it. A quote from Ms. Huston, “Innovative companies use animatronics or computer-generated imagery. … These chimpanzees are set to endure a lifetime of abuse for your 30-second spot—a point that no thinking person will find funny in the least.” It isn't innovative is they all do it, is it now Anjelica?

She's like an unpaid spokeswoman for PETA. The same people who do things like this:

I mean I can respect people who choose to go the vegetarian route, heck even being a vegan. But don't shove it down my fucking throat and give off the impression that you're better than me or some shit. Because that shit won't fly. Not here. Not anywhere. Maybe I like my mink coat and my tiger carpet. But it's my prerogative (Britney Spears insert). As you can see, not much has changed with me and by not much I mean nothing at all. I plan on continuing to write because for some odd reason, I've gotten more viewers to look at the blog when I wasn't writing than when I was. My only guess? "I am better than you."

Songs Of Summer '11

I look forward to every summer, not because I go on vacation (because I can't afford it), but because musicians typically come out with their best stuff. And there's always that one song during the summer that brings back strong memories no matter when you hear it. So, much like Hollywood boasts about all of its hit movies, the music world does much of the same. So I give you the pleasure of the best 11 songs you will probably hear on repeat this summer, unless a new single comes out within the next 2 weeks that blows shit out of the water. So here it is, the top 11 songs for Summer '11 that will make your penis erect and your kitty drip.

I'll call 11-6 Honorable Mention because the top 5 songs are the ones that people really care about. Also because I believe that these songs already blew their respective loads.

11. S & M - Rihanna

This song came out wayyyy too long ago to even be considered for a nomination for song of the summer. I shouldn't even include it as an honorable mention, but I still find Rihanna to be uber-attractive and that's good enough reason for me. And if she actually means what she's singing about, that's just an added bonus. Whips and chains? Sign me up, my Barbadian Beauty. Just color your hair back to a normal color and let it grow out like a respectable human.

10. Blow - Ke$ha

I hate Ke$ha. I know she's ugly as fuck, I know she's overweight, and I know she can't sing for shit. She does however have songs that are catchy as fuck and typically require minimal thought as to what her lyrics mean. I do, however, have a problem with her naming the song "Blow". My mind immediately races toward my penis being placed in a mouth or cocaine. Unfortunately for me, this song does neither of those things. That's what 10th place means.

9. Down On Me - Jeremih feat. 50 Cent

"Shorty you a dime, why you lookin' lonely?" That is one of the lyrics of this song and I think I've got the answer for it. It's because she hasn't met you yet, Jeremih. And I know your parents probably gave you that name from birth, but since you are over the age of 18, can you go to court and spell it correctly please? You're missing an A and that typically bothers me. A lot. Plus 50 Cent hasn't been relevant since 2002-2003 when he released his first studio album. He isn't a major selling point anymore.

8. Till The World Ends - Britney Spears

I made a mistake back in January when I said that Britney Spears lost it. That was at a point in time when she had just released "Hold It Against Me" which has about a 100% chance of being her worst song ever produced. I thought she had lost it. She was no longer the smokeshow that wore Catholic school uniforms anymore. Just a typical mom who's vagina had taken a mighty beating after escorting two kids out of it. But this song tickles my testes. It sounds good. I can watch other people dance to it. All the things that make it a great song for summer. The problem? She released it wayyyyyyyyy too soon to last another 3 months. The result of that terrible first single.

7. Just Can't Get Enough - Black Eyed Peas

They have never made a bad song. Never. Not once. But the summer songs this year are so much catchier than this one. It doesn't have that retro Black Eyed Peas sound to it. It's still wonderful nonetheless, but not summer good. The only thing I really really like about this song comes near the end of it once the music changes. A man's voice comes on and it sounds like he says "Socha", but since will.I.am doesn't know me, I don't think that was the intention. They probably say something super lame like "switchup." A vast improvement over the previous "I've had the time of my life and I owe it all to you" mashup.

6. The Show Goes On - Lupe Fiasco

Oh man. This one can surprise me and take control of the summer. It's release was a little premature, but it's got that poppy/rap flow to it. I respect Lupe Fiasco and I think he's a pretty talented rapper. He's not as good as Mos Def, who will be guest starring on Dexter this season which is incredible, but still good. He came to my college to perform during my freshman year, but at that point in time all he had on his resume was "Kick, Push" and that song sucked dick. But I'd go consider seeing him now.

These next 5 songs will take control of the summer so be prepared to hear them on the radio until August/September.

5. All Of The Lights - Kanye West feat. Rihanna

Kanye West takes the cake for being the most self-absorbed piece of shit celebrity on the planet right now. He's very egotistical and is well-aware, which makes it even worse. But he does have tremendous talent in producing hit after hit after hit. This song, when played in a bar, has the potential to make babies. It came out a little while ago, but it definitely has the longevity factor going for it. It's a song comprised of Kanye and Rihanna. Two of the bigger pop stars around right now. I'd be hella surprised to not hear this song every weekend I go out. Which will be around 4-6 times.

4. On The Floor - Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull

I'm quite surprised that American Idol revitalized Jennifer Lopez's career the way that it did. Everyone knows she is famous because she has the world's roundest ass. And I'm okay with that by all means. Her best film is a toss-up between Anaconda and Selena. From there, J-Lo was born and ruined Total Request Live for me for several years. Her surplus of terrible songs was near a dozen before she fell off the face of the Earth for 5 years. Than she puts out this marvelous hit of a song and, Voila! Jennifer Lopez is back with a song that I can listen to on repeat and not have the urge to grab the nearest butcher's knife and send it straight through my chest. Well done Jennifer. Well done.

3. E.T. - Katy Perry feat. Kanye West

I could probably list 15 things I'd rather do than watch this music video. Actually, that goes for any music video. But especially this one. Katy Perry has the best boobs in the business. That goes a long way in getting me to like her music. Her voice is mediocre at best. She's beat to shit without any makeup on. All she really has are those cans on her chest, and that's a real shame for her because once she hits 35 and they start drooping, she's done. But this song is just starting to catch on fire, and that's great. She has a stuttering problem during the chorus, she's interested in having sex with aliens, and shows no signs of being a racist. All the makings of a stellar human. Plus, Kanye is involved in the song which makes it marketable to all sorts of people.

2. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO

I hate these guys, especially the asshole in the middle in the above video still. His hair looks Caribbean, his jeans would be too tight on a 2 year old girl, his glasses are for style and not his inability to see, and he has no fashion-sense. But, this song is pretty remarkable. With booming speakers and half-dressed girls, it's a sure-fire way to a glorious boner. I'm also unaware of what the LMFAO stands for. I hope it's not "Laughing My Fucking Ass Off." That would be an utter disgrace to the music America produces. Just sayin'. Keep your ears peeled because this song is explosive.

Numbaaaaaaaaaaa 1.

1. Give Me Everything - Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo

This song is definitely definitely definitely the summer song of 2011. There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever. It has a solid beat that people can and will dance to. It's got a catchy chorus that condones getting drunk and making mistakes, my favorite motto. Ne-Yo is still alive, according to this recording. And he pronounces tonight like "tonoyt" on several occasions throughout the song which I seem to enjoy for some reason. The rapping is terrible, the girl singing is unnecessary, but it still reeks of everything that represents summer. Drinking and dancing. I've already heard it several times just this past weekend and it isn't even Memorial Day Weekend yet. Expect to hear this song so many times this summer because it is officially THE number one song for the summer of 2011.

I did it again. I've compiled a list that highlights the best 11 songs you're going to hear this summer and I did it without having to tell you "I am better than you."

The Top 10 Greatest Songs Of The 90s. And By 90s I Mostly Mean 1996-1999. (Part 2)

Welcome back. Brace yourself for the top 5. Sorry I didn't post last night to my devoted readers. I was prepping for a potential earth-shattering sequence.

5. Alanis Morissette - "You Oughta Know"

Did you ever watch "Full House?" Do you remember Uncle Joey? Did you know that he took Alanis Morissette's virginity? The entire "Jagged Little Pill" album, or at least most of it, was written about Joey Gladstone. You know who I blame? Canada. You just can't trust those people with their affinity for hockey and healthcare. You end up with Joey banging Alanis and the result is an incredible record. Imagine what kind of music "The Jonas Brothers" would be making if a guy popped their cherries. I can't even imagine. "And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" Emotional.

4. Hanson - "MMMBop"

In all honesty, I hate this fucking song. But I lived in Hanson Hall in college and well, it just wouldn't feel right if I didn't include them. I look at Hanson as a new age Bee Gees, but ridiculously less talented and far less popular. Plus, what the fuck is up with their hair? Maybe I'm just jealous, 'cause this shit is stopping growing on me. But they legitimately look like girls. And sound like it, too. If you've never actually listened to the lyrics of this song, I suggest you do so now. It made it to Number 4 for a reason.

3. Britney Spears - "...Baby One More Time"

If you're a boy and this video doesn't make your weeny tingle, you got some problems. How on Earth is this song only Number 3? Aside from the fact that she sounds like she's constipated, the choreography is all wrong. And she didn't even do all those backflips. That's a major penalty in my book. But my biggest complaint is that she might be the only female I've ever seen that I don't think looks better in the school girl outfit. I'd much rather take her with her sports bra and breakaway pants. Say what you will, but you know I'm right.

2. Backstreet Boys - "I Want It That Way"

"Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh." What song starts better than that? No song, that's what. They say you're either a BSB 4 Lif or a stupid *NSYNC'er. I chose the former because who doesn't like a boy band that consists of a balding 30-year-old, a drug addict, an alcoholic, a rodent, and the Jolly Green Giant? Idiots, that's who. BSB revolutionized the airwaves for a solid 4 years. Carson Daly should be giving them thanks every morning and every night for making him a star. MTV should change their name to "BSB" for making the network relevant again. This song wasn't their best one, but it's the most recognized of all of them.

According to at least one expert, this song is not only the best of the 90s, but the best ever. That expert is me and I proudly present to you, Number 1.

1. Third Eye Blind - "Semi-Charmed Life"

Name a better song. I dare you. It doesn't exist. When you hear the opening to the song, do you "Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo?" I know I do, not because I bathe in its splendor, but because it's so God damn catchy. This song is one of those that will be listened to at all junctures of time. Stephen Jenkins is a genius and only he can create a song about being addicted to drugs and make it seemingly cool. Everyone knows the song, whether they like it or not. If they don't, well I just don't ever want to speak with them again. It is hands down, the best song of the 90s.

Don't agree with my selections? Fuck off. You're just jealous that you didn't think of concocting a list first. Be sure to harrass me with snubs and disagreements so I can blatantly ignore you because "I am better than you."

Britney Spears Makes Shitty Music That You Shouldn't Like

Remember when you used to get home from school and turn on MTV to catch Total Request Live? Remember when you thought that it was the greatest television show in the history of the world? Remember when you were pathetic for having thought that? I do because it was just now, idiot. Well if my memory serves me correctly, (and it always does) that would place us circa 98. Carson Daly would be considered the man amongst men and us readers as goofy ass 7-10 year olds. I'll admit it. You guys didn't know any better. You thought it was a good program.

From what my gut is telling me, this is also the time that the Backstreet Boys, N'SYNC, Third Eye Blind (a legendary band), Christina Aguilera, Limp Bizkit, and Britney Spears, gulp, rocked the airwaves. Yes, you read that correctly. Rocked the airwaves. I won't go so hard on the boy bands because everybody liked boy bands. Or Limp Bizkit. People liked them for some reason. But where are they now? Dead probably, which isn't the worst fate. But then we have people like Britney Spears still making really shitty music.

For example, Britney Spears latest masterpiece was leaked today and the title of the pile of shit is "Hold It Against Me". Yes Britney I will hold it against it you for taking away three minutes and thirty-one seconds of my life that I will never be able to get back. I'm tired of hearing all these songs that have these cheesy, generic techno beats with god awful people performing the music. Enrique Iglesias, Pitbull, and Usher are to name a few. But let's leave the techno to professionals like Tiesto (Matt).

When was the last time Britney Spears actually put on a good performance, aside from shaving her head? "Hit Me Baby One More Time", "Oops...I Did It Again", "I'm A Slave 4 U"? She can't even spell the whole word out? What a loser. What really upsets me is "Lucky". I'd have felt a lot luckier in my life if I never heard that dogpile of shit. And my favorite of all them? "If U Seek Amy." Never in my life in 2008 would I fuck her. I don't think anybody really wants to fuck her either. None of the boys and none of the girls.

At this point in her life, with her two or three children or how many ever she shot out, I think she should be focusing on the more important things. Like being a good mother, and a role model to the children she brought into the world. Instead of rehashing the same shit over and over and over again, I think it's time for Britney to go away. Forever. And this time we should abide and leave Britney alone.

So instead of encouraging her to make more music, you people should stop buying her records and albums and requesting her songs on the shitty radio. All that it will leave you with is more of the same. Garbage, white trash, and an ugly has-been. I chose to never listen to Britney Spears because my taste in music is superior than yours, simply because "I am better than you."