Because Your Kiss, Your Kiss, Is On My List

The story you're about to read is 100% true. Some of the names may have been changed to protect their identities.

Have you ever felt like a loser because you can't hook up with chicks? Because when you go to the bar and start hitting on girls you don't know what to do except scream "Nancy Pelosi" at them? Well you're in luck because I'm about to describe my first kiss. And by kiss I mean makeout. Like with tongues and stuff. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 18 years old! What? Yep. I was 18 in human years. Probably the oldest person out of anyone I've ever come across in my life. But it all worked out for me in the end, sort of.

Let me take you back a little so you can get a full understanding of who I am and what kind of a pussy I was/am. I went to private school from age 5 to 18. My entire life. The first school I went to shut down because of a lack of funding/small enrollment. I then transferred to a new school in 2nd grade. There were about 25 kids in my class, give or take. But once I hit the 5th grade, some of the kids started leaving. Some because they moved. Some because they were probably poor. And some because the school sucked dick. By the time I hit the 6th grade (which is full on puberty in case you didn't know), I was stuck with 4 girls in my class. 14 total kids, 4 girls. 4.

I always had a thing for one of the girls. Let's call her Paige. She and I used to talk on the phone. I'd go over to her house to play Uno with her mom. Heck, we even slow-danced multiple times at our school-sponsored dances. I called it the Frankenstein dance. Hands on shoulders, hands on waist, and sway side-to-side. The good ole days. She used to come to some of my baseball games. I used to sing her Backstreet Boys songs on the phone. I'll never break your hearttttttttt. I'll never make you cryyyyyyyyyyy. It was pretty great. We started to get older. I wanted to do more stuff, like hold hands and touch her boobs. She wanted to go meet the world outside our private school. I can't blame her. I was a dime compared to the other trolls in that classroom. But also a dime in everyday life too.

We get to the 8th grade, still friends, but she's dated a few other boys at this point. The other girls in my class, Jessica, Lisa, and Jennifer - we'll call them, were nothing to look at. Lisa and Jennifer were fraternal twins who only spoke to each other and in their "inside voices". Jessica looked like a rabid dog. I didn't have much to work with. Unfortunately, Lisa and Jennifer ended up leaving the school in 8th grade to be homeschooled because of how they were "bullied". Compared to the kids of today, I guess you can say they were bullied. We would purposely aim at their heads during gym when we played running bases, or dodgeball, or anything that included a ball. Usually once per week, one of them ended up at the nurse because they got blasted with a ball to the head. We were cruel.

That left me with 2 girls and about 0 chance of smooching either before I got to high school. Fine. I'll meet lots and lots of people in high school and most of them will be girls and hot and slutty because it's a Catholic school. I wasn't far off once I got to high school. There were a lot of girls and a lot of them were attractive and slutty. But now I'm 14. I haven't felt a boob. I haven't open-mouth kissed someone. Pressure is mounting. I decide I should probably make some friends. So I did. I made a good amount of friends. Most of which I met through class, or detention, or baseball. I started to fit in. I made some friends. I got invited to do things. I knew a few of the football players. I knew a few of the cheerleaders. I knew a pretty solid amount of people. Something was bound to come along.

I become friends with a guy named "Steve". Steve was dating Aleshia and she used to provide oral comforts to him. I was jelly. I became pretty good friends with both of them and after several months, I ended up sabotaging their relationship for my own personal gain. I was 15 and a piece of shit. Sue me. I was the friend she needed to console her. Steve was in a minor tailspin. But all I kept thinking was, man, I've gotta smooch this chick. Never happened. She dated someone new. No love lost, at least I don't think. That's wrapping up my sophomore year. I'm 16 and still no kisses on my mouth. I start to panic.

One of the cheerleaders, "Daniella", pulls me aside right before my track practice. At this point, those close to me knew I was a virgin kisser. And also a regular virgin too. Word started to spread around that I never kissed a girl. So Daniella says to me, real slyly, "Hey, if you want, I'll make out with you. It's not that big a deal." I also want to point out that Daniella is one of the prettiest girls, not only in my grade, but probably the entire school. I'm not sure if I heard her correctly because all I said was "Yeah, sure" and went to track practice. That conversation never came up again. But not to be outdone by my own stupidity, later that same year "Krystal" tells me the exact same thing. Except this time, I have it written out to me in the form of an IM on AIM. Krystal was also a very attractive girl who was on the dance team. I told a friend of mine about her proposal. He goes back to ask her, and guess what happened next? Virgin-kisser going into my senior year.

I should point out that during my junior year, when I fucked up getting kisses, I went to a handful of parties. I once even got hammered at a party with a girl from a different school while playing Kings. She was so drunk, that she showed everyone her boobs. I don't remember her name, but they were the first real-life boobs I saw. Still didn't manage to makeout with the drunk girl who showed her boobs at a party. But back to senior year. Time is running out. If all else fails during the course of the year, I've got prom. People tend to have the intercourse at prom. I was just hoping to make kisses. I didn't. My senior year was a lot less exciting than my junior year. I feel like I peaked when I was 17. I lost all hope. I never thought I was going to kiss a human girl. Until Steve hooked it upppppppppppp.

Steve's family owned a beach house. The first time we went to his beach house, we got super drunk and that's pretty much it. It wasn't until the last weekend I was in New Jersey before college, that things got exciting. Steve invited myself and Dave to go to his house right before I left. Conveniently, three other girls we knew were going to be down the shore that same weekend. "Katie, Emily, and Liz" stayed at Emily's relative's house. It was a Friday night and the drinks started pouring a wee bit early. I call Katie to see what she's up to and they decided that they were going to drink early too! Can you see where this is heading? The three men go to pick up the three girls. They are silly drunk. Silly drunk is the level right before crying drunk.

We start playing beer pong. We start playing Kings. There is lots of drinking going on. One thing that always happens when you're drunk is a case of the munchies. Similar to when one smokes the marijuanas. Now I don't remember which of the girls said it, but one of them said that they'd make out with each other if we made them some Pizza Rolls. We bought a bag of 100 Pizza Rolls because we knew we had a long, eventful weekend ahead of us. Naturally, we agreed to this. We'll make some Pizza Rolls, you make out. So Emily and Liz start making out. Katie and Emily start making out. Katie and Liz start making out. Steve, Dave, and myself are watching. Dave goes in. Dave is making out with Katie. Dave is making out with Emily. Steve is making out with Liz. Steve is making out with Emily. Where is Mike???? Mike starts making out with Liz. 18 years old, 1 week before college. I get my first makeout. We're sharing Pizza Rolls. Liz shows us her boobs. All is right with the world.

I get to go to college not feeling like a complete fucking pussy. But I haven't even given the kicker yet. Liz, the first girl I ever made out with in my human life, turns out to be a lesbian. So, I'm not so sure to this day if she even wanted the Pizza Rolls or if she just wanted to make out with the other girls. My first kiss came from a lesbian. A lesbian. So before you think you're pathetic. That your life sucks. That you'll die a virgin, Just remember me. Multiple chances. Multiple idiotic choices. One kiss when I was 18. If it can happen to me, it could happen to you. But on second thought, it probably wouldn't because I am better than you.

Road Rage: Like 'Roid Rage, But I Still Have A Big Dick

Now that I've been living in Virginia for about a year and a half, I feel like I have the right to make fun of the state and its dumb inhabitants. What caught my eye more than anything else in this God-forsaken state is the amount of shitty drivers it has. I typically have no control over my emotions. Some might even say I have a "bad temper". Well, when it comes to driving with these shitdicks, the inner lunatic in me comes out. Road rage is a real thing and I feel like within the next 3 years I'll start to see commercials on television for pharmaceutical branded pills to help control road rage. I mean, for Christ's sake, we have pills for Restless Leg Syndrome. The inability to stop moving your legs. Fuck me.



I first truly learned about road rage when I was a sophomore in high school. We had to watch this shitty video in driver's ed about the dangers of driving. Realistically, I don't think there could be a worse time to have people watch about the perils of driving then right before you give someone the ability to drive. For the first time. Ever. So we start watching this video and it's a re-creation of a guy getting pissed off about getting cut off. So he follows the car who cut him off and then catches him and cuts him off! Talk about exhilarating. Next thing you know, they're pulled over and the one guy goes to his trunk and pulls out a crossbow. A fucking crossbow. Boom! Right through his chest. "But you didn't have to cut me offffffffffff."



So that's when I learned about road rage. From a video in driver's ed. And a guy pulls out a crossbow and kills someone who cut him off. I don't care. I get road rage. The worst case of road rage I get, and it's on a consistent basis, is when two cars in front of you, on a two lane road, go the exact same speed, side by side, usually 5 mph below the speed limit, and do so for about 10 miles. Get the fuck out of my way you cockboys! That's the shit that makes me want to drive my car 100 mph into a divider. Am I the only one who gets those urges? Should I consider getting psychiatric help? The answer is no way Jose.



There's also a stereotype that Asians can't drive. But that's not a stereotype. Asians can't drive. Asian men, women, animals, babies, you name it. They can't drive. They all have Honda Accords and drive them like they have mounds of rice shoved up their ass. There's no truer stereotype here in America except for the blacks being lazy. Just kidding Jibril, I love ya bud. Sort of. It's bad enough that the Asia people can't drive in ideal conditions. But if you throw in some rain or snow, good golly! These assholes are driving on highways like they're avoiding a-bombs in Hiroshima. That was insensitive. I lived with an Asian in college and he let me drive his orange Acura all the time. He liked smoking illegal plants. I miss him, but he couldn't drive neither.



Which brings me to my next point. Steroids. All this going on in baseball about so and so using steroids or HGH or adderall or whatever nonsensical PEDs. Who gives a shit really. If they all use them, it's not really cheating is it? The only reason I haven't used steroids yet is because my dick can't get any smaller. I'm twerkin' with a solid 2'' now, what happens when I start poking needles in my ass. It's hard enough (no pun intended) getting other things shoved in there. You think I have the time for needles to go in there too? Yeah right. So in no way are road rage and roid rage remotely close to the same thing. I just needed a reason to talk about the length of my johnson in the title.



I hate driving slow. I hate driving behind someone. I hate when people text and drive, except for me. I hate people who wear bluetooth headsets. I hate using your blinker when changing lanes. I hate waiting at red lights. I hate when people don't yield at a yield. I mostly hate everyone and everything that has to do with driving. If everyone drove like me, the world would be a much better, faster place. You'd get from A to B in like 4 seconds. You wouldn't be a pussy when it comes to rain or snow. And overall, road rage would cease to exist. But since nothing in life happens the way I want it to, I'll still be stuck with this baby dick but nothing will make me stop saying, "I am better than you."

Wiz Khalifa Is As Talented As A Piece Of Shit

"Uh, black stripe, yellow paint

them niggas scared of it, but them ho's ain't

soon as I hit the club look at them ho's face

hit the pedal once, make the floor shake"

So this is a line from 'Black and Yellow.' A song most notably released late in the year 2010. The artist you ask? His name is Wiz Khalifa. Like the wizard of being a piece of shit musician/lyricist/human. I actually read on Wikipedia that he took the khalifa name from an Arabic word meaning "successor". I can assure you that he successfully allowed me to lose all faith in America and others that are a part of my generation. His music fucking blows. I would rather become a hermit with leprosy, a paralyzed diabetic, and a degenerate white trash with AIDS than to listen to any other piece of music that comes out of this guy's mouth. I'm only getting started.

Wiz apparently stands for "wisdom." He was given that name as a child as well because he was good at everything. Everything except for making decent music it seems. I don't know what kind of cocky, inconsiderate dickhead thinks that they are good at everything as a child. Are you even sure what wisdom means? Let me define it for you, you fuckass. Wisdom  - "knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action;sagacity, discernment, or insight." What in God's name do you think you know that is right or just at the age of fucking 10? How to wipe your ass? Why you shouldn't tell on your siblings? Because I personally didn't learn that until I was roughly 17. You are the least wise person in the history of the planet.

I would rather be a miserable, lonely, poor fucking asshole than to go around, parading the US "singing" that song and any other shitty song you've made from when you became the wise successor to now.  I don't even think this is a matter of opinion. It's just a blatant fact. I found it to be entirely too humorous that your musical inspiration as a child came from, wait for it, Jimi Hendrix, Camp Lo, The Notorious B.I.G., and Bone Thugs-n-Harmony. Now I'll admit. I have no idea who the fuck Camp Lo is, but I for sure can tell you who the other 3 are. And you got your inspiration from them? Jimi is probably seizuring in his casket and B.I.G. probably had a fucking stroke or 3. What a goddamn joke.

I could probably think of 3 things associated with the Wiz that are worse than you, but I wouldn't go around mentioning it to people. 1) The Wiz - the black remake of the 'Wizard of Oz', probably the most classical movie ever made in American cinema. But you're no worse than the remake that featured an all-black cast and that child-fucker Michael Jackson, who God bless the world that he's dead. Right idea. Terrible execution in the movie. 2) The Washington Wizards - the epitome of a terrible franchise with dumb ass fans living in the DMV area that think they are so close to being good. I don't think the Wizards/Bullets have been good since 1977. So you got those guys beat out too. 3) The Wiz - but Mike, didn't you already mention The Wiz? Why, yes. Yes, I did. But now I'm talking about the electronics store that featured Derek Jeter and a slogan that said "Nobody beats the Wiz". Except everyone did because they went bankrupt relatively quickly. So fuck the Wiz. 

(several careers lined up at Blockbuster)

And let me just celebrate him for his uncanny ability to reference marijuana in 99% of his outings. Bravo! Who the fuck are you? You sound like a typical 14-year-old high schooler that thinks they're so cool because they smoke pot. You're not fucking cool. It's not that cool to smoke pot. And I think you're a huge pussy because you reference it so much. So what? You smoke pot. Do you want some kind of medal or medallion for your efforts? People have been trying to legalize that shit for a long time now, so don't think you've come up with some incredible idea. Rolling blunts and smoking onstage. How bold of you! I mean, just to think if only something like that happened where people gathered and did drugs for long periods. You could call it something like, I dunno, Woodstock. Great ideas keep unfolding for you!

(mystifying artwork!)

Thank you America and my fellow generational members as you keep promoting this fucking loser of a musician to greater and greater heights. It's because of your non-stop attitude and devotion to becoming more and more uneducated, that people like Wiz Khalifa continue to reap the rewards of being a talentless hack, who can do no more than say black and yellow 100 times in a 3:30 span. I applaud each and every one of you who purchased or illegally downloaded Rolling Papers. You've done the right thing. As for me, I shall continue my reign of superioity. A little expression I like to use that goes something like, "I am better than you."

I Fucking Hate Hipsters

Who decided that it was okay to be a hipster? From the dumb plaid shirts, to the 1970s porn star moustaches, to the skinny girl jeans, to the big fake black-horned rim glasses, finally to cases and cases of PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon). Everything that hipsters do is dumb. Essentially, they are the previous generation's kids who shopped at Hot Topic. Remember what kind of losers shopped at Hot Topic? They sold Marilyn Manson t-shirts, Pink Floyd trucker hats, and coffin backpacks. And these derelicts would go in, buy some spikes as their earrings, hair coloring for their mohawk, and other dumb graphic t-shirts. And they would go to school dressed like fucking idiots and call themselves goths. Then they would get made fun of and explain to the rest of us that they were expressing their individuality and people didn't "understand" them.

Here's what I understand. People don't like you because you suck. You suck big dick. You think you're shopping at Hot Topic to showcase your individuality, but what those idiots failed to realize was that they were actually conforming to the same ideology. Nothing about them was unique. I can see the same thing happening now across the populated parts of the country. Kids showing up to school, claiming they are artsy and how they have such a passion for music and doing liberal things like going to foreign countries and farming for them. Hey dick clowns, find something original to do.

Ever heard of the Peace Corps? You know what they do, right? They go to impoverished countries and utilize the resources in order to make that particular city more viable for the future generations. Going to do some farming work is NOT original, nor does it seem like a lot or any fun. And as far as I'm concerned, we have a lot of farms in America. A whole bunch. Why don't you work on those farms so we can eliminate the pesticides that farmers need to use to make the quota for all the product they have to move? All of our food can become organic and maybe obesity will drop because we won't be eating chemicals. You hipsters are liberals, aren't you? My idea should sound fucking brilliant.

I also never quite understood why it's such a big deal to like things that only you know about. Like the band, Vampire Weekend or some 80s synthesizing band. They've been around for a long time now, but since they've hit the mainstream a bit and "sold-out", they've fallen out of favor with the pussy-boy hipster crowd. I thought people liked things because they actually liked them? Who gives a flying fuck if everyone else likes it too? That should never change your feelings on something if it's completely unwarranted. That's clearly why people don't like hipsters. They've created this image that they are above and beyond everything and everyone else. Go fuck yourselves loser assholes.

And don't get me started with the drug use. As if these dickheads invented marijuana or wild mushrooms. "Let's smoke some pot." No Bill. "Let's do shrooms instead." Dope. Who the fuck do you think you are? Dope? Dope? That word was cool in the 80s. It isn't cool anymore. Stop trying to bring it back. These are also the same virgins that love watching Donnie Darko and trying to unravel all of its deep mysteries. That movie fucking sucks. Jake Gyllenhaal is a terrible fucking actor. Time travel is not real. Neither are talking rabbits named Frank. Stop analyzing that shitty movie and accept it for what it is: Shitty. You fucking pieces of shit are no better than anyone or anything because once again you conformed to society by not conforming. Your taste in things is awful as are your cutoff jorts (jean shorts). Grow up and be yourself for once. I've always been myself because "I am better than you."

Marijuana: America's Seemingly Favorite Plant

If I gave you one million dollars to name 25 of the 50 State Flowers, could you do it? I doubt it seriously. The reason I doubt it? Because unless you're a botanist or stegosaurus, you don't give a shit about plants. But I know of one plant that most Americans as well as humans around the globe do know about. That plant is cannabis, most commonly referred to as marijuana. There are way too many other names that it goes by so I'll leave Ali G to give you all the fun names. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdmuVS7O6FY...skip to about 4:23 or watch the whole thing) Since this isn't history class I'll only tell you that its use goes back as far as the 3rd millenium BC. Whoa that's a long time.

For most people growing up, they aren't made aware of marijuana until they reach high school. At least that's how it was for me. And since I'm too much of a pussy, I never tried it either. But I was friends with some kids who smoked "pot" and they were decent individuals. But as a child I was always taught that marijuana is a "gateway drug", one that opens the gates for more intense drug use down the road. That's why I always played sports. My mom wanted to keep me as far away from the streets as she could. Looks like it worked because I haven't touched it. Plus, it's illegal.

Then I went to college. College is fun. You get to hook up with girls, drink until your liver implodes, experiment with friends, and justify using recreational drugs. Your parents aren't around to tell you what to do and you cross that boundary of making your own decisions. Well I decided to yet again not smoke it. That doesn't mean I didn't like the people who did. Some of my closest friends that I made in college liked smoking the reefer on very non-monumental occasions. I was oblivious and didn't know what 4/20 was. As far as I knew, it was the 20th of April. But it's like pot-smoking day or something. Whatever.

And who woulda thunk that a majority of people I know parents still smoke to this day! All of our parents are typically around the same age, between 50-65. So that means they were very alive for Woodstock. That was when drug use was somewhat okay and hippies shot out of the woodwork. Tie-dye and all that other horrendous shit that people still think is cool today. Even the Beatles did some drugs, evidenced by their album Revolver amongst others. So once upon a time drug use was cool. That's why it makes sense that we're all a little off the rocker. We're like drug babies or something.

In spite of my disinterest in marijuana, I think it should be made legal. With the whirlpool of shit our economy is in right now, it just might be the jumpstart we need. California got the ball rolling by legalizing it and look at them. A financial juggernaut. But, not really. I think with a little bit of tweaking we can make this work. We can set up stands on street corners, or get the ends of long buildings and supply the stuff out of there. Maybe we can even get the prostitutes involved somehow in a two-for-one deal. But that's for another blog post. Take out your blunts and smoke it up because "I am better than you."