Online Dating Sucks And You Shouldn't Do It

Since it's 2015 and people don't live under rocks anymore, chances are if you're a forever alone, like me, you've tried your hand in online dating. There are lots and lots of different online dating sites and apps. There's ones for casual dating, like Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, and Tinder. There's ones for semi-serious dating, like Match, EHarmony, and Zoosk. And lastly, you have the super serious ones, like JDate, Farmers Only, and Grindr. I've tried my hand in almost all of these sites and boy do I have some observations I'd like to share.

First of all, for the casual dating sites, I almost suggest not even bothering trying. Every profile I've ever come across, studied, stalked pictures of, are all the same. Girls will routinely post the following: "looking for my partner in crime" "I loveeeeeeeeee to travel and am looking for someone to travel with me (aka pay for my airfare/hotel/shopping)" "looking for a good reason to finally delete this" "I'm a foodie, and I love to eat" "I have an average body" "Just ask". Now this isn't every profile I've ever come across, but I'd say it's a solid 95%. And I must not forget about "not looking to play games. I want something real" What the fuck does that even mean?

I don't what playing games mean. Are we talking about Connect Four or Trouble? Maybe Monopoly, are those the games you're talking about? I never understood it and at this point, I'm too afraid to even ask. I also don't know why females need someone to commit crimes with them. For how much they worry about what I do for a living and how much money I make, they sure seem intent on sending me to jail. Partner in crime? What, do you want to go rob a bank? Maybe break-in to some houses? Sorry lady. I'm not participating with you. Additionally, average body/curvy also means fat. But I guess if you write that you're fat, skinny, handsome guys like myself will have zero interest in creating conversation or offspring with you.

This leads me to the semi-serious dating sites. I joined EHarmony under the influence of alcohol and my sister's nudging. Let me start by saying it was the worst $180 I ever spent. I don't know what possessed me into thinking spending money on a dating site was a good idea. I could just go to the bar and pick up a hog with a great personality for free. But since I'm a virgin, I hold myself to unrealistic, high standards. I just hope that if someone is reading this and they are on the fence about joining a site like that, don't. I had checked every day, obviously because I paid for it just to see nothing changing. There were girls on there who hadn't been on the site for over 30 days (because they didn't show any further than that). You could send messages to every girl you "match" with and never get a response back. For girls who are incredibly desperate, they sure as shit don't act like it on these sites.

I didn't have much success with Tinder because I didn't send funny puns that led to 5 more texts and then a drop off the face of the Earth. I didn't have pictures of myself with my shirt off in the mirror or pretending to lift heavy weights in the gym. I'm just a normal fucking guy who was casually trying to meet cute females. No luck. Tinder is lame as fuck. And really, Netflix and chill? That shit works? How long does my dick need to be in order to pull that off? Zero one-night stands using the aforementioned dating sites.

So I tried my hand at Grindr. I heard lots of great things about it. People tend to meet a lot of people on there and the hookups seem to be in huge droves. So I log in and all I see is guys. I'm scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. No girls. Just guys. And they all appear to be gay. I know because one of them messaged me asking to suck my weiner. I was flattered, but I'm looking for some bush. Grindr DEFINITELY is not for the straights. JDate is mostly for Jewish people, and Farmers Only is surprisingly only for farmers. So that's some prejudiced bullshit right there.

6 dating websites. 0 successes. I've realized I have to just get setup with someone from work. A friend of a friend. My cousin. Wait for one of my sister's friends to get divorced and they're on the rebound. That's the only real hope I seem to have. It's either that or going to the bar, getting drunk, and hoping that the girls enjoy my calling them Obama or Sotomayor. So far, that's been strike-out city for me. If you happen to know anyone who is desperate, shy, got a big fat booty, likes jigsaw puzzles, and cuddling, be sure to send her to my blog or Twitter. All's I'llend up telling her is "I am better than you."

Google+ Can Shove Their Lack Of An Invite To Me Up Their Ass

The new craze in life the past couple of weeks has been Google+. G+ is a social media site that lets you network with other real people and do the same exact shit as Facebook. Everyone on my Facebook and Twitter is blowing it up describing how cool it is. For some reason I would say a majority of them are full of shit. Not in describing it's coolness, but the idea that they actually have an account. When I logged onto the website it described in vivid detail about needing to have been invited and how it was in the trial stages and that soon everyone would be open to joining it. So not all of you were lucky enough to get the invite. I'm sure of it. But anyway Google, I don't want to join your stupid social media site anyway. So take that.

Remember back in like 2004-2005 when this social media site was created called "MySpace?" And with this website you would create your own space (clever) with glitz and glamour and music playing in the background. And then people would add you and then you could write shit on their page and have some quality back and forth. I remember thinking it was the dumbest piece of shit idea I had ever seen. I was in a computer class in high school and all the kids were sitting there on MySpace writing on each other's pages. I'm not quite sure they realized that they were sitting next to each other and could talk just as effectively, if not better. I never had a MySpace.

And then by time my senior year rolled around some craze called Facebook had taken the reins and was apparently the coolest thing ever. Facebook was pretty much the exact same thing as MySpace, but featured less customization on your profile page, a shit-ton more pictures, and a network that allowed you the ability to connect with some of your college classmates before you even got to college. I have to admit, I was pretty damn excited when I got my college email address because that finally meant that I would be able to sign up for it. And in the old days of Facebook, you were allowed to stalk people who were in your network and look at their pictures and see how many people were writing on their wall. And then it took a turn for the worse.

Facebook started adding privacy settings and newsfeeds and other dumb things. It was slowly, but surely becoming more and more like MySpace. The only thing that still separated it was the inability to add color schemes and blasting shitty techno music on your profile. But all the other little doodads were available. And since that time, MySpace has fallen off the face of the earth. It was sold a bunch of years ago for something like $400 million and Justin Timberlake just recently bought it for $20 million or so. So in just a few short years MySpace became obsolete. The only thing I see that it has going for them is that it's a good place for new and up-and-coming musicians to try and get some sort of following. That's all.

I think I see Facebook falling down that same path in just a few short years. I understand that Facebook is much bigger than MySpace could have ever dreamed, but when new startups are coming out almost every single week or month or year, it's going to be tough to keep on top. Look at Microsoft. From the early 80s to 2007, it was the premiere computer company. It reigned supreme by such a wide margin, that antitrust and monopolization lawsuits were thrown at them on a seemingly daily basis. Now Apple is the shit. Microsoft is losing more money than it ever would have imagined. Every empire must eventually fall. And in due time, Facebook will go down. Maybe to Google+.

But what bothers me about the whole thing is that they released it in a trial basis. If you are gauging to see what the interest level will be, go all in or not at all. I hate people and ideas that take babysteps. Shit or get off the pot. And don't tell me that I don't have the privilege of signing up yet. And that it's by invite only. That's some real bullshittttttttt. And I'm not just bitter and angry. I just want to have the same opportunities as everyone else. Why did Google make them the chosen few and not me? Don't they know that "I am better than you."

Let's Lay Off Of Casey Anthony Because Now You're Starting To Piss Me Off

So as it turns out, after a month long trial or however the fuck long it was, Casey Anthony was found NOT GUILTY of 1st degree murder. I've never seen such an outcry from people who have no involvment in the case whatsoever. Facebook statuses such as "Not guilty...unbelievable." "Way to screw up, U.S. legal system." "Even OJ knows she was guilty." How fucking pathetic of a human are you? How can you even begin to say that she is/was guilty? I'd almost guarantee that not one person I know has had any physical contact with the case or anyone from the jury. Or the attorneys. Or the child. Don't get me wrong. What happened to that little girl is a very tragic and disheartening ordeal. But let's not stone Casey Anthony to death because YOU think she's guilty. You are shit.

When you look at the case from an outsiders viewpoint, it's hard to imagine Casey being innocent. The night her daughter went missing, she was out clubbing and drinking and getting tattoos. Most normal people, all normal people, who've lost a child will be running around looking for that child until they collapse. I mean, it's your kid for Christ's sake. That's not a traditional way to respond to your daughter's disappearance. And when the media and police were asking her questions, she didn't seem too upset about her disappearance. From the outside it looked as if she was guilty and didn't give a fuck. But she was just tried and found innocent. Let's move on.

I didn't follow the trial. Not one hour, one minute, or even one second. It doesn't have any effect on me whatsoever and my watching it wouldn't contribute to anything changing. I don't have any children so I don't know the emotional charge I would get from losing one. But I could imagine it being really really difficult. Does that make me a piece of shit though? Because I don't care about the trial? We've taken on this idea in America that we must care about the celebrity. That's why trashy magazines like US Weekly, and Star, and People are booming. We must know what they are doing at all times. We must!

So just like OJ Simpson had the eyes of America in 94-95, Casey Anthony managed to attract all of our eyes in 2011. The only difference between the two is that Anthony wasn't an All-Pro running back who is considered one of the greatest of all time. Casey Anthony is a zero. A loser. A nobody. Somebody sold this story to the media at the moment it happened and it snowballed into something much greater. I don't know the exact numbers, but I'm almost certain that there are a boatload of children that go missing every single year. And I'd venture a guess that most of them end up dead. And it's really sad and devastating, but what made this story so important? I don't know.

In reality, I wish people would just relax. Instead of wishing her a cruel life and an eventual trip to hell, let's trust that the legal system was correct. Let's go on the notion that there was not enough evidence to convict her of 1st degree murder. I hate people who wish terrible, negative things on another. Who the fuck are you to hope that she rots in hell for the rest of her life? What if she really was only negligent and endangered her child? What if she didn't actually murder her? Will you take back all the harsh things you wished upon her? I doubt it because you're all hypocrites. Me included. Just like that fat fucking piece of shit Nancy Grace, who thought all the Duke lacrosse players who "allegedly" raped that prostitute were preppy, spoiled rich brats who get away with anything they want. Where was her apology after we found out that the prostitute lied? Nowhere to be found. But let's not crucify her. If she did actually do it, karma will strike. I believe it. But that's not for us to worry about. So stop fucking complaining about it. I won't because "I am better than you."

How To Make This Memorial Day Weekend Fun, Fun, Fun

It's that time again. The unofficial kickoff to the summer. Back when I was in high school we would go down to the shore, rent a hotel/motel for the weekend, kick back, and drink some beer. Lots and lots of beer. Of course, I don't condone such behavior because I was a wayyyy mature 17-year-old. Now it seems as I get a little bit older, it's losing its luster. I'm no longer sleeping in a bed with 4 other people passed out drunk. Nor am I vomiting on those 4 people. Instead I go to friends' houses and sit and relax and barbecue and calmly drink beers. It's amazing what can happen in 6 years time. So I've taken the liberty to concoct all the ways that you can still have fun this weekend.

1.) Stop updating what you're doing on Facebook - I don't know how many updates I've seen for the past week or two about people proclaiming their excitement for this impending weekend. I don't give a fuck that your are going to Bethany Beach, Dewey Beach, OBX (Outer Bankxxx), Miami, Las Vegas, or wherever the fuck else you bothered me with. Facebook is a social medium thats intended use is so I can stalk your pictures. Or your previous boyfriends. I don't need to see the constant updates about how excited you are. Fuck you.

2.) Stop updating what you're doing on Twitter - Same deal. But this time it bothers me more. Stop ranting about how much packing you have to do. As far as I'm concerned, MDW is a 4-day weekend, tops. How much shit are you fucking packing? Do you plan on moving to the beach? If so, I could give two shits less. I like going on Twitter to see people make fun of some random person they don't know. Or for some philosophical shit. Not your play-by-play as to how the traffic is, where you are going, who's going with you. None of it. If I'm not involved, I don't fucking care. So leave Twitter alone. Please.

(So really the first two were for my sake, and I'm pretty much the only one who matters, so...)

3.) Avoid your parents at all costs - Unless your parents are fun as shit, which I doubt, exclude them from all of your plans. Actually, I think you should go the extra mile to ensure that you are somewhere that they won't be. I don't want to have family time, I don't want to sit and eat Chilean Sea Bass from the grill and drink wine coolers, I don't want to eat your organic, nitrates-free hot dogs, and I don't want to listen about your problems. I would prefer to be with my friends, making everyone feel awkward as I describe the parts of the male genitalia, and get hammer-drunk. These are things I can't do if mommy and daddy are around. The same reasons probably apply to you.

4.) Bring condoms - They say that the most pregnancies occur each year on Memorial Day Weekend. People are so excited for the summer that they are willing to have sex with anything that has a pulse and two legs. That's good news for me because I am ready, willing, and able. Plus, they are probably really slutty and will let you do anything you want to them. In that Kanye West/Katy Perry "E.T." song when he raps "And then Imma probe you" he has to be referring the butthole right? Every alien abduction case I ever read about includes an anal probing, not a vaginal or oral one. Well to get back on point, I think most of the girls will be up for probing this weekend as well. So add "lubrication" to your list that includes condoms.

5.) Just get hammer drunk - Even if you get stuck with your parents, everything is better when you're hammer drunk. It's even better when you're with friends. Anything can happen when everyone is smashed. Games of "Kings" in which people are getting naked, girls going to pee in laundry rooms because they are that out of it, pissing yourself, sleeping on a trampoline. All these things are possible and likely if you black out with your friends and have a group sleepover. Group sleepovers are underrated and that's usually when the most fun occurs. So it would be in your best interest to sleep with all of your friends and hope for the best. That's why we went to college, duh.

This MDW I will be alone in my room playing Dungeons & Dragons being bitter that everyone is having so much fun and having sex and being drunk and updating their Twitter and Facebook about how much fun they are having. But it will all be thanks to me that you are having that much fun. All because you read my blog and got some ideas. Ideas that only I could think of because "I am better than you."