If You're Fat, You're Disgusting. Don't Be Fat And Disgusting

Let me paint the picture. Sitting in the living room on a Friday night, around 10:15pm. To your right, your mom. In front of you, the television. What's on? Say Yes to the Dress or #SYTTD. Why am I watching this on a Friday night instead of drinking at a bar? Easy. I have no friends or money. But something occurred during this episode that infuriated me. There was a disgustingly obese women crying about how the store didn't have any dresses that fit her or ones that showed too much of her tits. I then made a comment, aloud. "What a fat disgusting slob." My mother's retort was what incensed me. "Not everyone can be a skinny mini." That is categorically untrue.

I used to work in two separate offices that were located higher than the first floor. They both, coincidentally, were on the 5th floor. At this point in time, I stopped working out and gave up on doing any and all physical activities. I ate like shit, I drank a lot, and I smoked cigarettes. But, I walked up the steps to my workplace on the 5th floor every day. It was the least I could do. I bring this up because nothing angered me more than individuals, fat or skinny, that would take that elevator on the 5th level down ONE floor. ONE. Walking down stairs is not nearly as physically daunting as going up stairs. But these lazy pieces of shit couldn't manage to go down ONE floor. This is why America is obese.

Back to why everyone CAN be a skinny mini. I hate the bullshit argument that some people are pre-disposed to a "fat gene" that causes them to be obese. Or that it takes a lot of effort for them to lose weight. I don't buy it. But let's say that it is true, is it okay for us to ridicule them for being lazy then? I love fried chicken. I think it's one of the greatest things in the whole world. But instead of eating a 12pc mixed bucket from Popeyes, maybe I'll eat 3. Instead of drinking a 2 liter bottle of Coke, or obese people's favorite (Diet Coke), drink water. Like 8 cups a day. And have the fat's heard of something called exercise? Anyone can do it.

"But I work 9-5 and when I get home I'm too tired". Well maybe being single, sleeping alone, and weighing 250lbs is a wake up call. "But I can't afford to go to the gym. It's very expensive." The last time I checked, running was free. It's one of the few great exercises that costs literally nothing. You can do it anywhere in the world. You can run in the cold. You can run in the heat. You can't run on ice. I suppose you could, but you're going to have a bad time. Too fat to start off running? Jog. Too fat to jog? Walk. Too fat to walk? Stop eating. It's unbecoming and off-putting to see fat people because it's the one thing they can control.

I can understand if you're ugly. It's really expensive to get plastic surgery. Face wash can be expensive. Proactiv is for adolescent assholes and desperate celebrities. So if you're ugly, well sorry there isn't much hope for you. But being fat? It's 100% preventable, curable, treatable. All you need is a little bit of motivation.  Maybe get a treadmill. Put a picture of Ryan Gosling in front of you like a carrot on a string. Chase him. Chase something. But don't tell me there isn't anything you can do about being fat and obese and disgusting. At my fattest peak, I weighed 190lbs. Not crazy big, but I weighed 155lbs for roughly 7 years. I stopped eating fast food. I stopped drinking soda. I started by running 1 mile a day 5 days a week. Added a 1/2 mile every week until I got to 8 miles. I ate mixed nuts instead of potato chips. I ate grilled chicken instead of fried. I ate a salad and fruit instead of starburst and skittles. I'm down to 160lbs. Fuck off, fat.

Now I don't condone shaming fat people to their face. In this day and age of hypersensitivity and political correctness (thanks Obama) to anything and everything and people killing themselves as an escape, I prefer the passive aggressive route. Write a couple of paragraphs about how fat people disgust you. How they make excuses as to why they're fat. How, of all things, being skinny is something ANYONE can achieve. Are some people more inclined to be skinny based on their genetics? Absolutely. But, again, ANYONE can get skinny. Not by getting lapband surgery. Not by getting gastric bypass surgery. Not by drinking 2 liters of Diet Coke a day. By eating right and exercising. Especially because exercise is free. Walking, running, jogging, crunches, squats, push-ups, sit-ups, lunges. All free. So stop being fat and obese and disgusting. Start getting fit and healthy and skinny. ANYONE can be a skinny mini. And don't forget, I am better than you.

The Top 5 Reasons You Should Consider These Plastic Surgeries

I'm pretty confident that when you look in the mirror all you see is garbage. Being insecure is really popular nowadays and seemingly the cool thing to do. The percentage of people going under the knife has increased ten-fold in the last 15 years. I just made up that statistic, but it sounds so good that I'm sticking with it. And due to increased technology, the number of things you can fix on your despicable bodies is nearly endless. Since I care about all of you so much, I took time out of my busy schedule to compile the top 5 reasons you should consider these plastic surgeries, in order of importance. You can thank me later.

5. Suction-assisted lipectomy (liposuction) - I only put this at number 5 because I think being fat is great. I know I wrote about how obese people are disgusting and shouldn't have the right to vote and so on and so forth, but they need some love too. My father once told me, "The fatter they are, the more love to give." I'm not quite sure if that was to be taken literally, but based on the size of my stepmother, I suppose it was. Still if you aren't comfortable in your rags, and since summer is coming up, liposuction works wonders for the body. It eliminates fat from the abdominal region and fools people into thinking you're attractive. All in all, a solid choice.

(Before After)

4. Lip enhancement - This should be considered for women only. When I was in 7th grade, one of my classmates got DSL. It's an acronym for Direct Satellite Link and it was the new wave of broadband internet service. I think at the time I was still living in the Stone Age without any sort of computer, nevermind dial-up. Regardless, DSL has come to mean so much more in my later years of living. DSL stands for, "Dick Sucking Lips" and from what I hear, the bigger, the better. So if a girl can increase her value in the dating market by boasting the size of her lips, go for it. Look what it did for Nicole Kidman.

(Can you say, Clown College?)

3. Labiaplasty - Again. Women only. But this time because men don't have labia, or labii, whatever the plural is, at least any that I know. And the best candidates for this surgery are porn stars, really really slutty girls, and new moms who recently ejected their children from there. The fortunate thing about this is only people you bang out will know whether you need this or not. It isn't visible to the naked eye unless you have x-ray vision or something cool like that. Also, nobody is going to be a dick and tell you to your face that your labia need reconstruction. So us guys talk about it behind your back. Just make sure your puss-puss doesn't look like minced roast beef. I can't show a photo because it's inappropriate, something I definitely am not.

2. Mammoplasty (Breast augmentation) (Tit job) - This is easily the most identifiable of all the plastic surgeries. Men seem to notice immediately when a girl gets her boobies done. Especially if she goes from an A cup to a C or D. And it's funny because cup size and school grades are the complete opposite. A's in school are good. A's in tits are bad. Vice versa with D's. But there's a huge risk in filling those mammory glands with saline or silicone. What if your new boobs look like basketballs really far apart from one another? What if the nipples aren't proportional to the rest of the boob? What if you lose sensitivity to the nipple? All this must be taken into consideration before 98% of America considers you more attractive. I still like em normal, but that's just a correct opinion.

(Hello bad boob job)

1. Rhinoplasty (Nose job) - I don't think there's much of an argument here. Nose jobs are about as common as breathing. And getting one can actually be socially accepted by using the excuse of a deviated septum. I'm pretty confident that 100% of celebs and ordinary folk who play the deviated septum card don't even know what it is. Yet, we all take it for fact. But just like titty jobs, the nose job is easily identifiable considering people's faces are always visible. Plus, who wants to kiss somebody when you have to worry about getting smacked around by their giant nose? Not this guy. No way Jose. So do us all a favor and fix that schnoz because it's making me naseous.

(Vast improvement)

Voila! I just saved you so much time in researching all the flaws you need to get fixed. I don't know where you are going to come up with the money to fix said problems, but don't look to me for it. I just provided the advice. Now you can all be attractive and can thank me for it. I don't need any work, though because already, "I am better than you."