Because Your Kiss, Your Kiss, Is On My List

The story you're about to read is 100% true. Some of the names may have been changed to protect their identities.

Have you ever felt like a loser because you can't hook up with chicks? Because when you go to the bar and start hitting on girls you don't know what to do except scream "Nancy Pelosi" at them? Well you're in luck because I'm about to describe my first kiss. And by kiss I mean makeout. Like with tongues and stuff. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 18 years old! What? Yep. I was 18 in human years. Probably the oldest person out of anyone I've ever come across in my life. But it all worked out for me in the end, sort of.

Let me take you back a little so you can get a full understanding of who I am and what kind of a pussy I was/am. I went to private school from age 5 to 18. My entire life. The first school I went to shut down because of a lack of funding/small enrollment. I then transferred to a new school in 2nd grade. There were about 25 kids in my class, give or take. But once I hit the 5th grade, some of the kids started leaving. Some because they moved. Some because they were probably poor. And some because the school sucked dick. By the time I hit the 6th grade (which is full on puberty in case you didn't know), I was stuck with 4 girls in my class. 14 total kids, 4 girls. 4.

I always had a thing for one of the girls. Let's call her Paige. She and I used to talk on the phone. I'd go over to her house to play Uno with her mom. Heck, we even slow-danced multiple times at our school-sponsored dances. I called it the Frankenstein dance. Hands on shoulders, hands on waist, and sway side-to-side. The good ole days. She used to come to some of my baseball games. I used to sing her Backstreet Boys songs on the phone. I'll never break your hearttttttttt. I'll never make you cryyyyyyyyyyy. It was pretty great. We started to get older. I wanted to do more stuff, like hold hands and touch her boobs. She wanted to go meet the world outside our private school. I can't blame her. I was a dime compared to the other trolls in that classroom. But also a dime in everyday life too.

We get to the 8th grade, still friends, but she's dated a few other boys at this point. The other girls in my class, Jessica, Lisa, and Jennifer - we'll call them, were nothing to look at. Lisa and Jennifer were fraternal twins who only spoke to each other and in their "inside voices". Jessica looked like a rabid dog. I didn't have much to work with. Unfortunately, Lisa and Jennifer ended up leaving the school in 8th grade to be homeschooled because of how they were "bullied". Compared to the kids of today, I guess you can say they were bullied. We would purposely aim at their heads during gym when we played running bases, or dodgeball, or anything that included a ball. Usually once per week, one of them ended up at the nurse because they got blasted with a ball to the head. We were cruel.

That left me with 2 girls and about 0 chance of smooching either before I got to high school. Fine. I'll meet lots and lots of people in high school and most of them will be girls and hot and slutty because it's a Catholic school. I wasn't far off once I got to high school. There were a lot of girls and a lot of them were attractive and slutty. But now I'm 14. I haven't felt a boob. I haven't open-mouth kissed someone. Pressure is mounting. I decide I should probably make some friends. So I did. I made a good amount of friends. Most of which I met through class, or detention, or baseball. I started to fit in. I made some friends. I got invited to do things. I knew a few of the football players. I knew a few of the cheerleaders. I knew a pretty solid amount of people. Something was bound to come along.

I become friends with a guy named "Steve". Steve was dating Aleshia and she used to provide oral comforts to him. I was jelly. I became pretty good friends with both of them and after several months, I ended up sabotaging their relationship for my own personal gain. I was 15 and a piece of shit. Sue me. I was the friend she needed to console her. Steve was in a minor tailspin. But all I kept thinking was, man, I've gotta smooch this chick. Never happened. She dated someone new. No love lost, at least I don't think. That's wrapping up my sophomore year. I'm 16 and still no kisses on my mouth. I start to panic.

One of the cheerleaders, "Daniella", pulls me aside right before my track practice. At this point, those close to me knew I was a virgin kisser. And also a regular virgin too. Word started to spread around that I never kissed a girl. So Daniella says to me, real slyly, "Hey, if you want, I'll make out with you. It's not that big a deal." I also want to point out that Daniella is one of the prettiest girls, not only in my grade, but probably the entire school. I'm not sure if I heard her correctly because all I said was "Yeah, sure" and went to track practice. That conversation never came up again. But not to be outdone by my own stupidity, later that same year "Krystal" tells me the exact same thing. Except this time, I have it written out to me in the form of an IM on AIM. Krystal was also a very attractive girl who was on the dance team. I told a friend of mine about her proposal. He goes back to ask her, and guess what happened next? Virgin-kisser going into my senior year.

I should point out that during my junior year, when I fucked up getting kisses, I went to a handful of parties. I once even got hammered at a party with a girl from a different school while playing Kings. She was so drunk, that she showed everyone her boobs. I don't remember her name, but they were the first real-life boobs I saw. Still didn't manage to makeout with the drunk girl who showed her boobs at a party. But back to senior year. Time is running out. If all else fails during the course of the year, I've got prom. People tend to have the intercourse at prom. I was just hoping to make kisses. I didn't. My senior year was a lot less exciting than my junior year. I feel like I peaked when I was 17. I lost all hope. I never thought I was going to kiss a human girl. Until Steve hooked it upppppppppppp.

Steve's family owned a beach house. The first time we went to his beach house, we got super drunk and that's pretty much it. It wasn't until the last weekend I was in New Jersey before college, that things got exciting. Steve invited myself and Dave to go to his house right before I left. Conveniently, three other girls we knew were going to be down the shore that same weekend. "Katie, Emily, and Liz" stayed at Emily's relative's house. It was a Friday night and the drinks started pouring a wee bit early. I call Katie to see what she's up to and they decided that they were going to drink early too! Can you see where this is heading? The three men go to pick up the three girls. They are silly drunk. Silly drunk is the level right before crying drunk.

We start playing beer pong. We start playing Kings. There is lots of drinking going on. One thing that always happens when you're drunk is a case of the munchies. Similar to when one smokes the marijuanas. Now I don't remember which of the girls said it, but one of them said that they'd make out with each other if we made them some Pizza Rolls. We bought a bag of 100 Pizza Rolls because we knew we had a long, eventful weekend ahead of us. Naturally, we agreed to this. We'll make some Pizza Rolls, you make out. So Emily and Liz start making out. Katie and Emily start making out. Katie and Liz start making out. Steve, Dave, and myself are watching. Dave goes in. Dave is making out with Katie. Dave is making out with Emily. Steve is making out with Liz. Steve is making out with Emily. Where is Mike???? Mike starts making out with Liz. 18 years old, 1 week before college. I get my first makeout. We're sharing Pizza Rolls. Liz shows us her boobs. All is right with the world.

I get to go to college not feeling like a complete fucking pussy. But I haven't even given the kicker yet. Liz, the first girl I ever made out with in my human life, turns out to be a lesbian. So, I'm not so sure to this day if she even wanted the Pizza Rolls or if she just wanted to make out with the other girls. My first kiss came from a lesbian. A lesbian. So before you think you're pathetic. That your life sucks. That you'll die a virgin, Just remember me. Multiple chances. Multiple idiotic choices. One kiss when I was 18. If it can happen to me, it could happen to you. But on second thought, it probably wouldn't because I am better than you.

100

I finally made it to 100. I can't even say that it's because of all my readers. Because I'm not getting any compensation for this and I still continue to write whether I have 4 people reading it or 400. But don't get me wrong. The more people reading it, the more I enjoy writing it. Today I want to talk about myself (shocking) in a little more detail. Things you may or may not really know about me.

I started writing the blog because of long-term relationship coming to an end. It was a really difficult time in my life because it meant so much to me. So much that I didn't know what to do with myself. So I started writing. The more I could get my mind off of her, the better for me. 99 posts later and now I'm writing for myself. Because I'm better than that.

A bout 41 readers a day is what I average. It started out around 80, 90, even at times hitting 100 in the day. I'm not quite sure if people got tired of reading my rants or if they just wait for the week to finish and read them all at once. Or they just unfriend me on Facebook because I pollute their newsfeed and stop reading altogether. Assholes.

M y first kiss was at the age of 18. 18 years old before I finally made out with a girl. Jesus Christ that was only 5 years ago. I've come a long way since then. I've been to strip clubs, drank absurd amounts of alcohol, drove to Kansas, got a job, and fell in love. I don't know if I could have dreamed of any of those things happening 5 years ago. But look at me. Continuing on the beat and path trying to excel some more at life.

B utts. And legs. Not so much boobs. What are parts of a female that I enjoy looking at? Ding ding ding ding! I was asked a very important question this weekend. "What do you find attractive on girls?" Well, I've got to be attracted to their face. They have to have a nice, big butt. And they most certainly don't have to be big-chested. Because with a big chest comes a big head and then you have girls thinking they are hot as fuck and could do anything they want. Sorry girls. Boobs are only nice sometimes.

E veryone pisses me off. I used to believe that I liked everyone. That I was a social butterfly. That being around people made me happy. But then I found out that I hate just about everyone. People do stupid shit that annoys me and always will. There are probably 20 people in the entire world that I could be around where I don't want to puncture my eyes and eardrums with a spear. Everyone else can suck it.

T here are way too many supporters of Obama. I can't be ignorant enough to say that George W. Bush was a good president. Because the truth of the matter is he was probably the worst thing that ever happened to our country. I'm a true Patriot. I love living here. If I could choose to live anywhere in the world, it would be the USA. But I don't like that our President spends his time on the radio with Ryan Seacrest and deems it necessary to go on SportsCenter filling out his college bracket every year. Do your job, Nobama.

T hings are finally starting to look up for me. It's been a wild 7 months. From the end of a friendship/relationship, to the passing of my grandmother, to the arrival of my best friend from Turkey, to several interviews to real jobs. Any day now I could have a full-time job and make some money to pay off my loans and get the fuck out of New Jersey. With a little bit of wishful thinking, maybe I can finally be happy.

E xtraterrestrials are real. I wrote a whole piece on how I believe in alien life and that if you don't believe in it, you must be some kind of moron. The universe is almost neverending and to think that we are the only living organisms is just plain stupid. I don't know if they've actually made it to Earth, but who's to say really? I just hope they don't take over the world like they did in The X-Files.

R onnie was the name of the first girl I ever had a crush on. Yep. Ronnie. Of course it was a boy's name. But she was a summer camp counselor at the Boys & Girls Club and she was the prettiest girl in the whole wide world. I was such a sweetheart as a kid too that she probably thought I was adorable. Adorable in the same way that her stuffed animals were adorable. But it didn't matter. I got to talk to her often. It must be where I learned to spit game.

T he most fun I ever had may have been in Kansas. The night started off with 7 of us. It eventually narrowed down to 4. There was lots of drinking, people getting shoved into pools with their clothes on, sitting in the back of a truck passing around a handle of Sir Francis Drake and watching the sunrise. It's weird how you can sometimes pinpoint one night as a really terrific fucking night. I could give you a play-by-play 3 years later.

H ave you ever eaten seafood? A question that I have been asked on more than one occassion. The answer is technically yes. I once had a piece of breaded shrimp in exchange for something. Since I'm not a total piece of shit, I'm not going to say what it was, but it was definitely worth it. I don't like the smell of fish, I don't like the texture of it when I feel it with my fingers, and yes I like to eat the same boring shit day after day. Sue me. I'm a boring guy what can I say.

A nybody who tells you "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is not a good movie, is somebody that you can't trust. Not only is it creeping up on my all-time favorite movie list, but it helps me feel better about myself for about 2 hours. There's just something about watching movies or television shows where the main character is moping around feeling sorry for themselves because they got dumped that tickles my pickle. Maybe I can relate.

N ever have I ever lied about something I wrote about. Ok, that's a lie. But mostly everything I write about in my blog are factual things. Things that I have either encountered in real life or thought about while lounging around being unemployed. Sometimes I lie because it makes the story sound a little bit funnier. At least I think it does. For example, I'm not actually a virgin, but you'd have to be a dummy to think that was any part truthful. Or is it?

Y . A. Tittle was a Hall of Fame quarterback for the Giants, Colts, and 49ers. I know a lot of shit about sports, music, movies, television, and all sorts of other trivia. In fact, I would say it's the only thing I consider myself to be great at. Knowing a shit ton of information about things that will never get me laid or employed. But at least I'm using my brain for something, right?

O nce I feel asleep while driving. I was in the middle lane of a major highway and I woke up in the left lane about 3 feet from the divider. That was probably the scariest moment of my entire life. Going about 55 mph on the highway, only to fall asleep and wake back up right before I would have crushed it. The windows were opened, my face was smacked, and then I made it home. Scary, scary shit.

U nion Station was the last place I was happy. The last two occassions I have been there have been for positive reasons. The first time I said goodbye, I thought it was only a temporary one. Things would have been a lot different for me had I known that would be the last time I'd see you. But no use dwelling on the past and things I can't control. I hope you are reading this. The other time was just this weekend. Seeing all of my friends at the same time and just being genuinely happy. But I know I'll see them again and I can only hope that it will be soon.

Did you learn anything new about me? Did you even care? I appreciate those of you who come everyday to read what I have to say. I even respect those of you who come once a week and catch up on everything. This is my 100th post and I'm happy to strive for another 100. Help make this blog the 167,785th most popular blog on Blogspot. Than for sure I will know that "I am better than you."

The Top 5 Reasons You Should Consider These Plastic Surgeries

I'm pretty confident that when you look in the mirror all you see is garbage. Being insecure is really popular nowadays and seemingly the cool thing to do. The percentage of people going under the knife has increased ten-fold in the last 15 years. I just made up that statistic, but it sounds so good that I'm sticking with it. And due to increased technology, the number of things you can fix on your despicable bodies is nearly endless. Since I care about all of you so much, I took time out of my busy schedule to compile the top 5 reasons you should consider these plastic surgeries, in order of importance. You can thank me later.

5. Suction-assisted lipectomy (liposuction) - I only put this at number 5 because I think being fat is great. I know I wrote about how obese people are disgusting and shouldn't have the right to vote and so on and so forth, but they need some love too. My father once told me, "The fatter they are, the more love to give." I'm not quite sure if that was to be taken literally, but based on the size of my stepmother, I suppose it was. Still if you aren't comfortable in your rags, and since summer is coming up, liposuction works wonders for the body. It eliminates fat from the abdominal region and fools people into thinking you're attractive. All in all, a solid choice.

(Before After)

4. Lip enhancement - This should be considered for women only. When I was in 7th grade, one of my classmates got DSL. It's an acronym for Direct Satellite Link and it was the new wave of broadband internet service. I think at the time I was still living in the Stone Age without any sort of computer, nevermind dial-up. Regardless, DSL has come to mean so much more in my later years of living. DSL stands for, "Dick Sucking Lips" and from what I hear, the bigger, the better. So if a girl can increase her value in the dating market by boasting the size of her lips, go for it. Look what it did for Nicole Kidman.

(Can you say, Clown College?)

3. Labiaplasty - Again. Women only. But this time because men don't have labia, or labii, whatever the plural is, at least any that I know. And the best candidates for this surgery are porn stars, really really slutty girls, and new moms who recently ejected their children from there. The fortunate thing about this is only people you bang out will know whether you need this or not. It isn't visible to the naked eye unless you have x-ray vision or something cool like that. Also, nobody is going to be a dick and tell you to your face that your labia need reconstruction. So us guys talk about it behind your back. Just make sure your puss-puss doesn't look like minced roast beef. I can't show a photo because it's inappropriate, something I definitely am not.

2. Mammoplasty (Breast augmentation) (Tit job) - This is easily the most identifiable of all the plastic surgeries. Men seem to notice immediately when a girl gets her boobies done. Especially if she goes from an A cup to a C or D. And it's funny because cup size and school grades are the complete opposite. A's in school are good. A's in tits are bad. Vice versa with D's. But there's a huge risk in filling those mammory glands with saline or silicone. What if your new boobs look like basketballs really far apart from one another? What if the nipples aren't proportional to the rest of the boob? What if you lose sensitivity to the nipple? All this must be taken into consideration before 98% of America considers you more attractive. I still like em normal, but that's just a correct opinion.

(Hello bad boob job)

1. Rhinoplasty (Nose job) - I don't think there's much of an argument here. Nose jobs are about as common as breathing. And getting one can actually be socially accepted by using the excuse of a deviated septum. I'm pretty confident that 100% of celebs and ordinary folk who play the deviated septum card don't even know what it is. Yet, we all take it for fact. But just like titty jobs, the nose job is easily identifiable considering people's faces are always visible. Plus, who wants to kiss somebody when you have to worry about getting smacked around by their giant nose? Not this guy. No way Jose. So do us all a favor and fix that schnoz because it's making me naseous.

(Vast improvement)

Voila! I just saved you so much time in researching all the flaws you need to get fixed. I don't know where you are going to come up with the money to fix said problems, but don't look to me for it. I just provided the advice. Now you can all be attractive and can thank me for it. I don't need any work, though because already, "I am better than you."

Glasses: A Girl's Best Friend After She Becomes A Consenting Adult

When I was in the third grade, I began having problems with my eyes. I was doing a lot of squinting at the blackboard, even though it's green, and a lot of squinting at the television when I was at home. This resulted in my first appointment at the eye doctor and the eventual prescription of glasses. A new nickname had been born. Four eyes. Yep, even the greatest of them all have been ridiculed at some point in time in their life. Luckily for me, I have not been made fun of once since that disgraceful time period. Indubitably since circa 97, glasses have become much more than a tool to make fun of someone. They have become a sex symbol.

I don't like reading books. Since my inception in 1988, I have read a grand total of approximately 30 books. That might be a generous number, or I might have low-balled it a little bit. Either way, reading is not for me. So fortunately I have you readers to thank because without you, these would just be words on a page. But I digress. Have you ever watched a porno movie? Maybe a clip on a popular pornographic website? I know all the males reading this have. And probably some of the perverted girls too. I know girls like porn. All guys know it. And nothing is as great as looking at a sexy librarian.

What makes the librarian sexy, you ask? Is it her short skirt and long hair? Is it her size 36 DD breasts? Or is it the fact that she is wearing glasses? The answer shouldn't surprise you because I know for a fact that it's her glasses. Girls who wear glasses that are above the age of 18 generate a level of sexiness that can only be found in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Glasses provide the female figure with a sense of innocence and naivety. Sure, she might be cute without them, but those glasses put her in another level. Truer words have never been spoken.

When I was in college I met a lot of great girls who were smart and liked to party. Conveniently, most of them had shitty eyesight. Which means I had the privilege of creepily staring at them while they "studied" with their glasses on. And I would bet my lifesavings of $150.43 that they were harassed in grammar school. Now those same assholes who picked on them and mutilated their self-esteem are regretting it now big time. All of a sudden these girls who were so vile and repugnant and looked like Harriet the Spy, are getting hit on at an exponential rate. They seemingly went from a 4 to a solid 8 and 1/2. I fell in love with all of them at some point in time because they all looked so ferocious and delightful. So now you girls know.

What makes a slutty doctor look good? What about a slutty librarian? Or even a slutty teacher? There's a theme that I'm trying to get you to pick up on. Did you get it? Glasses, you silly fucks. They all look remarkable in glasses. If you are in the luxury of your own home/apartment/cubicle go ahead and google "girls with glasses" and mystify yourself with the results. Every chick looks great in glasses. Remember one of my first posts about Jane Krakowski and Tina Fey? Why do people find her attractive (Fey)? Her humor or her glasses? Checkmate. So in the near future when you have boys as children, remind them not to tease girls with glasses because they will turn out to look hot as shit. I did but, "I am better than you."

P.S. See what I mean

***Photo courtesy of http://xaxor.com/images/9856325

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