How To Make This Memorial Day Weekend Fun, Fun, Fun

It's that time again. The unofficial kickoff to the summer. Back when I was in high school we would go down to the shore, rent a hotel/motel for the weekend, kick back, and drink some beer. Lots and lots of beer. Of course, I don't condone such behavior because I was a wayyyy mature 17-year-old. Now it seems as I get a little bit older, it's losing its luster. I'm no longer sleeping in a bed with 4 other people passed out drunk. Nor am I vomiting on those 4 people. Instead I go to friends' houses and sit and relax and barbecue and calmly drink beers. It's amazing what can happen in 6 years time. So I've taken the liberty to concoct all the ways that you can still have fun this weekend.

1.) Stop updating what you're doing on Facebook - I don't know how many updates I've seen for the past week or two about people proclaiming their excitement for this impending weekend. I don't give a fuck that your are going to Bethany Beach, Dewey Beach, OBX (Outer Bankxxx), Miami, Las Vegas, or wherever the fuck else you bothered me with. Facebook is a social medium thats intended use is so I can stalk your pictures. Or your previous boyfriends. I don't need to see the constant updates about how excited you are. Fuck you.

2.) Stop updating what you're doing on Twitter - Same deal. But this time it bothers me more. Stop ranting about how much packing you have to do. As far as I'm concerned, MDW is a 4-day weekend, tops. How much shit are you fucking packing? Do you plan on moving to the beach? If so, I could give two shits less. I like going on Twitter to see people make fun of some random person they don't know. Or for some philosophical shit. Not your play-by-play as to how the traffic is, where you are going, who's going with you. None of it. If I'm not involved, I don't fucking care. So leave Twitter alone. Please.

(So really the first two were for my sake, and I'm pretty much the only one who matters, so...)

3.) Avoid your parents at all costs - Unless your parents are fun as shit, which I doubt, exclude them from all of your plans. Actually, I think you should go the extra mile to ensure that you are somewhere that they won't be. I don't want to have family time, I don't want to sit and eat Chilean Sea Bass from the grill and drink wine coolers, I don't want to eat your organic, nitrates-free hot dogs, and I don't want to listen about your problems. I would prefer to be with my friends, making everyone feel awkward as I describe the parts of the male genitalia, and get hammer-drunk. These are things I can't do if mommy and daddy are around. The same reasons probably apply to you.

4.) Bring condoms - They say that the most pregnancies occur each year on Memorial Day Weekend. People are so excited for the summer that they are willing to have sex with anything that has a pulse and two legs. That's good news for me because I am ready, willing, and able. Plus, they are probably really slutty and will let you do anything you want to them. In that Kanye West/Katy Perry "E.T." song when he raps "And then Imma probe you" he has to be referring the butthole right? Every alien abduction case I ever read about includes an anal probing, not a vaginal or oral one. Well to get back on point, I think most of the girls will be up for probing this weekend as well. So add "lubrication" to your list that includes condoms.

5.) Just get hammer drunk - Even if you get stuck with your parents, everything is better when you're hammer drunk. It's even better when you're with friends. Anything can happen when everyone is smashed. Games of "Kings" in which people are getting naked, girls going to pee in laundry rooms because they are that out of it, pissing yourself, sleeping on a trampoline. All these things are possible and likely if you black out with your friends and have a group sleepover. Group sleepovers are underrated and that's usually when the most fun occurs. So it would be in your best interest to sleep with all of your friends and hope for the best. That's why we went to college, duh.

This MDW I will be alone in my room playing Dungeons & Dragons being bitter that everyone is having so much fun and having sex and being drunk and updating their Twitter and Facebook about how much fun they are having. But it will all be thanks to me that you are having that much fun. All because you read my blog and got some ideas. Ideas that only I could think of because "I am better than you."

Songs Of Summer '11

I look forward to every summer, not because I go on vacation (because I can't afford it), but because musicians typically come out with their best stuff. And there's always that one song during the summer that brings back strong memories no matter when you hear it. So, much like Hollywood boasts about all of its hit movies, the music world does much of the same. So I give you the pleasure of the best 11 songs you will probably hear on repeat this summer, unless a new single comes out within the next 2 weeks that blows shit out of the water. So here it is, the top 11 songs for Summer '11 that will make your penis erect and your kitty drip.

I'll call 11-6 Honorable Mention because the top 5 songs are the ones that people really care about. Also because I believe that these songs already blew their respective loads.

11. S & M - Rihanna

This song came out wayyyy too long ago to even be considered for a nomination for song of the summer. I shouldn't even include it as an honorable mention, but I still find Rihanna to be uber-attractive and that's good enough reason for me. And if she actually means what she's singing about, that's just an added bonus. Whips and chains? Sign me up, my Barbadian Beauty. Just color your hair back to a normal color and let it grow out like a respectable human.

10. Blow - Ke$ha

I hate Ke$ha. I know she's ugly as fuck, I know she's overweight, and I know she can't sing for shit. She does however have songs that are catchy as fuck and typically require minimal thought as to what her lyrics mean. I do, however, have a problem with her naming the song "Blow". My mind immediately races toward my penis being placed in a mouth or cocaine. Unfortunately for me, this song does neither of those things. That's what 10th place means.

9. Down On Me - Jeremih feat. 50 Cent

"Shorty you a dime, why you lookin' lonely?" That is one of the lyrics of this song and I think I've got the answer for it. It's because she hasn't met you yet, Jeremih. And I know your parents probably gave you that name from birth, but since you are over the age of 18, can you go to court and spell it correctly please? You're missing an A and that typically bothers me. A lot. Plus 50 Cent hasn't been relevant since 2002-2003 when he released his first studio album. He isn't a major selling point anymore.

8. Till The World Ends - Britney Spears

I made a mistake back in January when I said that Britney Spears lost it. That was at a point in time when she had just released "Hold It Against Me" which has about a 100% chance of being her worst song ever produced. I thought she had lost it. She was no longer the smokeshow that wore Catholic school uniforms anymore. Just a typical mom who's vagina had taken a mighty beating after escorting two kids out of it. But this song tickles my testes. It sounds good. I can watch other people dance to it. All the things that make it a great song for summer. The problem? She released it wayyyyyyyyy too soon to last another 3 months. The result of that terrible first single.

7. Just Can't Get Enough - Black Eyed Peas

They have never made a bad song. Never. Not once. But the summer songs this year are so much catchier than this one. It doesn't have that retro Black Eyed Peas sound to it. It's still wonderful nonetheless, but not summer good. The only thing I really really like about this song comes near the end of it once the music changes. A man's voice comes on and it sounds like he says "Socha", but since will.I.am doesn't know me, I don't think that was the intention. They probably say something super lame like "switchup." A vast improvement over the previous "I've had the time of my life and I owe it all to you" mashup.

6. The Show Goes On - Lupe Fiasco

Oh man. This one can surprise me and take control of the summer. It's release was a little premature, but it's got that poppy/rap flow to it. I respect Lupe Fiasco and I think he's a pretty talented rapper. He's not as good as Mos Def, who will be guest starring on Dexter this season which is incredible, but still good. He came to my college to perform during my freshman year, but at that point in time all he had on his resume was "Kick, Push" and that song sucked dick. But I'd go consider seeing him now.

These next 5 songs will take control of the summer so be prepared to hear them on the radio until August/September.

5. All Of The Lights - Kanye West feat. Rihanna

Kanye West takes the cake for being the most self-absorbed piece of shit celebrity on the planet right now. He's very egotistical and is well-aware, which makes it even worse. But he does have tremendous talent in producing hit after hit after hit. This song, when played in a bar, has the potential to make babies. It came out a little while ago, but it definitely has the longevity factor going for it. It's a song comprised of Kanye and Rihanna. Two of the bigger pop stars around right now. I'd be hella surprised to not hear this song every weekend I go out. Which will be around 4-6 times.

4. On The Floor - Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull

I'm quite surprised that American Idol revitalized Jennifer Lopez's career the way that it did. Everyone knows she is famous because she has the world's roundest ass. And I'm okay with that by all means. Her best film is a toss-up between Anaconda and Selena. From there, J-Lo was born and ruined Total Request Live for me for several years. Her surplus of terrible songs was near a dozen before she fell off the face of the Earth for 5 years. Than she puts out this marvelous hit of a song and, Voila! Jennifer Lopez is back with a song that I can listen to on repeat and not have the urge to grab the nearest butcher's knife and send it straight through my chest. Well done Jennifer. Well done.

3. E.T. - Katy Perry feat. Kanye West

I could probably list 15 things I'd rather do than watch this music video. Actually, that goes for any music video. But especially this one. Katy Perry has the best boobs in the business. That goes a long way in getting me to like her music. Her voice is mediocre at best. She's beat to shit without any makeup on. All she really has are those cans on her chest, and that's a real shame for her because once she hits 35 and they start drooping, she's done. But this song is just starting to catch on fire, and that's great. She has a stuttering problem during the chorus, she's interested in having sex with aliens, and shows no signs of being a racist. All the makings of a stellar human. Plus, Kanye is involved in the song which makes it marketable to all sorts of people.

2. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO

I hate these guys, especially the asshole in the middle in the above video still. His hair looks Caribbean, his jeans would be too tight on a 2 year old girl, his glasses are for style and not his inability to see, and he has no fashion-sense. But, this song is pretty remarkable. With booming speakers and half-dressed girls, it's a sure-fire way to a glorious boner. I'm also unaware of what the LMFAO stands for. I hope it's not "Laughing My Fucking Ass Off." That would be an utter disgrace to the music America produces. Just sayin'. Keep your ears peeled because this song is explosive.

Numbaaaaaaaaaaa 1.

1. Give Me Everything - Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo

This song is definitely definitely definitely the summer song of 2011. There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever. It has a solid beat that people can and will dance to. It's got a catchy chorus that condones getting drunk and making mistakes, my favorite motto. Ne-Yo is still alive, according to this recording. And he pronounces tonight like "tonoyt" on several occasions throughout the song which I seem to enjoy for some reason. The rapping is terrible, the girl singing is unnecessary, but it still reeks of everything that represents summer. Drinking and dancing. I've already heard it several times just this past weekend and it isn't even Memorial Day Weekend yet. Expect to hear this song so many times this summer because it is officially THE number one song for the summer of 2011.

I did it again. I've compiled a list that highlights the best 11 songs you're going to hear this summer and I did it without having to tell you "I am better than you."

St. Patrick's Day Has Come Early. Why America Drinks For No Reason

March 17 is a "national" holiday. I say "national" because people still have work on it, but it's considered to be something that everyone celebrates in some regard. It is on this day that we all become Irish. Looking back at what I was taught growing up, St. Patrick's Day was a day to celebrate an Irishmen who lifted the boundaries on the Catholic teaching and became an icon of sorts. So we celebrate in America because we are all Catholic? No, I'm mistaken. We celebrate it because we are all Irish. Nope, that doesn't sound right either. The real reason we celebrate it is because Americans are alcoholics and find it necessary to get hammered for no real reason.

Think about it. There appears to be one day in every month that we find a reason to get fucked up. In January, we have Martin Luther King Jr. Day, February has the Super Bowl, March has St. Patty's, April has my birthday, May has Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence), June has Flag Day, July has Independence Day, August has the end of summer day somewhere in there, September has Labor Day, October has Halloween, November has Thanksgiving, and December has Christmas or Hanukkah. There you have it. A run-down of all the reasons we find to drink as a country. Why?

Alcoholism. Mitch Hedburg once said, "Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having." But let's be honest with ourselves. Deep down we are all a little bit alcoholics. Who's to say that a glass of wine or 2 with dinner is wrong? Or watching Legends of the Hidden Temple and having a drink every time Kirk Fogg touches a kid. It's okay to have a drinking problem, as long as you don't drive or beat the shit out of your partner, Chris Brown. Life presents some very difficult challenges and stresses, and sometimes the only way to alleviate it is with a drink. But you shouldn't get carried away.

Beerfest is a film that celebrates the kookiness and spontaneity of drinking. Games and chugging contests. What isn't fun about drinking? Nothing. Everything is fun. You get to make excuses for making out with ugly people or doing worse things. You get to throw up and/or dry-heave for a solid 5-10 minute ab workout. Heck, you can even find a reason to sleep-in the whole next day. Of course we find days to drink. Everything about it is great. Everything that is but the almighty hangover. How some freakshows never end up with one is beyond me, but maybe, just maybe one day, I'll figure out the mystery to end the hangover. It's more important than world hunger, in my opinion.

This weekend is going to be a real special one for me. I'm going to see some friends from college for the first time since I left their beautiful faces in May. Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine that it was that long ago. But time flies when you're unemployed and living at home. So I would like to take this time to thank Mr. St. Patrick for finding three-leaf-clovers and keeping the tradition of Catholicism alive and prevalent. Because without you Patty, us Americans would have to find another reason to get tanked. But I won't need another reason to tell you, "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://unrealitymag.com/wpcon

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