Because You Give Two Flying Fucks, My Weekend Analysis With Some Shit-Heads

I spent this weekend in the DC metropolitan area. For you stupid fucking idiots reading this, that means Washington D.C., Maryland, and Virginia. You know, DMV? Anyway, I spent each night at each location. I'll go more into detail a little bit later on because I know you care so much about what I do. The main point in going to DC was to see people who I haven't seen since last summer or before that at school. That was a long fucking time ago. The bus ride in sucked. The people on the PATH are assholes. There are too many poor people camping out on the Metro. And I was trying to get shitfaced to ease the burden of doing nothing for the previous 9 months of my life.

Friday afternoon saw my arrival into D.C. From there, I took the Metro to Maryland and got picked up by a Jew. We held hands, but didn't kiss. Yet. Buffalo Wild Wings was the lunch destination and boy is that always great. Next up saw the arrival of the cute little sparkplug blondie, 210. Hugging, but no open-mouth kissing ensued. Boy was it sure nice to see some of these delinquents again. We met up with another Jew, and went into D.C. for the night. There, we went to a house that didn't use air conditioning. The thermostat read a mere 80 degrees. It's not like we were drinking there and dehydrating ourselves or anything...

After hours talking about television programs, such as The X-Files, and movies, we left to go to a hipster/liberal/hippie bar. They didn't take cards. Uhh, hello? It's the 21st century dick clowns. I drank a German beer with two Jews. Then I went upstairs on the wobbly floor and pretended like I was going to dance with the behemoths that were roaming around. I didn't have nearly enough alcohol in me to dance, and the gay kid who was on ecstasy or molly could not be competed against. We left shortly after and took a bike taxi to Union Station. Either he didn't use deodorant or the 11 blocks he peddled on his bike with 4 adult humans was too taxing on his hippie ass. The smell was unbearable. The jests toward him were unethical. Jewish people are relentless.

Saturday was a much neater day. A barbecue had been planned out in Virginia. I had always had the assumption that my family was royalty in terms of being alcoholics. And I mean that in a serious way. Like alcoholism runs in my family, but the pickle family crushes my family in a much more fun, safe way. We got there around 1:30 and I was already ingesting beer, by choice. After numerous beers and several hours, shots were starting to get poured. One shot, two shot, six shot, drop dead. By 9:00 I think I was blacked out. Somehow I made it to the bar. I had a beer handed to me and all I remember was wobbling. The bouncer came up to me and said "That's your last beer." And I could swear on my life that I responded "No. It's my first beer."

Needless to say, I was escorted out of the bar, but voluntarily by a friend because Mr. Jew Boy claimed he was "tired." After living with me for 4 years, he must have known I wouldn't let him take me home for no good reason. I took my shirt off on the walk, made it to the basement, and immediately passed out on the futon. One hour later I awoke, sat up, and proceeded to vomit on the futon. I also remember telling myself that what I was doing was wrong, but couldn't physically stand because my world was spinning. Pussy. I know. I was then thrown off the futon and it was brought outside almost instantaneously. Washed off by the power of a hose, it looked as if I didn't fuck up too bad. I puked some more in the backyard and ventured back downstairs.

I said my apologies and passed out for good this time. I awoke the next morning feeling paralyzed. Not like a typical hangover, but something that wouldn't allow me to move. I made it upstairs and started puking some bile in the toilet. Hot, I know. I talked to the family, continued hating my life, and left to go back to Maryland. I slept all day and ate Popeyes for linner. (lunch + dinner) Then I saw my other former roommates girlfriend and another mutual friend of ours. We went out for more drinks and relived our youth. Not as exciting as the previous night because the goal was to be social, not obnoxious. I had a really great time.

We called the boyfriend and talked for a while. I miss him. And then went back home and pretty much went to sleep after some dashing conversations. I woke up today knowing that I had to come back home to this miserable life. Gone would be the people that I spent 4 years forging incredible relationships with. So too would be the people that I'm just beginning to forge friendships with. Back to home where life blows hard. But that's life I guess. It was bad enough that I had to be upset about that, but the bus ride home takes the cake.

The ride is typically a 4 hour trip. Sometimes the driver will stop for rest, sometimes he won't. Well once we got into Delaware the traffic was at a standstill. I think they were doing construction on each lane of the only major major highway in the entire fucking state. I hate Delaware and everything associated with it. Than the dickhead driver stopped at a rest stop. Fine, whatever. But the very best part of the trip was the fat fucking piece of shit sitting in the back of the bus. I don't know if you'll know what I'm talking about, but the generic laugh that fat people have. Like they are trying to catch their breath while laughing simultaneously. Well this fat bitch was laughing the entire 5 hour drive back to New York. I wanted her to choke on the 20 piece bucket of Popeyes she picked up for herself.

And now I'm home. Alone. Unemployed. Lacking real social interaction. I feel sorry for myself and the life I lead in New Jersey. Only time will tell if I can make it out of this shithole soon. But once I do, brighter days are surely ahead. I had such a great weekend that I'm kind of wishing I didn't. Now I can look ahead and realize all of the fun shit I'm not going to be doing. Fuckkkkkkkkkkk. DC, I'm comin' for ya. Because "I am better than you" New Jersey.

Jesus's Crucifixion Nails Allegedly Found. More Bullshit News At 11

I celebrated my 23rd birthday today. Make no mistake, it was just as shitty as any other day of the year, but for today I felt like I was on top of the world. I went to dinner with my mom and my sister to my favoriteeeeeee restaurant, Buffalo Wild Wings, and had a splendid dinner. We came home and watched the Mets lose. See, just like any other shitty day. Cake tomorrow and then back to normal. Why do we celebrate birthdays anyway? It seems like such a weird thing to do. Let's celebrate this day because you were born on it x-amount of years ago? Just strange in and of itself. So I think the Jevoha's Witnesses got it right by not celebrating birthdays, or any other holidays for that manner. But those are my feelings on that. Nothing could have been better today until I read about Jesus's crucifixion nails allegedly being found. That son of a bitch stole my thunder.

I read the brief story on it. There isn't much of a story to write about. A guy was filming a movie on the crucifixion around the tomb where some guy was found. He only presided over the "alleged" Jesus killing. Hence, the nails they found must have belonged to Jesus. Good logic idiots. This murder was purported to have taken place 2,000 years ago. What makes you think you can find nails and claim they belonged to the ones this "Jesus" got nailed to on the cross? Just a publicity stunt by some asshole who thinks his movie is going to be good or factual or some other dumb bullshit.

I hate religion. I really do. And I've ranted about it numerous times, but then I hear stories like this one today and it just pisses me off. If this guy is trying to find things of real value, why doesn't he get into medicine and find the cure for a.i.d.s. or cancer? What is finding Jesus's nails going to do for anyone? Nothing would be the correct answer. And why did the media jump on this story? Are people so desperate for hope that they'll believe nails from the crucifixion were actually found? God still hasn't saved you, and He probably never will because of how gullible you are.

I'm waiting to hear a news story in the coming weeks and months about a man finding remnants of Noah's Ark. You know, the one that carried two of each animal while the Earth was flooded for 4o Days and 40 Nights, and not that Josh Hartnett film (a modern day classic). Really? A guy making a ship that could fit two of each animal, minus the dinosaurs because they couldn't fit (that's what my mom says). However, you and I both know dinosaurs never really existed. It's nice to believe in someone that's so vicious that it would wipe out the entire Earth because we fucked up. Bravo for believing in that nonsense.

(This is the real image taken of Noah and his Ark)

Why do you think noone went to go see Evan Almighty? Because Morgan Freeman, a black man, was playing God? Don't be racist. It's because that shit was fucking stupid. The mom from Gilmore Girls is hot, but that's its only redeeming quality. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. Jesus wasn't nailed to a cross. Noah never built an ark and carried two of each animal on it for 40 days and 40 nights. And Moses never parted the Red Sea. All of these stories are fictional, made up to help you with your moral compass. Thanks Jesus for stealing my thunder, however just so you know, "I am better than you."

March Madness Is Turning Out To Include More Than Just College Basketball

In what could be considered the second National Sports holiday of the year, first being the Super Bowl, the NCAA Tournament officially started today. In all we have 16 games that are played on both Thursday and Friday and then reduced in half hereinafter. For me, this is personally my favorite day of the year. I always get that false hope of getting a perfect bracket and winning shit tons of money. But since I have a pretty tight grasp on all things sports, my bracket always gets fucked up around 5:00 pm Thursday. But it's the excitement of the games that gets my blood boiling. However, this tournament start date also marked St. Patrick's Day, the alcoholic's holiday. How elegant.

This year March 17 turned out to be incredible in more ones than one. I got to lay in bed all day and watch every single game. I didn't get to drink in the fuckin' awesome 60 degree weather. My amigos from college aren't even in the country anymore. And I kept seeing commercials for Buffalo Wild Wings. It is easily the greatest chain restaurant in the United States with the most delicious wing sauces. It actually pained me to sit and watch these commercials come one after the other. It's almost as if I punished someone and this was my payback. But I didn't. I'm a good person.

(How fuckin' flashy is this? Literally.)

Why do people celebrate St. Patrick's Day? I wrote earlier this month about how I was being a drunkard all day celebrating this joyous holiday, but for what reason? My religious beliefs are null-and-void, my nationality is not Irish (it's worse), and I hate the color green. My friend is kind of lucky that he is colorblind because I think green is one of the colors he can't see. It comes out brown or something. Green is such a stupid color. I don't like anything green. And what's the deal with corned beef and sauerkraut? My mom was pushing that shit all day on me. I didn't become Jewish today, why would I want that stuff? I just don't get it, but like I said, it's just an excuse for Americans to get drunk. That's fine.

To also go along with the theme, the disaster in Japan is getting worse by the day. My uncle is terrified that those nuclear reactors are going to explode, if they haven't already, and has been drinking iodized salt water to counter it. If you are like me and have no idea why he was doing it, the reason is simple. Iodine is a chemical solution that helps prevent radioactive materials from entering into the thyroid gland. If it does enter, it could become cancerous. I think his strategy is a little pre-emptive because we don't even know for sure that those nuclear materials will even make it here. This is where the madness is really occurring.

I read an article today in between games that warned of the dangers of taking potassium iodine, KI, as a preventative measure as opposed to a necessary one. They sell it in pills over-the-counter in the drug stores around the country, but due to the panic, has been sold out since late last week. It makes me nervous because maybe these people know something that I don't know. Or they are overreacting for the time being. Who's to say? Not me. You have to imagine that we aren't going to hear all the truths over the media, but I'd hope they'd tell us if our lives/health was at serious risk. But that's enough about that.

March should be a month that focuses on the upcoming warm-ish weather. The start of baseball and college basketball at it's finest. I'm sure when the time comes around, I'll be writing about Opening Day 2011. But what I hate most about March is the onslaught of allergies that attack me. I wish my mom wasn't such a dweeb and had an impenetrable immune system? that would prevent my body from feeling like shit for a week or two. Sore throats are the worst, but trying to go to sleep with a clogged nose isn't very thrilling either. And then you wake up with a dry mouth because you're breathing through it like an asshole. Atrocious. So I actually kind of hate March for that reason. I'm sorry I wasn't funny today. Or any other day for that matter. I can't help that "I'm better than you."