Mothers' Day Is A Stupid Holiday. I've Got A Better Idea

I love my mom. She is the reason that I am who I am today. Without her hard work and dedication in getting me the best she could, whether it be education, clothes, or the newest video games, I wouldn't be writing this to you. And so on the second Sunday of every May, we celebrate our moms. The lady who will love you more than anyone else ever could. (Thanks Rich). But why does Hallmark find it necessary to market this as a holiday? Shouldn't we be appreciative and thankful to our moms every day? Not that we are, but we should be. I think annointing one day a year is total bullshit. So I decided to come up with a new holiday in retaliation. One that I hope catches on in the not so distant future.

Before I blow your minds, first let's think about all the other dumbass holidays we are forced to celebrate every year because of Hallmark.

1) Valentine's Day. What a joke. "Hey honny, let's go to an expensive dinner that you have to pay for, get drunk on expensive wine that you can't afford and go back to your house/apartment and perform oral sex on each other until we pass out." This is what has become of Valentine's Day. One day in which we love our partner, pamper them, and have sex. Things that guys are required to do every day of the year anyway. But on February 14, we have to go the extra mile. Cool.

2) Cinco de Mayo. Yet again, another excuse for us to get hammered. Local Mexican bars have crazy deals on tequila, cervesa, and tacos tacos tacos tacos. But I bet you didn't know that the good 'ole US of A is the only country that celebrates Cinco de Mayo. Mexico doesn't even recognize it as a holiday. The common misperception is that it is Mexican Independence Day, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Mexican Independence Day is actually September 16. We celebrate Cinco de Mayo as the time when Mexico started to believe in democracy and freedom. Let's stop providing business for shitty beer companies like Corona and Dos Equis, please America.

3) Easter. Easter is a dumb holiday. How many times is Jesus going to come back from the dead? I'm surprised this holiday kept going after 1 A.D. Why do we keep celebrating his coming back to life? He only did it one time. Let's forget about it and move on.

(I swear to God I made my sister watch this with me everyday one summer)

4) Fathers' Day. What a cheap knockoff of Mothers' Day. Really, what do fathers do in child-rearing anyways? All the dads I know sit around watching some sort of sports and drink beer. Not much of a human to celebrate. When I finally pollute the Earth with my seed, I'm going to make damn sure that the surrogate of my sperm doesn't celebrate this sorry excuse for a holiday.

This leads me to my idea for a holiday. Now, I'm just getting the framework down and I haven't fully thought this through, but I think it can work. It will be called "Bully Day" and the idea is to bully someone who is inferior to you. For example, I would go around all day picking on people that I am better than. Like my next door neighbor with emphysema. "Hey, remember that time that you were coughing up pieces of your lung because you couldn't stop smoking? Don't you wish you had healthy lungs like me?" Do you have the general principle down?

I think this is a good idea for many reasons. I know that anti-bullying campaigns are huge right now, but I've yet to understand as to why. Bullying has been around since the beginning of time. It's called survival of the fittest. Being bullied helps you for later in life when people tell you you are worthless and will never amount to anything . You can think back to that time in 5th grade when you were getting a swirlie and how the older kids said you were a loser and your "4 eyes" will never get you blown. See how it connects? I think the more we bully people, the better they will end up in later life. It creates a thick skin and lower expectations. Since August doesn't have any holidays and it's the closing of summer, I annoint August 8 "Bully Day". Remember to throw someone in the dirt or eggs at their face. I will because "I am better than you."

St. Patrick's Day Has Come Early. Why America Drinks For No Reason

March 17 is a "national" holiday. I say "national" because people still have work on it, but it's considered to be something that everyone celebrates in some regard. It is on this day that we all become Irish. Looking back at what I was taught growing up, St. Patrick's Day was a day to celebrate an Irishmen who lifted the boundaries on the Catholic teaching and became an icon of sorts. So we celebrate in America because we are all Catholic? No, I'm mistaken. We celebrate it because we are all Irish. Nope, that doesn't sound right either. The real reason we celebrate it is because Americans are alcoholics and find it necessary to get hammered for no real reason.

Think about it. There appears to be one day in every month that we find a reason to get fucked up. In January, we have Martin Luther King Jr. Day, February has the Super Bowl, March has St. Patty's, April has my birthday, May has Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence), June has Flag Day, July has Independence Day, August has the end of summer day somewhere in there, September has Labor Day, October has Halloween, November has Thanksgiving, and December has Christmas or Hanukkah. There you have it. A run-down of all the reasons we find to drink as a country. Why?

Alcoholism. Mitch Hedburg once said, "Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having." But let's be honest with ourselves. Deep down we are all a little bit alcoholics. Who's to say that a glass of wine or 2 with dinner is wrong? Or watching Legends of the Hidden Temple and having a drink every time Kirk Fogg touches a kid. It's okay to have a drinking problem, as long as you don't drive or beat the shit out of your partner, Chris Brown. Life presents some very difficult challenges and stresses, and sometimes the only way to alleviate it is with a drink. But you shouldn't get carried away.

Beerfest is a film that celebrates the kookiness and spontaneity of drinking. Games and chugging contests. What isn't fun about drinking? Nothing. Everything is fun. You get to make excuses for making out with ugly people or doing worse things. You get to throw up and/or dry-heave for a solid 5-10 minute ab workout. Heck, you can even find a reason to sleep-in the whole next day. Of course we find days to drink. Everything about it is great. Everything that is but the almighty hangover. How some freakshows never end up with one is beyond me, but maybe, just maybe one day, I'll figure out the mystery to end the hangover. It's more important than world hunger, in my opinion.

This weekend is going to be a real special one for me. I'm going to see some friends from college for the first time since I left their beautiful faces in May. Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine that it was that long ago. But time flies when you're unemployed and living at home. So I would like to take this time to thank Mr. St. Patrick for finding three-leaf-clovers and keeping the tradition of Catholicism alive and prevalent. Because without you Patty, us Americans would have to find another reason to get tanked. But I won't need another reason to tell you, "I am better than you."

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