If I Were To Get A Prince Albert, Would You Still Like Me?

Hello friends and welcome to April! All 150 of the friends I had on Facebook were probably relieved after seeing that I decided to write my final post. Little did they know, because they don't read my shit, it was an April Fools' joke. The blog continues and it continues strongly today. Since most people are superficial, including myself because why wouldn't I be, I decided that I want to change my outward appearance. Not just any outward appearance. My hidden outward appearance. The magical place that only special or really willing people want to enter. (Or anyone who lived with me in college and had friends over) My male reproductive organ, silly. But here's how I want to do it.

Have you ever heard of a Prince Albert piercing? It consists of getting a ring through the bottom of the head of the penis to the nearby hole at the top. I would post a picture, but I don't know who reads this shit and I don't want to get in trouble for posting pictures of weiners with rings coming out of them. Also, I don't really like weiners. I'm more of a vagina kind of person. But anywho, this would be the ultimate piercing. No one would know about it, except those that venture to that special place. I'm pretty sure I should get this done.

On the other hand, I think piercings in general are stupid. I got my ears pierced when I was a freshman in college because I always had wanted to. Sometimes I get made fun of, but it comes with the territory. Since that happened, I have been a ladies magnet. I've kissed more than 7 girls in 4 years. Astounding numbers, really. But the concept of earrings kinda pisses me off. Like what purpose do they serve? Especially on girls. I don't like all those crazy, new ones that they all seem to want to get. Like the tragus, or the industrial, or the inner ear one on top by the cartilage. I do not like any of them.

(T is the tragus. R is the other dumb one. What a freak!)

But we also have nipple piercings. My dumbass roommate in college thought it would be a good idea to get his nipple pierced a week before we graduated. And he thought nobody would say anything to his father? The world's most dangerous/scary man? Of course we would say something. Pops didn't care, though so that was a major letdown. So, is getting your nipple/s pierced the right move? Well, if you have really sensitive nips, it might be in your best interest to shy away from them. Who knows whether or not you'll lose that sensitivity and that could make sexy time boring time. I highly disapprove of the nipple clamp.

Belly button rings are pretty sweet if you have a flat stomach and wear bare-midriff shirts. Or if you live in a sunny city like San Diego where you can constantly parade around in a bikini. But, the belly button ring looks like poopy when it involves a whale. Nobody wants to see your stomach, let alone a piece of metal that is jutting out of your blowhole. They should pass. Almost the same reasoning for a vag piercing as I cited with nipples. You don't want to ruin the area by not being able to enjoy penetration city. It could on the flipside, however, make it a home run every time. Is the juice worth squeeze? For sure not.

Since I have wasted more of your life that you will never get back, I'd like to reiterate that piercings are stupid. They don't belong on everyone and you will end up being mocked by someone like me on a blog that 9 people read. I still want to get the Prince Albert though because I think it will boost my superiority and I would have a new reason to flash my junk all over the place. Or my unit could be ruined forever. A risk worth taking in my opinion. Just because "I am better than you."

My Final Posting

Well fellow blog readers, I have some terrible news. This post will indeed be my last posting. I started this blog in the beginning of January and made it to April. 56 posts later and here we are. Nothing has changed, nothing is different. I used this blog as a forum to help get over a relationship that was very meaningful to me. One that absorbed nearly 3 years of my life and it ended. Just like that. I was also having some trouble with my living situation and being unemployed got to me physically and mentally. You start to doubt yourself and things that you are capable of and fall into this depression. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't need that to happen, so I took to blogging.

What this did was allow me to write in a forum where I could say anything I wanted. There are no restrictions, no limitations. From my very first post about horrorscopes and how fucking stupid I think they are, to my very last post about the 2011 baseball season. I covered many topics and ranted about things I believe in, don't believe in, and everything in between. The support I have garnered from all of you who had read was truly remarkable and I couldn't be more appreciative. You truly inspired me to keep writing even if you didn't agree with a lot of what I was saying. Here's to you.

Since I don't want to end on an unhappy note I thought I would spend this last posting talking about some of my favorite posts and topics in general. Just most recently, the one-named celebrities was one of my favorites. I think I gave a good account of some of the most popular ones and added some hilarious commentary about why I liked or didn't like them. Plus the pictures were pretty sweet. Sting without a shirt. Prince in the fetal position. Superb. The Disney princesses was also pretty swell. We all thought about "doing them" so why not write about it. Instant classic.

Describing the existence of aliens took me from 6 to midnight. I love watching The X-Files because I'm a huge nerd and that show revolves around paranormal activity and extraterrestrial life. So trying to prove my point in showing how they were real was a personal fave. And how disgusting are people in our country? The post about Skype sex being dangerous gets hits left and right. People in our country are genuinely concerned about whether or not it is safe to do. Of course it is you fucking idiots. What could possibly go wrong besides someone walking in on you? As if they don't touch their private parts. But geez Louise, stop being so God-damned perverted.

It was also really hard for me to open up the way that I did about my relationship. All my friends knew how I was feeling and members of my family saw what I was going through. But to put it in a public forum for the world to see showed a lot of growth on my part and what I think was some of my best writing because it was so emotionally charged. The best is that it was a steady stream of writing. No pauses to collect my thoughts. It just came all naturally. That's why I think that may have been the best post in terms of quality and emotional appeal. Thanks to you February 17.

In closing, I'd like to reiterate my thanks to all of you who read the blog on a consistent basis. I got my inspiration from my former roommate who is doing some really great things in Ethiopia right now and blogging about it. If you don't know what the web address is I will provide it to you right now: waidsworld.wordpress.com. It seriously puts my blog to shame because the quality is so much better and he's a genuinely good, nice person. Again thank you all for the continued support and I hope that we can speak again soon. Until then...

APRIL FOOLS!!

You fucking morons! Did you actually think I was going to stop writing? I haven't even begun to emphasize the thousands of ways "I am better than you."