Your Pubic Hairstyle Says A Lot About You

When I was about 13 years old, I went to a friends house. She was a year older than me and a year wiser. My other guy friend liked her, and I liked her friend. So the four of us sat around the front of her house talking, hanging out like most 13 year-olds do. The topic of pubes came up. Since I'm a disgusting pervert since as long as I can remember, it was probably me who brought it up. After several minutes of talking about it, her dad came out. I thought I was dead meat, but instead he gave me valuable advice that I remember to this day, 10 years later. "At some point in your life, you're going to shave your pubes." Blasphemy. Why would I touch that region of my body? Besides, I only had like two long strands of hair down there. My oh my has 10 years been a long time.

So that got me thinking about all the different pubic hairstyles that are around. Whatever design of hair, or lack thereof, definitely says a lot about you as a person. I'm going to critique each one and offer my correct opinion and the style you should choose.

All natural - This is for people who grew up anytime in the 70s or before. It is commonly referred to as a bush. The reasoning for this is because it looks like a bush. I think it is utterly disgusting and repulsive. People who only trim their bikini lines and leave the rest to nature clearly have low self-esteem issues, are not sexually active, and probably are too poor to afford a 30 cent razor. I don't actually know of any human that does not at least trim their pubic hair, except my former roommate. The amount of laughter that occurred after seeing that pile of pubes was enough to make me shit my pants. Cause that's what happens after you laugh for a long time.

The Landing Strip - I feel as if I'm posting this prematurely because it is the odds-on favorite to win "Best Pubic Hairstyle". The reasoning? It tells me that you are adventurous, you like to fly in airplanes, you can see straight, you might be good at measuring things, and you like to have lots and lots of sex. They say there is a study that shows the amount of sex that women with landing strip pubes has is far greater than that of any other pubic design. And I'm not making this up. It's a classic look that looks great and feels great. It doesn't get in the way of any activities and let's the male know that they are at least 12-years-old. And that right there is great. "Old enough to pee, old enough for me!"

The Brazilian - This is just terrifying. I recently had a conversation with a group of humans about the Brazilian Wax. I knew that it removed all hair from the body, but I didn't know that it was ALL hair. Take me for instance. I am a boy and I have a penis and testicles. If I were to go to a waxing shop or wherever they do that stuff to get a Brazilian, I thought they would only remove my upper pubic region. According to the other humans in the conversation, everything must go. That means they put hot wax on both my penis and testicles. Are you fucking kidding me? Who would ever allow anyone to do that? What if they rip something off? Same applies to you ladies. What if they rip your lady parts off? This is a suicide mission. One that I will never sign up for. Anyone who is willing to sign up for this torture treatment is a psychotic lunatic who loves feeling pain. If you really want to be clean down there, just shave. Don't put hot wax anywhere near there. I could never be with a waxer. Sicko's.

The V - Have you ever seen "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis"? Well in one of his skits he has Natalie Portman on and he says I know you shaved your head in V for Vendetta, does that mean you shave your V for vagina? Which poses the question, why do girls shave V's into their vaginas? V is easily one of the worst letters in the alphabet. I think almost any other letter would be much cooler. Like M, for instance. It could stand for 'mighty' or 'magnificent' or even 'morally corrupt'. Any of these things would be much much better than just a plain old V. I don't know how many pornography films I have watched where the girl has a V emblazoned on her taco. Girls who use this lack creativity, social skills, and friends. Friends don't let friends shave V's into their vaginas.

Customized - Since Harry Potter became a theme in American pop culture, many girls and guys have taken the liberty to make their pubes look like a lightning bolt. I'm all for trying new things, but lightning bolts are fucking lame. Am I going to get electrocuted if I enter into your magic hole? Will Harry Potter use his expecto patronum spell on me? What are the repercussions? If there aren't any, why even bother? Hearts are also becoming a growing trend. If you have a heart, you clearly aren't in love and are just trying to get fucked. Partners would not allow that shit to go on for very long, and for good reason. We're already in love, as you can tell, because I'm about to enter you. No need to remind me with your pubic selection. And names/initials are becoming a major threat. It's like a stamp of approval for the owner of the property. You know, in case you forget while you are dating. I'd hate to be the guy who's banging your girlfriend all while reading your initials during it. It'll make me feel like a scumbag, you know?

The winner is obviously The Landing Strip as I stated it quite explicitly in the opening sentence. I don't give out second place awards because second place means "first loser". And I'm a winner. So any girls who might be reading this, if you contain a landing strip be sure to let me know as I will be automatically attracted to you that much more. But that's only my opinion. The only opinion that matters because it's never been wrong. Simply because "I am better than you."

Part Of Growing Up Is The Acceptance That Things Change

Today I went on a bike ride. My mentality shifted throughout the course of the ride. I initially got on my bike to clear my head. Get out of it for a little bit. It's as if everything around me is changing and I'm finally beginning to accept it. My life has been a turnstyle since March when my grandmother passed away. No longer were the chains in place to restrict my mom or uncle from going out anytime they wanted. No more stresses, no more anxiety. One person leaving this Earth did that. But there's more to it. My uncle's girlfriend of 20-something years has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and things don't look well for her at all. Most of his time has been spent with her at the hospital. But there's more.

My grandparents moved into my current house in the 1960s. This has been in possession of the family for 45 years or so. According to my uncles and mom, it was a nice neighborhood with lots of trees and families. Well those days are done and over. Almost all the trees have been cut down. Most of the families that live here don't speak English or bother with anyone but themselves. Just yesterday, my mom's tires were slashed. 6 hours later the police showed up to investigate two stolen vehicles. Where the fuck do I live? Which brings this all back to me. I received a phone call during the middle of last week. It was from a company in Virginia. They want me to come in for an interview. My ticket out?

I've been trying to leave this God-forsaken city/town since 2006. That's why I went to school in Virginia. I'm tired of the crime that's seemingly gotten worse. I'm tired of the brash people I come across on a consistent basis. I'm over the snooty girls with their orange glow and big Louis Vitton bags. I'm sorry ladies, I can't compete for your affection when a Louis Vitton bag is my competition. This interview is the biggest, most important thing that has happened to me in the longest time. I'll be able to see my friends from school on a regular basis. I can enjoy the ingenuity of Virginia's residents. I can start my life anew.

So I went on a bike ride today. Passing through the streets that I've known since I can hardly remember. Thinking back to what it used to look like and how it transformed into this miserable pile of shit. But then I got sentimental. People give New Jersey such a bad rap about how unclean it is and how terrible it smells. And how everyone thinks they're from New York or Philly. Well most of us are from there. We just live in Jersey because it's cheaper. And I get that. And maybe it does smell. But you know what? It's home. It's always been home to me and always will be. People can trash it all they want, but it will always be where I came from.

Before I knew it, I was about 9 miles from home. Back to where I went to high school. A long ways to go, lost in my own thoughts. And that's when I realized that everything is changing. My city. My family. My relationships. My life. I'm actually becoming a grown-up and it scares the shit out of me. I hate the kids at my camp mostly because I'm jealous of them. Watching them make up some game on the spot, laughing and yelling, and making fun of one another. Not a care in the world. Genuine, sincere, and brutally honest kids are. I don't know why, but at some point in time we teach children not to be honest. I can think about it all day, but it never quite makes sense. Children have got it all, man.

Maybe I'm writing this post prematurely. But my gut tells me that it's my time to move on. It's time to start a new chapter in my life. It's time to move down to the place that will make me happiest. I couldn't tell you the last time I was so excited about something. Maybe 3 weeks ago when my friend came home from Turkey. But besides that, I don't know. I'm growing up and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Deep down, in that place where most people have their hearts, and I have a dark, black piece of coal, it's telling me that I'm going to get this job and I'm going to leave Garfield for good. I couldn't be more happy and scared all at the same time. Something tells me though, that things will work out for the best. They always seem to. Could it be, perhaps, because "I am better than you?"

I Fucking Hate Hipsters

Who decided that it was okay to be a hipster? From the dumb plaid shirts, to the 1970s porn star moustaches, to the skinny girl jeans, to the big fake black-horned rim glasses, finally to cases and cases of PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon). Everything that hipsters do is dumb. Essentially, they are the previous generation's kids who shopped at Hot Topic. Remember what kind of losers shopped at Hot Topic? They sold Marilyn Manson t-shirts, Pink Floyd trucker hats, and coffin backpacks. And these derelicts would go in, buy some spikes as their earrings, hair coloring for their mohawk, and other dumb graphic t-shirts. And they would go to school dressed like fucking idiots and call themselves goths. Then they would get made fun of and explain to the rest of us that they were expressing their individuality and people didn't "understand" them.

Here's what I understand. People don't like you because you suck. You suck big dick. You think you're shopping at Hot Topic to showcase your individuality, but what those idiots failed to realize was that they were actually conforming to the same ideology. Nothing about them was unique. I can see the same thing happening now across the populated parts of the country. Kids showing up to school, claiming they are artsy and how they have such a passion for music and doing liberal things like going to foreign countries and farming for them. Hey dick clowns, find something original to do.

Ever heard of the Peace Corps? You know what they do, right? They go to impoverished countries and utilize the resources in order to make that particular city more viable for the future generations. Going to do some farming work is NOT original, nor does it seem like a lot or any fun. And as far as I'm concerned, we have a lot of farms in America. A whole bunch. Why don't you work on those farms so we can eliminate the pesticides that farmers need to use to make the quota for all the product they have to move? All of our food can become organic and maybe obesity will drop because we won't be eating chemicals. You hipsters are liberals, aren't you? My idea should sound fucking brilliant.

I also never quite understood why it's such a big deal to like things that only you know about. Like the band, Vampire Weekend or some 80s synthesizing band. They've been around for a long time now, but since they've hit the mainstream a bit and "sold-out", they've fallen out of favor with the pussy-boy hipster crowd. I thought people liked things because they actually liked them? Who gives a flying fuck if everyone else likes it too? That should never change your feelings on something if it's completely unwarranted. That's clearly why people don't like hipsters. They've created this image that they are above and beyond everything and everyone else. Go fuck yourselves loser assholes.

And don't get me started with the drug use. As if these dickheads invented marijuana or wild mushrooms. "Let's smoke some pot." No Bill. "Let's do shrooms instead." Dope. Who the fuck do you think you are? Dope? Dope? That word was cool in the 80s. It isn't cool anymore. Stop trying to bring it back. These are also the same virgins that love watching Donnie Darko and trying to unravel all of its deep mysteries. That movie fucking sucks. Jake Gyllenhaal is a terrible fucking actor. Time travel is not real. Neither are talking rabbits named Frank. Stop analyzing that shitty movie and accept it for what it is: Shitty. You fucking pieces of shit are no better than anyone or anything because once again you conformed to society by not conforming. Your taste in things is awful as are your cutoff jorts (jean shorts). Grow up and be yourself for once. I've always been myself because "I am better than you."

Let's Lay Off Of Casey Anthony Because Now You're Starting To Piss Me Off

So as it turns out, after a month long trial or however the fuck long it was, Casey Anthony was found NOT GUILTY of 1st degree murder. I've never seen such an outcry from people who have no involvment in the case whatsoever. Facebook statuses such as "Not guilty...unbelievable." "Way to screw up, U.S. legal system." "Even OJ knows she was guilty." How fucking pathetic of a human are you? How can you even begin to say that she is/was guilty? I'd almost guarantee that not one person I know has had any physical contact with the case or anyone from the jury. Or the attorneys. Or the child. Don't get me wrong. What happened to that little girl is a very tragic and disheartening ordeal. But let's not stone Casey Anthony to death because YOU think she's guilty. You are shit.

When you look at the case from an outsiders viewpoint, it's hard to imagine Casey being innocent. The night her daughter went missing, she was out clubbing and drinking and getting tattoos. Most normal people, all normal people, who've lost a child will be running around looking for that child until they collapse. I mean, it's your kid for Christ's sake. That's not a traditional way to respond to your daughter's disappearance. And when the media and police were asking her questions, she didn't seem too upset about her disappearance. From the outside it looked as if she was guilty and didn't give a fuck. But she was just tried and found innocent. Let's move on.

I didn't follow the trial. Not one hour, one minute, or even one second. It doesn't have any effect on me whatsoever and my watching it wouldn't contribute to anything changing. I don't have any children so I don't know the emotional charge I would get from losing one. But I could imagine it being really really difficult. Does that make me a piece of shit though? Because I don't care about the trial? We've taken on this idea in America that we must care about the celebrity. That's why trashy magazines like US Weekly, and Star, and People are booming. We must know what they are doing at all times. We must!

So just like OJ Simpson had the eyes of America in 94-95, Casey Anthony managed to attract all of our eyes in 2011. The only difference between the two is that Anthony wasn't an All-Pro running back who is considered one of the greatest of all time. Casey Anthony is a zero. A loser. A nobody. Somebody sold this story to the media at the moment it happened and it snowballed into something much greater. I don't know the exact numbers, but I'm almost certain that there are a boatload of children that go missing every single year. And I'd venture a guess that most of them end up dead. And it's really sad and devastating, but what made this story so important? I don't know.

In reality, I wish people would just relax. Instead of wishing her a cruel life and an eventual trip to hell, let's trust that the legal system was correct. Let's go on the notion that there was not enough evidence to convict her of 1st degree murder. I hate people who wish terrible, negative things on another. Who the fuck are you to hope that she rots in hell for the rest of her life? What if she really was only negligent and endangered her child? What if she didn't actually murder her? Will you take back all the harsh things you wished upon her? I doubt it because you're all hypocrites. Me included. Just like that fat fucking piece of shit Nancy Grace, who thought all the Duke lacrosse players who "allegedly" raped that prostitute were preppy, spoiled rich brats who get away with anything they want. Where was her apology after we found out that the prostitute lied? Nowhere to be found. But let's not crucify her. If she did actually do it, karma will strike. I believe it. But that's not for us to worry about. So stop fucking complaining about it. I won't because "I am better than you."

How To Pull Off Being A Virgin In College

If you were intelligent and you read my 100th post, then you already know that I'm not actually a virgin. It's just better to pretend that I am because people think it's intriguing. Either that or they think I'm a hugeeeeeee loser. But I spent just about my entire freshman year of college playing off the fact that I had never had sexual intercourse. And I swear, it was the only time in my entire life that I ever lied about hooking up with a girl. I hated when I would hear stories from people about the wild sex they had and all the cool shit they did with a girl only to find out from several sources that it was all made up. So I made up an elaborate story and it went something like this.

For the first time in my life I was going to be surrounded by a bunch of males for a serious amount of time. It's easy to say that I went to high school and grammar school where there were a majority of guys, but college is different. These are people you see everyday from the end of August to the beginning of May. You begin to grow a rapport with them. A friendship. I needed to make sure that I fit in. It didn't take long before the concept of sexual intercourse came up. We would talk openly about the things we did in high school and the sluts we did them to. Of course, I had just made out with a girl for the first time in August of 2006. At 18 years old. My sexual prowess was nonexistant. Time to make shit up.

I learned that in order to be taken seriously when making things up about your hookups is to sell yourself short. No one would have believed me if I had told them I had sex with 10 girls. In high school that's just remarkable. Most people are dating each other for years at a time in high school, so the opportunity for multiple partners is highly unlikely. I knew that. So I gave myself a fair and completely reasonable number. 3. 3 is a number that represents many things. The Holy Trinity. The days between Jesus' alleged resurrection. The parts to the male sexual organ. Many great things come in 3's. So I had sex with 3 girls before college. Not.

(Jordan 3's. Duh)

My lie came out pretty well. Nobody doubted me, at least to my face, and I think the reasoning was because nobody gave a shit. One night in October I had gotten absolutely shit-faced. I was at a party that was about a 25 minute walk. I had made plans to walk home with my Jewish suitemate. Along the walk I revealed to him that I had only gotten my first make-out this past summer. Just weeks before we got to school. Despite being in a drunken stupor, he put two and two together and realized that I was a virgin. I didn't figure this out until my senior year. But I had finally gotten the truth off my chest. Now maybe I can live a normal-ish life.

(It's where we walked from)

So I went out maybe 3, 4, 5 times a week in hopes of meeting a slutty girl that I could take to Penetration City. My game is outrageous. I know that I could get myself in position to score with any chick at almost any given time. My problem was pulling the trigger. I got them so amped up, that I could never deliver the final dagger. I never make the first move and that resulted in me spending a lot of nights sleeping in my dorm with my roommate. Not together of course. I needed a kick-start of sorts. I got that with the 3rd floor girl.

I spent one night talking with her until about 7:50. I had class at 8. I ended up skipping class and missing out on some bonus points for showing up to the last class before Thanksgiving Break. All because of a girl. We talked and talked for the next couple of months and then we started fooling around. This was clearly my best chance to get my ball rolling. Except there was some definite stage fright. All my friends knew about it. All her friends knew about it. Yet nobody could solve the real issue at hand. Some real performance anxiety. It took me until the last night of freshman year at 5:30 in the morning to "get it in". I finally did it.

The real moral of the story here is that it's important to lie to the people you care about most. I could have been a laughingstock for the entire portion of my freshman year, and that could have translated all the way to my senior year. Even though I got stuck with the nickname Virgmann, it wasn't because I was actually a virgin. In fact, I started having sex all the time. I probably broke records and shit. But that's how I got away with being a virgin in college. You deny deny deny until your grave, until that one lucky night where you can finally slip it in. And that's what I did. And now I'm a living legend, or at least real close. All because "I am better than you."