How To Pull Off Being A Virgin In College

If you were intelligent and you read my 100th post, then you already know that I'm not actually a virgin. It's just better to pretend that I am because people think it's intriguing. Either that or they think I'm a hugeeeeeee loser. But I spent just about my entire freshman year of college playing off the fact that I had never had sexual intercourse. And I swear, it was the only time in my entire life that I ever lied about hooking up with a girl. I hated when I would hear stories from people about the wild sex they had and all the cool shit they did with a girl only to find out from several sources that it was all made up. So I made up an elaborate story and it went something like this.

For the first time in my life I was going to be surrounded by a bunch of males for a serious amount of time. It's easy to say that I went to high school and grammar school where there were a majority of guys, but college is different. These are people you see everyday from the end of August to the beginning of May. You begin to grow a rapport with them. A friendship. I needed to make sure that I fit in. It didn't take long before the concept of sexual intercourse came up. We would talk openly about the things we did in high school and the sluts we did them to. Of course, I had just made out with a girl for the first time in August of 2006. At 18 years old. My sexual prowess was nonexistant. Time to make shit up.

I learned that in order to be taken seriously when making things up about your hookups is to sell yourself short. No one would have believed me if I had told them I had sex with 10 girls. In high school that's just remarkable. Most people are dating each other for years at a time in high school, so the opportunity for multiple partners is highly unlikely. I knew that. So I gave myself a fair and completely reasonable number. 3. 3 is a number that represents many things. The Holy Trinity. The days between Jesus' alleged resurrection. The parts to the male sexual organ. Many great things come in 3's. So I had sex with 3 girls before college. Not.

(Jordan 3's. Duh)

My lie came out pretty well. Nobody doubted me, at least to my face, and I think the reasoning was because nobody gave a shit. One night in October I had gotten absolutely shit-faced. I was at a party that was about a 25 minute walk. I had made plans to walk home with my Jewish suitemate. Along the walk I revealed to him that I had only gotten my first make-out this past summer. Just weeks before we got to school. Despite being in a drunken stupor, he put two and two together and realized that I was a virgin. I didn't figure this out until my senior year. But I had finally gotten the truth off my chest. Now maybe I can live a normal-ish life.

(It's where we walked from)

So I went out maybe 3, 4, 5 times a week in hopes of meeting a slutty girl that I could take to Penetration City. My game is outrageous. I know that I could get myself in position to score with any chick at almost any given time. My problem was pulling the trigger. I got them so amped up, that I could never deliver the final dagger. I never make the first move and that resulted in me spending a lot of nights sleeping in my dorm with my roommate. Not together of course. I needed a kick-start of sorts. I got that with the 3rd floor girl.

I spent one night talking with her until about 7:50. I had class at 8. I ended up skipping class and missing out on some bonus points for showing up to the last class before Thanksgiving Break. All because of a girl. We talked and talked for the next couple of months and then we started fooling around. This was clearly my best chance to get my ball rolling. Except there was some definite stage fright. All my friends knew about it. All her friends knew about it. Yet nobody could solve the real issue at hand. Some real performance anxiety. It took me until the last night of freshman year at 5:30 in the morning to "get it in". I finally did it.

The real moral of the story here is that it's important to lie to the people you care about most. I could have been a laughingstock for the entire portion of my freshman year, and that could have translated all the way to my senior year. Even though I got stuck with the nickname Virgmann, it wasn't because I was actually a virgin. In fact, I started having sex all the time. I probably broke records and shit. But that's how I got away with being a virgin in college. You deny deny deny until your grave, until that one lucky night where you can finally slip it in. And that's what I did. And now I'm a living legend, or at least real close. All because "I am better than you."

How To Score On The First Date. And I Don't Mean A Basketball.

When I scour the interweb for all of my tidbits of information, I molest StumbleUpon. For those living in the Stone Age, it's an add-on for your web browser that allows you the ability to input all of your interests into a filter that searches the world wide web to match them. There's a list of probably 200 different things you can choose. So I picked whatever matched my lifestyle and read up on things that interest me. Well, I stumbled upon a website that talked about how to ensure getting laid on the first date. I think the article was written by a virgin because everything he said was inaccurate. I hold the keys to the ignition of how to get laid on a first date.

It all starts with your clothing. Girls love guys that know how to dress themselves. She won't want to filate you if all of your clothes are from Wal-Mart, Kmart, or Kohl's. She wants to see you wearing jeans that cost $148. She wants to see dress shirts that were made in the Philippines. And most importantly, she wants to see your shoes. Believe it or not, it's a real deal-breaker as to what kind of shoes you are wearing. They should probably be new, like Nike or Nike because if you wear anything else you're an idiot. And they should also match your outfit, kind of.

Now that you are going to impress her with your fashion sense, you can fuck around. Most first dates occur at fancy shmancy restaurants. Don't. Take her ass to McDonald's. Or Wendy's. Or a really shitty pizza place. They say your first meal should be hands free, but people who believe that also believe in global warming. Why are you going to risk spending a great deal of money on a girl who might not even put out? By going to a low-end, white trash establishment, you can gauge her interest and see whether or not she's a cool gal. I want to be with a girl who can wolf down a Big Mac. Not a girl that eats a salad and buttered bread for her meal. That's what would happen at that ritsy, expensive restaurant.

But we have one problem with going to McDonald's or Wendy's. They don't serve alcohol. If I ever win the lottery, or end up successful, I am going to make a personal pledge to both restaurants to include alcohol on their menu. I mean, how am I supposed to enjoy my date if I'm washing down my meal with a Root Beer? The secret ingredient to getting laid on a first date is about to be unveiled. Ready?......................Wine. Wine always leads to sex on a first date. There is some sort of component in it, maybe alcohol, that makes girls horny. And it's usually white wine. Get her fucked up on that shit, and there's no doubt you're going to Penetration City.

Well then, what's the next move? You've made your mark by showing off your ability to dress. You've tackled the big bill of the first date by splurging on McDonald's. How do we get to plan C and get to drinking the vino? Are there any parks nearby? Where 14-year-olds hang out? If yes, you need to get your ass there. Post up in your car, open the bottle of Oak Leaf, and start playing pass the bottle. You can also set the mood by playing some John Mayer to moisten her underwear. After several gulps of the wine, she will be more inclined to open up about her life, and eventually open her legs. Success!

This is the tricky part. You need to find a way to bring her back to your parents house, or hopefully she is better than you and lives in an apartment of her own. Tell her you want to take things slowly and it's better if we don't do anything tonight. Now she thinks you're a good guy. Wrong. Get her in a bed and lay down with her. Tell her you just want to make sure she falls asleep alright. Start playing with her hair. She'll start assaulting your mouth with hers. Now her underwear have been removed. You slip on a condom, but only if you're a sailor, and enter Penetration City. Finish up and leave. Never call her again. Brag to your friends about the slut you just had sex with and high five everyone involved. Take a shower. Lather, rinse, repeat. And that's how you have sex on a first date. It works, but probably not for you because "I am better than you."