Your Pubic Hairstyle Says A Lot About You

When I was about 13 years old, I went to a friends house. She was a year older than me and a year wiser. My other guy friend liked her, and I liked her friend. So the four of us sat around the front of her house talking, hanging out like most 13 year-olds do. The topic of pubes came up. Since I'm a disgusting pervert since as long as I can remember, it was probably me who brought it up. After several minutes of talking about it, her dad came out. I thought I was dead meat, but instead he gave me valuable advice that I remember to this day, 10 years later. "At some point in your life, you're going to shave your pubes." Blasphemy. Why would I touch that region of my body? Besides, I only had like two long strands of hair down there. My oh my has 10 years been a long time.

So that got me thinking about all the different pubic hairstyles that are around. Whatever design of hair, or lack thereof, definitely says a lot about you as a person. I'm going to critique each one and offer my correct opinion and the style you should choose.

All natural - This is for people who grew up anytime in the 70s or before. It is commonly referred to as a bush. The reasoning for this is because it looks like a bush. I think it is utterly disgusting and repulsive. People who only trim their bikini lines and leave the rest to nature clearly have low self-esteem issues, are not sexually active, and probably are too poor to afford a 30 cent razor. I don't actually know of any human that does not at least trim their pubic hair, except my former roommate. The amount of laughter that occurred after seeing that pile of pubes was enough to make me shit my pants. Cause that's what happens after you laugh for a long time.

The Landing Strip - I feel as if I'm posting this prematurely because it is the odds-on favorite to win "Best Pubic Hairstyle". The reasoning? It tells me that you are adventurous, you like to fly in airplanes, you can see straight, you might be good at measuring things, and you like to have lots and lots of sex. They say there is a study that shows the amount of sex that women with landing strip pubes has is far greater than that of any other pubic design. And I'm not making this up. It's a classic look that looks great and feels great. It doesn't get in the way of any activities and let's the male know that they are at least 12-years-old. And that right there is great. "Old enough to pee, old enough for me!"

The Brazilian - This is just terrifying. I recently had a conversation with a group of humans about the Brazilian Wax. I knew that it removed all hair from the body, but I didn't know that it was ALL hair. Take me for instance. I am a boy and I have a penis and testicles. If I were to go to a waxing shop or wherever they do that stuff to get a Brazilian, I thought they would only remove my upper pubic region. According to the other humans in the conversation, everything must go. That means they put hot wax on both my penis and testicles. Are you fucking kidding me? Who would ever allow anyone to do that? What if they rip something off? Same applies to you ladies. What if they rip your lady parts off? This is a suicide mission. One that I will never sign up for. Anyone who is willing to sign up for this torture treatment is a psychotic lunatic who loves feeling pain. If you really want to be clean down there, just shave. Don't put hot wax anywhere near there. I could never be with a waxer. Sicko's.

The V - Have you ever seen "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis"? Well in one of his skits he has Natalie Portman on and he says I know you shaved your head in V for Vendetta, does that mean you shave your V for vagina? Which poses the question, why do girls shave V's into their vaginas? V is easily one of the worst letters in the alphabet. I think almost any other letter would be much cooler. Like M, for instance. It could stand for 'mighty' or 'magnificent' or even 'morally corrupt'. Any of these things would be much much better than just a plain old V. I don't know how many pornography films I have watched where the girl has a V emblazoned on her taco. Girls who use this lack creativity, social skills, and friends. Friends don't let friends shave V's into their vaginas.

Customized - Since Harry Potter became a theme in American pop culture, many girls and guys have taken the liberty to make their pubes look like a lightning bolt. I'm all for trying new things, but lightning bolts are fucking lame. Am I going to get electrocuted if I enter into your magic hole? Will Harry Potter use his expecto patronum spell on me? What are the repercussions? If there aren't any, why even bother? Hearts are also becoming a growing trend. If you have a heart, you clearly aren't in love and are just trying to get fucked. Partners would not allow that shit to go on for very long, and for good reason. We're already in love, as you can tell, because I'm about to enter you. No need to remind me with your pubic selection. And names/initials are becoming a major threat. It's like a stamp of approval for the owner of the property. You know, in case you forget while you are dating. I'd hate to be the guy who's banging your girlfriend all while reading your initials during it. It'll make me feel like a scumbag, you know?

The winner is obviously The Landing Strip as I stated it quite explicitly in the opening sentence. I don't give out second place awards because second place means "first loser". And I'm a winner. So any girls who might be reading this, if you contain a landing strip be sure to let me know as I will be automatically attracted to you that much more. But that's only my opinion. The only opinion that matters because it's never been wrong. Simply because "I am better than you."

And If The World Ends In 2012, I Won't Be Surprised

By now, there's a solid chance you are aware that I'm not a fan of liberals. I lived with 2 of them for 2 years of my existence and it was pretty wretched. I have a couple other friends who are liberal too and they are just as wretched. So when Barack Obama headed up the nomination for the Democratic party in 2008, I didn't know what to make of it. I had never heard of the guy. 3 years later and I've come to realize he's no better than his predecessor, Mr. Bush. I'm not one for politics but there are some things that I am aware of. "Change that we can believe in" was a blatant lie and I have lost any faith I may have had in him. Was he a better choice than 79-year-old John McCain? Indubitably. But that isn't saying much. I promise there's more to this than politics. Let me explain.

(I remember my first lie)

If I can recall correctly, one of Obama's major platforms during his run for presidency was a "promise" to pull back most of our troops that Bush had sent into Afghanistan and Iraq within a year. Believe it or not, we ended up sending more in after the previous deadline. I wasn't so thrilled about it. I was talking to my former liberal Jew roommate today discussing the whole Libya situation. This thing needs to be rectified immediately. Bombing the shit out of them? For what reason? My guess is to divert our attention away from the catastrophe that is occurring in Japan.

If we send troops in on foot to Libya, I'm afraid Obama is pretty much giving up any hope he has of winning re-election. At a time when our economy is in a whirlwind of shit, we should be thinking of ways to generate more money, not spend what we are already being loaned. And as far as I know, the whole universal healthcare bill has met so many setbacks, I feel it will never be passed into law. I don't disagree with the idea of healthcare for all. Seemingly, everyone should be entitled to being helped. However, if you are in great health for a majority of your life, like me, you should have the option of getting it or not. This current plan is set to make everyone pay for it, whether you really need it or not. If you choose not to accept it, you owe a fee. Silly. But I'm over the politics now. On to Japan.

I haven't wrote about Japan yet because I don't have much to say. What happened there nearly 2 weeks ago is probably the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone in the world. Whereas September 11th was a travesty because humans hurt and killed other humans, this, in my opinion, is worse because it wasn't preventable, but you knew it was going to happen. With only a 30-minute warning to evacuate the area, you knew the results were going to be lethal. And this really sucks. It actually hurts me to think about because the Japanese, or anyone for that matter, didn't deserve this. Not by any stretch of the imagination. And I saw a video about a Catholic girl praising God for unleashing his fury to Atheists. What a sick fucking bitch. I actually hope she dies. My heart goes out to Japan, for those who lost someone or something, better days lie ahead.

And so the prophecy set for December 21, 2012 looks to be more and more likely. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard of. But with all this shit that has been going down lately, now I'm not so sure. The start of what looks like could be World War III, the earthquake/tsunami that shook Japan, the supermoon that did nothing last night, all this shit just seems to be brewing the end of Earth as we know it. I like being a negative Nancy and living my life with no expectations to ensure that I'm never let down, but this is just too much. I still have so much to accomplish. I need to pollute the world with my children. I need to ruin their lives and make them good at sports, unlike me. Not everyone knows that, "I am better than you."