Your Pubic Hairstyle Says A Lot About You

When I was about 13 years old, I went to a friends house. She was a year older than me and a year wiser. My other guy friend liked her, and I liked her friend. So the four of us sat around the front of her house talking, hanging out like most 13 year-olds do. The topic of pubes came up. Since I'm a disgusting pervert since as long as I can remember, it was probably me who brought it up. After several minutes of talking about it, her dad came out. I thought I was dead meat, but instead he gave me valuable advice that I remember to this day, 10 years later. "At some point in your life, you're going to shave your pubes." Blasphemy. Why would I touch that region of my body? Besides, I only had like two long strands of hair down there. My oh my has 10 years been a long time.

So that got me thinking about all the different pubic hairstyles that are around. Whatever design of hair, or lack thereof, definitely says a lot about you as a person. I'm going to critique each one and offer my correct opinion and the style you should choose.

All natural - This is for people who grew up anytime in the 70s or before. It is commonly referred to as a bush. The reasoning for this is because it looks like a bush. I think it is utterly disgusting and repulsive. People who only trim their bikini lines and leave the rest to nature clearly have low self-esteem issues, are not sexually active, and probably are too poor to afford a 30 cent razor. I don't actually know of any human that does not at least trim their pubic hair, except my former roommate. The amount of laughter that occurred after seeing that pile of pubes was enough to make me shit my pants. Cause that's what happens after you laugh for a long time.

The Landing Strip - I feel as if I'm posting this prematurely because it is the odds-on favorite to win "Best Pubic Hairstyle". The reasoning? It tells me that you are adventurous, you like to fly in airplanes, you can see straight, you might be good at measuring things, and you like to have lots and lots of sex. They say there is a study that shows the amount of sex that women with landing strip pubes has is far greater than that of any other pubic design. And I'm not making this up. It's a classic look that looks great and feels great. It doesn't get in the way of any activities and let's the male know that they are at least 12-years-old. And that right there is great. "Old enough to pee, old enough for me!"

The Brazilian - This is just terrifying. I recently had a conversation with a group of humans about the Brazilian Wax. I knew that it removed all hair from the body, but I didn't know that it was ALL hair. Take me for instance. I am a boy and I have a penis and testicles. If I were to go to a waxing shop or wherever they do that stuff to get a Brazilian, I thought they would only remove my upper pubic region. According to the other humans in the conversation, everything must go. That means they put hot wax on both my penis and testicles. Are you fucking kidding me? Who would ever allow anyone to do that? What if they rip something off? Same applies to you ladies. What if they rip your lady parts off? This is a suicide mission. One that I will never sign up for. Anyone who is willing to sign up for this torture treatment is a psychotic lunatic who loves feeling pain. If you really want to be clean down there, just shave. Don't put hot wax anywhere near there. I could never be with a waxer. Sicko's.

The V - Have you ever seen "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis"? Well in one of his skits he has Natalie Portman on and he says I know you shaved your head in V for Vendetta, does that mean you shave your V for vagina? Which poses the question, why do girls shave V's into their vaginas? V is easily one of the worst letters in the alphabet. I think almost any other letter would be much cooler. Like M, for instance. It could stand for 'mighty' or 'magnificent' or even 'morally corrupt'. Any of these things would be much much better than just a plain old V. I don't know how many pornography films I have watched where the girl has a V emblazoned on her taco. Girls who use this lack creativity, social skills, and friends. Friends don't let friends shave V's into their vaginas.

Customized - Since Harry Potter became a theme in American pop culture, many girls and guys have taken the liberty to make their pubes look like a lightning bolt. I'm all for trying new things, but lightning bolts are fucking lame. Am I going to get electrocuted if I enter into your magic hole? Will Harry Potter use his expecto patronum spell on me? What are the repercussions? If there aren't any, why even bother? Hearts are also becoming a growing trend. If you have a heart, you clearly aren't in love and are just trying to get fucked. Partners would not allow that shit to go on for very long, and for good reason. We're already in love, as you can tell, because I'm about to enter you. No need to remind me with your pubic selection. And names/initials are becoming a major threat. It's like a stamp of approval for the owner of the property. You know, in case you forget while you are dating. I'd hate to be the guy who's banging your girlfriend all while reading your initials during it. It'll make me feel like a scumbag, you know?

The winner is obviously The Landing Strip as I stated it quite explicitly in the opening sentence. I don't give out second place awards because second place means "first loser". And I'm a winner. So any girls who might be reading this, if you contain a landing strip be sure to let me know as I will be automatically attracted to you that much more. But that's only my opinion. The only opinion that matters because it's never been wrong. Simply because "I am better than you."

Summer Films That You Should See Because I Recommended Them (Part 2)

Oh. Hello. You've ventured back to see what the top 5 movies of this summer are going to be. How exciting.

5. The Green Lantern

I had a boner just thinking about including my man crush on this summer movie list. I don't think anybody could say no to Ryan Reynolds. No man. No woman. He is the ultimate catch. The fact that Scarlett Johansson divorced him to be with Sean Penn, blows my mind. Probably the best looking guy of all time, dumped for the 52-year-old man with kids near his new girlfriend's age. Disgusting. I don't know what it is about girls and their obsessions with older men. Repugnant, vile creatures you are. But this is the 3rd major superhero movie that comes out this summer. I'm not sure exactly when it comes out, but I've got a gut feeling that it will be the best of the bunch. Thor is lame and #6 Captain America is a traitor. I love you Ryan.

4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

So I've read no more than 30 books in my entire life. Some people think that's classless, but those people are assholes. Why would I read when I can watch something instead, like a television adaptation or movie? But I did manage to read all 7 Harry Potter books because I was a virgin until I turned 19. Just kidding. I still am. However, these books were quick reads and very compelling with its wizardy and shenanigans. Too bad they were from England because America's schools would have been much cooler. And J.K. Rowling should have added sex to the books because at age 18 we all know that's what kids are doing anyway, at least the cool/normal ones. Make the book a little bit realistic. I also don't understand why Hollywood deemed it necessary to cut the final book into 2 separate films. I suppose to make more money, but it doesn't make much other sense. Still, I might feel compelled to see this one just to see Harry die. Oops, spoiler.

3. Super 8

You have to excuse me for this one. I know it goes against everything I stand for: being a conservative, an American, cool, and proud. But once upon a time I fell in love with this television program called Lost. It was the most character-driven show I had ever seen and immediately made a connection with all of them. That was in 2005. That show ended in 2010 after 6 seasons. If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day I decided to start watching the show and not do it. J.J. Abrams single-handedly took away 6 years from my life, all while I was yearning to understand the finality of the show. I will never forgive him. He also fucked up by making that shitty attempt of an American Godzilla, called Cloverfield. What a waste of $10.50 that was. But this time he teamed up with Steven Spielberg (E.T., every other fucking good movie from 1983-2008) to make another sci-fi/drama. I want to give this one a chance because of Spielberg's name, but believe me, I won't be surprised if this is one of the worst movies of our generation. Kids making movies and then seeing monsters doesn't exactly spell great, but what am I busy?

2. Cowboys & Aliens

This one's got a nifty concept. An old-school Western with a new age science fiction. Daniel Craig (James Bond), Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones, Han Solo), and Olivia Wilde (The O.C.) star and Jon Favreau directs, thus making this somewhat magical. It's a story about a new guy coming into town to bang his old girl while the new boyfriend watches, or something like that. And then aliens come and they fight together to kill them. Probably the most predictable outcome imaginable, but Favreau typically does good things. (See Iron Man, Pete in Friends). I'm just glad that it's not another fucking remake or sequel because that's all Hollywood seems to come up with nowadays. I read earlier today that Fox is rebooting The Flintstones. Is nothing sacred anymore? What are people going to do next? Remake Billy Madison with Justin Long? I'd kill myself. Let the classics go, man.

If you didn't figure out Number 1 by now, you're an idiot.

1. The Hangover Part II

I am now officially being hypocritical of my last comment. When I saw The Hangover, I marked it as an instant classic. It was one of the funniest movies I had ever seen. Right behind Billy Madison, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Wedding Crashers. Those are the three best comedies to ever have been made, and there's no arguing it. So why did they find it necessary to make a sequel to this movie? From all the trailers I've seen, it looks almost exactly like the first one. And I mean exact. In this case it might not be the worst thing because the first one was very very funny. But I don't want to see the same exact movie again, this time in Thailand. I feel like I'm going to be disappointed. But regardless, I have a penis and I have to see it. It's like a rule or something. And for that reason, this is this summer's top movie to go see.

My top 5 selections were a little too liberal for my liking, but I'm just going with what Hollywood gave me. If I had it my way, I'd be picking more movies like Good Will Hunting and The Color Purple (jk, jk), but I'm just a nobody. And you're just an asshole reading my blog. Now let me clear my throat as I announce, "I am better than you."

Yes, Aliens Exist But Dinosaurs Do Not. For Serious.

I've educated you readers once with my proof that dinosaurs do not exist. I ranted about the stupidity of religion and how God is a made-up figure used to boast sales of the greatest fictional story of all-time, The Bible. And now, I give you the pleasure of reading "It's not just an opinion, rather a statement of fact because I said it" Volume 3. (Working title) There is such thing as extraterrestrial life on Earth, and I have mounted proof. From the crash in Roswell in 1947, to Area 51, to former basketball player Sam Cassell, aliens surely exist in some capacity. Scoooooooooot.

When an object crash landed in Roswell in 1947, it was reported that a "flying disc" was seen at the landing site. The military came in and the next day, it was reported that one of their surveillance balloons that was sent up in the sky to take pictures crashed down to earth. The story was immediately dropped. Then about 30 years later, some physicist said that all that shit was a cover-up and it was indeed a UFO that landed there. And then The National Enquirer, a super credible news source, reported alien autopsies took place. A television program was aired between 1999-2002 called Roswell and if it's on t.v. than it most certainly is real. Not convinced yet are we? I'll spew more facts.

Area 51 is a well-known military research facility that tests experimental aircraft and weapons. They are purported to have tested some of the crash materials found at Roswell. Some even say that those who work there have flown some of the UFOs they have gathered over the years. Roswell is in New Mexico. Area 51 is in Nevada, a very close neighbor to the former Mexican owned land. Some of the tests they have been linked to include, weather control, aliens, time travel, and teleportation. Everyone who watched Lost knows that time travel is real, because that show was based on true events. And the Harry Potter series contributed to the realism of teleportation. Lastly, Area 51 was a badass video game that included aliens and such. Pretty good convincer, aren't I? I know.

I talked about basketball yesterday and how all these players have tattoos nowadays. Well, there is one basketball player that doesn't have any tats, but he does possess something that no other NBA player does. And that is a big alien head. See below.

Text me when you read this if you don't actually believe he is an alien. I don't expect any texts to come in in the next 24 hours. That is the ideal shape of a head that belongs to an alien. It's probably a size 12 and bald as one can be. And look at that excuse for a mouth. He probably swallows baby calves and humans whole. An alien by all accounts.

Three of the most credible and outstanding arguments to support the existence of alien life, right here in black and white. And I am not talking about immigrants in the Home of the Brave. Actual extraterrestrial life that exists in the Milky Way Galaxy and beyond. And my proof is a television show that was on the WB for 3 seasons, an arcade-style video game that was the fuckin' shit, and a retired basketball player. If not for me, you would continue to walk through life without the knowledge of aliens. Watch The X Files if you should find yourself doubting me and my impossible to disprove opinions/facts. You can't because, "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://www.carolinawatercooler.com/cassell.jpg