Because Your Kiss, Your Kiss, Is On My List

The story you're about to read is 100% true. Some of the names may have been changed to protect their identities.

Have you ever felt like a loser because you can't hook up with chicks? Because when you go to the bar and start hitting on girls you don't know what to do except scream "Nancy Pelosi" at them? Well you're in luck because I'm about to describe my first kiss. And by kiss I mean makeout. Like with tongues and stuff. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 18 years old! What? Yep. I was 18 in human years. Probably the oldest person out of anyone I've ever come across in my life. But it all worked out for me in the end, sort of.

Let me take you back a little so you can get a full understanding of who I am and what kind of a pussy I was/am. I went to private school from age 5 to 18. My entire life. The first school I went to shut down because of a lack of funding/small enrollment. I then transferred to a new school in 2nd grade. There were about 25 kids in my class, give or take. But once I hit the 5th grade, some of the kids started leaving. Some because they moved. Some because they were probably poor. And some because the school sucked dick. By the time I hit the 6th grade (which is full on puberty in case you didn't know), I was stuck with 4 girls in my class. 14 total kids, 4 girls. 4.

I always had a thing for one of the girls. Let's call her Paige. She and I used to talk on the phone. I'd go over to her house to play Uno with her mom. Heck, we even slow-danced multiple times at our school-sponsored dances. I called it the Frankenstein dance. Hands on shoulders, hands on waist, and sway side-to-side. The good ole days. She used to come to some of my baseball games. I used to sing her Backstreet Boys songs on the phone. I'll never break your hearttttttttt. I'll never make you cryyyyyyyyyyy. It was pretty great. We started to get older. I wanted to do more stuff, like hold hands and touch her boobs. She wanted to go meet the world outside our private school. I can't blame her. I was a dime compared to the other trolls in that classroom. But also a dime in everyday life too.

We get to the 8th grade, still friends, but she's dated a few other boys at this point. The other girls in my class, Jessica, Lisa, and Jennifer - we'll call them, were nothing to look at. Lisa and Jennifer were fraternal twins who only spoke to each other and in their "inside voices". Jessica looked like a rabid dog. I didn't have much to work with. Unfortunately, Lisa and Jennifer ended up leaving the school in 8th grade to be homeschooled because of how they were "bullied". Compared to the kids of today, I guess you can say they were bullied. We would purposely aim at their heads during gym when we played running bases, or dodgeball, or anything that included a ball. Usually once per week, one of them ended up at the nurse because they got blasted with a ball to the head. We were cruel.

That left me with 2 girls and about 0 chance of smooching either before I got to high school. Fine. I'll meet lots and lots of people in high school and most of them will be girls and hot and slutty because it's a Catholic school. I wasn't far off once I got to high school. There were a lot of girls and a lot of them were attractive and slutty. But now I'm 14. I haven't felt a boob. I haven't open-mouth kissed someone. Pressure is mounting. I decide I should probably make some friends. So I did. I made a good amount of friends. Most of which I met through class, or detention, or baseball. I started to fit in. I made some friends. I got invited to do things. I knew a few of the football players. I knew a few of the cheerleaders. I knew a pretty solid amount of people. Something was bound to come along.

I become friends with a guy named "Steve". Steve was dating Aleshia and she used to provide oral comforts to him. I was jelly. I became pretty good friends with both of them and after several months, I ended up sabotaging their relationship for my own personal gain. I was 15 and a piece of shit. Sue me. I was the friend she needed to console her. Steve was in a minor tailspin. But all I kept thinking was, man, I've gotta smooch this chick. Never happened. She dated someone new. No love lost, at least I don't think. That's wrapping up my sophomore year. I'm 16 and still no kisses on my mouth. I start to panic.

One of the cheerleaders, "Daniella", pulls me aside right before my track practice. At this point, those close to me knew I was a virgin kisser. And also a regular virgin too. Word started to spread around that I never kissed a girl. So Daniella says to me, real slyly, "Hey, if you want, I'll make out with you. It's not that big a deal." I also want to point out that Daniella is one of the prettiest girls, not only in my grade, but probably the entire school. I'm not sure if I heard her correctly because all I said was "Yeah, sure" and went to track practice. That conversation never came up again. But not to be outdone by my own stupidity, later that same year "Krystal" tells me the exact same thing. Except this time, I have it written out to me in the form of an IM on AIM. Krystal was also a very attractive girl who was on the dance team. I told a friend of mine about her proposal. He goes back to ask her, and guess what happened next? Virgin-kisser going into my senior year.

I should point out that during my junior year, when I fucked up getting kisses, I went to a handful of parties. I once even got hammered at a party with a girl from a different school while playing Kings. She was so drunk, that she showed everyone her boobs. I don't remember her name, but they were the first real-life boobs I saw. Still didn't manage to makeout with the drunk girl who showed her boobs at a party. But back to senior year. Time is running out. If all else fails during the course of the year, I've got prom. People tend to have the intercourse at prom. I was just hoping to make kisses. I didn't. My senior year was a lot less exciting than my junior year. I feel like I peaked when I was 17. I lost all hope. I never thought I was going to kiss a human girl. Until Steve hooked it upppppppppppp.

Steve's family owned a beach house. The first time we went to his beach house, we got super drunk and that's pretty much it. It wasn't until the last weekend I was in New Jersey before college, that things got exciting. Steve invited myself and Dave to go to his house right before I left. Conveniently, three other girls we knew were going to be down the shore that same weekend. "Katie, Emily, and Liz" stayed at Emily's relative's house. It was a Friday night and the drinks started pouring a wee bit early. I call Katie to see what she's up to and they decided that they were going to drink early too! Can you see where this is heading? The three men go to pick up the three girls. They are silly drunk. Silly drunk is the level right before crying drunk.

We start playing beer pong. We start playing Kings. There is lots of drinking going on. One thing that always happens when you're drunk is a case of the munchies. Similar to when one smokes the marijuanas. Now I don't remember which of the girls said it, but one of them said that they'd make out with each other if we made them some Pizza Rolls. We bought a bag of 100 Pizza Rolls because we knew we had a long, eventful weekend ahead of us. Naturally, we agreed to this. We'll make some Pizza Rolls, you make out. So Emily and Liz start making out. Katie and Emily start making out. Katie and Liz start making out. Steve, Dave, and myself are watching. Dave goes in. Dave is making out with Katie. Dave is making out with Emily. Steve is making out with Liz. Steve is making out with Emily. Where is Mike???? Mike starts making out with Liz. 18 years old, 1 week before college. I get my first makeout. We're sharing Pizza Rolls. Liz shows us her boobs. All is right with the world.

I get to go to college not feeling like a complete fucking pussy. But I haven't even given the kicker yet. Liz, the first girl I ever made out with in my human life, turns out to be a lesbian. So, I'm not so sure to this day if she even wanted the Pizza Rolls or if she just wanted to make out with the other girls. My first kiss came from a lesbian. A lesbian. So before you think you're pathetic. That your life sucks. That you'll die a virgin, Just remember me. Multiple chances. Multiple idiotic choices. One kiss when I was 18. If it can happen to me, it could happen to you. But on second thought, it probably wouldn't because I am better than you.

Ready? OK! C-H-E-E-R-L-E-A-D-I-N-G Is Not A Sport

I'm not an athlete, but I'd consider myself to be somewhat athletic. I played baseball for 12 years and basketball for about 6. I never could play football because my mom told me I was too small. Every year I heard a different excuse. Put on 10 lbs. Grow 6 inches. Stop wearing your sister's Ruby Red Slippers (The Wizard of Oz). And I obliged with each and every one of those demands, except for the last one. But still, no football. I guess you can say I've gotten over it. But I'll never get over people who say that cheerleading is a sport. Because it isn't.

There are many reasons as to why I feel this way. Cheerleading doesn't involve a ball, you only get hurt because the fatty who threw you in the air probably dropped you, and doing cartwheels is something you can excel at from about the age of 4. So I've taken the liberty of criticizing this, as well as other "sports" that people claim to have played in high school and/or college. And just because you got a varsity jacket does not exclude you from this list. There were people in my high school who had Varsity Choir jackets, and clearly, singing is not a sport. I do not expect any disagreement there.

For many years, I've gotten into arguments with people as to whether or not cheerleading is a sport. They claim the risks involved in it and how difficult it is to perform certain stunts. But the truth of the matter is that cheerleading does not involve any kind of natural or physical ability. I'm pretty sure that anybody can take up cheerleading at any point in time and be just as good and successful as everyone else. The only competition you have is if you're prettier than the other girls. And sometimes that's not even a requirement. I've seen some pretty disgusting, overweight cheerleaders in my day.

Some other "sports" that don't fit the bill include, but are not limited to: swimming, dancing, diving, equestrian, skiing, track and field, snowboarding, pretty much anything winter, and bowling. Although bowling does involve a ball, it is quite possibly the furthest thing from a sport. And don't complain to me about the difficulties of snowboarding and how it's so hard and the spins and flips in the air are cool. I don't give a shit. If you want to waste your parents hard-earned money on a piece of shit board and do flips and twirls in the air, be my guest. But please, don't make a mockery of people who actually are athletic and do things much more respectable.

I ran track in high school. I would consider myself a little better than average. I was fast, but I wasn't blowing by or blowing anyone. But never did I consider what I was doing to be a sport. It's more like an activity that takes a really long time to become decent at. I don't know how many hours I spent in my life running. And to what end? Once you stop running for a while, it's gone. All that hard work and time and energy spent for absolutely no reason. Same goes for every other activity I listed above. Same shit. It takes all this time out of you, but then it just vanishes once you realize what you're doing is fucking stupid.

Some college friends of mine were swimmers and God bless them because they were all great kids. But I still will not classify swimming as a sport. It involves moving your arms and legs in a really fast motion. And sure they were in elite shape and made people who use workout videos look like little virgins, but it's still not a sport. Same goes to the liberals who played Ultimate Frisbee on the Quad. You people are not athletes. You're just a bunch of tree-hugging Obama-loving assholes. When you become a parent one day, only purchase your child a varsity jacket if they played a real sport because you're going to end up with people like me telling your kids that, "I am better than you."