Being Gay Is Okayyyyyyyyy

On a sidebar, we finally hit 3,000 hits friends! It only took me 4 months, but we made it. Thank you all for continuing to read my bullshit on a day-to-day basis. Let's try and get the word out. Facebooking, Tweeting, reading it with your mom. Whatever. More readers will only help the content. On that happy note, since I've been on such a roll the past week, I wanted to delve into a controversial topic. Homosexuality. Yep, right here in black and white. How do I feel about it?, people would sometimes ask me. Here are my thoughts.

As I have mentioned numerous times before in other blog posts, my grammar school only had 12 kids in my grade by the time I graduated. 10 boys and 2 girls. There's clearly a reason as to why I turned out the way I did. But I was very sheltered at that school. There were no blacks, hispanics, asians, gays (at least that I knew of). I was stashed away in the annals of time wondering what else was out there. Then I made it to high school. And my oh my did things change. I was meeting people from all sorts of different backgrounds. It really opened my eyes.

One of the first people I started talking to in high school was gay. I didn't know it until nearly the end of high school, but nonetheless he was gay. Once I found out, it didn't change how I felt about him. He was still a normal person to me, we just had different tastes. Which is why I don't understand tv shows that frequently show males freaking out once they find out their friend is gay. I never liked or disliked someone because of their sexual orientation, especially after I had already become friends with them. You become their friend because you like them as a person, not for any other reason. So the high school television drama needs to cut the shit because it isn't realistic at all.

(Teddy kisses boys now)

Now that I have made my way around life I've come to meet a lot of different people. And I know quite a few gay people. It doesn't make me uncomfortable to be around them. But I'd be lying to you if I said it didn't make me feel awkward to see gay people making out in public. But that's not because I'm a homophobe. I don't like watching anybody make out in public. There's a time and a place for it asshole. But I also have to admit that watching it unfold on a tv show such as "90210" makes me uneasy. I guess it just doesn't feel right to me. But who decided what is right or wrong anyway? Piece of shit society.

Which brings me to my next point. When those idiot pilgrims left England in search for new land where they could bring their own religious beliefs, they landed at Plymouth Rock. Centuries later we had our own freedom to do anything we wanted. The Constitution was written partly to separate church and state. Yet, as far as I know, it's illegal to have same-sex marriage in a large chunk of the United States? Why is that? Because in the Bible it says that only man and woman are to wed and bear children? I thought we separated church and state. A very good friend of mine mentioned how divorce rates are sky-high in heterosexual couples. Why not give the gay community the rights they deserve and let them bring that number down a bit? At least let them try.

Lady Gaga is a huge advocate of the gays. My roomie in college showed me this video and I couldn't stop laughing. Not at the message she was trying to send, but the way she went about sending it. See for yourself.

All in all, being gay isn't a crime, nor should it be treated as one. I will keep my doings private as much as I'd like them to keep theirs private. I also don't think they all talk with lisps and like girly things. But that's just from my personal experiences. Maybe one day it won't be such a big deal to be a homosexual, but as for right now that day hasn't come. And to be honest, it's a real shame. I think all people deserve the right to be happy and do as they please. But one bad apple spoils the bunch, so to speak. I don't have an issue with the gays, but you already knew that because "I am better than you."

Oral Sex Is Causing Oral Cancer In Men. I Know What I Won't Do Anymore

A recent article published has declared that there is a correlation between men getting cancer in their mouths with the amount of oral sexes they are providing to women. (http://www.aolnews.com/2011/04/19/research-oral-sex-puts-men-at-risk-for-oral-cancer/) Since that appears to be the case, girls can forget about me doing that for them anymore. As a matter of fact, they can forget about me doing a lot of things for them. Who's to say that any other things I do out of the goodness of my heart won't result in some sort of illness. I've taken the liberty to provide a list of things I will no longer do for women because I value my life. Fuck yeah.

5. Take pictures

I know how much girls love to take pictures when they're out drinking. Back when Facebook used to be cool and allowed you the ability to stalk people's pictures, you'd always come across 3 girls pissing in a toilet or in the shower or even worse, in the sink. Those days are gone and thank goodness. I don't know how many pictures I've seen of girls taking pisses. What's the point? Of course I'd like to see you bottomless, but not while you're secreting urine from your hole. Staring at such pictures will probably cause cataracts or ocular cancer or something along those lines. I'm done taking pictures for you.

4. Work out

(Sweatshirts went out in '93 bro)

Rumor has it that girls like guys who work out. The bigger the muscles, the wetter the panties. I find that hard to believe considering the amount of girls I've made out with in my life. (8 by age 23? Not too shabby) But it's now something I'm not doing anymore. Sometimes I would go for a run and lift the 3 lbs. dumbells that my mom has, but I won't touch 'em again. They say the way to a girl's heart is to buy her Tiffany's, agree on everything, and the ability to throw her against the wall, of course in a completely consenual way. By not working out, I save myself the probability of acquiring bicep/tricep/shoulder cancer. 2 for 2.

3. Clean

I don't mean that kind of cleaning, you know the kind that women are especially good at. I mean the kind of cleaning that I do. Do you know what I did with my toothpaste, shampoo, soap, and shaving cream once I heard about the oral cancer? Yep, you guessed it. It went right in the trash. Girls love it when guys take care of themselves and make themselves presentable. I won't subject myself to it anymore. Nope. I used to trim my beard, wash my body, clean my hair, brush my teeth, but I can't see myself doing any of those things anymore. Not with the risk of hair cancer, skin cancer, or gum cancer. Way too risky. Sorry girls, the juice ain't worth the squeeze.

2. Watch tv

This one hurts me a lot. Like a whole lot. I really like watching tv. It's probably my greatest pastime. But the next time I get a girlfriend, I mean if, I will not cuddle in bed and watch television with her. Not when I'm forced to watch 'The Bachelorette', 'Desperate Housewives', 'Grey's Anatomy', '90210', and other terrible shows. That guy in the picture is only smiling because deep down he hopes that by wasting 2 hours of his life watching a slut make her decision about who she wants to get fucked by next week, that he will be rewarded with oral sex. Little does he know that oral sex is the devil now. I bet it was a female researcher. My brain and eyes are safe from cancer.

1. Shop

Oh give me a break asshole. Everyone who is looking at this picture knows you're full of shit. You have two bags in your hand and neither look like they're from Victoria's Secret, so we know you aren't having sexy sex tonight. I can't understand why girls love to shop. But I won't partake in it anymore. I never really did anyway. Shopping is my least favorite activity in the whole wide world. I'd almost rather eat a stalk of celery than waste 6 hours of my day watching you shop for things you can't really afford. Going shopping with women probably results in hand cancer, arm cancer, brain cancer, mouth cancer, ear cancer, and heart cancer. There's only so much a man can take before his body gives out on him. This is why I will never go shopping again.

Aren't I great or what? I single-handedly am abandoning all those great things that I used to do for women because I'm terrified of getting all those different kinds of cancer. And now by writing about it, I'm saving all the guys from cancer too. When they make more statues of me you can say you were there when I achieved such a lofty, prestigious honor. Until then, keep women away from. I do because "I am better than you."