Tattoos Are More Popular Than Microwaves In The 70s

Finally I have returned to my forum to express my thoughts. After another unsettling few days, I will unleash more of my correct opinions. I was lying (laying?), I still don't know when to use either one, in bed watching television on Saturday afternoon collecting my thoughts because I had nothing else to do. So I let my mind wander and found myself gazing at the screen and noticing something startling. It was the St. John's-Villanova basketball game and every asshole on the court had tattoos. All 10 of them. I decided to do a little bit of research and the results were disheartening. Tattoos are cool now.

I looked at some photos from the 80s involving the Lakers and the Celtics. None of them pictured had any tats. Zero. When I looked at a picture from last season's NBA Finals, only 4 of the 10 starters had tats, but 6 of the key bench players did as well. So not my best example, but the point is tattoos are huge in not only basketball, but athletics in general. Basketball is also the most noticeable because they wear tank tops. But you can also see how prevalent they are in football, too. Even some clowns who play baseball have them. Look at Eric Hinske's back tattoo.

That is without a doubt the worst tattoo in the history of the world. I don't care what his reasoning is, it looks awful. For the rest of his life, that mural will be on his back. I've taken shits that have looked better than this travesty. But it's not only athletics where tattoos are creeping into. Mainstream musicians are getting into the act. Google 'John Mayer Sleeve'. Appalled? I certainly am. Sure it looks cool as shit, but to see that mess on that sweetheart's arm is just upsetting. You can only get tats if you're in a shitty metal band that no one listens to or if you're a cover band trying to pay this month's rent.

But wait, it goes even further. Megan Fox is a walking pile of ink. She has a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her forearm and verses in script on her ribs/back. I can understand if guys want to pollute their bodies with permanent ink because for the most part we're fucking idiots and don't know good ideas from bad ones. But a beautiful female? No one wants to look at that shit while penetration is occurring. It would probably get me thinking about how many guys splooged all over the targets. And that my friend is a thought that should not occur during sexual intercourse. Especially with someone like Meg.

And of course, their are those of us who get tattoos because they mean something special to us. Reminiscing about a lost loved one, whether it be a family member, a friend, or maybe even a pet. Completely understandable. If it is small and has significant value, I'm all for it. But way too often tattoos are seen as the cool thing to do. In 10 years, you will be looking back at what you did to your body and regret it immediately. For those pieces of shit, haha asshole. Once seen as taboo has now become mainstream and cool. So I will ride off into the sunset with my Dick Vitale tattoo on my ass, chanting along the way, "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://youbeenblinded.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/eric-hinske-tattoo.jpg

Ready? OK! C-H-E-E-R-L-E-A-D-I-N-G Is Not A Sport

I'm not an athlete, but I'd consider myself to be somewhat athletic. I played baseball for 12 years and basketball for about 6. I never could play football because my mom told me I was too small. Every year I heard a different excuse. Put on 10 lbs. Grow 6 inches. Stop wearing your sister's Ruby Red Slippers (The Wizard of Oz). And I obliged with each and every one of those demands, except for the last one. But still, no football. I guess you can say I've gotten over it. But I'll never get over people who say that cheerleading is a sport. Because it isn't.

There are many reasons as to why I feel this way. Cheerleading doesn't involve a ball, you only get hurt because the fatty who threw you in the air probably dropped you, and doing cartwheels is something you can excel at from about the age of 4. So I've taken the liberty of criticizing this, as well as other "sports" that people claim to have played in high school and/or college. And just because you got a varsity jacket does not exclude you from this list. There were people in my high school who had Varsity Choir jackets, and clearly, singing is not a sport. I do not expect any disagreement there.

For many years, I've gotten into arguments with people as to whether or not cheerleading is a sport. They claim the risks involved in it and how difficult it is to perform certain stunts. But the truth of the matter is that cheerleading does not involve any kind of natural or physical ability. I'm pretty sure that anybody can take up cheerleading at any point in time and be just as good and successful as everyone else. The only competition you have is if you're prettier than the other girls. And sometimes that's not even a requirement. I've seen some pretty disgusting, overweight cheerleaders in my day.

Some other "sports" that don't fit the bill include, but are not limited to: swimming, dancing, diving, equestrian, skiing, track and field, snowboarding, pretty much anything winter, and bowling. Although bowling does involve a ball, it is quite possibly the furthest thing from a sport. And don't complain to me about the difficulties of snowboarding and how it's so hard and the spins and flips in the air are cool. I don't give a shit. If you want to waste your parents hard-earned money on a piece of shit board and do flips and twirls in the air, be my guest. But please, don't make a mockery of people who actually are athletic and do things much more respectable.

I ran track in high school. I would consider myself a little better than average. I was fast, but I wasn't blowing by or blowing anyone. But never did I consider what I was doing to be a sport. It's more like an activity that takes a really long time to become decent at. I don't know how many hours I spent in my life running. And to what end? Once you stop running for a while, it's gone. All that hard work and time and energy spent for absolutely no reason. Same goes for every other activity I listed above. Same shit. It takes all this time out of you, but then it just vanishes once you realize what you're doing is fucking stupid.

Some college friends of mine were swimmers and God bless them because they were all great kids. But I still will not classify swimming as a sport. It involves moving your arms and legs in a really fast motion. And sure they were in elite shape and made people who use workout videos look like little virgins, but it's still not a sport. Same goes to the liberals who played Ultimate Frisbee on the Quad. You people are not athletes. You're just a bunch of tree-hugging Obama-loving assholes. When you become a parent one day, only purchase your child a varsity jacket if they played a real sport because you're going to end up with people like me telling your kids that, "I am better than you."

I Won The Spelling Bee In Eighth Grade; I'm Destined For Greatness

The greatest athletes and entertainers knew from a very distinct point in life that they were going to be great. Quarterbacks often go back to a pee-wee league game in which they threw for 500 yards. Actors after they were the lead in 'Annie' in high school. But my moment of truth occurred in 2002. It was a crisp, cool afternoon in February. The atmosphere seemed to revolve around me for the first time. I knew going into this day, that I was going to dominate my fellow classmates for the umpteenth time. The rest as you might say is history.

Growing up, I used to watch the Scripps National Spelling Bee on ESPN because they clearly only show masculine, sports-related programming. Spelling bees are THE definition of sports. It takes a sharp mind and impeccable demeanor to capture the greatest prize in the game. Despite the fact that I didn't compete in the National Bee, I came pretty close by winning the school bee. Let me paint a picture for you.

My class contained 12 students, including myself. Two of them were girls, and I'm pretty sure three of them were immigrants. I immediately have five people eliminated from the competition. It didn't make matters much better that my teacher had no idea how to run the competition either. Regardless, the odds were in my favor. So one by one we took our turn spelling words. There goes one immigrant, one girl, another immigrant, and then another. My prediction was coming to fruition by the second. Call me Nostradamus. My greatest challenge to victory was my cockiness. But is it really being cocky when you know you're that good? That isn't hypothetical. Is it?

Naturally, I won the Spelling Bee. And do you know what word I won with? Mind you this is eighth grade, not third. Brace yourself. Ready?......Icicle. I won the school spelling bee by correctly spelling I-C-I-C-L-E. Now, I know I'm a pretty smart guy. As far as I can tell however, it was not because of the Catholic school education I was receiving. I think I was just supplied with a big fucking brain and an absurdly impressive memory. Eighth grade spelling bee and I won by spelling icicle. How do you think the other kids in that class fared? The ones who weren't so bright? I don't know because I don't speak to any of them. For the three of them who might be reading this, I obviously am not talking about you. But that shouldn't matter because I still won.

2002 marked the beginning of a destiny. A fate that would see me begin to make my mark on the world. I conquered New Jersey. I fucked Virginia right in the butt, without KY Jelly. The possibilites are endless. That February afternoon marked the beginning of a dynasty that will never be taken over. That is until I supply the world with some of my offspring. Frankenstein Scooter and James Skeeter. Those names are trademarked for my next of kin, don't even think about naming your stupid kids such eloquent identifiers. Because all that will do is prove my greatness and as the saying goes, "I am better than you."