First Impression Mike Strikes Again!

I have a talent. A real genuine talent that very few others can claim. I have the distinction of making very memorable first impressions. People rarely forget who I am after they meet me, and some would contest that that's a beautiful thing. Those who are contesting have obviously never met "First Impression Mike". You can say that in your life, you only have one chance to make a first impression with somebody. Once they already know you it's too late. Knowing this, I have made the worst first impressions in the history of mankind. Ask my college roommates/friends that have the distinction of calling me First Impression Mike about it. I'm sure they can tell you many unflattering things, not because I make good ones, but in fact the complete opposite.

I never quite made the connection until they started calling me that. I either make a really offensive, non-funny joke, say something completely uncalled for and vulgar, ridicule them for being far more inferior to me, or a combination of all of the above. And my reasoning for such first impressions was because I wanted to test the waters with these people I was just meeting. How would they handle me telling them that they look like a fucking moron? That I don't care what they do for a living, I'm just trying to make bullshit conversation? That I don't care if their daughter gets raped? Or just talking openly about some of my sexual exploits, none of which involve penetration because I'm still waiting for the right girl. (Really, no one is willing to take the card.) This is how I based my pending friendship with them.

But yesterday was different. March 5, 2011 was a unique day in the history of First Impression Mike. For the first time since I can remember, I didn't fuck up. I met someone and I didn't fuck it up. At this stage in my life, being a 22-year-old single male with great looks and a great personality, when I go out I should be approaching girls and trying to get into their pants. But instead, I started talking to a guy about my life. (No, I'm not for the gays) Nice guy who was learning the very basic ins-and-outs of a very wonderful human, me. Next thing you know, my work situation comes up. Since I'm unemployed I begin to explain how I hate my life. He shoots back at me with a business card and tells me to send him my resume so he could, in turn, send it to some people he knows. Things are looking up.

Now before you get creeped out, he wasn't just some rando. He's friends with my sister-ish and she apparently put in the good word prior to our meeting. Was he aware of my true identity? I doubt it seriously. I mean, it's not like we look alike or anything. But regardless, I easily could have fucked up that encounter. All it would take would be for me to say something stupid, like "Who's dick did you suck to get your job?" But I refrained. I used a social filter. Why? Beats me. But I can remember not even thinking such vulgar, asinine comments in my brain. Am I finally growing up? Anything is possibleeee.

So for the first time in a long while, I have something to look forward to. Nothing was promised to me, but the idea that somebody is going to attempt to help me out is a step in the right direction. I'm beginning to think that I should act more appropriately when I first meet people because it might turn out that they like me and might try to help me with different problems I might be having. I went from being the Zagat rated #1 Worst First Impressionist in 2008, to a respectable human that could hold a normal conversation. Blue skies might be flying over my horizon real soon, and for that I must say "I am better than you."

Horrorscopes

So while on break at work, I was eavesdropping on a couple people and listened adamantly while they talked about their horrorscopes. My co-worker even described his attitude as that of a "Gemini". I never really thought about it until then, but something clicked in me upon hearing it. Horrorscopes are fucking stupid. If you are dumb enough to believe that you act a certain way because of what your astrological sign is, you are a fucking moron.

You act the way you do because your parents raised you a certain way, and his parents obviously did a shitty job because he thinks he fights with his girlfriend because their signs clash. You probably fight with your girlfriend because she realizes how fucking stupid you are but already committed herself in a long-term relationship and doesn't have the courage to just break up with you.

I immediately left the break room. I couldn't handle anymore of that ridiculous conversation. Which brings me to my next thought as to why some bouncers at bars and clubs ask you what your sign is upon looking at your I.D. How about you just swipe my card in the fucking machine that's about 3 inches from your fat head. Like I'm supposed to know what my sign is? What the fuck is an Aries or Sagittarius anyways? People talk about how great the 60s were with the birth of Baby Boomers and all that shit, but these are the same knuckleheads who sang songs like this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjxSCAalsBE

No wonder our economy is so shitty. All these goofballs who listen to this music and smoke pot on a frequent basis are the presidents and CEOs of companies. But I digress. The moral of the story is next time you consider reading a horrorscope just remember it'll probably say something like, "I am better than you".