The 5 Best Reality Shows Ever...Ever

I like watching the television. In fact, if you give me the option of reading a book or parking my ass on a couch and watching tv all day, I would most certainly watch the tv. I mostly watch ESPN to make me feel more masculine than I actually am. And after having watched SportsCenter 5 times, I eventually turn the channel to HGTV. Some of the programs on there on how to make your house look nice as shit, and watching people buying houses abroad are fucking awesome. And then I watch SyFy original movies because they are sooooo bad that they are actually quite enjoyable. That's for another post though. So today I want to dissect the best reality shows ever made for television, because at times I watched these shitty shows too.

5. Battle of the Bods - This show was featured primarily on the Fox Reality Channel. It was an original series and as far as I know was only shown on the aforementioned channel. The whole concept of the show was to put 5 girls in a room together and rank themselves based on their face, tits, and another part of the body. There would be 3 guys in a separate room ranking them and the girls would get money for making the right guesses. It was so incredible because there was always one really ugly girl, one really attractive girl, and three mediocre girls. They all thought they were hot and all ripped each other apart for being bitches. Whoever thought of this was obviously a genius because all women are are pieces of meat and that's how they should be objectified. If they are willing to degrade themselves by going on the show, I can degrade them for being slutty and whorish.

4. America's Next Top Model - The purpose of this show was to put a semi-retarded former model, a flamboyantly gay "fashion" guru, and another former supermodel on a panel to judge women they thought would be the next top model. It's as if the producers of the show spanned the entire U.S. and the world for the most obnoxious, disgusting, vile humans they could find. For some God-awful reason, it has been on for like 14 seasons or something despicable like that. They've never actually found a top model and the closest they came was after season 1 when Adrianne Curry was announced the winner. She went on to star on another piece of shit reality show called "The Surreal Life" and ended up meeting her husband, Peter Brady or whatever the fuck his real name is. But now they are getting divorced and she is completely irrelevant once again. Oh wait, she never was in the first place. A+ for this shitpile.

3. The Amazing Race - This is a scavenger hunt that lasts several weeks. They always have a couple that has a blind/deaf/mute person, two bimbos, former athletes, former couples, married old pieces of shit who just won't die, and siblings. This show has also spanned way too many seasons because it is the exact same show over and over and over again. I took a presentational speaking class in college because it was required for my major. There was a girl in my class who did a speech on the Amazing Race. Or as she put it, The Amazzzzzzzzzingggggggg Race. It was a goal of hers to make it on to the show. Unfortunately for her, she was in one of the ugly sororities at my school and wanted world domination. All you have to do is say that at the audition and your ass is toasted. Can this shit get cancelled already?

2. The Bachelor/Bachelorette - I was really on the fence about this one. I know it makes sense for me to like the one where 25 girls are, but the 25 guys seem to make it a hell of a lot more interesting. You get one somewhat attractive female fawning over all these meathead douchebag losers. All they are trying to do is get into her pants, perform 10-15 seconds of oral sex on her, make her orgasm, and then stick it in. They get maximum exposure because the show is on ABC and they look like real gentlemen. The shows last probably like 4 weeks, yet they all manage to fall in love and get engaged and live happily ever after. Except it's really hard to fall in love with someone in such a short time frame. That's probably why only one couple has managed to stay together after like 20 runs of each show. The 25 women are all usually clingy as fuck and crazy, and the one girl is usually downtrodden because she finished in 2nd on the Bachelor. But hell, it's some of the most entertaining shit you can watch for 2 hours on a Monday. I mean, it's like a trainwreck. You don't want to see dangling body parts, yet you just can't look away.

1. Temptation Island - This concept completely blows my shit. You're in a committed relationship. You've been with your partner for roughly one year and you have yet to hit any bumps in the road. You practically live together and are deeply in love. Fox has an open casting for a television show that sends you to a faraway island where it will be pretty much just you two. But then they throw you a curveball and tell you 3 other couples will be with you. Okay, still not too bad. But here comes the changeup. There are going to be 13 hot as shit men and women surrounding the beaches. The show is called Temptation Island and we want to film you cheating on your partner. Sound good? You better believe your ass it does. What this show proved was that all girls are really sluts. All of them cheat given the "temptation" and show little to no remorse in doing so. You can't say you love your partner after you just cheated on him with 13 other guys simultaneously. Actually, getting gangbanged is probably the opposite of love. I think this show built up guys expectations of what to expect from women because they are practically all the same.

So, are you going to go to Hulu.com and watch all of these shows right now? Oh, you can't because you're at your fucking job? Wait until you get home, post up, and watch as many as you can because they are all fucking great/terrible. I know I'm going to. What am I busy? No. No I am not. Because "I am better than you."

The Royal Wedding And Other Things That I Give Two Shits Less About

As of this writing, the most important pop culture spectacular has yet to occur. But since you read these exciting publications when you should be working, it will have already taken place. I'm talking about the Royal Wedding. You know, the one with William and Kate. The prince and the commoner. I went to Wal-Mart today to get my passport photo taken and while I was waiting around for it, I ventured to the books/magazines section. And what do I see staring right back at me? A magazine dedicated to the extraordinary life of Kate Middleton. Jesus fucking Christ. I could give two shits less.

I don't give a shit about what people think about me. I'm pretty sure if you have ever come into contact with me, you understand that. I say whatever is on my mind and with no qualms whatsoever. If you don't like what I have to say. Fuck you. If you don't like me because I'm too vulgar. Fuck you. If you think I'm too offensive. Fuck you. You get the idea. I've come to realize after 23 years of existence that you're going to come across people who don't like you no matter what you do. You can cater to them, be friendly, give them the shirt off your back, and they still won't like you. So fuck them.

I don't give a shit about what you have to say on your Facebook status. Every afternoon when I wake up, I turn my computer on, read up on espn.com, and then I click Facebook. People who narrate their entire lives on Facebook are the devil. Nobody gives a shit about what you have to say. I don't care that you just had the runs because you ate an old Greek salad. I don't care if you're going to the hospital to get some bloodwork done. I don't care if you quote actresses that have been dead for 50 years. I don't care. Stop interfering with my newsfeed and pissing me off simultaneously.

I don't give a shit about whether or not Obama was born in the United States. Yes, it says in the Constitution that every president needs to be a natural born citizen. What the fuck does that mean anyway? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the president of our country needing to have been born here, but at the present time don't we have more important issues to be thinking about? Like how our unemployment rate is hovering around 9%? How that goofball in office promised to pull our troops out of Afghanistan/Iraq, yet we still have all of them there? Let's stop making a big deal about his birth certificate and concentrate on how to improve our country.

I don't give a shit about cats. In fact, I hate them. I'm allergic to them. I think they're ugly. I think their tongues with the texture of sandpaper is fucking retarded. Who needs to self-cleanse themselves? Jump in the fucking tub in your house, stupid cat. You'd think they'd try to clean themselves properly instead of licking themselves. What a stupid fucking breed of animal. Anybody who likes cats more than dogs deserves to be homeless. (Cough Anna cough. It's okay you can stay living in your apartment)

There are a lot of other things that I don't give a shit about, but I think you've gotten the point by now. The Royal Wedding is just another publicity stunt to divert our attention away from the actual relevant problems we have in the world. And yes, maybe it's grandiose for all the girls who grew up wishing they could be a princess and are envious of Kate Middleton because she gets to live that dream in the next couple of hours. But Kate Middleton is a lot more attractive than any of you will ever be and that's why she's marrying the prince of England. So go back to running on the treadmill trying to lose those last 3 lbs. to make you a size 12 instead of a 14. Go back to eating the Big Macs and French Fries that make you hard to look at in the first place. But don't think for one second that I don't hate you. Because I do. And it's only because "I am better than you."