5. Kal-el (Nicolas Cage + Alice Kim)
If you are a devoted reader to the blog, you already know my feelings on Nicolas Cage. (See January: Charlie Sheen Is A Maverick etc.) So in spite of him being the shittiest actor ever, he decides to ruin his child's life from birth. Kal-el Cage. Since 99% of you aren't huge nerds, let me explain the name Kal-el. Kal-el is also known as Superboy, you know the guy who grows up to become SUPERMAN. Are you fucking kidding me Nic? You think your half-Asian child is going to grow up to be Superman? What a pipe dream. Why didn't you just name him Clark like every other parent who has fantasies about Superman. Why choose Kal-el? Oh right. Because you're a piece of shit actor with a just as shitty wife. Fuck off idiots.
4. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee + Beth Riesgraf)
Your name is Earl and you are a fucking moron. What more can be said after naming your child that? On your dumb sitcom, the premise of the show was to go back and make amends for all the wrongs you did in your life. It was called the Karma Payment Plan. (Now I have a friend with the same title for a blog. Loser) Too bad you aren't more like Charlie Sheen and let your art imitate your life because then you could go back to the day your child was born and rename him/her. This is easily the biggest regret of your life. Were you a fan of Inspector Gadget or something as a kid? Do you not know how to spell? These are questions that I don't have the answers to but I wish I did. P.S. Your wife is hot as shit.
3. Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow + Debbon Ayer)
I've always joked, kinda, about how I was going to name my child Dracula Scooter because in reality Dracula is a powerful name and my kid is going to get the shit kicked out of him regardless. So let him have a cool name at least. But this name clearly came from somebody who lost a bet. Or was double-doggy dared to name his kid Tu. Rob Morrow is another actor who has little success in the film industry but made a real splash by naming his kid Tu. Tu Morrow. Tomorrow. Is your daughter a representation of the things that you wish would get better like your movie career, tomorrow? Huh, Rob? Because this is clearly the meanest name you could possibly give someone. It isn't even funny or cute. It's just pure evil. At least the other names on the list are stupid because they're completely made up. But this was just done with malice. I hope you never make another movie you dirtbag.
2. Moxie CrimeFighter, Zolten (Penn + Emily Jillette)
Two summers ago, we had just signed up for DirecTV in my house. With the package came 3 free months of HBO, Showtime, Starz, and Encore. During said time there was a show on Showtime late night featuring Penn and Teller. Now, I've never found these two to be all that great magicians, illusionists, entertainers, or whatever you call them nowadays. But I watched in earnest because, well, it was free. If I hadn't lost all respect for Penn watching the show, it certainly came after I saw what he named his children. Moxie CrimeFighter and Zolten. Google image his wife and then you'll see why this was allowed. I'm not even against the Moxie portion of the name, it's the CrimeFighter. Why did you have to put that there Penn? Why? And Zolten? Were you watching a really bad porno and that was one of the black Greek gods? It hurts me to think that there is a worse name /s than these two.
So here it is. The Number 1 worst name/s in the history of the world. What could be worse than Moxie CrimeFighter and Zolten...
1. Moon Unit, Diva Muffin, and Dweezil (Frank + Gail Zappa)
I'm not kidding. Those are actually those adults' names. Frank Zappa was a musician in the 60s and gained his notoriety with the band, The Mothers of Invention. It's kinda sad though, that he was more noted for the horrible horrible names he gave to his children as opposed to the music he wrote and played. But it's all thanks to him and his wife Gail that all these celebrities give their children atrocious names. So he's a legend for all the wrong reasons. I remember when my uncle first told me about Dweezil and Moon Unit. I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever heard. Like why would you name your child that? But here I am, making a reference to them all these years later. The power stupidity has is scary. Thanks Frank and Gail for helping me make a mockery of you and your children.
There it is. The top 10 worst names in the history of the world. Do you think I missed out on anyone? Any names you think are worse? Write them down, put it in an envelope, and shove it up your ass because your opinions are wrong and mine are right. That's what happens when "I am better than you."
No comments:
Post a Comment