Dinosaurs Are NOT Real And I Can Prove It

When I first made this statement off-hand a little while ago, I was looked at like a buffoon. Little did my detractors know that I had proof that dinosaurs never existed. My proof? A brain. From the very beginning of our lives, we learned in school about dinosaurs that used to walk the earth and run shit. They ate plants, each other, or both. But nobody saw any of these dinosaurs because they existed 34,000,000 million years ago or some other bullshit like that. So first you want me to believe that something like 25x the size of an elephant existed? And then you want me to believe that the earth is that old? Now that's some psycho-babble bullshit.

Yes I saw Role Models. Yes I am aware of birds. No don't be a dumbass and think to yourself that they are what's left of the dinosaurs. Dinosaurs never existed. They were made up by people who wanted to travel the world and needed an excuse from the government for funding. I'm almost 100% certain that a liberal was in office when archaelogists became a profession. It is almost as respectable as being a climatologist. Whereas we watch the weathermen/women be wrong in predicting weather three days in the future, we have people who watch patterns over a longer period of time and try to predict it. So they don't know the weather at the end of the week but can tell me what it will be in June? Hot, I'm sure.

Think about it. I live in New Jersey. One of the shittiest states in the Union besides Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Connecticut. Why is it that there are no dinosaur fossils anywhere near the United States? If this whole Pangaea nonsense is in fact true and the entire world was connected together at one point, wouldn't the fossils be spread around evenly? So they typically only find fossils in Canyon-like areas in the Middle East or Africa or Australia. But never in North America? Hmm. That seems a bit off to me. Needless to say, archaelogists have also never found an entire dinosaurs' remains. And don't you dare say because it's 34,000,000 million years old. It's because they never existed.

So what is it that you say those fossils are then? Simple. Just plain animals. They predict based on the fossils they found what the dinosaur would have looked like instead of accepting what that animal they just found actually looked like. Stop believing everything you read. Dinosaurs aren't real. And this doesn't have anything to do with my religious beliefs. In fact, I don't have any. At all. I simply don't believe dinosaurs existed because it seems too improbable. That's why I never saw Jurassic Park. And because I think Jeff Goldblum is the second worst actor of all-time, behind Nicolas Cage. However, you already knew that.

The only good thing about dinosaurs are the films "The Land Before Time". All of them. Great story, great editing, strong script, and superb voices. In all honesty, those movies are more believable than actual dinosaurs. Littlefoot is the most badass character in any animated film ever. You wouldn't want to mess with him because he was on a mission, going for some payback for his momma getting killed. Excellent film that gets my approval. Not an easy feat.

Down the road, when somebody chooses to have sex with you and get pregnant with your first child, make sure you teach that ugly piece of shit that dinosaurs never have existed. It will be in your best interest as well as the future generations if they are taught from an early age not to believe in fake things. Much like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. They will turn out living a much better life and you have me to thank for it. Let's applaud me for doing a great service for these United States. All just because "I am better than you."