The Top 10 Greatest Songs Of The 90s. And By 90s I Mostly Mean 1996-1999. (Part 1)

I really like 90s music. It's as if I'm living in the past and I can't get unstuck. So I sit in my room and listen to my iTunes. And when I'm not listening to that I put on Pandora. By the way, Pandora really sucks dick now. They have commercials for soap.com literally every other song. I don't want to hear about code soap guy anymore. It ruined the integrity of the website. But back to business. Anyone who has the ability to listen to music should know that the 90s provided some of the best music ever recorded in the history of the Earth. Bands like Nirvana, Third Eye Blind, and The Backstreet Boys dominated the airwaves. So I give you the honor of reading the Top 10 Greatest Songs of the 90s. And by 90s I mean mostly from 1996-1999.

10. Duncan Sheik - "Barely Breathing"

First of all, what is a Duncan Sheik? I know it isn't his name because noone would allow their child to go through that daily living hell. However, this song is one of my personal favorites. Lyrically, it's fascinating, relaying the pains of an ended relationship. Marvelous Duncan. The guitar tickles my eardrums and his voice is like a virgin goddess. It's a real shame that he decided to quit making popular music and start a Tony-award winning career on Broadway. Heard of Spring Awakening? Me neither.

9. Paula Cole - "I Don't Want To Wait"

If the first thing you think of isn't Dawson's Creek, you are totally full of shit and an asshole. This song represents the greatest drama produced for teenagers and young adults for the year ending 1998. Katie Holmes in her prime and a dieseled James Van Der Beek. Beautiful. I'm also pretty confident that Ms. Cole and her hairy armpits won a Grammy for this love ballad. And in all honesty, if it wasn't the theme song for the aforementioned cult classic drama, I wouldn't have included it in this list. But today you get a reprieve Paula. You're welcome.

8. Sugar Ray - "Fly"

Perhaps a guilty pleasure to like Sugar Ray. Or perhaps it's the ability to hear what good music sounds like. Mark McGrath probably got more than a handful of girls and guys to drop their panties in the late 90s. The music was so generic and bland that it had mass appeal. There was nothing special about Sugar Ray. McGrath has a shitty voice, but it all came together for everyone's enjoyment. Plus, how could you not like a former host of Entertainment Tonight and currently, Don't Forget the Lyrics!

7. Ricky Martin - "Livin' La Vida Loca"

It's not possible to bypass Ricky Martin on this list. This song made it socially acceptable to enjoy listening to Latin music again. It was previously banned after the whole Selena incident and movie that Jennifer Lopez ruined. But thanks to Ricky Martin, "Upside inside out. She's livin la vida loca." I don't know what the fuck that means, but it doesn't take away from blowing my mind. And did you see those sweet leather pants/assless chaps he's wearing? Incredible to have so much audacity. I'm also not surprised that he is a homosexual, not that there's anything wrong with that.

6. Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Under The Bridge"

So I included one song not from the Golden Age of music. But that's ok, this song rocks my socks. Any time you can open up to the masses about something that's really sensitive and personal, I have to give my respects. True story, it's said that Anthony Kiedis wrote this song in his journal as a poem only to be discovered by his agent. His agent in turn asked him to write music to it because it was a sure-fire hit. Hesitant at first, he finally obliged and well as they say, the rest is history. He's not the first person to suffer from drug addiction, and certainly he won't be the last. But to tell everyone and their mother about it, I'm impressed. You win 6th place.

(To be continued tomorrow.)

Home-Schoolers: The Very Best Steps In How To Lose Your Virginity

It's no secret that being home-schooled is a prerequisite for being a virgin. That is, unless you live in the South and have sex with your mom, dad, sister, and/or brother (Yuck!). But people do it and life goes on. Since I'm feeling very generous today, I decided to make a list as to the ways that you can lose your virginity after being dosed with some home-schooling. All you have to do is follow these important steps to getting that much closer to the panty drop.

1.) Learn to play an instrument. Since you will be stuck at home anyway, you might as well spend some of that time learning how to play an instrument. The best choice would be a harp. Harps are pretty fuckin' cool instruments and they were supposedly played by angels and shit. Imagine the feedback you will get from a girl or guy if you tell them you can play "Careless Whisper" by George Michael on the harp. Immediate drippage. But if you can't get a harp, go with a guitar. Some girls seem to like them too. (e.g. John Mayer, Jack Johnson)

2.) Play a sport. Girls love a guy that is athletic. They want to mooch off of him and take all the money he earns playing his respective sport. My choice? Bowling. A great fucking activity. It's cheap as shit to play, it requires a ball, you can get drunk playing it, and you can wear your shirt at a nightclub. Everthing I just mentioned is fantastic. Plus, after she realizes that you were home-schooled and wants your eventual marriage to end, she won't get any money because bowling is the only sport where you lose money playing it.

3.) Get drunk. This is by far the most common, and easiest way to lose your virginity. But chances are that since you were home-schooled you don't know how to hold a conversation. That's where getting drunk comes in. Everything seems to come naturally when you get hammered. You start talking about the time you saw your mom watching porno during your recess, or the the time you gave your 13-year-old brother a bubble bath after arts & crafts. She will be amused because she will think you are joking. But you won't understand because you'll already be so drunk. So remember, being drunk means being not a virgin.

4.) Tell a joke, or several. I brought up in step 3 how she will think you are joking and probably have sex with you. Bingo! Jokes are girl's ultimate downfall. If you can make her laugh, you can make her orgasm. The best way to make her laugh is to tell her a funny joke, like, "I'm really sad. My dick just died. I was wondering if I could bury it in your ass." She will think that is absolutely hysterical and proceed to provide 10 minutes of oral sexy time. After which, you can have normal sex with her and lose your virginity once and for all.

5.) Treat her like shit. If none of the aforementioned steps have worked, you are doing something wrong. In any case, you can resort to treating her like shit. Approach her and tell her something mean-spirited, but not so mean that she will kill herself or even worse, cry. Something like, "Hey, I thought Cougar Night was on Wednesdays." She will immediately feel old and worthless and her self-esteem will drop to the floor, hopefully right next to where her underwear will land. All you have to do is keep up the insults with some nice things thrown in to land her in your twin-sized bed in the basement.

It's that simple. Now I personally have never had sex nor have I been home-schooled, but I would imagine that such things will work based on the television shows I watch on my twin-sized bed in the basement...And never forget to tell her that, "I am better than you."