Regrets. A Fun Word, But Not A Fun Thought

I bought a Limp Bizkit CD, Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water, when I was in 7th grade. I listened to it probably around 70 times. I knew all the lyrics by heart. That was one of the worst regrets I have in my entire life. Are you shocked? Something as meaningless as a CD in 7th grade as one of my biggest regrets? Well don't be because if you knew me at all, you would understand that I don't regret anything. That's not necessarily true, but there are very few things in my life that I regret. A Limp Bizkit CD is most assuredly one of them. Now let's take a look back at some of the dumber things I can be noted for.

(Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin', uh)

I previously mentioned my making out with baby seals in my 'Beer Goggles' piece. However, I don't mark that or any other ill-conceived make-outs in college because they made for funny stories. All my friends know them and mock me for them on a somewhat consistent basis. Also because I keep bringing them up. I can say I have 3 real regrets in my entire life. Things that I would change if I could go back in time right now and fix them. Just 3. And now I will put them in the order of smallest-to-biggest regrets. Brace yourselves.

3. I was somewhat popular in high school. I was voted class clown and people knew me as the funny kid who never got ass. That was 5 years ago. But there was one particular moment of my lack of ass-getting that I never seemed to let slip away. I can recall distinctly that it was my sophomore year of high school. I had just finished track practice and was on my way back to the boys locker room via the gym. A girl approached me. But she wasn't just any girl. She was a smart, pretty girl. One of the prettiest girls in my grade. I should mention that at this point in time I had yet to makeout with a girl. (Or guy for you jokesters out there) She told me that she was willing to "help me out" with my problem. That was it. Nice and simple. But guess what? You know where this is going. I didn't take the offer. I still don't have a reason.

2. I brought this up earlier also in another blog post. My sophomore year of college was a swell time. No RA's. Beer whenever we could get someone to buy it for us with a fake I.D. The works. Life was pretty sweet. But it didn't start out so sweet. I was helping to move-in a former neighbor from freshman year. I was talking to her mom. She told me to take care of her and make sure nothing happens to her. I told her mom that, "No. I don't care about her. I'm just going to let her walk home alone and get raped." Her mom didn't like me much after that and heck, who could blame her. Rape is no joking matter. I guess the hint of sarcasm in my voice wasn't enough to soften the blow of telling her I didn't care if her daughter got raped. Yep, that's me.

1. I was in Kmart with my mom. She told me I could pick out one toy that I wanted. Any toy. At this point in time I was a huge geek for Inspector Gadget. It's a brilliant cartoon with some zany moments. He always fucked up. Hilarity ensued. They just so happened to have some Inspector Gadget toys. A field day for me! But which one do I pick? If you know the cartoon you should be aware that Dr. Claw never showed his face. Not once. Not ever. He was available at Kmart. It even said on the package, "See Dr. Claw's face revealed!" But not that day. I didn't choose Dr. Claw. Guess who I chose? Guess? (drum roll)............................Penny and the stupid fucking dog. It was so memorable that I can't even remember the fucking dog's name. And I literally remember everything. Everything. I chose wrong.

(The package that haunts my dreams)

There you have it. My personal regrets. I choose to not have any regrets in life because it's way too short to dwell on the shit you've done. Fuck it. It felt right at the time, didn't it? You regret it because of the outcome that came out later. But if you didn't choose "wrongly" than you would never know. It felt right at the time. Live by that and you won't give a shit about any of the rest of the dumb things you do from now until forever. Sponsored by me because, "I am better than you."

Beer Goggles Are Real. I Tried Them On In D.A.R.E.

When I was in 5th grade, Officer Heath came into my classroom and taught my class about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. He was the local police officer and went around the schools promoting D.A.R.E. which is an acronym for Drug Awareness Recommend Ecstacy or something along those lines. So me and the rest of my 14 classmates sat and listened while the cop talked about alcohol and drugs and what to do in certain situations. He even brought a pair of beer goggles for us to try on. The exercise allowed us to see what it would be like to be drunk. Our mission was to walk in a straight line in the front of the class. We all failed because it's impossible to win. It's like those games at carnivals. Set-up to have you lose. Regardless, beer goggles in real life actually exist.

I wasn't much of a drinker in high school because I was a huge loser. No one ever wanted to hang out with me, nevermind get shit-faced. That left me with waiting four years until I got to college to try out my real beer goggles. I excelled in high school and found myself getting accepted into an above-average college. August 2006 was the first time I let my true colors show. I went to a party with some of my newly-made friends and embarrassed the shit out of myself. I tried picking a fight with a firefighter, I spilled some beer on some hoe, and I threw up on the side of the apartment. Not bad, right?

Some of that isn't true. Only the part where I tried to fight the firefighter and throwing up. But it was at this time that I first came in contact with beer goggles. My memory immediately shot me back to 5th grade. However, these goggles were about 1000% not as strong. I had been living a lie. All that mumbo-jumbo they teach you just to get you to lay off the booze was a scam. If you can't walk when you're drunk, than you're just an asshole. And yeah yeah, I've gotten to a point where you stumble and fall, but give me a break. That happens once a year, on your birthday or some shit. But, beer goggles do exist. Let me explain.

I was at a house party in September of '06 with a kid named Tony Hawk. (No not the skateboarder) We had met up with some friends of his that he had met not so long ago. We were in the kitchen of the party and I saw myself fancying (I don't think that's a word) a remotely attractive female. I worked up some beer muscles to start flirting with her. Things seemed to be going pretty well until she started making out with her friend. Who was a girl. I was stunned. I thought things like that only happened in American Pie movies. But right there, in the flesh, two girls aggressively making out. I proceeded to ask the girl I was courting if I could get a piece of the action, like a creep. She obliged. But little did I know that she had pulled a swap. Her disgusting friend, who has been compared to as a baby seal, was licking my tongue. I vomited again.

That next day, I was ridiculed and mocked and sometimes I'm still mocked for it. She was the definition of treacherous and her whole body can only be regarded as abysmal. But I took it in stride because that's what college is for. It made for a fun story. I can assure you however, that had I been sober, such a disgraceful act never would have taken place. I was duped. So over the course of the next year and a half, I made plenty of more mistakes with girls that I don't ever want to see again. But it built character. Not many people can say they have made-out with the lowest quality looking girls of all-time. And I'm sure some girls feel the same about me. Clearly, they are idiots.

I know deep-down that beer goggles are real. There have been studies done to prove that your eyes see what they want to see or some other scientific jargon like that. And then you do stupid things and nearly regret it in the morning. But not this guy. Nope. I take what I have done and I let it shine through. For all the baby seals, and Snooki's, to the chicks that looked like dudes, I commend you for making me realize how incredible I am. Sometimes I miss the beer goggles bug, but maybe it's time to grow up. Either way, "I am better than you."