Google+ Can Shove Their Lack Of An Invite To Me Up Their Ass

The new craze in life the past couple of weeks has been Google+. G+ is a social media site that lets you network with other real people and do the same exact shit as Facebook. Everyone on my Facebook and Twitter is blowing it up describing how cool it is. For some reason I would say a majority of them are full of shit. Not in describing it's coolness, but the idea that they actually have an account. When I logged onto the website it described in vivid detail about needing to have been invited and how it was in the trial stages and that soon everyone would be open to joining it. So not all of you were lucky enough to get the invite. I'm sure of it. But anyway Google, I don't want to join your stupid social media site anyway. So take that.

Remember back in like 2004-2005 when this social media site was created called "MySpace?" And with this website you would create your own space (clever) with glitz and glamour and music playing in the background. And then people would add you and then you could write shit on their page and have some quality back and forth. I remember thinking it was the dumbest piece of shit idea I had ever seen. I was in a computer class in high school and all the kids were sitting there on MySpace writing on each other's pages. I'm not quite sure they realized that they were sitting next to each other and could talk just as effectively, if not better. I never had a MySpace.

And then by time my senior year rolled around some craze called Facebook had taken the reins and was apparently the coolest thing ever. Facebook was pretty much the exact same thing as MySpace, but featured less customization on your profile page, a shit-ton more pictures, and a network that allowed you the ability to connect with some of your college classmates before you even got to college. I have to admit, I was pretty damn excited when I got my college email address because that finally meant that I would be able to sign up for it. And in the old days of Facebook, you were allowed to stalk people who were in your network and look at their pictures and see how many people were writing on their wall. And then it took a turn for the worse.

Facebook started adding privacy settings and newsfeeds and other dumb things. It was slowly, but surely becoming more and more like MySpace. The only thing that still separated it was the inability to add color schemes and blasting shitty techno music on your profile. But all the other little doodads were available. And since that time, MySpace has fallen off the face of the earth. It was sold a bunch of years ago for something like $400 million and Justin Timberlake just recently bought it for $20 million or so. So in just a few short years MySpace became obsolete. The only thing I see that it has going for them is that it's a good place for new and up-and-coming musicians to try and get some sort of following. That's all.

I think I see Facebook falling down that same path in just a few short years. I understand that Facebook is much bigger than MySpace could have ever dreamed, but when new startups are coming out almost every single week or month or year, it's going to be tough to keep on top. Look at Microsoft. From the early 80s to 2007, it was the premiere computer company. It reigned supreme by such a wide margin, that antitrust and monopolization lawsuits were thrown at them on a seemingly daily basis. Now Apple is the shit. Microsoft is losing more money than it ever would have imagined. Every empire must eventually fall. And in due time, Facebook will go down. Maybe to Google+.

But what bothers me about the whole thing is that they released it in a trial basis. If you are gauging to see what the interest level will be, go all in or not at all. I hate people and ideas that take babysteps. Shit or get off the pot. And don't tell me that I don't have the privilege of signing up yet. And that it's by invite only. That's some real bullshittttttttt. And I'm not just bitter and angry. I just want to have the same opportunities as everyone else. Why did Google make them the chosen few and not me? Don't they know that "I am better than you."

I Had Cyber Sex With A Stranger In A Chatroom

The year was 2011. It was another uneventful Memorial Day and I felt the need to do something spectacular. Something so marvelous, that I would be able to inscribe the memory on my tombstone or urn after my passing. But since everyone that I associate with was still down the shore with their friends, or getting drunk and having sexy time, I had to think of something on my own. So I started thinking about all the really cool things you can do by yourself: take shots, watch pornography, smoke weed. But none of those things really seemed like a good idea at the time. That is until I remember what AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) was good for. Cyber sex.

Back in the early 2000s, AIM was the shit. It was a forum where you can get screen names from all your friends and talk to them on the computer. You know, instead of meeting them in person and having a jolly time. The premise of it was just mind-shattering and I think it set the benchmark for all the future social media sites that we are accustomed to today. So while Mark Zuckerberg is blowing lines with $100 bills and wiping his ass with $50s, he should pray to his heavenly Father thanking him that AIM took off the way that it did. Otherwise that goofball would probably be the president of Google or something way less cooler.

(2008 Gold Medal at the Virgin Olympics. More details to come)

The great thing about AIM was that it inhibited chat rooms. These were private rooms that held about 40 or so people and allowed them to talk about a certain topic together. It probably started out just like that until one day some creep messaged a girl and asked her one simple question: A/S/L? For those who lived under a rock, or were cool enough to hang out in real life, that stood for age, sex, location. So if you were honest, 13/m/nj, you pretty much got dismissed immediately. All the creepy, pervy guys wanted to talk to 11/f/la. But every so often you hit the jackpot and got a 14/f/fl. Bingo bango bongooooooooooo.

The next hour was spent discussing stupid fucking topics such as, Blink-182, Yellowcard, Doug, and other queer things that you thought were cool at that age. And the next 3o minutes were make-or-break. They would usually ask for a pic followed by: s2r. Send to receive. Do you send a real picture? Will she find you disgustingly hideous? Do I send a picture of my 1 inch penis? What do I do? The answer was simple, really. Find a picture on Yahoo! images and send it to her. If you were lucky she would send one back. Probably in the same manner that you just did, because let's be honest. Attractive, skinny girls did not go in chat rooms. They were too busy peforming oral sex on the cool boy in the 8th grade.

(Me before college)

Finally you would ask the fateful question. "Hey, wanna cyber?" And they'd usually say yes and then you would type to them that they were so hot and how you wanted to kiss their mouth and touch their private parts. And they would repeat the same things to you, even though they were 42-year-old men looking for a little excitement. But heck, what did we know at that age? Not that we were cybering with an old man, that's for sure. Either way, we got ours and they get theirs and everybody was considered a winner. At least that's how I felt until they shut the chat rooms down. Gone are the days of cyber sexing with someone via text. That is until Skype was born.

My Skype sex post is by far my most popular. People like reading it because they are excited about this new technology. You can sit at your computer and pretty much video sex with the person on the other side. It's still considered cyber sex, I guess, but now you can see the person in real time. And still type dirty things to them. Skype actually dominates AIM in every single category because if you pay $8.99 per month you can have group video chats and if you're an uber-horny fuck you can pretty much orgy cyber-sex. Technology never ceases to amaze me. So before the world ends in 2012, you have to try cyber-sexing. It's pretty cool and so am I but you already knew that because "I am better than you."

Apple Was Named The World's Most Valuable Brand. Time To Move Out Of Liberal Earth

It's a really good thing I believe in extraterrestrial life because I think it's about time that I get the hell off of this planet. Today it was announced at the "I Could Give Two Shits Less About Liberals" press conference that Apple has become the world's most valuable brand. It surpassed the likes of Google, IBM, McDonald's, and Microsoft. Well, bravo Mr. Steve Jobs. You finally set out and accomplished your lifelong goal of turning conservative America into a haven for pompous liberals. You are, essentially, the living version of "The Brain".

(The similarities are uncanny)

It all started for me way back in high school. iPods became the cool, new trendy gadget to own and if you didn't own an iPod mini, you didn't have any friends. So instead of being my own unique person, I followed the trail set before me and got an iPod mini for Christmas. It was silver and a mighty piece of shit. Not only did the battery last for no longer than 45 minutes, it was only 4 gb. For those of you reading who don't know anything about technology, that's miniscule. It got me about 1,000 songs to listen to. Big whoopty do.

(Great color scheme)

Then I made it to college and my very Jewish and liberal friend owned a MacBook Pro. As if the standard issue Dell or HP wasn't good enough, he went out of his way to purchase a Macbook. Who do you think you are? Better than all your suitemates with your fancy, silver gloss laptop and remote control? As if laying in bed under the covers in 95 degree heat playing Tetris wasn't enough of a reason for us to hate you, you had to do it with an Apple product. The tide was beginning to turn for me on the Apple company in general. But wait, it gets worse.

I don't know if you've heard of it, but something called an iPhone? It's like an iPod, but it can surf the interweb and play music and according to the commercial, blow you. I've personally seen it rob the lives of two people close to me. It's like they put some sort of hypnotizing agent in the screen that prevents you from turning away. Anytime something is mentioned that you don't know it becomes, "Wait, let me look it up." I don't need to know at that exact moment of time because I'll forget about it in about 15 seconds. I also don't want to see your face when we're on the phone. There's a reason I'm talking to you on the PHONE. It's so I can hear your voice.

And last, but not least, my favorite Apple invention. The iPad. Too bad the iPad couldn't be used as a vehicle for girls to put in their underwear to soak up their period goop. Sorry I'm not sorry for being so vile and disgusting. That's how I feel about the product. It's a large iPhone that doesn't make phone calls. It's a flat MacBook that doesn't have a keyboard. What purpose does the iPad serve besides making you look like a pompous asshole? I know you don't have a reason. So why buy it? Sotomayor.

I guess I'm just tired of seeing Apple included in everything pertaining to the world. And I guess the writers of South Park feel the same because they mocked the Apple culture in their latest season premiere. I'm also upset that conservative America is becoming overrun by a bunch of hippie, tree-hugging liberal assholes. Apple is probably the biggest supporter of Obama and unless you want to see that guy in office again for 4 years, keep buying Apple products. I've officially quit because "I am better than you."