How To Score On The First Date. And I Don't Mean A Basketball.

When I scour the interweb for all of my tidbits of information, I molest StumbleUpon. For those living in the Stone Age, it's an add-on for your web browser that allows you the ability to input all of your interests into a filter that searches the world wide web to match them. There's a list of probably 200 different things you can choose. So I picked whatever matched my lifestyle and read up on things that interest me. Well, I stumbled upon a website that talked about how to ensure getting laid on the first date. I think the article was written by a virgin because everything he said was inaccurate. I hold the keys to the ignition of how to get laid on a first date.

It all starts with your clothing. Girls love guys that know how to dress themselves. She won't want to filate you if all of your clothes are from Wal-Mart, Kmart, or Kohl's. She wants to see you wearing jeans that cost $148. She wants to see dress shirts that were made in the Philippines. And most importantly, she wants to see your shoes. Believe it or not, it's a real deal-breaker as to what kind of shoes you are wearing. They should probably be new, like Nike or Nike because if you wear anything else you're an idiot. And they should also match your outfit, kind of.

Now that you are going to impress her with your fashion sense, you can fuck around. Most first dates occur at fancy shmancy restaurants. Don't. Take her ass to McDonald's. Or Wendy's. Or a really shitty pizza place. They say your first meal should be hands free, but people who believe that also believe in global warming. Why are you going to risk spending a great deal of money on a girl who might not even put out? By going to a low-end, white trash establishment, you can gauge her interest and see whether or not she's a cool gal. I want to be with a girl who can wolf down a Big Mac. Not a girl that eats a salad and buttered bread for her meal. That's what would happen at that ritsy, expensive restaurant.

But we have one problem with going to McDonald's or Wendy's. They don't serve alcohol. If I ever win the lottery, or end up successful, I am going to make a personal pledge to both restaurants to include alcohol on their menu. I mean, how am I supposed to enjoy my date if I'm washing down my meal with a Root Beer? The secret ingredient to getting laid on a first date is about to be unveiled. Ready?......................Wine. Wine always leads to sex on a first date. There is some sort of component in it, maybe alcohol, that makes girls horny. And it's usually white wine. Get her fucked up on that shit, and there's no doubt you're going to Penetration City.

Well then, what's the next move? You've made your mark by showing off your ability to dress. You've tackled the big bill of the first date by splurging on McDonald's. How do we get to plan C and get to drinking the vino? Are there any parks nearby? Where 14-year-olds hang out? If yes, you need to get your ass there. Post up in your car, open the bottle of Oak Leaf, and start playing pass the bottle. You can also set the mood by playing some John Mayer to moisten her underwear. After several gulps of the wine, she will be more inclined to open up about her life, and eventually open her legs. Success!

This is the tricky part. You need to find a way to bring her back to your parents house, or hopefully she is better than you and lives in an apartment of her own. Tell her you want to take things slowly and it's better if we don't do anything tonight. Now she thinks you're a good guy. Wrong. Get her in a bed and lay down with her. Tell her you just want to make sure she falls asleep alright. Start playing with her hair. She'll start assaulting your mouth with hers. Now her underwear have been removed. You slip on a condom, but only if you're a sailor, and enter Penetration City. Finish up and leave. Never call her again. Brag to your friends about the slut you just had sex with and high five everyone involved. Take a shower. Lather, rinse, repeat. And that's how you have sex on a first date. It works, but probably not for you because "I am better than you."

I Had Cyber Sex With A Stranger In A Chatroom

The year was 2011. It was another uneventful Memorial Day and I felt the need to do something spectacular. Something so marvelous, that I would be able to inscribe the memory on my tombstone or urn after my passing. But since everyone that I associate with was still down the shore with their friends, or getting drunk and having sexy time, I had to think of something on my own. So I started thinking about all the really cool things you can do by yourself: take shots, watch pornography, smoke weed. But none of those things really seemed like a good idea at the time. That is until I remember what AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) was good for. Cyber sex.

Back in the early 2000s, AIM was the shit. It was a forum where you can get screen names from all your friends and talk to them on the computer. You know, instead of meeting them in person and having a jolly time. The premise of it was just mind-shattering and I think it set the benchmark for all the future social media sites that we are accustomed to today. So while Mark Zuckerberg is blowing lines with $100 bills and wiping his ass with $50s, he should pray to his heavenly Father thanking him that AIM took off the way that it did. Otherwise that goofball would probably be the president of Google or something way less cooler.

(2008 Gold Medal at the Virgin Olympics. More details to come)

The great thing about AIM was that it inhibited chat rooms. These were private rooms that held about 40 or so people and allowed them to talk about a certain topic together. It probably started out just like that until one day some creep messaged a girl and asked her one simple question: A/S/L? For those who lived under a rock, or were cool enough to hang out in real life, that stood for age, sex, location. So if you were honest, 13/m/nj, you pretty much got dismissed immediately. All the creepy, pervy guys wanted to talk to 11/f/la. But every so often you hit the jackpot and got a 14/f/fl. Bingo bango bongooooooooooo.

The next hour was spent discussing stupid fucking topics such as, Blink-182, Yellowcard, Doug, and other queer things that you thought were cool at that age. And the next 3o minutes were make-or-break. They would usually ask for a pic followed by: s2r. Send to receive. Do you send a real picture? Will she find you disgustingly hideous? Do I send a picture of my 1 inch penis? What do I do? The answer was simple, really. Find a picture on Yahoo! images and send it to her. If you were lucky she would send one back. Probably in the same manner that you just did, because let's be honest. Attractive, skinny girls did not go in chat rooms. They were too busy peforming oral sex on the cool boy in the 8th grade.

(Me before college)

Finally you would ask the fateful question. "Hey, wanna cyber?" And they'd usually say yes and then you would type to them that they were so hot and how you wanted to kiss their mouth and touch their private parts. And they would repeat the same things to you, even though they were 42-year-old men looking for a little excitement. But heck, what did we know at that age? Not that we were cybering with an old man, that's for sure. Either way, we got ours and they get theirs and everybody was considered a winner. At least that's how I felt until they shut the chat rooms down. Gone are the days of cyber sexing with someone via text. That is until Skype was born.

My Skype sex post is by far my most popular. People like reading it because they are excited about this new technology. You can sit at your computer and pretty much video sex with the person on the other side. It's still considered cyber sex, I guess, but now you can see the person in real time. And still type dirty things to them. Skype actually dominates AIM in every single category because if you pay $8.99 per month you can have group video chats and if you're an uber-horny fuck you can pretty much orgy cyber-sex. Technology never ceases to amaze me. So before the world ends in 2012, you have to try cyber-sexing. It's pretty cool and so am I but you already knew that because "I am better than you."