Because Your Kiss, Your Kiss, Is On My List

The story you're about to read is 100% true. Some of the names may have been changed to protect their identities.

Have you ever felt like a loser because you can't hook up with chicks? Because when you go to the bar and start hitting on girls you don't know what to do except scream "Nancy Pelosi" at them? Well you're in luck because I'm about to describe my first kiss. And by kiss I mean makeout. Like with tongues and stuff. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 18 years old! What? Yep. I was 18 in human years. Probably the oldest person out of anyone I've ever come across in my life. But it all worked out for me in the end, sort of.

Let me take you back a little so you can get a full understanding of who I am and what kind of a pussy I was/am. I went to private school from age 5 to 18. My entire life. The first school I went to shut down because of a lack of funding/small enrollment. I then transferred to a new school in 2nd grade. There were about 25 kids in my class, give or take. But once I hit the 5th grade, some of the kids started leaving. Some because they moved. Some because they were probably poor. And some because the school sucked dick. By the time I hit the 6th grade (which is full on puberty in case you didn't know), I was stuck with 4 girls in my class. 14 total kids, 4 girls. 4.

I always had a thing for one of the girls. Let's call her Paige. She and I used to talk on the phone. I'd go over to her house to play Uno with her mom. Heck, we even slow-danced multiple times at our school-sponsored dances. I called it the Frankenstein dance. Hands on shoulders, hands on waist, and sway side-to-side. The good ole days. She used to come to some of my baseball games. I used to sing her Backstreet Boys songs on the phone. I'll never break your hearttttttttt. I'll never make you cryyyyyyyyyyy. It was pretty great. We started to get older. I wanted to do more stuff, like hold hands and touch her boobs. She wanted to go meet the world outside our private school. I can't blame her. I was a dime compared to the other trolls in that classroom. But also a dime in everyday life too.

We get to the 8th grade, still friends, but she's dated a few other boys at this point. The other girls in my class, Jessica, Lisa, and Jennifer - we'll call them, were nothing to look at. Lisa and Jennifer were fraternal twins who only spoke to each other and in their "inside voices". Jessica looked like a rabid dog. I didn't have much to work with. Unfortunately, Lisa and Jennifer ended up leaving the school in 8th grade to be homeschooled because of how they were "bullied". Compared to the kids of today, I guess you can say they were bullied. We would purposely aim at their heads during gym when we played running bases, or dodgeball, or anything that included a ball. Usually once per week, one of them ended up at the nurse because they got blasted with a ball to the head. We were cruel.

That left me with 2 girls and about 0 chance of smooching either before I got to high school. Fine. I'll meet lots and lots of people in high school and most of them will be girls and hot and slutty because it's a Catholic school. I wasn't far off once I got to high school. There were a lot of girls and a lot of them were attractive and slutty. But now I'm 14. I haven't felt a boob. I haven't open-mouth kissed someone. Pressure is mounting. I decide I should probably make some friends. So I did. I made a good amount of friends. Most of which I met through class, or detention, or baseball. I started to fit in. I made some friends. I got invited to do things. I knew a few of the football players. I knew a few of the cheerleaders. I knew a pretty solid amount of people. Something was bound to come along.

I become friends with a guy named "Steve". Steve was dating Aleshia and she used to provide oral comforts to him. I was jelly. I became pretty good friends with both of them and after several months, I ended up sabotaging their relationship for my own personal gain. I was 15 and a piece of shit. Sue me. I was the friend she needed to console her. Steve was in a minor tailspin. But all I kept thinking was, man, I've gotta smooch this chick. Never happened. She dated someone new. No love lost, at least I don't think. That's wrapping up my sophomore year. I'm 16 and still no kisses on my mouth. I start to panic.

One of the cheerleaders, "Daniella", pulls me aside right before my track practice. At this point, those close to me knew I was a virgin kisser. And also a regular virgin too. Word started to spread around that I never kissed a girl. So Daniella says to me, real slyly, "Hey, if you want, I'll make out with you. It's not that big a deal." I also want to point out that Daniella is one of the prettiest girls, not only in my grade, but probably the entire school. I'm not sure if I heard her correctly because all I said was "Yeah, sure" and went to track practice. That conversation never came up again. But not to be outdone by my own stupidity, later that same year "Krystal" tells me the exact same thing. Except this time, I have it written out to me in the form of an IM on AIM. Krystal was also a very attractive girl who was on the dance team. I told a friend of mine about her proposal. He goes back to ask her, and guess what happened next? Virgin-kisser going into my senior year.

I should point out that during my junior year, when I fucked up getting kisses, I went to a handful of parties. I once even got hammered at a party with a girl from a different school while playing Kings. She was so drunk, that she showed everyone her boobs. I don't remember her name, but they were the first real-life boobs I saw. Still didn't manage to makeout with the drunk girl who showed her boobs at a party. But back to senior year. Time is running out. If all else fails during the course of the year, I've got prom. People tend to have the intercourse at prom. I was just hoping to make kisses. I didn't. My senior year was a lot less exciting than my junior year. I feel like I peaked when I was 17. I lost all hope. I never thought I was going to kiss a human girl. Until Steve hooked it upppppppppppp.

Steve's family owned a beach house. The first time we went to his beach house, we got super drunk and that's pretty much it. It wasn't until the last weekend I was in New Jersey before college, that things got exciting. Steve invited myself and Dave to go to his house right before I left. Conveniently, three other girls we knew were going to be down the shore that same weekend. "Katie, Emily, and Liz" stayed at Emily's relative's house. It was a Friday night and the drinks started pouring a wee bit early. I call Katie to see what she's up to and they decided that they were going to drink early too! Can you see where this is heading? The three men go to pick up the three girls. They are silly drunk. Silly drunk is the level right before crying drunk.

We start playing beer pong. We start playing Kings. There is lots of drinking going on. One thing that always happens when you're drunk is a case of the munchies. Similar to when one smokes the marijuanas. Now I don't remember which of the girls said it, but one of them said that they'd make out with each other if we made them some Pizza Rolls. We bought a bag of 100 Pizza Rolls because we knew we had a long, eventful weekend ahead of us. Naturally, we agreed to this. We'll make some Pizza Rolls, you make out. So Emily and Liz start making out. Katie and Emily start making out. Katie and Liz start making out. Steve, Dave, and myself are watching. Dave goes in. Dave is making out with Katie. Dave is making out with Emily. Steve is making out with Liz. Steve is making out with Emily. Where is Mike???? Mike starts making out with Liz. 18 years old, 1 week before college. I get my first makeout. We're sharing Pizza Rolls. Liz shows us her boobs. All is right with the world.

I get to go to college not feeling like a complete fucking pussy. But I haven't even given the kicker yet. Liz, the first girl I ever made out with in my human life, turns out to be a lesbian. So, I'm not so sure to this day if she even wanted the Pizza Rolls or if she just wanted to make out with the other girls. My first kiss came from a lesbian. A lesbian. So before you think you're pathetic. That your life sucks. That you'll die a virgin, Just remember me. Multiple chances. Multiple idiotic choices. One kiss when I was 18. If it can happen to me, it could happen to you. But on second thought, it probably wouldn't because I am better than you.

If You're Fat, You're Disgusting. Don't Be Fat And Disgusting

Let me paint the picture. Sitting in the living room on a Friday night, around 10:15pm. To your right, your mom. In front of you, the television. What's on? Say Yes to the Dress or #SYTTD. Why am I watching this on a Friday night instead of drinking at a bar? Easy. I have no friends or money. But something occurred during this episode that infuriated me. There was a disgustingly obese women crying about how the store didn't have any dresses that fit her or ones that showed too much of her tits. I then made a comment, aloud. "What a fat disgusting slob." My mother's retort was what incensed me. "Not everyone can be a skinny mini." That is categorically untrue.

I used to work in two separate offices that were located higher than the first floor. They both, coincidentally, were on the 5th floor. At this point in time, I stopped working out and gave up on doing any and all physical activities. I ate like shit, I drank a lot, and I smoked cigarettes. But, I walked up the steps to my workplace on the 5th floor every day. It was the least I could do. I bring this up because nothing angered me more than individuals, fat or skinny, that would take that elevator on the 5th level down ONE floor. ONE. Walking down stairs is not nearly as physically daunting as going up stairs. But these lazy pieces of shit couldn't manage to go down ONE floor. This is why America is obese.

Back to why everyone CAN be a skinny mini. I hate the bullshit argument that some people are pre-disposed to a "fat gene" that causes them to be obese. Or that it takes a lot of effort for them to lose weight. I don't buy it. But let's say that it is true, is it okay for us to ridicule them for being lazy then? I love fried chicken. I think it's one of the greatest things in the whole world. But instead of eating a 12pc mixed bucket from Popeyes, maybe I'll eat 3. Instead of drinking a 2 liter bottle of Coke, or obese people's favorite (Diet Coke), drink water. Like 8 cups a day. And have the fat's heard of something called exercise? Anyone can do it.

"But I work 9-5 and when I get home I'm too tired". Well maybe being single, sleeping alone, and weighing 250lbs is a wake up call. "But I can't afford to go to the gym. It's very expensive." The last time I checked, running was free. It's one of the few great exercises that costs literally nothing. You can do it anywhere in the world. You can run in the cold. You can run in the heat. You can't run on ice. I suppose you could, but you're going to have a bad time. Too fat to start off running? Jog. Too fat to jog? Walk. Too fat to walk? Stop eating. It's unbecoming and off-putting to see fat people because it's the one thing they can control.

I can understand if you're ugly. It's really expensive to get plastic surgery. Face wash can be expensive. Proactiv is for adolescent assholes and desperate celebrities. So if you're ugly, well sorry there isn't much hope for you. But being fat? It's 100% preventable, curable, treatable. All you need is a little bit of motivation.  Maybe get a treadmill. Put a picture of Ryan Gosling in front of you like a carrot on a string. Chase him. Chase something. But don't tell me there isn't anything you can do about being fat and obese and disgusting. At my fattest peak, I weighed 190lbs. Not crazy big, but I weighed 155lbs for roughly 7 years. I stopped eating fast food. I stopped drinking soda. I started by running 1 mile a day 5 days a week. Added a 1/2 mile every week until I got to 8 miles. I ate mixed nuts instead of potato chips. I ate grilled chicken instead of fried. I ate a salad and fruit instead of starburst and skittles. I'm down to 160lbs. Fuck off, fat.

Now I don't condone shaming fat people to their face. In this day and age of hypersensitivity and political correctness (thanks Obama) to anything and everything and people killing themselves as an escape, I prefer the passive aggressive route. Write a couple of paragraphs about how fat people disgust you. How they make excuses as to why they're fat. How, of all things, being skinny is something ANYONE can achieve. Are some people more inclined to be skinny based on their genetics? Absolutely. But, again, ANYONE can get skinny. Not by getting lapband surgery. Not by getting gastric bypass surgery. Not by drinking 2 liters of Diet Coke a day. By eating right and exercising. Especially because exercise is free. Walking, running, jogging, crunches, squats, push-ups, sit-ups, lunges. All free. So stop being fat and obese and disgusting. Start getting fit and healthy and skinny. ANYONE can be a skinny mini. And don't forget, I am better than you.

If You Don't Vaccinate Your Child, I Don't Give A Shit. And You Shouldn't Either

There's a lot being said in the media right now or there was regarding vaccinating our children against deadly diseases. Since there was an outbreak of measles in California, specifically Disneyland, there are a reported 131 confirmed cases of measles in the state. I've read both sides of the argument (vaccinating/not vaccinating) and I'll clearly share my position over the course of the post. Actually, I'll share it right now. I think parents have the right to choose whether or not to vaccinate their child. Why? Because it's their child. Not mine. Not yours. Not America's. But Great One, what about the spread of diseases and the possibility of death? We're going down a slippery slope.

I failed one class in all of my life. Just one. Philosophy, in my second semester of my freshman year. It was a MWF class at 2:30. Attendance was not required. Guess how many Friday classes I attended? I think the answer is less than zero. What does this have to do with vaccinations you may be asking yourself? I learned about the slippery slope fallacy in that class. Probably the only thing I learned from that dickhead Dr. Hutchens. What an asshole he was. But I digress. A slippery slope is simply defined as when a person asserts that some event must inevitably follow from another without any rational argument or demonstrable mechanism for the inevitability of the event in question.

America forcing our children or all people to be vaccinated is a slippery slope. Yeah I'm sure these vaccinations have prevented numerous outbreaks of deadly diseases. And I'm sure it's probably the right thing to do. But I can't ever imagine forcing someone to get a vaccination is the right way to go about things. And I'm not sure banning anti-vaxxers from attending public school is a good option either. "How stupid can you be? This could be a matter of life and death. I don't want my son/daughter to potentially be exposed to these diseases." That was me making up a quote from what I'd consider a concerned parent. If we're all forced to be vaccinated, then what will we all be forced to do next? Getting microchips implanted? Watch the entire State of the Union address? Eat vegetables for dinner? When does the madness end??

If you're a such a great parent and are worried about your child, then get them vaccinated. If little Timmy is vaccinated against measles or polio or rubella, it shouldn't matter if little Johnny isn't. If or when little Johnny dies, then the parents will have to live with that decision for the rest of their lives, all while your kid is in the clear. I've seen comparisons and comics ridiculing those who are anti-vax. Claiming that these are the same parents that would make a fuss if their child is severely allergic to peanuts and another student brings them in for lunch because they should be considerate of their child's condition. Just like they should be considerate of other children by ensuring their kid is all up to date with his vaxx. I don't see how they correlate. There is no vaccination for a peanut allergy, at least as far as I'm concerned. We should be concerned for kids regardless of the issue.

I thought we were a nation clamoring for acceptance. We're pushing diligently for equal rights for gays, but want to punish people who don't vaccinate their child. It's their fucking child! Who are you to judge them for it? This also reminds me of a story I saw recently regarding Steve Jobs. If you live under a rock, Jobs was the head honcho of Apple. Created the iPhone you use to Facetime with your S/O. The iPad you don't use because laptops are superior. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in its early stages. The doctors recommended he get surgery and do chemo as it provided him the best chance to survive. Jobs decided to go the alternative route. He used some herbs, drank some tea, ate fruit and shit. And as we all know, Jobs is dead. Heroes of the internet have the audacity to call him a moron! A moron! The man who was more successful and accomplished than any one of them will ever be. And it's because he didn't get surgery and do chemo. 

I didn't know that treating cancer with chemo was the only tried and true method. As far as I know, people still die. "But why wouldn't you try the most effective method to treat it? Why risk it for an alternative that has NEVER showed any positive results on a consistent basis?" That's another made up quote. My response? Who gives a fuck? It's his life and it was his decision. There's no guarantee he would have survived either way. But my point is, it was his decision and his alone. I'm not going to fault the guy, I'm not going to criticize him. He tried something and failed. Life goes on. I think it's a mistake to ridicule those for not following the sheep.

My whole point whether you think people are dumb or not for choosing not to vaccinate their child, that decision is entirely theirs to make. Being vaccinated might save their life or maybe it might give them autism, at least according to Jenny McCarthy. I think our acceptance of people and their decisions has changed since I was a kid. Everybody has to act a certain way. Look a certain way. Get vaccinations like everyone else. Nobody wants to be an individual anymore. Nobody wants to march to the beat of their own drum. Instead they are coerced to get vaccinations by the media for made up diseases like H1N1. Remember that bullshit for like 2 weeks? If you want to get your kid vaccinated, go for it. If you don't, don't. But don't force my hand either way. I'll just end up saying I am better than you.