Things That Girls Like That Are Stupid

Have you ever slept in a girl's bed? Whether she was with you or you crept in? I'm more familiar with the latter situation, but did you happen to notice something about her bed? The absurd amount of pillows that were located on it. Two pillows for actually sleeping on. Two for decoration. And maybe another two that they call 'throw' pillows. Well guess what? I'm going to throw them at your face because they are fucking stupid, like girls. Do you think your bed looks that much better because it contains six different pillows? Are you all of a sudden a Martha Stewart of bedroom decor? Probably not. So I've decided to enforce my superiority over the female race by reviewing most things that girls like that are stupid. Like their faces.

(comfortable, no?)

"Let's go out to get dinner", says some whiny, annoying girlfriend. "Where would you like to go?", says myself. "Mmmmm. Sushi!". Fuck you. Why do girls like sushi so much? They won't perform oral sex because it's gross, but they'll shove raw fish down their mouth. Well here's to hoping that you get mercury poisoning.  To go further along with that thought, they all seem to like Panera Bread too. Of course I love spending my hard-earned money on you, especially when it's for an $8 four-inch sandwich. As long as it makes you happy, right? Plus it's already pre-made, so it's not like your getting fresh food. Just girl's logic I tell you...

This one is one of my favorites. Babies. Girls love little babies. I can't tell you how many times my newsfeed has been polluted with pictures of cute, wittle babies the last year or so. "Look at my 3-year-old niece, isn't she so precious?" or "My coworker's child is so beautiful. She's the cutest thing I've ever seen!!" If that happens to be the case, why won't you let me have sex with you without a condom? If you like babies so much and think they're so cute, let's make one. So the response you get is, "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't want one of those things. It'll ruin the rest of my life." Why yes, yes it will. So you find babies to be cute and wonderful, but when it comes to being your own, they're despicable?  Good logic girls. Well done.

There's about a 99% chance that Instagram is one of the worst app inventions ever. Here we are using our cellular telephones to take pictures of things that we eat, duck faces, a close-up of your acne-covered face, and your bikini body that can stand to lose 5-10 pounds. I'm not quite sure I've ever seen a picture on Instagram that I thought a 4-year-old blind child couldn't take. They're blurry pictures with shades of grey in the background. Please make note of my reference to Shades of Grey, a book that women love despite the fact that it is degrading and immoral. A guy tying up women for his sexual escapades, getting them close to climax and stopping. Lather, rinse, repeat. Why are you subjecting yourselves to that? If I ever did that to you in real life, you'd murder me, so why read it in a book while your panties are saturated? Skanks.

Pinterest is pretty much the equivalent to Instagram. Let me "pin" my interests and then post about it all over Facebook. I promise you I could give 2 fucks less as to what you are pinning. That shit is stupid. I also love the fashion tips Pinterest provides. For some odd reason, all girls seem to think that they are fashionistas and could wear anything they want and guys will compliment them on it. Here's the thing. I read on the internet a couple of times the past few months that if girls dressed for guys, they wouldn't wear anything at all. Girls dress to impress other girls and then talk shit about them behind their backs. It's totally true and not one female acquaintance of mine can deny it. In my good conscience, the less clothing you're wearing, the closer I am to conquering you. Facts.

(thank you Pinterest!)

So to sum things up, girls love making their beds with elegant sheets and comforters and designer pillows, just to take it all off when the go to sleep. They love eating sushi because it's much more wholesome than swallowing a load. They love babies, so long as they're not theirs to keep. They love taking shitty photographs and claim they are artistic. They love showcasing their fashion-side and go outside wearing stupid fucking rainboots and bright yellow pants. In every regard, men are better than women. They like better things. They are smarter. Have bigger brains. And lastly, they eat real food. So not only are men better than women, but "I am better than you."