Road Rage: Like 'Roid Rage, But I Still Have A Big Dick

Now that I've been living in Virginia for about a year and a half, I feel like I have the right to make fun of the state and its dumb inhabitants. What caught my eye more than anything else in this God-forsaken state is the amount of shitty drivers it has. I typically have no control over my emotions. Some might even say I have a "bad temper". Well, when it comes to driving with these shitdicks, the inner lunatic in me comes out. Road rage is a real thing and I feel like within the next 3 years I'll start to see commercials on television for pharmaceutical branded pills to help control road rage. I mean, for Christ's sake, we have pills for Restless Leg Syndrome. The inability to stop moving your legs. Fuck me.



I first truly learned about road rage when I was a sophomore in high school. We had to watch this shitty video in driver's ed about the dangers of driving. Realistically, I don't think there could be a worse time to have people watch about the perils of driving then right before you give someone the ability to drive. For the first time. Ever. So we start watching this video and it's a re-creation of a guy getting pissed off about getting cut off. So he follows the car who cut him off and then catches him and cuts him off! Talk about exhilarating. Next thing you know, they're pulled over and the one guy goes to his trunk and pulls out a crossbow. A fucking crossbow. Boom! Right through his chest. "But you didn't have to cut me offffffffffff."



So that's when I learned about road rage. From a video in driver's ed. And a guy pulls out a crossbow and kills someone who cut him off. I don't care. I get road rage. The worst case of road rage I get, and it's on a consistent basis, is when two cars in front of you, on a two lane road, go the exact same speed, side by side, usually 5 mph below the speed limit, and do so for about 10 miles. Get the fuck out of my way you cockboys! That's the shit that makes me want to drive my car 100 mph into a divider. Am I the only one who gets those urges? Should I consider getting psychiatric help? The answer is no way Jose.



There's also a stereotype that Asians can't drive. But that's not a stereotype. Asians can't drive. Asian men, women, animals, babies, you name it. They can't drive. They all have Honda Accords and drive them like they have mounds of rice shoved up their ass. There's no truer stereotype here in America except for the blacks being lazy. Just kidding Jibril, I love ya bud. Sort of. It's bad enough that the Asia people can't drive in ideal conditions. But if you throw in some rain or snow, good golly! These assholes are driving on highways like they're avoiding a-bombs in Hiroshima. That was insensitive. I lived with an Asian in college and he let me drive his orange Acura all the time. He liked smoking illegal plants. I miss him, but he couldn't drive neither.



Which brings me to my next point. Steroids. All this going on in baseball about so and so using steroids or HGH or adderall or whatever nonsensical PEDs. Who gives a shit really. If they all use them, it's not really cheating is it? The only reason I haven't used steroids yet is because my dick can't get any smaller. I'm twerkin' with a solid 2'' now, what happens when I start poking needles in my ass. It's hard enough (no pun intended) getting other things shoved in there. You think I have the time for needles to go in there too? Yeah right. So in no way are road rage and roid rage remotely close to the same thing. I just needed a reason to talk about the length of my johnson in the title.



I hate driving slow. I hate driving behind someone. I hate when people text and drive, except for me. I hate people who wear bluetooth headsets. I hate using your blinker when changing lanes. I hate waiting at red lights. I hate when people don't yield at a yield. I mostly hate everyone and everything that has to do with driving. If everyone drove like me, the world would be a much better, faster place. You'd get from A to B in like 4 seconds. You wouldn't be a pussy when it comes to rain or snow. And overall, road rage would cease to exist. But since nothing in life happens the way I want it to, I'll still be stuck with this baby dick but nothing will make me stop saying, "I am better than you."