How To Score On The First Date. And I Don't Mean A Basketball.

When I scour the interweb for all of my tidbits of information, I molest StumbleUpon. For those living in the Stone Age, it's an add-on for your web browser that allows you the ability to input all of your interests into a filter that searches the world wide web to match them. There's a list of probably 200 different things you can choose. So I picked whatever matched my lifestyle and read up on things that interest me. Well, I stumbled upon a website that talked about how to ensure getting laid on the first date. I think the article was written by a virgin because everything he said was inaccurate. I hold the keys to the ignition of how to get laid on a first date.

It all starts with your clothing. Girls love guys that know how to dress themselves. She won't want to filate you if all of your clothes are from Wal-Mart, Kmart, or Kohl's. She wants to see you wearing jeans that cost $148. She wants to see dress shirts that were made in the Philippines. And most importantly, she wants to see your shoes. Believe it or not, it's a real deal-breaker as to what kind of shoes you are wearing. They should probably be new, like Nike or Nike because if you wear anything else you're an idiot. And they should also match your outfit, kind of.

Now that you are going to impress her with your fashion sense, you can fuck around. Most first dates occur at fancy shmancy restaurants. Don't. Take her ass to McDonald's. Or Wendy's. Or a really shitty pizza place. They say your first meal should be hands free, but people who believe that also believe in global warming. Why are you going to risk spending a great deal of money on a girl who might not even put out? By going to a low-end, white trash establishment, you can gauge her interest and see whether or not she's a cool gal. I want to be with a girl who can wolf down a Big Mac. Not a girl that eats a salad and buttered bread for her meal. That's what would happen at that ritsy, expensive restaurant.

But we have one problem with going to McDonald's or Wendy's. They don't serve alcohol. If I ever win the lottery, or end up successful, I am going to make a personal pledge to both restaurants to include alcohol on their menu. I mean, how am I supposed to enjoy my date if I'm washing down my meal with a Root Beer? The secret ingredient to getting laid on a first date is about to be unveiled. Ready?......................Wine. Wine always leads to sex on a first date. There is some sort of component in it, maybe alcohol, that makes girls horny. And it's usually white wine. Get her fucked up on that shit, and there's no doubt you're going to Penetration City.

Well then, what's the next move? You've made your mark by showing off your ability to dress. You've tackled the big bill of the first date by splurging on McDonald's. How do we get to plan C and get to drinking the vino? Are there any parks nearby? Where 14-year-olds hang out? If yes, you need to get your ass there. Post up in your car, open the bottle of Oak Leaf, and start playing pass the bottle. You can also set the mood by playing some John Mayer to moisten her underwear. After several gulps of the wine, she will be more inclined to open up about her life, and eventually open her legs. Success!

This is the tricky part. You need to find a way to bring her back to your parents house, or hopefully she is better than you and lives in an apartment of her own. Tell her you want to take things slowly and it's better if we don't do anything tonight. Now she thinks you're a good guy. Wrong. Get her in a bed and lay down with her. Tell her you just want to make sure she falls asleep alright. Start playing with her hair. She'll start assaulting your mouth with hers. Now her underwear have been removed. You slip on a condom, but only if you're a sailor, and enter Penetration City. Finish up and leave. Never call her again. Brag to your friends about the slut you just had sex with and high five everyone involved. Take a shower. Lather, rinse, repeat. And that's how you have sex on a first date. It works, but probably not for you because "I am better than you."

Burger King's Food Is About As Good As The Baltimore Orioles

Out of all the fast-food restaurants where you can improve your physique and eat like a champion, Burger King rates last on every level. For one, what kind of quality product are you getting when they advertise every 30 seconds for a buy one get one free Original Chicken Sandwich? Excuse me Burger King, but are you claiming to have the original chicken sandwich? Your fine dining establishment is the first in the history of the world to offer a chicken sandwich? Isn't the name of your bullshit restaurant Burger King? But you have the original chicken sandwich? Mind-boggling.

Do you know what kind of people typically eat at Burger King? Uneducated ones who are probably liberal and hope to get Mad Cow Disease. For the longest time I didn't eat beef because of that MCD scare at Burger King in the late 90s. Ruined it for me. But since I've grown up now, I dominate beef just like I dominate life. But I don't dominate the beef at Burger King because nothing there is worthwhile. The fries, the value menu, the toys in their kids meal. None of it compels me to go there.

At least if you want good tasting French fries you know to go to McDonald's. Or chicken Mcnuggets or a Mcchicken or a Mcdouble. The options are truly endless at such a premiere fast-food joint. Wendy's has the almighty #6. If you don't know what that is then you are truly not a fast-food aficionado and need to step your game up before you continue reading my blog. But now even Wendy's has a solid dollar menu. We used to eat like kings at college. And not Burger Kings either. I have no reason to ever go there because they don't have anything that stands out.

And what the fuck kind of commercials were they showing on television not that long ago? A scary ass king looking guy that was clearly based on the most disgusting pedophile ever. That was not the best marketing option that Burger King ever laid out. Those commercials genuinely scared me because I thought some sicko in a Burger King getup was going to attack me and my perfect body while going to throw the garbage in the dump. These are the kinds of things you have to be aware of when people are envious of your insanely superb figure.

So aside from the fact that they have nothing great to get there, they have pedophiles running around on their commercials. And now their latest downfall? Like the Orioles in drafting shitty college kids and high school players, and the occasional signing of a washed-up veteran, Burger King has just added a stuffed jalapeno and cheddar burger to their menu. Bad decisions ruin franchises. Stop trying to copy KFC by creating a sandwich that is so saturated in fat and can kill you in one bite. The advantage to KFC is that the DoubleDown tasted good. This cheddar-jalapeno concoction of shit will not. Give up Burger King no one likes you.

Like a wise man once told me, "Jealousy takes mannnnnnnnyyyyy forms". Unfortunately for Burger King no one is jealous of their mediocre sandwiches and dumb ass commercials. The important lesson you take from this today is that despite what Burger King tells you, they do not have the Original Chicken Sandwich, because they were founded strictly for their propensity to sell burgers. If you are an idiot and you like eating shit, by all means go to Burger King because in due time you will end up with Mad Cow and I'll be the one to say I told you so. I on the other hand will never go there again simply because, "I am better than you."