A Day In The Life

As all of you should know by now, I don't work. I lay in bed all day and do nothing with my life. So on that note, I was awoken yesterday morning at 8:40 am by my uncle. He told me that my other uncle needed for me for work for the day and since he was already at my house, I didn't have much of a choice. I got the full rundown of what we set out to do and prepared myself mentally. When I worked at Target, I nearly broke my back. When I worked at Toys R Us, I nearly broke my back. I am not made for very manual labor. I need to sit in an office and stare at a computer screen while I think of all the ways I can write a decent blog post. This was no ordinary day, May 11, 2011.

9:30 am - I get in the car and the first order of business is to rent a pick-up truck. So we go a couple miles out and get the car. After some talking and settling what kinds of insurance to get and other bullshit, we are set to leave. The McDonald's across the street is calling our names. Heck, what's better than McDonald's breakfast, besides nothing? By the way, if you follow me on Twitter you saw that I mentioned how all Mickey D's are renovating and this one was already renovated. Big red chairs and bar stools and fake wood. It looked glorious as I perked up watching Hoda and Kathie Lee. All the makings of a great day.

10:30-12:30 pm - We needed to go to Lowe's to pick up some lumber. A lot of lumber. My uncle was in charge of buying all the parts to a new deck. We literally walked around the lumber yard at Lowe's for two hours picking up all the pieces, and debating how many we needed of what. We also spent another 25 minutes looking at 3/8 and 1/2 inch galvanized bolts, nuts, and washers. Again, I don't know what any of that shit means. I just sat there and watched. After another 15 minutes of waiting, my uncle was denied a Lowe's business account, but not the free Jimmy Johnson t-shirt. Time to load up the truck and get to the house.

1-4 pm - We get to the house and we need to unload the truck of all its new lumber. We line it up all nice and pretty and now it's time to throw the old lumber into the truck. The problem with it is that there are nails everywhere. You can't just pick it up and throw it all willy-nilly. So we start hammering the nails in. It was taking way too long so we start chucking it into the truck. I get to one piece and it's lodged in between another two. I struggle to pick it up with my 11'' arms and then guess what? I kicked one of the boards that had a rusty nail hanging out. Now I'm bleeding. And dying. I've convinced myself that I just picked up tetanus. I let it bleed out and continue working. We finally finish and now it's time to dump this shit.

4-7:45 pm - 3 hours and 45 minutes to dump old wood? Are you kidding me? No, wait. It gets better. We get to the transfer station where we can allegedly drop off this wood. Once we get there we find out that the place closes at 3. Great. We look around and find a dumpster. We call and the guy says before we dump it in, to drive over to see him so he can take a look. He tells us the wood is too long and needs to be cut into 3' lengths. Considering we had one circular saw, zero outlets, and no time for that, we drive away hoping that some great news will strike us. We decide to go back to McDonald's for lunch. I like McDonald's, don't get me wrong. But twice in one day is too extreme. We sit, bullshit, think of some ideas, and decide to hit the road. My uncle asks if I have the car keys and obviously I don't. He asks me to check to see if they're in the ignition, but they're not. Lo and behold, there they are sitting on the back seat of the car. We walk into Panera and ask if they have any metal wiring/hangers we could use. The answer is no. We walk to Michael's and ask if they have any metal wiring/hangers. The answer is no. We walk to Bed Bath & Beyond and finally get a positive response. The wiring is all ours. We stand for an hour and a half trying to get the door open. No luck whatsoever. Finally we think to use the wiring to hook the keys and pull them through the window, which was open by 1/8''. The keys fit through, the world doesn't hate me.

7:45-8:15 pm - We still don't have anywhere to dump this old wood and the car is due back by 9:50 am the next morning. Our only option appears to be to drive back to this God-forsaken house and dump it at the transfer station that closes at 3. I tell him we will dump it illegally if we have to. I don't want to wake up at 6:00 am to go dump this shit out. No way. No how. We make it back to our neck of the woods and start driving around looking for dumpsters. We find one and give the number a call. The guy tells us he won't take it, but he's got a friend that dumps shit just for the hell of it. He turns into my new best friend. We call this "friend" he tells us he'll be over in 10 minutes, he wants to take a look at it. After further review he deems our wood dumpable. I feel like God doesn't hate me anymore. However, I still have to wake up at 7 am to dump this old wood, but a decent consolation nonetheless.

8:15-8:45 pm - I can't stop thinking about my tetanus and impending lockjaw. To some, that might be a blessing in disguise. My inability to speak. To people who are smart and educated, this would be an American travesty. I look up my medical information to see that my last Tetanus booster occurred in 2003. A little more than 7 and half years ago. They are good for up to 10 years. I win.

Considering you just spent 8 minutes reading about my day yesterday for no apparent reason, here is your reward. "I am better than you."

Burger King's Food Is About As Good As The Baltimore Orioles

Out of all the fast-food restaurants where you can improve your physique and eat like a champion, Burger King rates last on every level. For one, what kind of quality product are you getting when they advertise every 30 seconds for a buy one get one free Original Chicken Sandwich? Excuse me Burger King, but are you claiming to have the original chicken sandwich? Your fine dining establishment is the first in the history of the world to offer a chicken sandwich? Isn't the name of your bullshit restaurant Burger King? But you have the original chicken sandwich? Mind-boggling.

Do you know what kind of people typically eat at Burger King? Uneducated ones who are probably liberal and hope to get Mad Cow Disease. For the longest time I didn't eat beef because of that MCD scare at Burger King in the late 90s. Ruined it for me. But since I've grown up now, I dominate beef just like I dominate life. But I don't dominate the beef at Burger King because nothing there is worthwhile. The fries, the value menu, the toys in their kids meal. None of it compels me to go there.

At least if you want good tasting French fries you know to go to McDonald's. Or chicken Mcnuggets or a Mcchicken or a Mcdouble. The options are truly endless at such a premiere fast-food joint. Wendy's has the almighty #6. If you don't know what that is then you are truly not a fast-food aficionado and need to step your game up before you continue reading my blog. But now even Wendy's has a solid dollar menu. We used to eat like kings at college. And not Burger Kings either. I have no reason to ever go there because they don't have anything that stands out.

And what the fuck kind of commercials were they showing on television not that long ago? A scary ass king looking guy that was clearly based on the most disgusting pedophile ever. That was not the best marketing option that Burger King ever laid out. Those commercials genuinely scared me because I thought some sicko in a Burger King getup was going to attack me and my perfect body while going to throw the garbage in the dump. These are the kinds of things you have to be aware of when people are envious of your insanely superb figure.

So aside from the fact that they have nothing great to get there, they have pedophiles running around on their commercials. And now their latest downfall? Like the Orioles in drafting shitty college kids and high school players, and the occasional signing of a washed-up veteran, Burger King has just added a stuffed jalapeno and cheddar burger to their menu. Bad decisions ruin franchises. Stop trying to copy KFC by creating a sandwich that is so saturated in fat and can kill you in one bite. The advantage to KFC is that the DoubleDown tasted good. This cheddar-jalapeno concoction of shit will not. Give up Burger King no one likes you.

Like a wise man once told me, "Jealousy takes mannnnnnnnyyyyy forms". Unfortunately for Burger King no one is jealous of their mediocre sandwiches and dumb ass commercials. The important lesson you take from this today is that despite what Burger King tells you, they do not have the Original Chicken Sandwich, because they were founded strictly for their propensity to sell burgers. If you are an idiot and you like eating shit, by all means go to Burger King because in due time you will end up with Mad Cow and I'll be the one to say I told you so. I on the other hand will never go there again simply because, "I am better than you."