Summer Films That You Should See Because I Recommended Them (Part 2)

Oh. Hello. You've ventured back to see what the top 5 movies of this summer are going to be. How exciting.

5. The Green Lantern

I had a boner just thinking about including my man crush on this summer movie list. I don't think anybody could say no to Ryan Reynolds. No man. No woman. He is the ultimate catch. The fact that Scarlett Johansson divorced him to be with Sean Penn, blows my mind. Probably the best looking guy of all time, dumped for the 52-year-old man with kids near his new girlfriend's age. Disgusting. I don't know what it is about girls and their obsessions with older men. Repugnant, vile creatures you are. But this is the 3rd major superhero movie that comes out this summer. I'm not sure exactly when it comes out, but I've got a gut feeling that it will be the best of the bunch. Thor is lame and #6 Captain America is a traitor. I love you Ryan.

4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

So I've read no more than 30 books in my entire life. Some people think that's classless, but those people are assholes. Why would I read when I can watch something instead, like a television adaptation or movie? But I did manage to read all 7 Harry Potter books because I was a virgin until I turned 19. Just kidding. I still am. However, these books were quick reads and very compelling with its wizardy and shenanigans. Too bad they were from England because America's schools would have been much cooler. And J.K. Rowling should have added sex to the books because at age 18 we all know that's what kids are doing anyway, at least the cool/normal ones. Make the book a little bit realistic. I also don't understand why Hollywood deemed it necessary to cut the final book into 2 separate films. I suppose to make more money, but it doesn't make much other sense. Still, I might feel compelled to see this one just to see Harry die. Oops, spoiler.

3. Super 8

You have to excuse me for this one. I know it goes against everything I stand for: being a conservative, an American, cool, and proud. But once upon a time I fell in love with this television program called Lost. It was the most character-driven show I had ever seen and immediately made a connection with all of them. That was in 2005. That show ended in 2010 after 6 seasons. If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day I decided to start watching the show and not do it. J.J. Abrams single-handedly took away 6 years from my life, all while I was yearning to understand the finality of the show. I will never forgive him. He also fucked up by making that shitty attempt of an American Godzilla, called Cloverfield. What a waste of $10.50 that was. But this time he teamed up with Steven Spielberg (E.T., every other fucking good movie from 1983-2008) to make another sci-fi/drama. I want to give this one a chance because of Spielberg's name, but believe me, I won't be surprised if this is one of the worst movies of our generation. Kids making movies and then seeing monsters doesn't exactly spell great, but what am I busy?

2. Cowboys & Aliens

This one's got a nifty concept. An old-school Western with a new age science fiction. Daniel Craig (James Bond), Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones, Han Solo), and Olivia Wilde (The O.C.) star and Jon Favreau directs, thus making this somewhat magical. It's a story about a new guy coming into town to bang his old girl while the new boyfriend watches, or something like that. And then aliens come and they fight together to kill them. Probably the most predictable outcome imaginable, but Favreau typically does good things. (See Iron Man, Pete in Friends). I'm just glad that it's not another fucking remake or sequel because that's all Hollywood seems to come up with nowadays. I read earlier today that Fox is rebooting The Flintstones. Is nothing sacred anymore? What are people going to do next? Remake Billy Madison with Justin Long? I'd kill myself. Let the classics go, man.

If you didn't figure out Number 1 by now, you're an idiot.

1. The Hangover Part II

I am now officially being hypocritical of my last comment. When I saw The Hangover, I marked it as an instant classic. It was one of the funniest movies I had ever seen. Right behind Billy Madison, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Wedding Crashers. Those are the three best comedies to ever have been made, and there's no arguing it. So why did they find it necessary to make a sequel to this movie? From all the trailers I've seen, it looks almost exactly like the first one. And I mean exact. In this case it might not be the worst thing because the first one was very very funny. But I don't want to see the same exact movie again, this time in Thailand. I feel like I'm going to be disappointed. But regardless, I have a penis and I have to see it. It's like a rule or something. And for that reason, this is this summer's top movie to go see.

My top 5 selections were a little too liberal for my liking, but I'm just going with what Hollywood gave me. If I had it my way, I'd be picking more movies like Good Will Hunting and The Color Purple (jk, jk), but I'm just a nobody. And you're just an asshole reading my blog. Now let me clear my throat as I announce, "I am better than you."

Summer Films That You Should See Because I Recommended Them (Part 1)

Since nobody gave a shit about what songs I decided were the best songs for the summer '11, I thought I'd give it another go on the summer movies. Now, I'm already late on two must-see films that made their way into theatres this summer, Tyler Perry's: Madea's Big Happy Family and Something Borrowed. But the summer season hasn't truly hit full stride. That's why I made it a point to tell you about the 10 movies you should go see this summer season because they are going to be the best $35 you can spend.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides

This shitty movie stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. Depp is another one of the most overrated people in all of Hollywood. He over-acts. He's a smug piece of shit. And he only does movies that involve Tim Burton in some aspect. I'm actually pretty sure they're butt pirates together. (See what I did there) Depp gave guys who were unsure about their sexual orientation the idea that wearing mascara or eyeliner or some other make-up is okay. It's not okay. In fact, it's the opposite of okay. It's not okay. I must say though, I do respect the work Depp did in Edward Scissorhands. It is a decent movie. But let's cut it out with all these pirate movies, Johnny.

9. X-Men: First Class

Perhaps this movie will be like its predecessor and be a first class piece of shit. Or maybe I'm wrong and it will be a decent film. Either way, I think they need to relax on the X-Men movies. Again, another franchise with its fourth installment coming out this summer. Too much of the same and you're left with a sour taste in your mouth. Plus, I didn't see Rebecca Romijn in the trailer and that immediately curbs my interest. As long as there are other attractive women in this movie, I might be compelled to go. Otherwise, I'll watch old episodes of the fucking awesome cartoon on my laptop. That cartoon was the best.

8. The Smurfs

I have a pretend interest in this movie because I practically lived with a smurf for 4 years. His name was Brian. He went around skateboarding and surfing like a typical liberal. Then came the photographs and the artwork and records of The John Butler Trio. If only he had painted his entire body blue, he would have made the ultimate smurf. I only kid. Brian is a great kid who provided me the opportunity to write a blog because I knew he had one and I knew mine would be much more elite. Again I only kid. Sorta. But speaking of Smurfs, the animation looks neat and Katy Perry's voice is in it. If I could go with a girl and hold hands, I would.

7. Cars 2

I can never doubt Pixar. They never make bad movies. Some of my favorite movies, animated or not, are Pixar movies. Does that question my sexuality? No. Should it? Yeah, probably. But that's okay. Monsters, Inc. is the single greatest animated film of all-time. Toy Story isn't far behind. But my feelings are mixed on this one. The president of Pixar made a vow that they wouldn't make a sequel unless they felt they had a story that was as original or better than the first. The problem with this movie is that one of the voices, Paul Newman, died last year. And I know a voice doesn't make a movie, but Paul Newman was a legend. He even has a brand of popcorn and salad dressing. Nothing spells success like ranch dressing. Nothing.

6. Captain America: The First Avenger

What kind of American and patriot would I be if I didn't include this movie. This idiot Chris Evans is Captain America and looks like a 'roid monkey in the movie. The major major problem I have with the film is the location of it. Captain America. Guess where it was filmed? It was filmed in South Wales, England. Is there nowhere in America majestic enough to have the film shot? I mean, come on. I might actually boycott this movie because they didn't even film it here. That's just beyond ridiculous. The other reason is because it's probably going to be a shitty movie with way too much action and not enough character development. But with the caliber of movies coming out this summer beyond sub-par, this appears to be the sixth best of the bunch. Cool.

Join me tomorrow when I reveal the top 5 movies that you will need to see this summer. Or else. "I am better than you."